School mum making it clear we’re not invited to the party

[Thatbucketheadssong]

Just weird.

Mum at school, we’re friendly and chat, kids are friends etc.
She asked me at pick up if I was going to ‘X’s’ birthday party-other girl in the class, my Dd, 5, friends with her. It was the first I’d heard of it, felt slightly embarrassed, said ‘Oh I’m not sure, have to check my WhatsApp’s etc’ She then persisted with ‘Oh X’s mum sent me a message, some people invite the whole class on WhatsApp, others WhatsApp each person’ (yes, I know 😂) we’d obviously not been invited, bit 🤷🏻‍♀️But not too fussed really as our main larger friendship and mums/kids group is outside school and Dd wouldn’t know anyway at age 5 or be that bothered.
This mum clearly wanted to let me know…why? Was it being mean? I could see in her face she knew we weren’t invited, it wasn’t a casual oops mistake at all
Should I stay clear of this one?

I’d also read it as a bit of a faux pas moment. She assumed your kid was invited then quickly realised she was wrong and backpedaled

I’d just shrug my shoulders and move on. Who knows what she was on about? It doesn’t matter. Not worth a second thought.

I’m guessing she wanted to lift share. I think if you have been friendly you are reading too much into this.

I think an important part of OP’s original post people are missing is that she’s said the other mum clearly knew she wasn’t invited and that it was clear on her face that she knew and it wasn’t a mistake

Ok but if private WhatsApp messages are being sent how would she know? I’ve never been invited to a kids party and asked the host to list every single child that was going beforehand. The only way this could happen was if the host specifically mentioned “Im not inviting X”. So why would they do that? So that means two different people really dislike the OP. Unless there’s some huge back story it seems quite OTT behaviour. If it is that it’s really unpleasant of course, but there surely would be a reason for adults to behave so oddly?

You're reading far too much into this very small interaction
This could be the summary of most school mums/school gates threads.

School mum didn't say hi, AIBU to think she's a bitch.

School mum was talking to another school mum and not me, even though I don't really know either of them beyond a passing hello, AIBU to think they're probably gossiping about me.

School mums were talking about a playdate for their children and these parents have known each other years because they have older children who are friends, AIBU to think they're a nasty clique and shouldn't talk about things like that in such an exclusionary way.

School mum didn't acknowledge me, AIBU to conclude that she couldn't have other things on her mind or be preoccupied or stressed or any other normal conclusion and instead conclude she must hate me? Maybe it's because I wear jeans and trainers but she wears make up so thinks I'm too scruffy for her.

Repeat for all eternity.

I totally understand what you are saying, and I’ve been in that position myself before where someone has casually asked if my DD is invited to a party & she hasn’t been & I’ve just explained she hadn’t been invited & then that was that. But there hadn’t been any sort of smirk/sarcastic tone to it or anything like that, so I could tell they were just generally asking rather than trying to be malicious in any way. Whereas in OP’s post it sounds like there might of been because she’s said it was clear that she knew OP and her DD weren’t invited and that it was clear that it wasn’t a mistake x

Yes, exactly this. Some people are incredibly socially dense, and some don’t seem to realise their children are not aspects of themselves, and are still mentally playing out imaginary scenarios from their own childhoods by projecting them into their children’s social lives.

Either way, assume the best.

I once asked a mum in front of her daughter about an all girls meet up at primary school.The girl had not been invited and I felt awful.The invitee had left one girl out of a huge group and it was a genuine mistake on my behalf.I was really upset as was sheand it caused huge drama.I'm pretty sure she had in the back of her mind I did on on purpose but it didn't cross my mind 1 girl would be excluded by another adult.

