To be upset that my husband his £20k inheritance from me for three years?

[Missbobbisocks]

Hi all. Brand new but my head is in a spin and I saw this and thought why the hell not? Maybe some internet people can give me some perspective. This might be quite long, sorry but I need to explain where I’m coming from.

So basically been married for 12 years, together 19 years, three kids (11, 9 and 2). It’s not been a bed of roses - oldest child is disabled so I gave up career as a teacher to be the carer. Last house had subsidence but we managed to get it resolved on the insurance and sell. We’re both key workers so not exactly high earners, although I work 30 hours a week for a learning resource website while looking after the 2 year old. Husband can work upwards of 70+ hour weeks so is either home or not home. In a nutshell, we’re broke, tired and our relationship is strained. We never have much money left at the end of the month and struggle constantly. We have no sex life as I work 4-5 hours at night as I can’t afford nursery for the 2 year old.

We moved to our new house to be closer to our older son’s specialist school. Been here a year now- it’s lovely, but expensive and cost of living does us no favours. We could only afford a ‘doer-upper’ but we had a bit of dosh from the sale and have made it stretch.

Three years ago my husband’s very elderly grandfather died. I was expecting our third child at the time and even gave him the first name as his middle. Last night my husband casually let it drop that his mother had gifted him and his siblings her share of her father’s inheritance (he is the oldest of 5 siblings). His parents are extremely rich (millionaires at a conservative estimate though we don’t talk about it and they aren’t flash with their cash so it’s not immediately obvious). So he’s had a £20k inheritance sitting in a private account for two years and not mentioned it once to me.

it’s not the money - it’s not mine and I would never presume to ask for it. We don’t mix our money other than joint household costs although husband earns substantially more and covers more. But I feel so betrayed - I can’t believe he wouldn’t tell me his mum gave him the money. He’s only mentioned it because he wanted to buy something off gumtree and I said sorry, I don’t have any cash until the end of the month now (just paid for my car insurance). And he said, don’t worry I’ll use my inheritance… which brings me round to here, sort of.

I’m so upset I’ve been giving him the cold shoulder. When I asked why didn’t you tell me he shrugged and said it’s not a big deal. But things are already difficult between us - there’s a distance now, we don’t talk much and we seem to argue so much our sensitive daughter picks up on it. So this secret inheritance really feels like the end of the line for me. If he can easily hide that, what else does he not tell me?

So AIBU to be so hurt that he hid the inheritance?

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He's squirrelling money away in his name by working all hours while you're earning a pittance because you have to fit in hours around him....? There isn't a single part of your setup that sounds ok.

OP, when I think about how exhausted and depleted you must feel, my heart breaks for you.

70+ hours a week caring for a toddler alone, plus a child with a disability, worry about making ends meet, a house that needs constant maintenance and repair, and then you work 30 hours at night on top.

It's deeply unfair to you. He's a prick for letting you live like this when he could at least pay 50% of nursery costs so you can work during the day, get your career on track and rest at night.

No wonder you don't have a sex life. Even if you had the time or energy, I wouldn't waste it on him.

The problem is that you see yourselves as a team and he doesnt. It's that simple. If hed told you about it and simply said it was his, it would make some sort of sense given you keep seperate finances. But he didnt do that. He watched his family struggle, sat on the cash and and whistled "not my problem, guv" when times got hard.

Ultimately it feels like the final betrayal.

Thank you for the wise advice and kindness.

tonight I confronted my husband about the money. I said I was so shocked he’d concealed it from me that it made me doubt whether we had much of a relationship left. He got very upset and said that the reason he couldn’t talk about the money was because it made him too sad (his grandfather died peak Covid so didn’t haven’t much of a funeral, same for his aunt a few months later). I said I was sorry for that but that still didn’t hide the fact that he’d deliberately concealed a large sum of money. He got a bit angry and said it was none of my business and that it was his family’s money and nothing to do with me. Then he kind of calmed down and said he was saving the money in case of solicitor’s fees for our oldest son (his school place is funded by an EHCP but we had to go to court to get it. It cost a lot of money, which we had to borrow from family). This inheritance, he says, was to give us some independence. We’ve applied for our son to move from primary to secondary at the same school and there is a chance we may need to fight for it, which is why I would like to save the money.

