Am I demanding ? It's a sex one

[tawnyowl22]

Ugh another mismatched libido thread, I apologise.

A very long, cliche story but dh is 49 and I am 36. He has some ED issues and general issues around sex, communication, being open and comfortable with each other etc. it's hard work, I get that he is embarrassed and doesn't want to talk about things but it's incredibly frustrating.

We have compromised at sex 1-2 times a month which always needs to be pre booked so he can take a blue pill. It's not ideal but I am sympathetic and ok with it.

What I'm not ok with is his overall attitude that I just need to suck it up and that this is normal/ok for a marriage in my thirties. If I try and talk about it or suggest ways that we could improve things he just shuts down. Clearly uncomfortable and doesn't want to talk about it.

He's a great dh and dad. I don't want to leave. But sometimes i just think i am missing out so much and i feel sad that we dont have an easy and straightforward sex life. can i improve this?

The thing is, the way your situation is now, SOMEONE has to take the leap and put themselves out there, one of you has to be the one to make a move to change how things are. In your situation, that person is not going to be him because he doesn’t have an issue with how things are now. So if you want things to change, you are going to have to be the one that takes the driving seat, initiate intimacy, suggest using toys together, be spontaneous- putting yourself out there can be scary and I completely understand that, but it’s also often the only way to change the status quo x

It's not normal, but it's not exactly unusual either, and it would certainly be something I'd be taking into consideration when entering into a relationship with someone much older.

I think you need some counselling, alone and together. You’re not communicating and without that, you’ll never get this sorted. You’ll grow further and further apart.

I think if he’s not willing to do that, you have to decide whether you can live the rest of your life like this. It doesn’t sound like you can.

I couldn’t stay with a man that couldn’t communicate, regardless of anything else.

@margotrose but we're not talking about reversed roles are we? And I explicitly said that it didn't need to lead to sex, it's just kissing.

Why does it matter whether it's a male or female doing the "straddling and kissing", though?

Either way it's unwanted attention.

@gannett Why..? I’m not saying that men shouldn’t have low sex drives… and the same for women too!

I’m saying that it’s disingenuous to pretend to be something you’re not in the beginning of the relationship. I want to be able to make an informed decision, sex is important to me. If it’s not to my potential partner than I’d rather know at the outset that this person isn’t for me before feelings set in.
It works the other way too! I’m sure there would be many women thrilled with a man who only wants sex twice a month. Everybody’s different and I just feel it’s unfair to effectively lie because you’re worried the person your dating won’t like the ‘real’ you.

@margotrose I was simply asking how he would react to it, I wasn't necessarily suggesting that she do it to an unwilling partner.

In essence I wondered if he was capable of getting aroused on his own, or whether he was fully reliant on the pill at this point.

And by your logic, are you saying that if your partner had a lower sex drive than you then you just stop initiating any form of intimacy? That's hardly going to help is it?

It's not illegal for your partner to want sex, regardless of gender. The importance is acknowledging the "no" you receive and respecting the boundaries of your partner in not taking it further. The partner may be quite happy with kissing, but not comfortable taking it further. That's still ok, and doesn't mean the kissing needs to be eliminated from the relationship.

Am I making sense? I'm genuinely not sure at this point 😂

Stephisaur
Do you find ways to sort yourself out? If you've got toys then would either of you be open to him watching you use them on yourself? No need for you to lose out just because he's not in the mood.

I’m not really sure why you need to ask OP this, the vast majority of people ‘find ways to sort’ themselves out.

The problems are his lack of communication and a mismatched libido due to his lack of it. Getting toys out in front of someone who’s not “in the mood” is hardly likely to be appealing to either person.

I think maybe the point of using toys together though is more that:

1. He may have responsive desire (many people’s sexual desire is responsive/reactive), meaning that while he would probably never climb into bed and initiate sex or intimacy, if OP were to set the scene, kisses/physical contact, and then used toys, it may actually create an environment where he DOES feel in the mood. It’s very rare that both partners in a relationship want to have sex at the same time every time, meaning someone is always “not really in the mood” at the very beginning, it does take someone to initiate usually!

2. If his issues were around ED and a pressure to perform himself, then use of
   toys is actually a really good way around this. It takes all pressure away from his own body and performance, and actually it could be a way to boost his confidence in the bedroom if nothing else because it is (usually) a lot easier for a woman especially to “finish” with certain toys than it is from your typical PIV sex. So it could also be a good way to build intimacy/a sex life without any pressure on his part to perform (if that is the issue)

@SurelySmartie well not necessarily. Some don't.

Anyway. @Mrsttcno1 has done a much better job of elaborating on my initial post.

I agree not an age issue !
I can’t believe that people think that by late 40s a sex life is over , and that in your 50s your past it.

it’s unfair to effectively lie because you’re worried the person your dating won’t like the ‘real’ you.

It's not necessarily lying, though.

Having more sex at the start of a relationship is very normal - it's all new and exciting, you don't have the responsibility of children and running a home, and you're still dating and enjoying each other.

