To be upset that my husband his £20k inheritance from me for three years?

[Missbobbisocks]

Hi all. Brand new but my head is in a spin and I saw this and thought why the hell not? Maybe some internet people can give me some perspective. This might be quite long, sorry but I need to explain where I’m coming from.

So basically been married for 12 years, together 19 years, three kids (11, 9 and 2). It’s not been a bed of roses - oldest child is disabled so I gave up career as a teacher to be the carer. Last house had subsidence but we managed to get it resolved on the insurance and sell. We’re both key workers so not exactly high earners, although I work 30 hours a week for a learning resource website while looking after the 2 year old. Husband can work upwards of 70+ hour weeks so is either home or not home. In a nutshell, we’re broke, tired and our relationship is strained. We never have much money left at the end of the month and struggle constantly. We have no sex life as I work 4-5 hours at night as I can’t afford nursery for the 2 year old.

We moved to our new house to be closer to our older son’s specialist school. Been here a year now- it’s lovely, but expensive and cost of living does us no favours. We could only afford a ‘doer-upper’ but we had a bit of dosh from the sale and have made it stretch.

Three years ago my husband’s very elderly grandfather died. I was expecting our third child at the time and even gave him the first name as his middle. Last night my husband casually let it drop that his mother had gifted him and his siblings her share of her father’s inheritance (he is the oldest of 5 siblings). His parents are extremely rich (millionaires at a conservative estimate though we don’t talk about it and they aren’t flash with their cash so it’s not immediately obvious). So he’s had a £20k inheritance sitting in a private account for two years and not mentioned it once to me.

it’s not the money - it’s not mine and I would never presume to ask for it. We don’t mix our money other than joint household costs although husband earns substantially more and covers more. But I feel so betrayed - I can’t believe he wouldn’t tell me his mum gave him the money. He’s only mentioned it because he wanted to buy something off gumtree and I said sorry, I don’t have any cash until the end of the month now (just paid for my car insurance). And he said, don’t worry I’ll use my inheritance… which brings me round to here, sort of.

I’m so upset I’ve been giving him the cold shoulder. When I asked why didn’t you tell me he shrugged and said it’s not a big deal. But things are already difficult between us - there’s a distance now, we don’t talk much and we seem to argue so much our sensitive daughter picks up on it. So this secret inheritance really feels like the end of the line for me. If he can easily hide that, what else does he not tell me?

So AIBU to be so hurt that he hid the inheritance?

@CottonC

So after caring all day for three children (one a toddler and one disabled) solo, keeping house, then working 4 hours into the night to earn a pittance to make ends meet while her husband hoards money...you then think OP should use her last shred of energy to reward her selfish controlling financially abusive prick of a husband with sex.

I would rather fuck mud.

Financial coercion and abuse. I would go through all his statements and copy them.

The real problem is your relationship.
You simply have to put the hardship stuff aside and give yourselves time and space to reconnect.

Use a baby sitter and splurge on yourselves.
Prioritise your personal bed room and make it a nice place to escape the kids.
Can you start working in a better paying job?
Can you budget better with your food - no take away etc.?
Sit down together and really work on the budget. Seek financiall advice - lay everything on the table.

The inheritance being kept a secret is dire.
It seems a sympton of the poor communication.
It is right that DH didn't put it in the family pot of money.

I would advise to not allow DH to fritter it away.

you need to go to couples counselling together

I tried to sign the toddler to two days and he got very stressed, said we couldn’t afford the fees so I pulled out. I assumed we’d go halves but he said he didn’t have it to hand

I’d confront him about this. He said he didn’t have the money to hand for half childcare fees so you could work, yet he did have it to hand - sitting in the bank. I would be absolutely furious about this.

How selfish op.
Not a big deal to him.

How awful.

I got similar smaller amount and dh knows it's our safety net. I used some for some reason desperate house repairs, some fun stuff, some urgently needed ikea furniture..
But now it's invested as safety net.

With £20k top up to savings maybe you could’ve agreed to only save half of his overtime each month, or just had that mental reassurance that the struggle now was not going to be forever and you were doing well with savings. By not telling you it’s prevented you from having some reassurance and you’re wondering why he wouldn’t want you to have that.

I haven't read the whole thread yet but would likely be the final nail in the coffin on this marriage for me.

What a thing to keep hidden, what on earth was he thinking?

There's a scene in The Crown that DH and I liked where QE2 and PP were discussing the state of their marriage. And QE2 said something about you're either in or your out, not halfway. And it's true here. A man that would hide £20k from his wife presumably because he wants to spend it on himself in secret is not really in, is he? He's got one foot out the door. A committed family man would have told you about the money as soon as he knew and you would've discussed as a family how it was spent or saved.

So after you confronted him he says the savings are for solicitors fees you may need in the future…basically something that would benefit your family, rather than relying on someone else to pay. Sounds very sensible, but he only told you AFTER you confronted him. If he’s telling the truth then surely he would have told you ages ago, when the money is for something for the good of all according to him?

I’m so sorry OP that you find yourself in this position. I was married to a police officer and when we divorced I discovered he had set up several more PMAS unit trusts than he’d told me about. These are saving schemes that are paid direct from salary; I don’t know if they still exist, but if they do and he has some then they will show on salary slips. They made a significant difference to our financial settlement.

I’m quite shocked that there are a few people here suggesting you give up your job and surrender / allow him to have full control whilst you continue with ALL the childcare and he continues with his career. (And this is coming from a SAHM with a big career gap, BUT I have full control over the finances, 100% transparency and we are a team and work together to raise our children / pay the bills.)