He also said a lot of other stuff about being ‘head of the household‘ etc which made him sound like a bit of a twat if I’m honest, but he’s always had a complex with that stuff and I’ve always rolled my eyes and laughed about it.

I’ve Worked out he’s got about £10k in savings from this year. Couldn’t speak for the rest as we did use a lot of savings when moving/paying legal fees but he’s got £30k in different accounts. He bought our cars on credit cards which we’re also paying off - no interest ones. It wasn’t my choice at the time but he insisted. I’m not sure what to do if I’m honest. He’s not a cruel man but he is controlling. I do think he loves me and the kids. The fact is - I have no where to go, no close family and I’m new to this area so I haven’t had much chance to make new friends. I couldn’t pay for this house on my own, along with a carer, childcare etc. I also can’t move as the local authority pays for my son’s care plan and I could risk losing it if I move from here. I am dependent on him financially so I have to, for now, accept some of his decisions. But I’m unhappy and I think I need some time to consider my future. I don’t feel like this is much of a marriage. He did seem surprised when I said how strained things were, and said I just thought we were tired! Lol. Men are from mars…

I’m also going to look at my own salary and see if I can budget a bit better, try and give myself some more wriggle room. I don’t earn loads but I’m sure I can cut some expenses out.

Thanks again. I was expecting a lot of people to tell me I was being stupid so it’s quite heartening to hear that I’m not being that daft.

That 20K absolutely IS your money, as it is his and your kids.

Personally I would want full access to those savings he’s put away. As a general rule, men don’t save money to feel more secure, it’s usually because they’re spending it on someone or are saving for an item or experience.

Wow I'd be furious! I had an inheritance if £40k, plus a critical illness payout if £30k (at the same time). I told my husband aboit both immediately and he was involved in the insurance claim. We spent it on an extension. If he got an inheritance id feel it was joint money for our household.

If the money is for legal fees for your shared child then it should be in an absolute you have access to. And he should have told you about it!

I'm sorry, but I also call bullshit on being (years later) still too consumed with grief to mention a bank account to you (although of course he was capable of doing so when it meant he could buy some crap off Gumtree).

Being controlling IS cruel. Letting you worry about money instead of saying 'good news, my inheritance came so we now have some money in reserve in case we need another legal fight for Tim'

I wouldn't roll your eyes and laugh at his idea of being 'head of the household'. It's not just a concept he's throwing around in his own head- it is impacting you and your children on a daily basis. It's impacting your time, your career, your ability to make decisions about your own life. It has you trapped right now, you say you can't leave him even if you want to.

He's robbing you of agency.

So you facilitate him working 70 hours per week but don't benefit from it in anyway? Fuck that! He's a tight arse at best, more like a financial abuser! He had no money to hand for childcare with £1000s in the bank? A hard conversation needs to be had! I have a feeling the secret inheritance is the tip of the iceberg

Anyone would be upset in your position lots of good advice and perspectives on here already I agree with most of them really. One thing I would point out is it sounds like you have a trad husband, is that correct? If so you can explain the rights and wrongs of all this to him and he’ll probably understand, but he’s unlikely to change. If you want to stay with him you might want to read up on how to get the best out of him and your relationship, and “read up” I mean giving all the sensible relationship books a miss and going straight for the Laura Doyle/Rules end of the market.
The short version of the advice is take care of and prioritise yourself as much as possible. Show your trad husband lots of respect. Have lots of respect for yourself but also be emotionally vulnerable. Let him lead on certain things including finances.

He should have told you about that money 100% though

Wtf?

i think she should probably follow the other advice on here but honestly if he sees himself as head of the household that attitude is going to take a lot of undoing, that’s not a very normal perspective for even a difficult man. So, if she’s going to stay with him she might be better off managing him on his own terms. It’s shit, but I think it might be good advice. What do we think is going to happen here? She’s going to explain how bad his behaviour is and he’s going to sit there taking notes and then change his ways? Is she going to send him to this thread so he learns right from wrong.
Doesn't seem likely, that’s why I’m trying to give advice that might be useful, even if it is very unfair

Ok, I am going to skip all the relationship advice and just suggest that you need a much better paying job!

You are a qualified teacher, you have experience working online and you presumably have some editing skills. I think that you could do much better than your current salary.

