To be upset that my husband his £20k inheritance from me for three years?

[Missbobbisocks]

Hi all. Brand new but my head is in a spin and I saw this and thought why the hell not? Maybe some internet people can give me some perspective. This might be quite long, sorry but I need to explain where I’m coming from.

So basically been married for 12 years, together 19 years, three kids (11, 9 and 2). It’s not been a bed of roses - oldest child is disabled so I gave up career as a teacher to be the carer. Last house had subsidence but we managed to get it resolved on the insurance and sell. We’re both key workers so not exactly high earners, although I work 30 hours a week for a learning resource website while looking after the 2 year old. Husband can work upwards of 70+ hour weeks so is either home or not home. In a nutshell, we’re broke, tired and our relationship is strained. We never have much money left at the end of the month and struggle constantly. We have no sex life as I work 4-5 hours at night as I can’t afford nursery for the 2 year old.

We moved to our new house to be closer to our older son’s specialist school. Been here a year now- it’s lovely, but expensive and cost of living does us no favours. We could only afford a ‘doer-upper’ but we had a bit of dosh from the sale and have made it stretch.

Three years ago my husband’s very elderly grandfather died. I was expecting our third child at the time and even gave him the first name as his middle. Last night my husband casually let it drop that his mother had gifted him and his siblings her share of her father’s inheritance (he is the oldest of 5 siblings). His parents are extremely rich (millionaires at a conservative estimate though we don’t talk about it and they aren’t flash with their cash so it’s not immediately obvious). So he’s had a £20k inheritance sitting in a private account for two years and not mentioned it once to me.

it’s not the money - it’s not mine and I would never presume to ask for it. We don’t mix our money other than joint household costs although husband earns substantially more and covers more. But I feel so betrayed - I can’t believe he wouldn’t tell me his mum gave him the money. He’s only mentioned it because he wanted to buy something off gumtree and I said sorry, I don’t have any cash until the end of the month now (just paid for my car insurance). And he said, don’t worry I’ll use my inheritance… which brings me round to here, sort of.

I’m so upset I’ve been giving him the cold shoulder. When I asked why didn’t you tell me he shrugged and said it’s not a big deal. But things are already difficult between us - there’s a distance now, we don’t talk much and we seem to argue so much our sensitive daughter picks up on it. So this secret inheritance really feels like the end of the line for me. If he can easily hide that, what else does he not tell me?

So AIBU to be so hurt that he hid the inheritance?

No he doesn’t spend any money on himself. If he gets something new it’s because I’ve gone out a bought it for him. I get all the clothes and extra stuff for the kids and sometimes I’ll get him a new top (tends to be Primark these days!) but he gets cross when I do it. In our relationship he’s always presented me as the ‘shopper’ when I’m not, I’m just the one who runs the errands so it looks that way.

His salary is paid into our joint bill account so I see what he earns. He takes out the separate OT and pays that into a savings account. I don’t have the details for that account so I don’t ask about it.

He’s extremely cautious about money. Hates spending, hates shopping.

it’s actually quite hard to explain but he just likes to have a savings pot to make him feel safe. But I can’t shake the feeling that he doesn’t trust me and has hidden the money deliberately. He’s from a wealthy background so I guess £20k isn’t much. All his siblings got an equal share.

Well he's told you now. It's really not worth leaving him over. Just take a big breath and be thankful for the 20k.

My mum secretly gave me some money towards a car a few years ago. I wasn't to tell my dad as she confessed she had 40k from an inheritance in a rainy day building society account, that he didn't know about. They've been married 50 years!

@Missbobbisocks if he is putting his overtime into a savings account, there must be a pretty penny in there too!! is it in joint names or is it just in his name?????

I’m curious, why would you not need to know how much is in the separate OT savings account? What will this money be used for? If it’s for your childrens driving lessons / uni / house deposits/ doing up the house etc surely you need to know how much is there, or how else can you both plan for the future? I totally agree thats it’s good to save and have a contingency plan but surely you should both agree an amount you are aiming for and how the pot should be divided? Especially if you are struggling with the bills each month

Personally I'd be hunting down the details of that savings account and seeing just what he's got stashed away. If your spare cash is going into it then you have every right.

The fact he's being secretive has my nose twitching....

Oof, time for the 'come to Jesus' conversation here. All finances out in the open and a joint plan made OR you work out how much better off you'd be without him.

This is the issue with separate finances really, at the point you have an agreed set up whereby you both contribute to the joint account but the rest of your money is “yours” (which is fine if it works for you, it does work really well for some people), it does mean you have no say over where the rest of the money goes, and maybe he just saw the inheritance as an extension of “his” money AKA not your business?

If the relationship is strained anyway and you barely speak to each other then that doesn’t help. I wouldn’t personally keep it from my husband, but then we spend a lot of time together and spend the majority of our time chatting away to each other when at home or out and about, so I’d have to be actively keeping it from him by not mentioning it. Whereas if you don’t communicate with each other anyway, that is a bit different.

I’m afraid this would be a deal breaker for me. Before we were married or even engaged DH received an inheritance of just over £50k. He called me the minute he found out and automatically told me it was our money.
Im sorry OP but I’m not sure I’d be able to get over the deceit. There must have been so many conversations about your finances/being able to afford things where he’s lied by omission.

If it's going out of the joint account couldn't the op just add up these amounts?

Yanbu for being upset.

Yabu for giving the cold shoulder. Nothing good ever comes from that.

