Husband refuses to keep sentimental items for our children

[Kitkat189]

I recently did a big clear out at home and finally got around to creating little memory boxes for my children, with things like their christening gowns, first haircut, hospital id badges, ultrasound pictures, one or two special outfits - you get the idea. One of my daughters joined in and added a few items which are special to her (leavers shirt from school, acceptance letter to secondary). I laundered, ironed, mended, ordered acid free tissue paper to wrap clothing in, tied with ribbons blah blah. The boxes were purchased from a company which specialises in keepsake boxes. About 45x30 cm so slightly larger than a big shoebox

husband was so annoyed with how much space these boxes took up and wanted them
gone. He doesn’t see any point to keeping any of this. All he had to say was ‘I would never have bought those [boxes]’.

I feel ridiculously hurt by this. We’ve kept an absolute minimum of baby things over the years, husband took everything straight to oxfam as soon as he could and we only kept a few special items. I just wanted some memories for my children for when they leave home. Something tangible to remember their childhood. Husbands parents never did this for him, maybe that’s why he is so unsentimental.

This morning was spent emptying the boxes and putting a few of the things in a small bin bag which can fit under one of the children’s beds. All the carefully wrapped clothes and christening gowns are just lying around now, soon to be disposed of I assume.

Help me get over this. I don’t know why I am so attached to these things and why I feel so upset, he feels differently about these things and I should be able to accept it but I can’t!!

I'm assuming he's worn you down with many similar instances over the years and this is why you sound so passive and defeated.

Crikey OP why are you behaving like such a doormat? Why are you not standing up for your children? I got to the second from last paragraph and said “What the hell!” out loud!

Well. That. Or - she is being abused and is now in shock at the responses.

This.

Why is is his decision? Put everything back in the boxes, tell him it is what you and your children want and he needs to respect this and that it means something to you.

Is he controlling in other ways too?

I'm not a sentimental person, to me stuff is just stuff. And they aren't memories for the children, really you do it for you.

But you both live in the house so one person shouldn't have a unilateral right to dictate to the other what possessions you should have.

I'm sure there's somewhere the boxes could have been stored out of the way, like a loft or garage.

I am a minimalist.
I have 2/3 ornaments in my home, barely any furniture and I hate clutter.

But I have 2 big plastic boxes and a smaller one of my child’s things.

Anything sentimental I keep and he has absolutely no right in saying these things need to be chucked out.

Most things should be compromised on.
But not this.

Do you have a loft?
Get a couple of plastic boxes from argos and put them up in the loft out of the way.

Come on, OP, show some gumption here. It's your home as well, not his. Put everything back in the boxes and store them somewhere safe.

Ask your husband how he thinks his children and you will remember him when he's gone.

Nobody would be telling me what i can and can't keep!!!
He sounds like a controlling arsehole to be fair 🤷‍♀️

No! Don’t do this! The way you had everything in their keepsake boxes sounds lovely and so thoughtful. My parents never did this for me but I wish they would have, it’s no excuse for him to act like this. I’ll be doing something very similar for my kids.

Dont let him ruin this for you, put it all back as it was and tell him to do one. This is important to you and he’s totally disrespecting your feelings and the efforts you’ve made. What a dick.

OP, don't let him do this! Keep what you want to keep.

Why can't the boxes just go in the kids rooms?

Top/bottom of wardrobe for example?

Not everyone's obliged to feel the same about the inherent value of physical items from the past. My DP (a man) is the sentimental one in our house and keeps every card or little trinket etc. I think he has every card or note I've ever given him. I don't really keep anything unless I consider it something particularly special or if I really especially attached. We're both sentimental people and very loving towards one another but that doesn't mean we share the same views on how that translates.

With that being said I would never, in a million years make a critique of or belittle his choice to keep what's meaningful to him and I would not in a million years go near it or go through it even, let alone remove or dispose of it or make him feel he has to do so. We live in a shared home and he can keep whatever he likes, as can I.

Just keep them if you want to keep them OP, box them up and find somewhere to store them, remind him that these are your possessions and a shared home and that he needs to back off.

Why is he the boss of you? Tell him it is none of his business. Because it isn't. I have done this for my children - maybe they will throw them out some day when I am gone but maybe they will love looking back at the memories. Dh probably wouldn't have bothered doing it but he certainly didn't tell me not to.

I hope this is just one aberration and you will come to your senses and say "you know what, the memory boxes are staying - all the stuff is going back and they can live on the top of the wardrobes/under the bed/where ever" if he is like this with everything, god help you.

Oh this is just horrible. Horrible!

You spent time doing something meaningful to you, which then became a joint activity between you and your daughter, and your husband gets to take one look and tell you "no, get rid", and you oblige?!

Please, OP, reassemble those beautiful memory boxes and store those things with as much joy and pleasure as you can. Especially for your daughter, who got involved too.

The only thing I can think that would make this a modicum more understandable (still not acceptable) is, as a PP wondered, if your house is cluttered to the extreme and it's a bit of a hoarding situation. EVEN SO, it would STILL be unacceptable for him to dictate what you can and can't treasure and keep carefully.

Please could you share the company you bought the boxes from? I've been wanting to make some memory boxes like this myself. I sincerely hope you reassemble them, OP.

Put the bloody boxes back together and stick them under a bed. What a palaver. Don't waste your brain space on this, he doesn't have to approve of it for it to be a thing.

Why on earth did you give in to that and empty them?

I would ask a family member to store them and then ask them to help devise a plan to leave. I presume this is the tip of an iceberg.

It’s not normal behaviour.

I voted YABU because you are being unreasonable for going along with what he says. Put your things abck in the boxes!!!!

I'm astounded you've given in to him. You sound completely cowed by him. Put the stuff back in the boxes. If they're at risk of being disposed of, ask a relative to keep them. You'll now have a spare bin bag. Now what waste-of-space item could you put in there...?

It's easy to say you should keep these boxes but without knowing more it is hard to say if he is justified or not.

Do you have a clean clutter free house otherwise?
Do you make a habit of keeping unnecessary stuff or is it just this?
Does he have a lot of unnecessary stuff?
Can you be a bit of a hoarder and this is the final straw?

Have you got other stuff you can negotiate with. If I keep these I will get rid of XYZ?

This.

Sorry but why on earth are you doing what he says? he's clearly being unreasonable. Unless your house is so full you can't function.

I am the least sentimental person I know. I have nothing from my childhood, no love letters, no photos from travelling, nothing. But even I have a little box with my DC's special baby clothes, cut hair, hospital bracelets. Your children are children for such a short period of time, and that time is so special - when they're all grown up and have left home it's entirely normal to want something to touch and think "my prescious little baby worse this".

You don't get over it. You keep your boxes for your children and your memories in YOUR home. You can accept he feels differe to you. He can also accept you feel differently and therefore the boxes are important and stay.