School mum making it clear we’re not invited to the party

[Thatbucketheadssong]

Just weird.

Mum at school, we’re friendly and chat, kids are friends etc.
She asked me at pick up if I was going to ‘X’s’ birthday party-other girl in the class, my Dd, 5, friends with her. It was the first I’d heard of it, felt slightly embarrassed, said ‘Oh I’m not sure, have to check my WhatsApp’s etc’ She then persisted with ‘Oh X’s mum sent me a message, some people invite the whole class on WhatsApp, others WhatsApp each person’ (yes, I know 😂) we’d obviously not been invited, bit 🤷🏻‍♀️But not too fussed really as our main larger friendship and mums/kids group is outside school and Dd wouldn’t know anyway at age 5 or be that bothered.
This mum clearly wanted to let me know…why? Was it being mean? I could see in her face she knew we weren’t invited, it wasn’t a casual oops mistake at all
Should I stay clear of this one?

Exactly this. I’m so confused how people are reading more into this

I couldn't begin to care. If she's made a social faux pas she's just a bit clueless, and if she communicates on the level of 'you're not coming to the party, so nurrr!' then I couldn't be arsed with her anyway. That's because I'm an adult. You expect this sort of thing from primary-aged schoolkids, not their parents.

I'd just give a breezy 'hello, how are you?' if you pass her in the mornings. Still talk to her. Steer well clear of any gossip, and tell her nothing about yourself you don't want others to know. That tends to be my general approach with most of my fellow parents at DC's school and theirs with me: it's not that I don't like them, but we all have other things to do.

Kids' friendships ebb and flow so quickly at this age that whether or not her kid's friendly with your kid is immaterial. By the time they're all in secondary school you probably won't even remember who she is.

Generally at DDs school we don’t talk about parties in the playground for that reason.

Like a pp, I think it was a foot in mouth moment too. And the stuff about the whats all messages was verbal diarrhoea when she realised her gaffe.

…could they birthday girl’s mum have maybe forgotten to invite your Dd? I did this recently and didn’t realise until the day of the party - am actually really upset about it because they are quite good friends.

Exactly!! Some of the bat shit responses on this thread would have me run for the hills! Do people out there really think this deeply about kids party invites?!

You're being daft. She asked you was your child going. It's conversation. Way too sensitive imho

Yes, common all right.

Don't rush into making mum friends when your kids start school. Suss them out and choose people you think are on the same wavelength. I chose carefully after a few months of reception and the 4 of is still hang out to this day, despite our kids now being in year 11 and not even in the same social circles anymore. Steer clear of this one, she's not worthy of you!

Suggestions so far include:

It might have been malicious.

It might not have been.

Possibly she was looking to lift share?

Maybe she just put her foot in it?

Well none of us know as a) we weren't there and b) we don't know this woman.

If she's otherwise a nice person I wouldn't rush to assume malicious intent.

@Jammydodger1981 Yes, this is exactly what I was thinking. For example, some people do the whole class invites on the class WhatsApp group (I did this with my Dd)
A few times mums have invited less people and made a group entitled X’s birthday or whatever and added the mums into that group, so it’s not a whole class thing. I’m wondering if this was done

Not sure if it was meant to be bitchy, but just something in the way she asked and kept going on about it, even when I was casual and said ‘Oh some people invite the whole class, some may want a smaller party’ and tried to brush it off. It was like she wanted me to be bothered, I can’t explain

I find it odd that you felt embarrassed that your daughter hadn't had an invitation. It's not something to be embarrassed about, not everyone goes to everything, why didn't you just say, "Oh I don't think my daughter's been invited to that one."

@Thindog Not really embarrassed, It’s more about wondering why this mum was so keen to let me know this

Which bit is more annoying . lack of invite or other mum lording it ?

The first is probably worthy of more thought. Could be a few friends through budget or there could be other concerns.
Lording it mums are usually a it thick or genuinely insecure about their kids and/or parenting skills. Be resigned and breezy. its not the end of the world or the start of your DC being a social pariah.

But surely that's because you said you hadn't read whatsapp messages?

If you'd said "actually I don't think daisy is invited to this party", then the other mum would have been slightly embarrassed and changed the subject

Oh god yes.

Wise advice I received pre my children starting school, was to keep my head down for the first 6+ months and listen carefully to what my child told me about the class dynamics.

By the end of the first year the bossy, PITA, CF parents and children have rared their heads and are easy enough to avoid.

As a result of this excellent advice we did 4 runs of primary years completely drama free🥳

She may not have been malicious but I would be a bit wary going forward.

How hard is it to achieve "drama free" though? I just chatted pleasantly to whoever wanted to chat, made a couple of friends who lasted as long as we did school pick ups and no drama whatsoever. Judging by this thread I'm clearly slow to take offense so maybe that helped but honestly, what drama is there in 20 min a day?

It's honestly insane! If I ask someone if they're going to a party...all I mean is are you going to the party! Who has time for all the mental gymnastics to create such a fuss about another parent chatting to you in the playground!

Wow - are you serious?

I must have been amazingly lucky to have had no drama whatsoever despite not following this 'wise advice'!

Agreed. yes it's possible that's she's a total bitch but it's much more likely that she's not. She may be shy/awkward and want to know someone else who is going too.

I"m categorically NOT a bitch but there is one mum in our class (one i really do like!) who I keep saying 'oh but your DC isn't in the same class as my DC this year are they?' when they are in the same class, and have been in the same class for 3 years now! I just can't remember who is in our class some days and get it wrong (4 classes in our year group) But if she were more sensitive she could start to take it personally now that i've said it probably three times. Sometimes people are just dumb/busy/tired (ie me apparently)

There was a mum at DDs primary who was always desperately trying to prove how popular her DD was. This is the kind of thing she would pull.

Some people make themselves feel good by knocking other people down.

Not uncommon.

Yep. Me too.

I just see it as her giving you a heads up to stop you from putting your foot in it somehow and that someone has at least let you know the situation