Discuss changing to once a week. Dont be afraid if a little self care and some toys

I do totally agree that it’s super common to have more sex at the start of a relationship when everything is fresh, new and exciting. However there is a difference between “ah we’ve been together awhile now, just not feeling it tonight” type of thing, and what OP’s partner is doing here. OP has said he has told her himself that these issues have nothing to do with his age and that “he’s always been this way”- if that is the case and he’s ALWAYS had these issues then yes at that point he has lied at the beginning. Admitting to having had issues around sex for the entire relationship, but having never mentioned them at the beginning and presumably putting on an act during that time, is a very different scenario to the one you suggest whereby sex does typically become less frequent in long term relationships which I totally agree is really common.

I'd say it's a mismatched age thing that's causing the mismatched sex.

Eventually it will kill your marriage stone dead, its just a matter of how long you're willing to limp along.

It will end in divorce or an affair then divorce.

He lied to you about his libido from the start, so there is also that.

Males and females are different, we have different needs to men, so yes, it's OK to have different standards and give different advice based on the sex of the person.

Of course he doesn’t like giving oral either 🙄🙄
He sounds very selfish!

I think OP wants intimacy and touch with her husband, rather than just a sexual itch she needs someone else to scratch.

I really don't believe everyone has sex more than once a week. The replies here seem very very sex focused. It's just sex, I don't really see why it's so linked in to people self esteem and marriage. Marriage is also about raising your kiss,shared values, a partnership. It reads here that most pp would immediately leave if their partner became disabled or unwell, like teenagers not marriage.

No he is very loving and tactile. No issues with snuggling up, cuddles and so on. It's just sex. And annoyingly when we do eventually get around to doing it it's really good! Just not frequent enough.

There are plenty of men with libido decreasing rapidly in their 50s. The nature ain't stupid.
But in the race to the bottom (that a pun?), nothing beats the middle aged male with his libido intact but the ability impaired. Who the heck has hours of their precious life to molest their naked mole-rat to pleadings of "I want to come" and flaccid observations of "I can't come".

It's like the seven circles of hell that many coupled-up women are looking towards in their retirement evenings.

So must look on the bright side OP, could be worse!

*Not all men, not all women disclaimer - before that old thrope arrives to score some imaginary points.

Me and DP average about once a week, but I've had previous long term relationships where it was much more frequent, 3 or 4ntimes a week. DP has a lower libido than me though, so that's where we've ended up.

I think for a lot of people who have a partner with a much lower libido though, it's not purely the amount of sex that they struggle with. It's the fact that they have to initiate pretty much every single time. Everyone wants to feel wanted, desired by their partner, they want to feel that when they have sex it's because their partner wants to have sex with them, not just because they feel like they should do. It leads to the high libido partner feeling like a sex pest, and that their advances aren't appreciated, even when they are.

The replies here are sex focused because that’s what the OP was asking for advice on.

I also can’t see any responses that read as if anybody would “immediately leave if their partner became disabled or unwell”?

Marriage is about a lot of things, absolutely, but sex and sexual intimacy is (and in a healthy relationship should) be up there with them. Having an active sex life with your partner boosts intimacy, this is a hormonal thing, the oxytocin released during orgasm actually does make you feel closer to each other and strengthens your bond. A good sexual relationship also relieves stress. Sex is actually linked to your self esteem factually- this is because sexual intimacy can actually alter your hormone levels and boost self esteem.

Everybody views sex differently, and if you see it as “just sex” then that is absolutely fine, as long as your partner also see’s it that way, there’s no issue with that. Just like if you are someone with a high sex drive and have a partner with a high sex drive, there’s no issue with that. The problem’s arise when one partner has a view like yours of it being “just sex”, and the other has a higher sex drive, as the OP is struggling with in her relationship.

It’s not helpful advice to tell the OP she shouldn’t feel the way she does because “it’s just sex” and so she should be grateful for the twice a month scheduled that she gets it! We as people, especially as women, are allowed to want more than just the bare minimum! X

On a more serious note OP, mismatched libidos is a seriously hard issue to resolve - I veer towards impossible.

You could wait for your libido to catch up (or rather down) later in life but that's a long wait whilst having little to no sex on the way there.

If I were in a marriage with small children, I'm sure I'd stay for the foreseeable and adapt to rarely occuring sex. But then I'm capable of doing so.

I'm your age and I've chosen to avoid cohabiting (for sure) and committed (maybe) relationships and that's mostly due to all the compromise involved in keeping just the type of sex-life going that is satisfactory to both parties. Over a longer while it chokes the air out of most relationships. Can't be arsed with that losing game.

I think you have to try and get over your embarrassment and broach the subject while you are driving together or going for a walk at the end of the day, so you are parallel and not face to face if he is very sensitive about this. Show a lot of kindness.

Avoid putting him under more pressure by making “I” statements only. That you miss intimacy and sex, especially as it is so pleasurable when you are together, and that you are worried about the future, would he feel comfortable talking about it?

Show massive understanding and say you don’t want to put him under pressure etc.

I would certainly hope that he would be willing to go to the gp to get to root cause. If he is on anti-depressants or whether sleep, work stress, diet or lack of exercise are playing a part? Or if it’s psychological would he be willing to see a therapist specialising in this area? There’s so much that can be done rather than suffer in silence.