School mum making it clear we’re not invited to the party

[Thatbucketheadssong]

Just weird.

Mum at school, we’re friendly and chat, kids are friends etc.
She asked me at pick up if I was going to ‘X’s’ birthday party-other girl in the class, my Dd, 5, friends with her. It was the first I’d heard of it, felt slightly embarrassed, said ‘Oh I’m not sure, have to check my WhatsApp’s etc’ She then persisted with ‘Oh X’s mum sent me a message, some people invite the whole class on WhatsApp, others WhatsApp each person’ (yes, I know 😂) we’d obviously not been invited, bit 🤷🏻‍♀️But not too fussed really as our main larger friendship and mums/kids group is outside school and Dd wouldn’t know anyway at age 5 or be that bothered.
This mum clearly wanted to let me know…why? Was it being mean? I could see in her face she knew we weren’t invited, it wasn’t a casual oops mistake at all
Should I stay clear of this one?

Not sure when everyone this she was being a bitch. It sounds to me like she was genuinely asking if you were going and that it wasn’t on the class WhatsApp, you might have an personal message if you’re invited.

If she's previously got form for being a bit of a gossip or a pot stirrer then I'd probably keep her at a distance and be friendly, but not seek a friendship.

If she's otherwise pleasant and it's more likely she's thought "shit I've put my foot in it and totally thought the OP's child would be invited" and then continued to dig herself an awkward hole, I'd not look too much into it and continue maintaining a friendship.

I'm guessing she assumed your daughter was invited, then realised she should have said nothing when you said you would check on WhatsApp. If she is generally friendly I wouldn't give it more thought than that.

My immediate reaction would be that she wanted to share lifts and not that she was trying to highlight the fact your child is not invited. I've asked people before if they're going to a party so we can lift share. If they are then great, if they're not then maybe they think I'm mean but in all honesty it's just a logistics thing for me. Unless of course after she said it she did a massive head tilt and said sarcastically 'awwwww hun that's too bad your daughter isn't invited" then maybe she is being mean.

So would I. Why is everyone assuming that this woman is trying to make op feel bad? She couldn't know whether op's child is invited or not?!

Meh, I'd take it at face value. She wanted to know if you're going, you're not.

It makes me happy to think how much angst I must have escaped during those years just by not looking for ulterior motives in the conversation of school gates friends.

Could have been a genuine foot in mouth moment, or she could be one of those competitive school mum's who haven't grown out of their high school mean girl era.

There's a simple test.

Ask her if her high school years were the best years of her life.

Maybe to lift share. I remember a school dad asking I had say we got no invite. Lol. Awkward. I dont miss school politics ha

OP have you left out a massive back story about this woman's previous behaviour? If not then I can't see what she has done wrong - if she knew your DD and the birthday girl are friends then she probably assumed you were invited. Why didn't you say 'I don't think we've been invited to that one' instead of saying something about checking whatsapp - what she said is response doesn't seem that bad - you referenced whatsapp, she referenced it back probably realising she'd put her foot in it. From what you have written I can't see that anything sinister happened here.

I always find these kind of mums to be very sad and lonely behind closed doors so they have to put others down. Keep on shining

Sounds like she views you as competition.
Shes showing off, wonder if she was a school bully.
She has an inferiority complex
Id steer clear of people like this

If you're absolutely sure she knew your DD wasn't invited then this. Definitely one of the key calling cards of a covert nasty. Otherwise, could just be idle chit chat...but I would tread with caution with her for a while.

This is how I read it. She made an assumption, embarrassed herself and you, then tried to back pedal. I can imagine myself in exactly the same situation, putting my foot in it and then making it worse by talking too much.

Wow everyone jumping to conclusions about the woman being a school bully!

Much more likely it was an honest mistake and she tried to backtrack.

it sounds like you have a complex, reading this nonsense into a fairly innocuous exchange.

Gosh, her life must be very boring if she intended to be malicious… I’ve got through life largely avoiding school runs due to work hours so drop at breakfast/after school clubs and it’s fucking great.

No, I don’t think she was being mean.
It’s the last thing I would assume (unless there was back-story you aren’t telling us)
I certainly wouldn’t look to take offence from idle school-gate chit-chat with someone I am normally friendly with.
It’s a question asked, one mum to another, a million times a day. And you responded perfectly appropriately.
So I would just leave it at that and be your normal friendly self again tomorrow.

Just sounds to me like she assumed you’d be invited and was making conversation- and realised she put her foot in it. As others have said unless there’s a back story it doesn’t sound deliberately bitchy. I’m not sure where the leap to her being a cow/bully etc is really coming from. Also think at that age it’s more likely parents are inviting the kids of parents they know.

I would also think she assumed you were invited and then tried to cover up when she realised that wasn't that case.

People can be really odd.
Two Mums told me they had struggled with conceiving and wouldn’t have spoken to me a few years earlier ( I had 2 children)
Another woman told me that a few years ago, she wouldn’t have been able to speak to me as I had girls and she wanted one, but had boys..
You never have any idea why people are so rude to you, in your case, or what craziness or just plain nastiness is behind it

( My three examples were all nice by the time I met and talked to them luckily) But there are plenty of unpleasant ones, just for the fun of it , I assume

Sounds like a right piece of work.

None of us were there so we can't possibly know. There's nothing in her words that suggests she is a bad friend or being nasty (not that it's stopped all the ridiculous and dramatic "avoid her like the plague" comments). You'd need to weigh up the context of the conversation, what her character is like normally, her tone of voice, her body language. All sorts of things that none of us were there to witness.

If my friend said this, I'd think she had just assumed that we were invited and had then felt a bit awkward when she realised that wasn't the case and started waffling a bit about Whatsapp. Presumably if you're friendly with her, she's not a complete cow usually so it's weird to jump to that conclusion rather than assuming it's just a bit of social awkwardness. If she is a cow normally and she has form for being mean then she's not much of a friend.

Very common behaviour and definitely deliberate. Sane, educated women sometimes (often) turn into awful people when their DC start school. Pack behaviour maybe ? Run as fast as you can OP.

Definitely deliberate, eh?
I'd hate to live in some of your heads, tbh. Life must seem very, very bleak when a perfectly normal conversation has you running for the hills, sensing extreme danger.
Grow up.

This! People can be very neurotic about their own circumstances. Something to do with insecurities regarding their own position in life.