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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I demanding ? It's a sex one

105 replies

tawnyowl22 · 15/11/2023 22:57

Ugh another mismatched libido thread, I apologise.

A very long, cliche story but dh is 49 and I am 36. He has some ED issues and general issues around sex, communication, being open and comfortable with each other etc. it's hard work, I get that he is embarrassed and doesn't want to talk about things but it's incredibly frustrating.

We have compromised at sex 1-2 times a month which always needs to be pre booked so he can take a blue pill. It's not ideal but I am sympathetic and ok with it.

What I'm not ok with is his overall attitude that I just need to suck it up and that this is normal/ok for a marriage in my thirties. If I try and talk about it or suggest ways that we could improve things he just shuts down. Clearly uncomfortable and doesn't want to talk about it.

He's a great dh and dad. I don't want to leave. But sometimes i just think i am missing out so much and i feel sad that we dont have an easy and straightforward sex life. can i improve this?

OP posts:
Original poster
tawnyowl22 · 15/11/2023 23:08

Bump

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/11/2023 23:10

He’s not a great husband. He doesn’t care how you feel, he’s lying about what’s “normal” in a marriage, he’s shuts down communication. You don’t have to leave but don’t stay thinking he or it will change because he’s happy with how things are.

I couldn’t live like that. Has he always had such issues with sex?

anonimoxyz · 15/11/2023 23:17

Honestly, in my relationship sex is the compromise and everything else is perfect. I'm ok with that compromise but it doesn't sound like you are so that means it's not ok for youn

Mummymummy89 · 15/11/2023 23:21

It's not normal or OK, especially if you're not ok with it.

How long has he been like this? Is it a recent development or has it been the whole relationship?

If it's been long term, why were you satisfied with it before, but no longer (not being goady, it's a genuine question, ie was he making up for it in other ways previously)?

If it's just recent, do you think something has brought it on that can be fixed eg stressful job etc?

Indoorcatmum · 15/11/2023 23:21

There's absolutely nothing wrong with ethical non monogamy when both parties stick to and agree to boundaries.

I know a few couples with mismatched libidos or sexual incompatibilities who have open relationships (to varying degrees) and their relationships are better than ever.
All the resentment and pressure is eliminated and the partner who isn't into sex can relax.

I think (for me) this would be thole only solution if not leaving, in your situation.

RagzRebooted · 15/11/2023 23:25

Has he seen a GP for the ED? Is he a healthy weight? Any MH issues?
No, you're not demanding and it's not okay for him to expect you to put up with this without feeling like you're missing out.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/11/2023 23:26

This is nowhere near normal for your 30's and I struggle to understand why you are with a man who refuses to even talk about sex and who dismisses you so harshly.

Sadly, I think you ignored lots of red flags from the very beginning. I certainly wouldn't agree to live my life this way.

Original poster
tawnyowl22 · 15/11/2023 23:28

When we first got together things were normal

  • lots of sex, no indication of issues. Gradually it became more sporadic and with the benefit of hindsight I can see that he was trying to be 'normal' and cover up his issues in the early days. This really pisses me off as I feel I should have known from the start what I was getting into - ie a guy who has problems with sex!!

Honestly non monogamy isn't for me (at the moment!) I'm still holding out futile hope that things may improve. But sometimes I find myself looking at colleagues in a meeting or coaches at ds football and thinking things a married woman shouldn't be thinking. Obviously wouldn't act on it but that's how frustrated I'm getting.

The sad thing is I know deep down we're probably just not compatible in this way either due to age or libido or personality...whatever. But I do love him and he is a very good dh and dad in every other way. I just really struggle to think that pre booked sex once or twice a month is my life now.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 15/11/2023 23:51

You're 30 and he isn't going to suddenly want sex more frequently. You have all your life ahead of you. Are you happy and content or not really? You have to decide if you can be happy living like this all your life or not. The chances are sex will become less frequent as he gets older. If it's only once or twice a month now it will go completely within 5 years, what then?

Canisaysomething · 16/11/2023 00:10

When there’s an age gap there are going to be things he gets to before you. It’s unfortunate that it’s a drop in libido, you may well experience it too around that age.

