Am I demanding ? It's a sex one

[tawnyowl22]

Ugh another mismatched libido thread, I apologise.

A very long, cliche story but dh is 49 and I am 36. He has some ED issues and general issues around sex, communication, being open and comfortable with each other etc. it's hard work, I get that he is embarrassed and doesn't want to talk about things but it's incredibly frustrating.

We have compromised at sex 1-2 times a month which always needs to be pre booked so he can take a blue pill. It's not ideal but I am sympathetic and ok with it.

What I'm not ok with is his overall attitude that I just need to suck it up and that this is normal/ok for a marriage in my thirties. If I try and talk about it or suggest ways that we could improve things he just shuts down. Clearly uncomfortable and doesn't want to talk about it.

He's a great dh and dad. I don't want to leave. But sometimes i just think i am missing out so much and i feel sad that we dont have an easy and straightforward sex life. can i improve this?

I feel for you, OP. What a difficulty. It’s tough to say that the only solution is that he steps up and starts to address this activity and head on. You can’t address this for him. The self motivation has to be there. If it were me I would have a proper sit down come-to-Jesus talk about this with him and let him know, in no uncertain terms, how unhappy it makes you. If he won’t step up after that then I think you’re out of options – lump it or leave it. I wish you all the best.

I’m sure you’ve already tried most things, but have you ever tried taking some of the pressure off and sort of putting yourself out there (although totally understand that comes with fear of rejection so if you don’t want to or feel you can then totally okay)?

What I mean is instead of “booking” in sex, try to bring a bit of excitement into your sex life again even if not actual sexual intercourse? The way I see it (and may be totally wrong), if sex is scheduled like that it almost feeds into the feelings of anxiety he may have around it because he knows a week before that on THAT day and time he has to perform, it gives the anxiety time to build and means by the time it rolls around it’s at an all time high and he just see’s it as a chore he has to tick off for you.

Are you intimate in other ways? What would happen if on a random Wednesday, you got into bed and not “came onto him” exactly but cuddled up, kiss etc in bed? Could things naturally progress from there or is it past that point for you?

Do his issues around sex extend to ALL sexual activities or just intercourse? Could you instigate other things? As an example I has some gynae issues a couple of years ago and during that time actual intercourse was really painful/caused bleeding, so during that time we didn’t have actual intercourse but still had an active sex life in other ways.

What about toys? Is that something you could even maybe do together? Take the pressure off, have a night together where you have a nice meal, a bottle of wine (or 2!), and then suggest having a look on lovehoney even if you do it together and just try and make things a bit exciting again? X

he won't discuss it other than saying he doesn't have a high sex drive.

It sounds like you're just not very compatible in that department.

Having a low sex drive doesn't mean there's something wrong with him - we're all different. You just need to decide whether it's a dealbreaker or not.

I feel for you op! I know it might not be everybody’s opinion but I hate men like this. Not for having issues with sex but for pretending they like sex at the start of the relationship only to either gradually withdraw it or stop when the relationship is established.

I knew there would be LTB replies but that's really not what I want to do. It isn't bad enough for that yet. I struggle to suggest non PIV stuff because sex has become such an elephant in the room for us it's very difficult to communicate openly about it. It shouldn't be like that in a marriage.

I think the deeper problem here is the inability to communicate.

Mismatched or fluctuating libidos are part of life. The advice on here, correctly, is that no one should have sex they don't want to have. But in a marriage you do need to have conversations you don't want to have, particularly the partner whose libido is changing. If they are reluctant, then the partner in the OP's position should absolutely be able to sit them down and force the conversation.

Huge variety of reasons and solutions of course but one of the simplest solutions is that sex doesn't have to always be penetrative PIV sex. There's a lot he can do for you that he doesn't need medication for. But the conversation is more important than the solution.

One of several startling posts in here which, if gender-flipped, would be seen as extremely toxic.

He needs to have a greater appreciation of your need for intimacy and touch. Sadly some men see sex as penetration alone. At least he has seen his GP which is a positive step forward.

Would some oral only sessions work for you? That way there would be less pressure on him and (hopefully) benefits for you.

one of the simplest solutions is that sex doesn't have to always be penetrative PIV sex. There's a lot he can do for you that he doesn't need medication for. But the conversation is more important than the solution.
Absolutely this,^
But there's another ED treatment , the name escapes me .. Begins with a C . It's effect is longer lasting ( 36 hours I think) then Viagra so there's less need to pinpoint the planned moment.. Though obviously he needs to be aroused , so if he has a low libido that might still be a problem.

The sad thing is I know deep down we're probably just not compatible in this way either due to age or libido or personality...whatever. But I do love him and he is a very good dh and dad in every other way.

It is really difficult when you’re in love with someone that you know you’re not compatible with. Sorry OP no easy solution. As others have said communication is the most important part to anything that happens next.

Cialis is the longer lasting alternative to Viagra.

It is probably quite typical of married men in their 50s. Lust and sexual excitement for their partner often fades for men as they grow older (just read the threads). In his head he is probably terrified of performance issues, and would rather just go to sleep than risk the embarrassment. It won’t get better without discussion, and the answer is probably non-PIV approaches. But what do I know?