I agree it’s just that OP said that the other mum made it clear she knew that OP and her DD hadn’t been invited and that it wasn’t a mistake, which makes me think there must be more to the story. It is a bit weird to state the obvious and say ‘oh some people message everyone in a group chat, others message individually’ - like everyone that uses WhatsApp knows how it works 😹 so it’s a bit odd she said that to OP. I’ve been in situations where both my DD hasn’t been invited to parties & where I’ve asked (so I had someone to arrive with/make general conversation waiting for the kids to come out of school) where either my DD hasn’t been invited or their DD/DS hasn’t been invited but it’s been clear on both sides that there’s been no malice behind it, where’s in OP’s post it sounds like there was because she said about it being made clear which makes me think there’s more to the story or that she was perhaps smirking or something like that & it made OP feel uncomfortable x

agree it’s just that OP said that the other mum made it clear she knew that OP and her DD hadn’t been invited and that it wasn’t a mistake, which makes me think there must be more to the story. It is a bit weird to state the obvious and say ‘oh some people message everyone in a group chat, others message individually’ - like everyone that uses WhatsApp knows how it works 😹

Yes it is an odd thing to say. We all know how WhatsApp works lol

If it was deliberate, there must be more to this story I would imagine, especially if she’s been friendly and fine up until now. Like, why the change?

To me it sounds like she was genuinely asking, thinking you were probably going. When you said you weren't sure, she wanted to make sure you didn't think it was an open invite and come along when not invited.

If she is otherwise nice, I would just assume this was a one-off thing she is likely kicking herself for and move on.

Just think she must be pretty insecure to feel she has to show you up that your child is not invited to a party. Pity the poor woman!

I always invite the whole class, one year people where upset that I left one child out... I did NOT they must have misplaced their invite.

Instead of the logically thing of just asking (there was zero reason for anyone to assume I had suddenly after years of hosting parties singled out one kid, that we even get along with) a gossip vine went all around making up weird shit about why we would exclude one kid.

As soon as I found out I cleared it up with the mam and they came to the party.

I have no idea why people jump to the 'deliberate exclusion' with these things. If your kids are genuinely friends and everyone else in the friend group was invited then you are likely invited and a misunderstand occurred somewhere.

Steer clear for sure! I had this done to me a couple of times by a parent who loved knowing my kid wasn’t invited to certain parties but hers was! It turns out, she’s not a very nice person. If you’re happy, you wouldn’t even ask in that manner; to get one up on someone. Weirdo!

She's a spiteful bitch, and she wanted you to feel uncomfortable. Some women are like that. Steer clear of her, she's very unpleasant.

The point is to make you feel bad and her feel good. I had school gate 'friends' like this. It's very annoying to them if you refuse to play the game by not giving a damn.

It's just conversation, maybe she wanted to lift share, maybe she was hoping YOU would be attending for her to sit with.

It's probably not malicious and you should take it as a faux par that she felt bad about.

Honestly most people are nice and I'd not write them off until there were a few instances of nasty behaviour.

if you want to survive school runs...be nice and be gracious, not everyone is socially confident and I'd read the school mums backtracking as panic, (that she upset you) she has the potential to be a good friend, don't write her off.

"Very common behaviour and definitely deliberate. Sane, educated women sometimes (often) turn into awful people when their DC start school. Pack behaviour maybe ? Run as fast as you can OP."

This really is utter bollocks.

I don't understand why you think she wanted to let you know you weren't invited? She just asked if you were going. The host doesn't usually send round a list of invitees to everyone! The mum actually made it clear she didn't know by saying the mum had sent her a message rather than a group invite.

She asked if your child was going to the party; instead of saying yes or no, you said you'd have to check WhatsApp; she, probably slightly flustered as she realised that your child hadn't been invited, explained that the invitation hadn't been via the whole class WhatsApp group, but individually. I'm struggling to see where the assumption of malice is coming from.

'Mean girl' behaviour from the other mum. 😏
Some never grow out of it after leaving school I'm afraid.🙄
If I was you I would just avoid this woman, I certainly wouldn't want her as a friend.

Agree. I actually did this myself years ago, I was just making conversation!

Moms like that don't need a point. Stay away from her.

Exactly my thoughts…you say yes I’m invited…next question are you driving there?

@walkingintothefuture the party mum could have set up a group chat for the purpose of inviting them all at once with a single message. I’ve seen it done loads of times and done it myself, it’s much easier than messaging all individually.

Bitchy mum checks the members and sees OP isn’t in it, knows her dd isn’t invited?