Haggisfish3 · 16/11/2023 00:13

I was your dh and my dh was you. We have separated. I have a new partner happy with 1-2 times a month. He has a new partner that shags him at the drop
of a hat. We are both so much happier. And coparenting brilliantly. I knew he was miserable and I hated it. We both tried really hard, but it wasn’t enough.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 16/11/2023 00:22

Sorry not time to rtft, but have you had a discussion of whether he can have more non-PIV sex with you?

WiIIowT · 16/11/2023 00:33

I think its probably much more normal for his age than your age.

hoobanoobie · 16/11/2023 00:37

At this point I just don’t think you're compatible. Neither of you are functioning happily in the relationship you have.
You're only mid 30s. Are you prepared to give up and accept this as your life?
Might do you both a favour to break it off and take the leap of finding someone else who's a better fit with more in common.
Why carry on flogging a dead horse? Who's that going to help?

Bobbotgegrinch · 16/11/2023 00:42

The problem is that he's not in his 30s, he's pushing 50.

You must have realised that this was likely to become an issue when you got together?

Original poster
tawnyowl22 · 16/11/2023 07:08

Bobbotgegrinch · 16/11/2023 00:42

The problem is that he's not in his 30s, he's pushing 50.

You must have realised that this was likely to become an issue when you got together?

I suppose I was naive. Firmly believed age was just a number (and in every other way, it is). But according to him this isn't an age related thing anyway. He's always been this way. I don't know if I believe that but if it's true it's even more annoying that it wasn't brought up in conversation at the start. By the time I realised how things really were we were already in an established, pretty serious relationship and even then it felt shallow to break it off because of sex. Even more so now we are married and have dc.

I knew there would be LTB replies but that's really not what I want to do. It isn't bad enough for that yet. I struggle to suggest non PIV stuff because sex has become such an elephant in the room for us it's very difficult to communicate openly about it. It shouldn't be like that in a marriage.

OP posts:
Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 16/11/2023 07:13

You can't change it by yourself and he won't talk to you about it so I can't see how it will change at all.

Original poster
tawnyowl22 · 16/11/2023 07:19

I suppose what really gets to me is that in his head he must know I'm unhappy and that this isn't really normal. If it were me I would be very insecure about not giving my partner what they need. I would at least try to find some middle ground or I'd worry they'd leave or stray.

He either doesn't think I'd leave or have an affair (I wouldn't). Or I'm not capable of having an affair. Or he doesn't care if I have an affair. Any of those options aren't great and don't make me feel very valued.

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DevonMum2Be · 16/11/2023 07:24

Would he agree to go to counselling with you to talk about it there?

PosterBoy · 16/11/2023 07:30

This is your life now. You can accept it or change things, but what you can't change is him.

I'd also just go ethical non monogamy route but I am a fair bit older than you. My views changed a lot over the years. It's just sex. Find a regular partner to enjoy it with, or a series of irregulars. You think it has to be him because you love him but that's just conditioning.

GabriellaMontez · 16/11/2023 07:46

Bobbotgegrinch · 16/11/2023 00:42

The problem is that he's not in his 30s, he's pushing 50.

You must have realised that this was likely to become an issue when you got together?

This is not my experience of men in their 50s.

Thinking about what friends say, it's not representative of men who are considerably older than the dh.

He's 49! This is not an age issue.

It could be a health issue. Has he seen the GP.

margotrose · 16/11/2023 07:52

Bobbotgegrinch · 16/11/2023 00:42

The problem is that he's not in his 30s, he's pushing 50.

You must have realised that this was likely to become an issue when you got together?

49 is hardly ancient though.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 16/11/2023 07:57

Yeah. My DH is 51 and doesn't have this issue. We are also ENM so I have a fair bit of experience with other men of a similar age - obviously it's a self selecting group but there are plenty of 50+ men out there who are into sex and don't have an issue having it.

olderbutwiser · 16/11/2023 08:05

You won't leave. You won't have an affair. He is avoidant, won't talk to you about it or get counselling. How do you think anything is going to change?

Also, this is definitely one of those threads where if you were male and he was female there would be an avalanche of "he should respect you and accept you" replies.

Maybe get some solo counselling yourself to help you come to terms with it.

Original poster
tawnyowl22 · 16/11/2023 08:06

Yes he's seen a GP and has viagra prescribed. He has a few health issues but nothing that could really be linked to this. Not sure if it's a mental health issue because he won't discuss it other than saying he doesn't have a high sex drive.

OP posts: