To ask whether you’d be upset to be asked to be a bridesmaid in this way?

[Townhalls]

I’m getting married and have chosen three friends that I’d like to be my bridesmaids. Two friends I’ve already asked as it was very much a given (I was a BM at their weddings). But I’m yet to ask the third friend. She’s a close friend but not quite as close as the other two, and I don’t think she’ll be expecting to be asked. I’m not 100% sure whether or not it’s something she’d want to do. She’s had some life issues recently and also doesn’t like to be the centre of attention.

In view of this, I’d thought about sending her a nice text to say how much I value our friendship and that I’d love for her to be a bridesmaid, but also that I’d like to give her the space to consider it, and for her to feel free say no if it’s not her thing. I mentioned this to the other two BMs who both said they would be massively upset if someone texted them to ask something so important and that I should do it face to face with a bridesmaid proposal gifts (as I did for them).

I’d really welcome your thoughts here!

YANBU - asking by text is fine!
YABU - it’s too impersonal, you need to discuss face to face.

Your plan is fine OP. Also just roll your eyes at the onslaught that will come. Don’t take it personally. Killing joy is clearly a national pastime.

Bridesmaids proposal gifts sound very much like the preserve of people who like Mrs Hinch and have grey crushed velvet furnishings. Probably the type who like “making memories with this one” and holidaying in Dubai. <shudder>

I've been a bridesmaid 5 times and 3 of the 'proposals' were by text. None involved proposal gifts.

If your friend doesn't like to be the centre of attention then I think a nicely worded, non-pressured text is the perfect way to go. It gives her time to think about her response and doesn't put her on the spot.

Bloody hell no wonder weddings are so expensive!

There is a lot of overthinking here. Text is fine.

I personally called my best friends to let them know about my engagement and just asked them on the same call. I only gave them thank you gifts at the wedding during my speech.

I would ring rather than text or face to face. I think the bridesmaid proposal is OTT especially if she doesn't like being centre of attention.

Never ask potentially awkward things face to face. It puts both of you under too much pressure in the moment.

I had a matron of honour gift recently, I was taken aback but it was really quite sweet, it was a simple piece of (costume) jewellery that we will all wear on the day.
I think face to face as that's how you've asked the others, judge her reaction and then caveat with I would love to have you there with me but I fully understand if you're not comfortable and I won't be offended if you say no. Then if she says yes give her the gift

Don’t do the gift thing - ridiculous and so tacky. I’d do it face to face, or if that isn’t an option,’on the phone. And be understanding if she’d rather not, perhaps give her time to go away and think.

If someone text me to ask me I don’t think I’d be upset by that but if someone said “but feel free to say no” that would put doubt in my mind on wether you genuinely really want me there. The bridesmaid proposal gift seems abit pointless after already asking by text, the idea of the gift is the lovely surprise of being asked to be bridesmaid

Couldn't you send her a beautiful handwritten card or something with a nicely worded "proposal" so that she can think about it without the pressure of face to face? It shows thoughtfulness but also respects the fact that she may not like to be put on the spot. I also wouldn't say anything about "it's ok if you don't want to" because I agree that it makes it sound like you aren't really that bothered. It's nicer to say you value her friendship and you'd really truly love her to be your bridesmaid. The proposal gift thing seems ott but I'm old!

Whatever you do it will be better than one of my bridesmaids who asked me & I felt like I couldn't refuse!

A card and a gift? Bridesmaid boxes? What the fuck is this new nonsense?

OH YES!

Whew , thank goodness other people don’t know what a bridesmaid proposal gift is ! I thought it was because I am old but clearly not!
What sort of thing do you give ??

Just text her and ask.

And don't say "I understand if you don't want to" as that would make me think you didn't really want me. Just say "I'd love you to be my bridesmaid if it's something you would like to do".

If she says yes you can send her a present.

Indeed. And yes I hate all the rest as well, "gender" reveal parties, baby showers, Elf on the Shelf, December 1 boxes, Christmas Eve boxes.

I thought people were hard up these days! Well I know a lot of people aren't.

Are you and the two you have already asked all one friendship group? And the third isn't?

I'd be fine with a text myself, I'd only put myself through it for my very best friend (and luckily she had enough sisters to cover that anyway) so it would give me time to phrase my refusal!

I should do it face to face with a bridesmaid proposal gifts (as I did for them).

You'd have been fine to ring and ask and just say have a think you don't have to let me know right away. BUT you've now done this really naff over the top elaborate proposal for the others so yeah you can't just send the 3rd one a text.

Are you giving them gifts now because you're going to ask them to do loads of stuff and be your servants for the day? If so I'd let her how what your expectations for the role are

It sounds like you know your friend pretty well. I hate being asked to do stuff like this and would defo appreciate a “heads up” opt in/out text. Sounds like a good choice for this particular friend, no pressure etc x

She’s a close friend but not quite as close as the other two, and I don’t think she’ll be expecting to be asked.

On the basis of this, I would stick to the two you've got, I smell a drama.

ask her face to face even if it's a video call I'd be pissed off by a text. the gifts are just for social media /photos they don't really mean much so I think it would be better just asking and by them some nice BM gifts to wear on the day .

Sweet mother of Christ what is a bridesmaid proposal gift.. does it live next to the elf on the shelf and the Easter tree?

But anyway text is fine

Can’t really understand why this bridesmaiding is such a big deal?
what will they need to do? Help you choose a dress, organise a night out (hen do), choose their own clothes/mutual agreement on outfits, be there for you night before and in the day.
that’s it right? Why does it need a “proposal” and a “gift”?
admittedly I have been married a long time. This may have changed.

For those who are unaware, bridesmaid "proposal" gifts are a thing. It's a box or gift you open that says something along the lines of "will you be my bridesmaid", along with different items e.g. jewellery, photos, pamper items. Doesn't have to be expensive and they've been about for years.
If I were you, I'd send the text and then if she says yes give her the gift 😊