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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask whether you’d be upset to be asked to be a bridesmaid in this way?

106 replies

Townhalls · 15/11/2023 17:17

I’m getting married and have chosen three friends that I’d like to be my bridesmaids. Two friends I’ve already asked as it was very much a given (I was a BM at their weddings). But I’m yet to ask the third friend. She’s a close friend but not quite as close as the other two, and I don’t think she’ll be expecting to be asked. I’m not 100% sure whether or not it’s something she’d want to do. She’s had some life issues recently and also doesn’t like to be the centre of attention.

In view of this, I’d thought about sending her a nice text to say how much I value our friendship and that I’d love for her to be a bridesmaid, but also that I’d like to give her the space to consider it, and for her to feel free say no if it’s not her thing. I mentioned this to the other two BMs who both said they would be massively upset if someone texted them to ask something so important and that I should do it face to face with a bridesmaid proposal gifts (as I did for them).

I’d really welcome your thoughts here!

YANBU - asking by text is fine!
YABU - it’s too impersonal, you need to discuss face to face.

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 15/11/2023 17:19

What’s a bridesmaid proposal gift? I have never had one when asked

i agree just phone her and talk to her to ask her if you don’t want to meet up

AppleKatie · 15/11/2023 17:19

Well I would have done it by text for all three 😀😅😂

but you can’t do ‘bridesmaid proposal gifts’ (what fresh hell??) for two and text the third. The problem is lack of equality.

TheresaCrowd · 15/11/2023 17:21

Can't vote because I think it'd be fine to message and say you've got something important to ask, and then arrange a time you can phone her.

Original poster
Townhalls · 15/11/2023 17:23

AppleKatie · 15/11/2023 17:19

Well I would have done it by text for all three 😀😅😂

but you can’t do ‘bridesmaid proposal gifts’ (what fresh hell??) for two and text the third. The problem is lack of equality.

To clarify I was thinking I’d text her to ask, then follow up with the usual card and gift if she were to agree. I just wouldn’t want to present her with a gift as I feel it’s presumptuous and she may feel compelled to say yes.

OP posts:
Clarinet1 · 15/11/2023 17:24

I’ve never heard of bridesmaid proposal gifts but if it’s what your crowd do, fine.
As regards to asking your friend, I think face-to-face would be nicer than a text but otherwise just say you’d love it if she did it but understand if she’d prefer not.
Also, is it the kind of wedding where the bridesmaids are going to have to shell out quite a lot for dress, shoes, hen trip etc.? You don’t say what the personal issues she’s had are but, if they involve her finances, this could be important.

KThnxBye · 15/11/2023 17:28

I would absolutely be upset to be asked to a be bridesmaid. Especially with a proposal gift! That’s like a public marriage proposal - way too much pressure, and insensitive in the scenario you describe.

I do not like to be centre of attention (and I’m over the age of 20!) and would refuse. Then feel awkward.

Torganer · 15/11/2023 17:29

I know it’s your wedding and therefore important to you, but I’m not being asked to be a bridesmaid is really something ‘so important’ it requires proposal gifts and doing face to face?

Flickersy · 15/11/2023 17:30

Bridesmaid proposal gifts?

Blimey they keep thinking of new ways to squeeze money out of gullible people don't they.

Just call her OP.

Diolchynfawr · 15/11/2023 17:31

I’m afraid I voted YABU based on the mention of ‘bridesmaid proposal gifts’.

Totally OTT. Text is absolutely fine. Anybody who is insulted by being asked to be a bridesmaid without a gift is crackers.

WhichIsItWendy · 15/11/2023 17:31

The drama has already started!

It's a wedding, most people have one (or three). Being asked to be bridesmaid isn't like being asked to marry someone. It's absolutely fine to text someone. And she of course can either say yes or no.

I know it's your wedding, and a huge deal to you - as it should be, but it really isn't that big to everyone else. Just text and see what she says.

I do wonder though, why are you asking someone who you're not as close to when you already have two bridesmaids, when you suspect she won't want to do it? Just stick with the two best friends and be done with it.

HanSB · 15/11/2023 17:35

If you usually text her then I think texting will give her the space to think about it and refuse if she doesn't want to. Asking in person might put her on the spot a bit and push her into making a choice she might not have decided on otherwise.

gotomomo · 15/11/2023 17:36

3 adults as bridesmaid is already over the top in my mind unless they are related to you (or the groom). I would ask my adult DD's plus dsd's but that's because I can't ask only 1 or 2

WiIIowT · 15/11/2023 17:36

You're getting typical MN responses here. They don't like bridesmaids boxes, hen do's, baby showers, revealing whether the baby is a girl or boy (I wouldnt dream of calling it a gender reveal given that you're not allowed to call it that on MN either).

Nothing wrong with a bridesmaid box, lovely if that's what you want to do. I agree with you that this might put pressure on someone who is quiet and doesn't like attention. It's a tough one, a text seems thoughtless, a face to face item puts someone in an awkward position. What about get a card made, turn up with it but ask them to open it once you've left and explain in the card that you wanted them to open it in their own time to not feel any pressure.

caringcarer · 15/11/2023 17:38

I've never heard of a Bridesmaids Proposal Gift. 🤷

justteanbiscuits · 15/11/2023 17:39

When my BF asked me she asked over text - and I massively appreciated it as it gave me my own time to freak out, think there is no way I could do it, but then calm down again! Which is what she knew was likely and I really loved that she took my feelings into consideration.

Dacadactyl · 15/11/2023 17:40

You need to ask her face to face. They way youve phrased that in a text could well come across like youre half heartedly asking. Kind of in a "I'm asking you, but don't feel like you have to" which she may take to mean you're not bothered if she does or doesnt

Namechangedagain20 · 15/11/2023 17:41

Ask face to face, you can have the gift in a bag ready for if she says yes. That covers all.

(I do find bridesmaid gifts way over the top though. I’ve seen this pop up a bit over the last few years and it just seems so unnecessary).

PrawnPuri · 15/11/2023 17:43

Just stick with two. I have a bad feeling about getting a third friend involved. Perhaps it is the proposal gift thing which is unnerving me. Is this a new social media fad??

whereisthecheese · 15/11/2023 17:43

You know your friend, they don't. Do what you thought was best (for the record, I text my 3 certains to ask, I asked the one I wasn't sure would want to in person)

Whataretheodds · 15/11/2023 17:45

Dacadactyl · 15/11/2023 17:40

You need to ask her face to face. They way youve phrased that in a text could well come across like youre half heartedly asking. Kind of in a "I'm asking you, but don't feel like you have to" which she may take to mean you're not bothered if she does or doesnt

V much agree. If she also gets wind that the others have received a F2F 'proposal gift' (WTF?) it will be especially hurtful

saveforthat · 15/11/2023 17:46

Bridesmaids used to get a gift at the wedding, is the proposal gift as well as or instead of? To be honest if I got a text saying please be my bridesmaid but I understand if you don't want to do it, I would think you didn't really want me to accept.

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/11/2023 17:46

It doesn't sound as though she would want to do it or expects you to ask her. I would just leave it.

joan12 · 15/11/2023 17:50

Is this a product placement for someone selling bridesmaid gifts?

If I had pearls if be clutching them. Ugh

jolenethea · 15/11/2023 17:50

I see no issue in texting to ask

RecoveringBorderlineIsBack · 15/11/2023 17:52

@Townhalls Being asked by text wouldn't upset me at all especially if asked in the considerate way you mention. Having said that, you mention the other BM s weren't keen on the idea of a text may be face to face is better. Take her out to afternoon tea and ask her?