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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask whether you’d be upset to be asked to be a bridesmaid in this way?

106 replies

Townhalls · 15/11/2023 17:17

I’m getting married and have chosen three friends that I’d like to be my bridesmaids. Two friends I’ve already asked as it was very much a given (I was a BM at their weddings). But I’m yet to ask the third friend. She’s a close friend but not quite as close as the other two, and I don’t think she’ll be expecting to be asked. I’m not 100% sure whether or not it’s something she’d want to do. She’s had some life issues recently and also doesn’t like to be the centre of attention.

In view of this, I’d thought about sending her a nice text to say how much I value our friendship and that I’d love for her to be a bridesmaid, but also that I’d like to give her the space to consider it, and for her to feel free say no if it’s not her thing. I mentioned this to the other two BMs who both said they would be massively upset if someone texted them to ask something so important and that I should do it face to face with a bridesmaid proposal gifts (as I did for them).

I’d really welcome your thoughts here!

YANBU - asking by text is fine!
YABU - it’s too impersonal, you need to discuss face to face.

OP posts:
NoTouch · 15/11/2023 21:19

Asking your best friend to be your bridesmaid is supposed to be the special moment, it should be enough without a twee gift. The gift actually distracts from and diminishes the important stuff. It sends a signal that you are trying to buy them, or feel you need to dress it up, as just asking to be your bridesmaid isn't good enough alone.

These people who promote this nonsense really do play to peoples insecurities.

OP you really need to give your head a wobble on what is important before your budget for the wedding is blown on blossom trees, expensive favours noone cares about and end up in the bin, and lots of LED lit shit.

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 15/11/2023 21:28

PictureOfFlorianTray · 15/11/2023 20:52

Bridesmaid proposal gifts????!!!!?????
Christ on a bike.

Just ask the people who you want as bridesmaids and leave it at that.
Your friend probably isn't expecting a request.

Bloody hell.

Agree!!

I can't see an issue OP if she is not in the same social group or status, for example 3 sisters or 3 old school friends. Personally I'd text ask for a good time to call and ask over the phone but a text is fine. I would hate a proposal gift and face to face if I wasn't sure about saying yes, it's huge pressure. Your bridesmaids must have very little to be worrying about if this is an issue.

fruitbrewhaha · 15/11/2023 21:30

Why wouldn’t you phone her?

dhworry · 15/11/2023 21:47

I'd ask face to face and see what she says. If she seems reluctant reassure her there's no pressure

Jewelanemone · 15/11/2023 21:49

Hilarious 🤣

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/11/2023 21:51

Here’s a thought. Just have two bridesmaids. Jobs already a good un. Saves you a ‘proposal gift’ too ..(seriously who came up with that one - oh I know - gift companies…. snigger)

PirateQueeny · 15/11/2023 21:56

Personally, I’d be fine with either. On a side note, when did bridesmaid proposal gifts become a thing? What did you give them?

bluebeardswife7 · 15/11/2023 22:12

Sadly I have never been a bridesmaid or a bride and only been to 3 weddings in my <cough> many years, but I should imagine a bridesmaid proposal gift would be a bit of jewellery. The important question is, do you go down on one knee??

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/11/2023 00:15

I asked my friend to be godmother by text too so as not to over whelm her. You know your friend by

JudgeJ · 16/11/2023 00:22

bluebeardswife7 · 15/11/2023 22:12

Sadly I have never been a bridesmaid or a bride and only been to 3 weddings in my <cough> many years, but I should imagine a bridesmaid proposal gift would be a bit of jewellery. The important question is, do you go down on one knee??

Do they get this gift in addition to or instead of a gift at the wedding or does that not happen with adult bridesmaids?

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 16/11/2023 02:59

HanSB · 15/11/2023 17:35

If you usually text her then I think texting will give her the space to think about it and refuse if she doesn't want to. Asking in person might put her on the spot a bit and push her into making a choice she might not have decided on otherwise.

I agree. Putting someone who might not want to do something on the spot can be awkward, and if it were me I would be happier with a text so I could think about it before replying.

POTC · 16/11/2023 03:05

@Townhalls I think your plan is a lovely one. You're being really thoughtful and considerate of her as an individual rather than just assuming one size fits all.

LemonCurd1 · 16/11/2023 03:27

Just no to the BM proposal gift!! What a load of tosh!

Maddy70 · 16/11/2023 04:23

Just ask her. Stop pussy footing around.

A single text saying het I

Love you to be bridesmaid for me. If it is not your thing I totally understand so no pressure. Xxx

Birdcar · 16/11/2023 04:29

You'd think you were asking her to donate a kidney.

People have lost the run of themselves with weddings.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 16/11/2023 04:38

I've never heard of a bridesmaid gift, let alone it called a proposal. Personally I'd prefer a text and some time to think. I voted YABU because this is way too much drama ove bridesmaids and gifts and proposals are completely over the top. Why can't people just ask anymore?

HoppingPavlova · 16/11/2023 04:41

I should do it face to face with a bridesmaid proposal gifts

Just when you think no more ridiculous shite can be pumped into life events, you can be proven wrong.

MeinKraft · 16/11/2023 04:47

First time I've heard of bridesmaid proposal gifts and 'bridesmaid boxes'

There is no occasion apparently that can't be improved by giving a load of tat in a box!

Stopsnowing · 16/11/2023 04:55

The issue isn’t text or not the issue is you clearly don’t know her well enough to be able to know how to approach it with her and therefore I don’t think it sounds like she should be your bm

PaminaMozart · 16/11/2023 05:00

This ^

justanothermanicmonday1 · 16/11/2023 05:21

Stopsnowing · 16/11/2023 04:55

The issue isn’t text or not the issue is you clearly don’t know her well enough to be able to know how to approach it with her and therefore I don’t think it sounds like she should be your bm

This all day long 👏

If it was me I would just have the two bridesmaids.

meatbaseddessert · 16/11/2023 05:32

Youremylobster87 · 15/11/2023 20:35

For those who are unaware, bridesmaid "proposal" gifts are a thing. It's a box or gift you open that says something along the lines of "will you be my bridesmaid", along with different items e.g. jewellery, photos, pamper items. Doesn't have to be expensive and they've been about for years.
If I were you, I'd send the text and then if she says yes give her the gift 😊

Edited

'Pamper items'. Hate that word 'pamper'. When I try to envisage it, it just seems like a very slow wash.

Birdcar · 16/11/2023 05:37

So basically it's a box of things that will end up in landfill but you have to act excited about.

AtomicPumpkin · 16/11/2023 05:49

MeinKraft · 16/11/2023 04:47

First time I've heard of bridesmaid proposal gifts and 'bridesmaid boxes'

There is no occasion apparently that can't be improved by giving a load of tat in a box!

You're not wrong. And I suppose there is a whole complicated etiquette for the situation where a bridesmaid accepts the proposal, accepts the gift and later on decides to withdraw.

FaiIureToLunch · 16/11/2023 06:09

Oh god just pick up the phone

bridesmaid proposal gifts indeed 😂😂😂