The problem is if he's not in the mood then the idea of doing other things isn't very appealing. It's hardly erotic to think someone is just doing foreplay on you out of a sense of duty is it? I want to be wanted. Oh and he doesn't like oral (giving) so that's another one crossed off the list.

And I agree, the scheduling in of sex seems very clinical and would make me feel more anxious but it seems to work best for him. He also needs to know when to take a pill so it's not exactly easy to be spontaneous.

Does it have to be penetrative sex? Can he do stuff for you, so that you can enjoy sporadic stuff and he doesn't have to schedule in taking viagra?

Sorry I cross posted with you. Does he want to do stuff and get frustrated with himself that he can't? If he does, surely stuff that he does for you would like because he wants to? Difficult if he doesn't seem bothered though.

I must admit, if he couldn't get an erection AND wouldn't do oral, then I'd be very frustrated. Is there a reason he won't other than just not liking it? It seems like you're expected to compromise sexually. If there's another reason he won't do it then maybe he could tell you so you can figure something out, e.g. wanting your lady garden trimmed.

No I totally know what you mean when you say “if he’s not in the mood it’s not appealing to think he’s doing it out of duty”, all I’m saying is something to consider is that there are different types of desire, one of them (the main one for a lot of people) being responsive or reactionary desire. It basically means that for those people they almost require some kind of activity to “activate” desire, it’s really common, so yeah if you spend your evening watching tv at separate sides of the sofa, then both get into bed at night on separate sides and scroll on your phones/read books separately/no physical contact, then when you turn the light off he’s not going to want to roll over and touch you or be intimate. But if you sit on the sofa cuddling watching tv for example, kisses on the sofa, then go up to bed and lie together, maybe a massage or some kind of physical contact, spooning in bed etc, you are both a lot more likely to be “in the mood”. It’s really quite common in relationships for at least one person to have responsive desire and the other have spontaneous desire (so they make the first move so to speak). Do you cuddle on the sofa? Do you kiss in the kitchen while cooking or in bed? Could you try these things?

It’s about setting the mood. If DH didn’t kiss or cuddle me all day, watched tv, went to bed and scrolled his phone, then turned the light off and tried to touch me I would be disinterested as well, you have to set it in motion throughout a day really if that make sense?

Neither of you are wrong, you’re just incompatible. He can’t manufacture sexual interest he isn’t feeling anymore than you can turn your sex drive off.

There are some very good sex toys on the market that might help you with great sex on your own, if that would take some of the pressure off.

@Mrsttcno1 yeah you're totally right and to be honest dh is very tactile. Hugs, kisses, likes to give massages. But it doesn't lead to anything. I actually feel uncomfortable about the thought of him doing things to me if he isn't in any kind of erotic mood himself. It wouldn't feel right at all.

So if you were to, say, straddle him (clothed), start kissing him etc how would he react? It doesn't need to lead to sex, it's just fun to make out sometimes (even as grown adults).

Do you find ways to sort yourself out? If you've got toys then would either of you be open to him watching you use them on yourself? No need for you to lose out just because he's not in the mood.

I would also talk to him about the scheduling of sex around his use of viagra. I feel that he could have his own internal schedule, but not necessarily put it in the calendar with you, so that you could feel like it was more spontaneous?

It's hard to advise without knowing the specifics of his intimacy issues, but fully appreciate that you aren't going to share those on a public forum!

Do you think that’s a conversation you could have together openly OP? I can absolutely understand you not wanting to leave your relationship and family over sex, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important to you, and I think when you love someone there is an element of give and take and compromise required all round surely?

If his issue is strictly ED and he finds actual sexual intercourse anxiety inducing due to performance issues then that’s one thing and I can totally understand and sympathise with that, like you say you can. The viagra resolves that issue. But having a sex life and intimacy (in my opinion) is so much more than just literally sex? There are many other ways you can be intimate, from hands, oral, toys… it doesn’t have to even involve him “performing” that way. Have you ever spoke about toys or used any together?

So if you were to, say, straddle him (clothed), start kissing him etc how would he react?

If a man thought about doing this to his wife with a low sex drive, he'd be told not to be a sex pest!

To be honest I would feel very self conscious and uncomfortable doing this at this stage anyway. We are a very close, tactile couple but for some reason sex has become this huge elephant in the room and it's hard to even try to be sexy or initiate anything. It feels almost unnatural which is very sad when it's my own husband.

well you don’t always have to have penetrative sex. You both just need to use your imagination, pre booking sex isn’t fun for anyone. He has hands and a mouth? You can get toys. There’s so many ways around it. He is clearly only prioritising his pleasure

It is not normal to have these problems at 50 - of course they increase with age and libido decreases, but most men would be more than up for it several times a week at this age and a couple decades after.

anyway, he’s not a great husband OP, because once or twice a month is a poor compromise.

I’d have some marriage counselling so you can both discover how you feel and move forward from there

Pre-booking sex is the only way you get it regularly when you have kids / careers / a lot on, IME.

It's not selfish to have a low sex drive.

It can also mean you have no real interest in kissing or any other kind of sexual activity - it's not just related to PIV sex.