To be upset that my husband his £20k inheritance from me for three years?

[Missbobbisocks]

Hi all. Brand new but my head is in a spin and I saw this and thought why the hell not? Maybe some internet people can give me some perspective. This might be quite long, sorry but I need to explain where I’m coming from.

So basically been married for 12 years, together 19 years, three kids (11, 9 and 2). It’s not been a bed of roses - oldest child is disabled so I gave up career as a teacher to be the carer. Last house had subsidence but we managed to get it resolved on the insurance and sell. We’re both key workers so not exactly high earners, although I work 30 hours a week for a learning resource website while looking after the 2 year old. Husband can work upwards of 70+ hour weeks so is either home or not home. In a nutshell, we’re broke, tired and our relationship is strained. We never have much money left at the end of the month and struggle constantly. We have no sex life as I work 4-5 hours at night as I can’t afford nursery for the 2 year old.

We moved to our new house to be closer to our older son’s specialist school. Been here a year now- it’s lovely, but expensive and cost of living does us no favours. We could only afford a ‘doer-upper’ but we had a bit of dosh from the sale and have made it stretch.

Three years ago my husband’s very elderly grandfather died. I was expecting our third child at the time and even gave him the first name as his middle. Last night my husband casually let it drop that his mother had gifted him and his siblings her share of her father’s inheritance (he is the oldest of 5 siblings). His parents are extremely rich (millionaires at a conservative estimate though we don’t talk about it and they aren’t flash with their cash so it’s not immediately obvious). So he’s had a £20k inheritance sitting in a private account for two years and not mentioned it once to me.

it’s not the money - it’s not mine and I would never presume to ask for it. We don’t mix our money other than joint household costs although husband earns substantially more and covers more. But I feel so betrayed - I can’t believe he wouldn’t tell me his mum gave him the money. He’s only mentioned it because he wanted to buy something off gumtree and I said sorry, I don’t have any cash until the end of the month now (just paid for my car insurance). And he said, don’t worry I’ll use my inheritance… which brings me round to here, sort of.

I’m so upset I’ve been giving him the cold shoulder. When I asked why didn’t you tell me he shrugged and said it’s not a big deal. But things are already difficult between us - there’s a distance now, we don’t talk much and we seem to argue so much our sensitive daughter picks up on it. So this secret inheritance really feels like the end of the line for me. If he can easily hide that, what else does he not tell me?

So AIBU to be so hurt that he hid the inheritance?

Did your MILs late sister have children? If not, it would be unusual for her husband to inherit.

You’ve made a lot of sacrifices, @Missbobbisocks - he should be funding your pension out of ‚his‘ savings to compensate!

No, she didn’t have any children.

"he thinks I spend too much on the kids (I bought new coats this month and he was annoyed*
Buying new coats for growing DC is a completely reasonable expense. He is being controlling with money, it doesn't matter if he thinks you overspend this is in no way ok. The more I read, the more I keep thinking this guy is being so nasty to you. My Ex tried to control money towards the end, it feels horrible having to justify perfectly reasonable expenses and somehow feeling in the wrong. Especially those everyday things like clothes for growing kids and those needed by a disabled child. This may just be the way that he's decided to justify his control and financial abuse, but nothing justifies what he's putting you through.

He's earning about £ 4,381.98 a month (working on 90 hours OT rather than a guaranteed extra 30 hours a week - assuming top rate PC and not any other rank).
That's nearly £2k over usual PC pay.
He's saving that and not disclosed £20k he had been given from you.
Whilst you're running yourself ragged to look after the kids unable to pay for childcare to build a career or a pension of your own.
Is he even putting the savings towards doing stuff to your house?
You need an open and honest conversation about finances - otherwise it's never going to get better.

I would want to see what his savings now are . Are they in joint names OP or just his? Because the way this looks it seems he is saving- whilst you struggle to cover off costs, can't use a nursery etc, etc - it looks to me like he may be trying to save a nice running away fund- that he thinks you won't know how much. It is not ok to have masses of savings but let your family struggle when you know you have other money tucked away secretively

He is hiding money from you while you cannot afford to have a life or job of your own. For goodness sake get those savings in an account you can access, it is YOUR MONEY. He only gets to work those hours because he has a nanny and housekeeper at home, work out what that would actually cost and bill him.

I have never thought how couples finances work really matters (in terms of joint Vs separate account ect) but both parties should have access or know how to access all accounts unless there is financial abuse. One partner should never have all the savings, if not in a joint account it should be split equally and go in to 2 accounts. If you DH died tomorrow you would have no access to any of that money.

You should also be splitting all costs including the children's costs fairly. So not 50/50 split. You are working yourself in the ground for him to be able to have a huge pot of savings. If fo whatever reason he is one day no longer around you have sacrificed your potential earnings and financial security for the family. If you retire what will you live on If he is not around?