As others have suggested I would be putting together a strategy to get out of this situation - definitely applying for better paid jobs during normal working hours and having childcare in place. If you ever do want to leave you are then in a much better financial position to do so. Perhaps this is your husbands intention, by denying childcare he is holding back your career / earning potential so you can’t leave?

@OhGoOnThenIfYouInsist I posted a follow up, do you want to make an additional point of are you just keen on shaming me because I gave some honest if unpopular advice? All to often on here people suggest an OP should leave, in this case that would probably be ideal and justified. However, lots of people don’t want to leave or don’t feel they can for now, he sounds like he a trad husband type and OP already mentioned “men are from mars…” so there’s a fair chance she’s bought into that to some degree. So if she’s going to stay she will have better luck going the trad wife route than trying to convince him he should be different, that’s my opinion, it’s not that common which is why I bothered to post at all. I don’t have a traditional marriage type, so it’s not an approach I have to use- I have religious friends who do and I know one of them at least rates Doyle’s advice highly on this sort of situation.

Start looking for a much better paid job 25 to 30k+

Sort out contraception

You need to protect your own financial future & well being

It seems that he does not see you as an equal

It’s a difficult one. The idealist in me agrees with you. But I have been there with a partner who always finished the month with no-money. He was a spender, and would constantly dip into savings (also from an inheritance) to fund his spending. For me, what is the item on gumtree- is it a nice to have or a family essential. If you had known about the money would you have been expecting £200 or £300 a month to make things a little easier her and there? I’m not saying that’s wrong- but if that’s the kind of page you are on perhaps he wanted to protect the money from dwindling.

I am one of those types who likes to have a years worth of expenses in case of catastrophe, whereas some people like to make the hear and now a little easier. It’s different perspectives

Haydenn I totally agree that it is sensible to save the money and protect this from constant spending (and I’m a big saver too!) however he didn’t tell her about it, and that would be the issue for me. She probably would have slept better at night knowing that they had that in reserves to help their son etc if he needed it, but she didn’t know about it. I don’t understand why a loving husband would keep that important information to himself and not share with his wife. (When he could have kept the money in separate savings anyway)

Wow nice manipulation . He is sad about his grandfather emu backside!

He has savings ? Yes him while
you and kids struggle. .
Id leave before he gets the chance .
You will be so much better off on your own .
You will take half of everything and you and the kids deserve it .
He’s a shit husband and an even worse dad .
This is no relationship
He sees his parent etc as family not you and his own kids.

Don’t let this man lie keep secrets and con you any more .

Totaly!
He is doing everything for himself and nothing to support OP

I can understand keeping the inheritance as rainy day money.
And I thought it was admirable working the hours he does just to make ends meet - which further illustrated the need for a rainy day fund.
But when I hear he's putting OT money into a savings account and you have no access and don't know the balance - then things change.
You are facilitating his overtime and struggling.
I would tell him that he either needs to stop some of the overtime and help more, or use the overtime for current financial needs.

And, see if you can cut back at all.
Stop paying anything that affects him alone and tell him to pick up that slack himself.
Little by little try to squirrel away your own Fuck You Fund, doing anything you can to increase your income and reduce your expenditure.
If you do the food shopping, every so often ask him to pick up so- and- so for dinner, and save that money. Look for cheaper brands.
Shop second hand for clothes.
Anything you can do really.

OP Your husband sounds like quite a proud hardworking person. Someone who obviously knew he had a windfall eventually coming but didn't rely on that. I know a lot of people who have wealthy families and they are just laying about waiting for someone to die.

My partner and I have an ongoing argument so much like this. My dad's family are wealthy, on the high end of the Times rich list. He wanted nothing to do with them for many reasons, worked insanely hard and never took a penny from anyone. He died young, party due to overwork. His family's foundation paid for the funeral as I was fresh out of uni and broke. They handed me a big jiffy bag stuffed with cash and I never felt so disappointed in myself. He would have hated the thought of them paying. I vowed I would work so hard I'd never have to take a handout again.

While getting to finally know that side of the family, it transpired that that the family foundation had paid for my dad's older brothers kids private school, uni and even helped buy them their first homes.

My sister, cousins and I have nursary aged kids and while foundation usually doesn't pay for early years my sister and cousins came to me to me to say we should ask the foundation to pay for nursery fees. I wanted nothing to do with that. Anyway, the foundation agreed and they all get free child care with juicy expendable incomes.

When my partner found out I had taken myself out of the equation she hit the roof as she felt it wasn't my decision to make. Same thing about this not being a marriage if I go off making decisions on my own.

My argument was that we didn't need it. Everyone has to work so hard to pay for nursery, why should we be any different?

The thing is, like that £20k I have a safety net. But if I focus on that safety net I will stop fighting and trying. Maybe that's what he was doing by just trying to pretend it's not there?

So she's being deprived of money and information and your answer is to focus on their sex life????

Your partner has a very valid point

Obviously your family, your call. But it should have been discussed

He said he didn't have money for HIS OWN CHILD'S CARE to hand, while he had £20K in the bank, doing nothing?

He's a piece of shit. Sorry.

He is. And with decent childcare OP could have improved her employment. Making them better off as a family. The fact that he didn't want this makes it clear it's about control, not about saving and being sensible.

@FloweryName OP hasn't been cheating. It sounds like it's the strain of the children and lack of money doesn't it? Sorry but I would be livid if my husband was sitting on 20k and OP has been working 5 shifts a week with 3 DC. In fact I'd probably ask DH to leave the house for a while!