Am I demanding ? It's a sex one

[tawnyowl22]

Ugh another mismatched libido thread, I apologise.

A very long, cliche story but dh is 49 and I am 36. He has some ED issues and general issues around sex, communication, being open and comfortable with each other etc. it's hard work, I get that he is embarrassed and doesn't want to talk about things but it's incredibly frustrating.

We have compromised at sex 1-2 times a month which always needs to be pre booked so he can take a blue pill. It's not ideal but I am sympathetic and ok with it.

What I'm not ok with is his overall attitude that I just need to suck it up and that this is normal/ok for a marriage in my thirties. If I try and talk about it or suggest ways that we could improve things he just shuts down. Clearly uncomfortable and doesn't want to talk about it.

He's a great dh and dad. I don't want to leave. But sometimes i just think i am missing out so much and i feel sad that we dont have an easy and straightforward sex life. can i improve this?

``He's a great dh''
But he isn't. You might as well say that someone is a great builder who won't. or can't, or doesn't know how to, put a roof on a house.

This translates as: "Yeah, I know the hypocrisy is off the scale so I'm desperately trying to come up with some sort of hogwash excuse."

@gannett is spot on.

‘Most men would be up for it several times a week’ in their 70’s?! I genuinely don’t think you are right.

Oh and he doesn't like oral (giving) so that's another one crossed off the list.

My goodness he doesn't sound very nice. How have you endured such a long relationship with him??

Other men are available...!

I wouldn't be with a man who didn’t offer oral. He would be off my list!

Would he consider psychosexual therapy together?

Also there are other medication alternatives to viagra. Something like daily cialis means no interruption or pre planning to need to take a pill. It also means he might get more spontaneous morning erections for example which might help his libido.

Does he masturbate? Any problems there? Any trauma history in his past - what was his childhood like? If ok by himself but not ok with a partner then some therapy - either by himself or with you - might help explore some of those issues.

Honestly, it's just sex. I say this as someone who has a high libido. If he's a great guy and he's trying ie he's going to the doctors etc its worth persistence. So what about scheduling, if you get sex, you get it.

Though I do think once a month isn't quite enough, could you 'schedule twice a month'?

I also suggest instead of talking about sex talk about hugs, kissing more etc.. talk about health. If he just has a low libido he must be embarrassed he can't do more and conversations will just pile on pressure. Work out if particular times work for him, are there things you can do like a nice meal first. And buy a vibrator.

We all make compromises. Equally though if you're generally unhappy in your relationship that's different.

A sex life where one partner is doing it out of duty is a depressing thought for the rest of your life.

It's only going to get worse, it won't get better.

Sorry to go on a tangent, but bit of a raised eyebrow here about the disparaging of men who don’t want to perform oral - I’ve never had a DP who didn’t really want to and I’m told it’s much more pleasant for a man to do it on a woman than vice versa, but I can empathise with not enjoying oral (it’s really painful for me). It sounds like the OP is enjoying the sex they do have, so unless it’s literally just PIV with her DP’s magic penis, there must be other activities they’re trying and finding fun. Men are allowed not to want to do oral but I agree I would frown on someone who didn’t even try to find another way to satisfy his partner.

I find some of these replies really sad. Having a breast cancer diagnosis at 34 and the subsequent 10 years of medical menopause I face, my libido has vanished and sex is now incredibly painful. We have sex maybe once or twice a month now, at my instigation because I feel terrible for ruining my husband's sex life. He is wonderful and would never pressure me into sex or make me feel bad for the rubbish hand we've been dealt. He has said it's not important in the grand scheme of things.

So everyond saying what a deal breaker a mismatched libido is, all I can say is I'm so grateful for a husband who understands and is supportive

@Katiekate19 I can’t see the flowers emoji so can we pretend I sent one? I’m sorry you’ve had that difficulty. I’ve been thinking about starting a similar thread but more general, on the general rush to consider things “dealbreakers” or telling people to leave for small (and not-so-small but surmountable) things. I’m glad you at least have a kind DP to go through this with you.

