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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my husband his £20k inheritance from me for three years?

126 replies

Missbobbisocks · 15/11/2023 19:22

Hi all. Brand new but my head is in a spin and I saw this and thought why the hell not? Maybe some internet people can give me some perspective. This might be quite long, sorry but I need to explain where I’m coming from.

So basically been married for 12 years, together 19 years, three kids (11, 9 and 2). It’s not been a bed of roses - oldest child is disabled so I gave up career as a teacher to be the carer. Last house had subsidence but we managed to get it resolved on the insurance and sell. We’re both key workers so not exactly high earners, although I work 30 hours a week for a learning resource website while looking after the 2 year old. Husband can work upwards of 70+ hour weeks so is either home or not home. In a nutshell, we’re broke, tired and our relationship is strained. We never have much money left at the end of the month and struggle constantly. We have no sex life as I work 4-5 hours at night as I can’t afford nursery for the 2 year old.

We moved to our new house to be closer to our older son’s specialist school. Been here a year now- it’s lovely, but expensive and cost of living does us no favours. We could only afford a ‘doer-upper’ but we had a bit of dosh from the sale and have made it stretch.

Three years ago my husband’s very elderly grandfather died. I was expecting our third child at the time and even gave him the first name as his middle. Last night my husband casually let it drop that his mother had gifted him and his siblings her share of her father’s inheritance (he is the oldest of 5 siblings). His parents are extremely rich (millionaires at a conservative estimate though we don’t talk about it and they aren’t flash with their cash so it’s not immediately obvious). So he’s had a £20k inheritance sitting in a private account for two years and not mentioned it once to me.

it’s not the money - it’s not mine and I would never presume to ask for it. We don’t mix our money other than joint household costs although husband earns substantially more and covers more. But I feel so betrayed - I can’t believe he wouldn’t tell me his mum gave him the money. He’s only mentioned it because he wanted to buy something off gumtree and I said sorry, I don’t have any cash until the end of the month now (just paid for my car insurance). And he said, don’t worry I’ll use my inheritance… which brings me round to here, sort of.

I’m so upset I’ve been giving him the cold shoulder. When I asked why didn’t you tell me he shrugged and said it’s not a big deal. But things are already difficult between us - there’s a distance now, we don’t talk much and we seem to argue so much our sensitive daughter picks up on it. So this secret inheritance really feels like the end of the line for me. If he can easily hide that, what else does he not tell me?

So AIBU to be so hurt that he hid the inheritance?

OP posts:
FloweryName · 15/11/2023 19:27

YANBU to be hurt, but this is a symptom of an already strained and distant relationship, not something that has come out of nowhere. I’d consider this a trigger for you both to evaluate your relationship, not as a cause of the problem.

I can imagine plenty of women on here being advised to keep financial gifts from parents to themselves if they were in unstable relationships, and that’s all he has done.

Wishimaywishimight · 15/11/2023 19:28

I would be really hurt too OP. I can't imagine not sharing this sort of news (and money) with my DH. You are supposed to be a team.

It would feel very deceitful to me.

SgtJuneAckland · 15/11/2023 19:31

So you've given up your career and earning potential to care for your joint child who has disabilities and to care for the toddler and squeeze work around that and you don't share finances and while you're scrimping to make ends meet he has 20k in the bank he hasn't even earned? That's not a marriage

DaughterNo2 · 15/11/2023 19:32

Ignoring the inheritance, he’s working 70+ hour weeks for what? When ur both working but stating ur broke?

Supamum3 · 15/11/2023 19:32

I’d be upset too, and I think it would prompt a deeper question on if he is keeping as means to escape?

CoatesCat · 15/11/2023 19:33

He's also not been using this money to benefit his children in any way. Disgusting

WiIIowT · 15/11/2023 19:33

Separate finances and an already very strained marriage. Not making excuses for him but I wouldn't want £20k to absorb into daily money if I could help it. I'd rather act like I hadn't received it but try really hard to do what I could to fix the skint issue without it.

Even so, keeping something big from you like that is a sign of how distant you both are.

Danikm151 · 15/11/2023 19:35

you say “I can’t afford childcare” does he not contribute?
he’s watched you struggle and kept £20k. Even putting £5k in the joint account would be like a buffer for you all and a chance to treat the kids

Original poster
Missbobbisocks · 15/11/2023 19:39

Yes. I think that’s why I feel so down - it’s confirmed that something has gone very wrong between us and I don’t know why. He’s a good man - and a lovely father. He says £20k isn’t a lot of money and I definitely think we should save it, if he even asked for my opinion, it’s the fact he didn’t tell that hurts.