He needs to give his head a wobble the fact is children grow and need bigger clothes & shoes regularly. My husband has never once questioned the money I have spent on the children (or anything else). As my DH understands that as I am the main caregiver for the DC it will be me that buys the things they need.

Maybe some marriage counseling would be helpful as there will be an independent person to help you both navigate the difficulties you are facing.

If my understanding is correct then your DH may well have inherited "her share". Unless MILs sisters husband was specifically named as a beneficiary or unless MIL and her siblings did a Deed of Variation to include him.

She could....but just what else might he have stashed away.....

Honestly I’d be livid. I can totally understand why you are upset. I don’t understand the whole keeping finances separate when you are married. Makes no sense as you are a family unit not individuals.

for context I inherited a bit of money from my grandparent and it came straight to my account and went straight off our mortgage. Didn’t pass go. It just went towards our collective aim to own our house. I would expect the same from my husband. I can’t imagine he would keep a secret like that in the first place and for what end? I think you need some serious conversations.

Absolutely this. I hate the perspective that one partner is “earning all the money” without acknowledging that they can only do that because the other one is at home picking up the slack with everything else. It’s a joint effort.

As a couple you don't appear to be using your money wisely.

I wonder why that is? (well I do know, it's obvious...)

You're being taken for a mug

Just in case he’s being shady about his earnings:

If he’s been in the job for more than 6.5 years he’ll be top rate and his take home will be around £2,700 a month give or take (unless he pays for student loan or rail scheme). OT is paid at a minimum of time and a third but if he’s doing extra days rather than his shift running long then it will be time and a half. Even presuming time and a third, at 70 hours a week his take home would be £4,700ish when adjusting for higher tax bracket. At time and a half for OT his take home would be around £5k

If he’s taking the OT out then than means he’s potentially taking out more than he’s putting in. Even at time and a third, over a year he’s put £24k in HIS savings.

If a lot less than that is going into your account, he either has extra savings accounts coming out as a salary deduction or he’s not actually at work for the extra 30 hours. It’s easily done and rife.

Ask to see his payslip as he’ll be able to easily access it on his phone. If you need any advice I’m here.

@OneForMaul I was thinking the same as you about him maybe not being at work too

So he didn’t tell you about a 20k inheritance, said it wasn’t a big deal, sat on it while you were struggling financially, puts his overtime into his personal savings account, and he’s stingy. You have no money left at the end of the month to do anything. Was he expecting you to pay for the thing he wanted from Gumtree, until you said you had no cash left? It sounds like it.
He doesn’t sound like a lovely man and great father tbh.

This is mad, not just the inheritance but the whole thing of separate money, taking about "going halves" on childcare when he earns more than you... Honestly, why get married then manage your finances like housemates? He isn't acting like your teammate and he's got you thinking that's normal. It isn't. Besides which, these are all marital assets whether he wants to see it that way or not. The law knows that you are a team even if he chooses to pretend otherwise.

Blows my mind how many of these threads have women prefacing their experience of a selfish man's ongoing shitty behaviour by describing them as 'wonderful dads' and 'good husbands'.

The bar is on the absolute floor for men.

How can a man who begrudges his growing children a new coat in winter while hoarding money for himself be a good father?

What was he wanting to buy off gumtree, out of curiosity? Something for the family or for himself?

@Dacadactyl I hope it’s not the case but it sounds like it could be. He wouldn’t be the first officer paying rent for his OW and seeing her whilst ‘working OT’

I tried to sign the toddler to two days and he got very stressed, said we couldn’t afford the fees so I pulled out. I assumed we’d go halves but he said he didn’t have it to hand. This was last year so I’m waiting on the funded hours for next April.

This is awful. I have no words....

We don’t mix our money other than joint household costs although husband earns substantially more and covers more.

But…. You gave up your career to care for your eldest. You scrape by with the job you do while caring for the two year old.

How is it fair that he keeps his earnings while you lose your earnings, your teachers pension, your career, to do the childcare for kids that are also his?

And she works 5 hours at night because he is too mean to contribute to childcare costs.

That‘s 5 fucking hours on top of looking after children and home and cooking and shopping and god knows what else.

Makes my blood boil…

This is financial abuse and horrible. I'm so sorry

I really hope OP this thread is helping you realise that you are in a financially abusive situation and your husband is being incredibly controlling. Lots of support on this thread and I really hope everything improves for you and you are able to get some control back, (For a start, I would definitely be insisting that some of the overtime money is spent on nursery for the little one) sending support xx

My MIL keeps spelling my name wrong even though I have told her how to spell it
It's a simple 6 letter name , very straight forward easy name.
I have known my MIL for 35 years.
I am her only daughter in law.
Do you think she is winding me up? It's driving me nuts !!! 😡