My DH and I haven't had sex for 3 years after the birth of our daughter. I feel, like you OP, that I love him, I love our life, I love our shared understanding of everything else.

I cannot being myself to leave because of one issue. DH just doesn't miss sex and doesn't seem to think it is an issue at all.

Not sure what to advise as obviously I'm not handling it that well either. But you are not alone!

Well not really because there is much more to a marriage than sex isn't there? He is loyal, loving, takes care of the dc (and me), he works hard, he gives me plenty of opportunities to go out and do my own thing, he encourages me to pursue my ambitions, he is generous, funny and in every other way yes he is a 'great dh'.

I've had relationships in the past where the sex was more regular but the men themselves were terrible, selfish, sometimes abusive twats. I think if you find someone who doesn't make you compromise at all in any way, you're pretty lucky.

The word "normal" has been used a lot on this thread, by the OP and numerous other posters. I think this is a really unhelpful way to frame our thinking around sexual desire and the frequency of sex in a relationship. There are plenty of married couples who only have sex 1-2 times a month, or less. There are also plenty who have more frequent sex. Neither is right or wrong, normal or abnormal.

If I was experiencing a lack of desire and already uncomfortable talking openly about sex, then being made to feel that I wasn't "normal" definitely wouldn't help, even if this was implied rather than stated explicitly. As a couple of pp have pointed out, it's difficult to imagine a 49 year old married woman posting on MN and being told she's "not normal" or that she's "selfish" for having low sexual desire and only agreeing to sex 1-2 times a month. If anything, posters would be saying "why are you having sex at all if you don't want it?" and telling her that her DH just needs to respect her boundaries.

The issue here isn't that OP's DH is not normal, it's that they both want different things. OP you say he's taking medication for his ED and when they do have sex its good, so both of those things suggest he's not entirely selfish or oblivious to your feelings. I agree with a pp who suggested that couples therapy might be a way forward.

If it really is just as simple as a very low libido, and it sounds like it could be, then would some sort of male HRT help? Do they prescribe testosterone readily?

I just don't see twice a month as low libido it still seems plenty tbh.

Having sex twice a month and even then only when scheduled so he can take viagra, is absolutely low libido. Unless he is taking care of himself on a more regular basis and just hasn’t told OP that

That's what you get for choosing someone with a massive age gap.

There is more to this than sex.

You have a big issue. He won't discuss it. Let alone seek help. You havent reached a compromise... he's just ignoring it.

I think @Mrsttcno1 has given by far the best advice on this thread. Having mismatched libidos isn’t easy or straightforward (sorry OP you’ll need to let go of that one) but is is workable through with empathy, kindness, love and a willingness to experiment and explore less… conventional options.

I’d recommend doing some reading around mismatched libidos

people describing your DH as selfish when he has low libido and ED problems are horrible. Like some others one this thread I’m the low libido one who finds PIV very painful. That doesn’t make me selfish.

This is going to take give and take from both of you. The scheduled sex doesn’t sounds a great solution. But also I think you need to get more comfortable with the other ways he likes to be intimate (cuddles, massage), and be open to exploring ways he can give you pleasure even when he isn’t feeling sexually aroused himself.

I am sorry, op. Your husband isn't that old, many men go on for years after his age.

If he has been to the GP and been prescribed viagra he has tried.

Perhaps he could be more affectionate and love you sexually without penetration. That can be really nice but takes a bit of practice.

Sorry to ask - the avoidance of sex, not liking giving oral, needs viagra to get an erection, hiding his lack of interest in sex from the beginning, him being invested in being a great father, your feelings of rejection, his unwillingness to talk about the issue, his being satisfied and unbothered about the lack of sex - he couldn't be secretly gay could he?

@LBFseBrom - It usually takes practice along with giving oral which he refuses to do.

But if he's always been this way, how did he manage the lots of sex at the beginning of your relationship?

Very sad to read that you still think he is a 'great DH' after you feel/know all of this.