He’s a Met officer so sometimes his shifts run on for a long time. Since moving our mortgage and living costs are much higher but ours incomes aren’t reflective of that (I make under £16k a year but it’s flexible working hours and better than nothing) and he earns an ok basic plus overtime.

We just seen to run out of money by the end of each month despite budgets etc. It’s fucking depressing if I’m honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Missbobbisocks · 15/11/2023 19:42

It would wipe out all our money. I tried to sign the toddler to two days and he got very stressed, said we couldn’t afford the fees so I pulled out. I assumed we’d go halves but he said he didn’t have it to hand. This was last year so I’m waiting on the funded hours for next April.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 15/11/2023 19:44

When I asked why didn’t you tell me he shrugged and said it’s not a big deal.

He's gaslighting you, simply as.

lionsleepstonight · 15/11/2023 19:46

I'm no expert but don't police officers get paid OT? So regularly working 70 hour weeks would equate to a bumper pay packet.

Can you see his finances?

Hate to say it, but are you sure he's working?

TheCatterall · 15/11/2023 19:47

@Missbobbisocks id be asking to see some wage slips and his bank accounts so you can both ensure you have an accurate financial picture and budget…

if he can lie about an inheritance - lying by omission- what else has he lied about?

hattie43 · 15/11/2023 19:49

I'd feel deceived because you have been struggling financially and he could have made it better .

Hibiscrubbed · 15/11/2023 19:49

He lets you all go without while sitting on a secret stash. Hmm. Was it more than £20k initially? Has he been buying himself things? It’s odd that he describes it as ‘not a lot of money’ while seeing you muddle along on fuck all.

Original poster
Missbobbisocks · 15/11/2023 19:50

Well, sure. That’s crossed my mind but no, he’s working. He does get paid overtime but he keeps that additional money separate and puts it into savings. So we use whatever is left from his salary and then whatever is left of mine after bills etc. On paper it looks good! But after running two cars (we have to transport our son to his school as per the agreement), food costs (which seem to eat all our money!!) and then each month we do something to do the house there’s no much left really.

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 15/11/2023 19:50

He works 70 hours a week in a well paid job and yet you are 'broke'? How and why - where does the money go?

Do you have complete overview of your joint finances or is he keeping money for himself without telling you?

What else is he hiding?

And why the 'distance' - why is the relationship strained?

LemonLimeDivine · 15/11/2023 19:51

He’s deceitful. Simple as. I’d be hurt.

Notwhatyouwanttohear · 15/11/2023 19:53

Can't really see the issue.

You say it's his money and you wouldn't want it.

You say you wouldn't want to spend it on day to day and would save it.

Did you ask if he received anything from his dead relative at the time?

Did he actively hide it?

If he had gone and spent it on frivolous stuff or gambling or booze I'd understand but it's sitting in an account.

Maybe he is scared for the family and keeping it as a rainy day fund incase something happens.

Original poster
Missbobbisocks · 15/11/2023 19:55

Yes. You’re not wrong - I’m just a bit hurt that he didn’t tell me in the first place I guess.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 15/11/2023 19:56

He's your husband not a recent boyfriend. To not treat you & the DCs or even put say 1/2 of it into joint account as a family back up, is just cold and mean. You're not a team, unfortunately

PaminaMozart · 15/11/2023 19:57

He does get paid overtime but he keeps that additional money separate and puts it into savings.

Let me guess, these savings are in his name and you have no say in this?

Why is he not contributing to your pension or funding the childcare you need to get YOUR career back on track?

He doesn't have your back and he doesn't see your as a team. Is he looking for an exit?

TheDuchessOfMN · 15/11/2023 19:57

I would be so hurt too. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, there shouldn’t be any financial secrets.

I can actually understand him wanting to put it away and keep it, but he shouldn’t have hidden it from you.

TeenLifeMum · 15/11/2023 19:59

I would ask for full transparency on finances - monthly salary, all savings and any debts. Not because I’d want to spend it but because a relationship needs honesty and respect and he’s not demonstrated either. He’d need to build that up for me.

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 15/11/2023 20:01

This wouldn’t sit well with me at all, I would be very upset, you are a team, why would he hide that from you. Particularly when you are trying to do up a house. When he’s doing the overtime, I assume you are doing all the childcare and running his life for him, I really hope this is joint money? Do you know how much is saved? It sounds like all your money is spent and you are working to the bone juggling the children, and he has lots of his own after paying bills? I would want total transparency here this would be a major flag for me.