Something about his behaviour doesn't quite add up. A friends husband is similar with money and she's convinced he's on the spectrum. She feels he views money as something to 'collect' rather than to spend. He's literally coin collecting.

Why does he get to keep his overtime pay while you all struggle?

He couldn't earn that overtime without you providing unpaid labour at home.

He's a selfish prick.

Now now, let's not use logic here please.

If he's capable of hiding big money, he's capable of hiding little money. You need complete transparency of your finances, seperate or not.

So you're struggling and he has separate savings out of his pay which is bad enough but now you find out he's been sitting on a pot of 20k.
He's totally selfish. He's putting himself completely before his family and acting like he's single and not part of a family. He also has a contingency in case you split up.
Total walker.

Wanker I meant.

So he has £20k in inheritance sitting around and god knows how much from his OT?

Does he see his overtime as just his? What about all the extra family work you do to allow him to work so much overtime?

This isn't fair OP. You're being majorly taken advantage of and you even buy into it which is the most sad thing. You're more concerned with the principle of truth? WHY? Why is it wrong for you to be annoyed about the actual quantity of money your husband has squirreled away in his name while you struggle to live a normal life (working at nights so that you can do look after your child all day and do the vast majority of parenting and housework generally isn't normal).

Do you want to work on your relationship? If so, then I think you need to be brave and stand your ground. You need to see bank accounts with the full inheritance amount (including seeing the deposit) and a statement of his savings. This then needs to be used for housing work (family investments) and children expenses at the very least. 50% of his OT savings is yours.

My husband earns significantly more than me, mainly as I took a career break having children. We keep the same amount of disposable income each month each, the rest of our money goes into the joint for use - so he pays significantly more for everything that me. Anything left over is split into our own savings (mainly due to the type of savings we have) so we both build up equal savings.

Don't settle for inequality.

Well he might be saving for a 'rainy day' but given that you are looking after a toddler all day and having to work in the evening, I would suggest this is a rainy day now. DP and I have separate finances (with a joint account for bills) but there's no way he'd let me have to work all the hours and the family struggle financially when there is money available for the toddler to go to nursery. I think I would be more annoyed about the overtime being squirreled away out of sight than the inheritance

I think you should divorce him and get what you're entitled to.

Someone from a wealthy family, hoarding his overtime pay, not disclosing an additional £20k ... while telling you he can't pay even 50% of childcare costs for your shared child.

He'd rather hoard his money and have you provide free childcare to the detriment of your own savings, pension and career.

Also, I'd be dubious about whether it's just £20k. His family is wealthy and he only receives £20k from his grandfather's estate? Was there a house etc? Even between 5 siblings that doesn't seem realistic.

He does get paid overtime but he keeps that additional money separate and puts it into savings.
So your skint, can't afford child care and have to work at night take after caring for DC all day and he's sitting on a pile of savings that you can't ever access. Honestly this is worse than the inheritance. You're constantly worried about money and barely making ends meet, having to do more of the child care and related things on your own, you can't work till late because of his overtime and he's stashing the overtime into an account you can't access. This is seriously wrong OP. That's not the actions of a good husband or a good father.

Financial abuse.

He only pays half the bills on his 70 hours so what is he doing with the rest ?

The grandfather’s estate was split into three equal shares for his own children. So MIL, her brother and her late sister but that share went to her own husband. So about £100k each I believe. MIL shared hers with her own children. This is all from what my husband has told me.

I didn’t get anything when my grandparents died so it didn’t occur to me ask him if I’m honest. I just assumed it would go to his Mum. I didn’t think grandparents bequeathed anything as a general rule.

This has been helpful. In truth, I’ve always let the husband control the money - we pay our bills, stay out of debt etc through him. There’s not much left for luxuries etc but that’s ok. I did think we were a team - I thought once I got the funded hours for our youngest I could get a better job and the pressure we’re under would ease.

I’ve never questioned the savings. They’re in his name but I’ve always thought to trust him. We have a roof leak which will be repaired out of that savings pot so no, I don’t have access to that money, but I assumed it’s just here if we need it. I know he doesn’t completely trust me with money - he thinks I spend too much on the kids (I bought new coats this month and he was annoyed, wanted to know why last years didn’t fit etc). He’s definitely more of a collector than a spender!

I don’t know why things are so bad between us. Nothing has happened - no affair, or anything. More like death by a thousand cuts.

I just feel a bit humiliated by his complete lack of trust. I tell him everything - or did when things were good - and he didn’t tell me about this. Makes me very sad. Like he’s given up on us after all this time.

sorry. Just trying to respond to people. I’ll shut up now.

you should have found the money for childcare from these savings. In my mind this overtime is joint earnings seeing as you can’t earn while he does it so I would point that out and say he can find some childcare for his overtime or he can pay some childcare so I can work a couple of days, and if that depletes his savings then he should be willing to help since you’ve been fundamental to him earning them.

I'd be fuming and wouldn't stand for that at all...the OT plus inheritance.

My DH earns the most money of the 2 of us. The savings are in my name only, just cos I deal with the finances.

He does get paid overtime but he keeps that additional money separate and puts it into
So the people saying he's on a good salary are right, and he's not skint, but you are. He is prepared to see you broke, worried about money and exhausted trying to juggle child care and a disabled DC with work. He's not prepared to even pay for 50% child care bill so you can not be completely smashed by exhaustion and yet he's sitting on a big pot of savings you can't even access in an emergency. He's a selfish entitled arsehole. He is also a bad husband and father.