Look at children’s charities or perhaps the civil service.

He doesn't trust you. Simple as that. If he did he'd have told you. He's leaving you to struggle with child care while he sits on £20k to himself.

I'd be speaking with a lawyer or at least a women's service to get advice on what you would be entitled to in a divorce.

Let him be the 'head' of a household with less than half his money, and no free nanny/chef/housekeeper.

Absolutely return to work asap.

If you divorced you'd likely be better off financially, and even if he only has EOW, you'd get some time to yourself to recover from this life you are living.

Another Schrödinger thread where if the woman had put aside the money it would be sensible planning but the man....

A lot depends on if the legal angle has legs. If he genuinely saved in anticipation of that, then maybe it's a communication issue. That they are frugal despite coming from wealth (if true) it means they have an appreciation of money and it's worth. It could have made life easier in the short term to be spent covering those expenses, but maybe they genuinely felt it might be better spent on the future plans for your child who needs it. Maybe they were worried if they had announced the existence that it might get spent on the day to day and then when you really did need a backup fund it could be used. If it was really something they didn't want you to know you'd stll be oblivious I imagine

I'm sorry, what??

@Missbobbisocks see this incident as a prompt for you both to focus on improving the marriage. You need to get your sex life back on track and also spend regular time just as a couple, not talking about work/stresses. Physical intimacy for men is the gateway to emotional intimacy and will help you also feel more connected to him. As you already know, marriage takes work and and your marriage is in real danger of deteriorating.

Is it financially viable at all for you to stop working and concentrate on the disabled child and household to reduce some of the stress you're under and also free up a more practical and mental space for the marriage?

At the very very least OP that overtime money needs to pay fully for those 2 days child care you need and then anything left going 50/50 into 2 accounts, one in your name and one in his or the savings need to go into joint account/s in both your names. There's heaps in savings and you can't keep up what you're doing right now, it's too much. Some of that overtime needs to go towards making all your lives easier, child care 2 days would be a good start and a very reasonable thing to spend money on.

Hmmm.... your situation sounds similar to a friend of mine. It's not a lack of trust her DH has - he uses the money control to ensure he gets everything he wants, comes and goes as he pleases, while she does all the child care (two disabled DC), housework, etc. and is completely exhausted and can't afford any luxuries.

He's now been caught cheating and she's left, but is stuck as she has no idea how much money there is. I know he's hiding money but genuinely sees it as 'his'. She'll now struggle to make ends meet and be reliant on him telling her what she's entitled to as she can't afford a solicitor.

So my advice OP, is to know exactly what money there is, have access to it, and if need be, demand you resume your career part time and your DH goes to part time as well. He ether shares the money or shares the load. Don't be vulnerable like my friend has been.

We seem to be getting a sudden influx of surrendered wives......... @Freeformfire25 and @CottonC ... 😱

@MermaidMummy06 - please tell your friend she cannot afford to NOT engage a solicitor. Given the situation you describe, she'd be very foolish to try and get divorced without competent legal advice.

I'm willing to bet not all of his 70 hours a week are spent working either!
Do you think he might have a mistress/girlfriend on the side?

If so, perhaps some of his money is going on her?
Or he could be stockpiling the money as a means to escape and set-up home elsewhere of he has to.

He sounds so untrustworthy, I wouldn't want to be involved with someone like that.

Ideally, you need to see his payslips and bank statements to see what he's been up to. Then go from there. If he won't show them to you, that's a major red flag and you may be better off separating. You can't go on like this.

@PaminaMozart there's nothing "surrendered" about the OP looking after her wellbeing. Looking after a disabled child plus another child alongside juggling a job and other things is so much for someone to handle. If the husband is comfortable being the breadwinner and there's a way for them to survive without her salary, let him take on all the financial stress - the OP is already doing her share by looking after the kids and house.

Him not being forthcoming about the money didn't come form nowhere - as OP herself said, it's symptomatic of the increasing distance they've been experiencing in the marriage. All.marriages have low points but for any marriage to work, both need to work on it , make it a priority and create space for it to flourish and intimacy is a vital part of that.

*from

"I am dependent on him financially so I have to, for now, accept some of his decisions."

I suspect that is his intention.

You really need to become more independent which probably means not facilitating his overtime at the expense of your own earning power.