'I do all these things AND work FT'

[Bumpitybumper]

I see this on Mumsnet a lot but have just experienced it in real life. I have two friends (A&B). Friend A is a SAHM to school age kids and Friend B works FT in quite a stressful job. Friend B was just lamenting that they don't understand how Friend A fills her time as she manages to work FT AND do everything Friend A does.

The thing is, Friend B has a much smaller (yet lovely) house that is pretty chaotic in fun energetic way. It is never the tidiest or cleanest but it's not disgusting either. Friend A on the other hand has a much bigger house that is pretty immaculate most of the time. Friend A does all the school runs and volunteers at school. Friend B needs wraparound care in order to get to work so drops her kids of at 8 and collects around 17:30. Friend A cooks amazing meals for her family, has her children's friends round for fun playdates and activities and is generally incredibly on top of everything. Friend B is understandably more stretched and isn't in the position to cook lavish meals every day of the week or have friends round when she's at work. Friend B's husband does a lot (of course absolutely fair and right) so she doesn't have to attend every parents evening, sew all the badges for extracurricular clubs or assist with all the homework etc. Friend A does pretty much all of that as husband works such long hours.

I actually think both are amazing and very productive people that channel their energy, time and talent in different channels. I just struggle to understand though how Friend B can't appreciate that she isn't doing the same as Friend A or at least doing it to the same standard. Before people suggest I'm Friend A, I have my own business so don't really fit in either camp but used to be a SAHM so I guess can see Friend A's efforts more.

AIBU to think that Friend B is a bit deluded?

@SouthLondonMum22 totally agree. Shopping, prepping and cooking good food really isn't a huge deal, certainly compared to yesteryear when shopping meant trailing round butcher, grocer etc and lack of the many time saving gadgets we have now.

I'm not claiming to be a great cook but we have our shopping delivered, I top up from market and a few little shops here and there and dh and I cook healthy meals from scratch - it honestly doesn't take masses of time.

I've no kids and could easily fill my time if not working. I'd still struggle to do everything I'd like to.

How I see it is that there are things that must get done on one end of the scale, and things that really make very little difference on the other end. If friend B is trying to make sure kids are fed, dentist appointment booked and house not falling down, maybe she didn't want to hear friend A describing how busy she is alphabetising her spice drawer? Doesn't mean A is not kept busy doing all that.

I have kids but could definitely fill my days without kids or work. And not by cleaning - although I do love cooking. If money was no object - and I mean millions and millions - and it was my money and not my husband’s, I wouldn’t work. I’d probably use my skills and former employment though and channel that into something voluntary some of the time.

Slightly off topic but I'd have been terrified sending my kids on play dates to a totally immaculate house

This is dismissive and devaluing being a good cook.

Not really- spending ages on something doesn't mean you're any better of a cook than someone who makes quick, delicious, healthy and balanced meals. If someone enjoys cooking and likes to spend time on it thats fine, but being serious plenty of nice meals can be made by a decent cook quickly.

This is dismissive and devaluing being a good cook.

That's total nonsense in fairness

I actually fundamental disagree with your underlying premise that 'being organised often comes from being time poor'. In my experience, you're either an efficient and organised person or not. Sure, you can take things at a more leisurely pace if you have more time but an organised person will always approach a task in an organised way. A naturally disorganised and inefficient person doesn't usually become super efficient and organised just because they have a lot on. In my experience this type of person just gets overwhelmed by all there is to do and lives quite chaotically. Things are forgotten or simply not done and they are often rushing around doing things really inefficiently because they have left things until the last minute.

I believe both A and B are naturally organised and efficient people. They approach what they do methodically and do things quickly. Both for example get their shopping delivered and use technology well to automate things where possible.

I believe both A and B are naturally organised and efficient people. They approach what they do methodically and do things quickly. Both for example get their shopping delivered and use technology well to automate things where possible.

I don't mean to be a cow, or perhaps just a little bit of one, but how riveting are your conversations if you know whether or not your friends get their food shopping delivered? I'd so dump mine if they attempted to talk to me about crap like that.

Eh? You don't have to chat about how you get your shopping to know people get deliveries. My best mate gets deliveries, I know this simply because I've arrived to hers as the Tesco van is pulling away, or we've been chatting on the phone and she'll say "sorry, can I call you back in 10.minites? My Tesco shop just arrived" Plenty of reasons you'd know something like this without it being an actual topic of conversation. There's no need to be so patronising.

I've never once had an actual conversation with a friend about food shopping. And yet, in the last week I've heard off them:
"Got to run, the Asda delivery is on its way and I was late last week "
"I'll be back around 4, got to grab some butter, Tesco didn't deliver it"
"Ah shit, that's just reminded me I forgot to add cream to my shop and it's coming tonight".

@RantyAnty making good food does not have to be time consuming. I’d argue that it actually takes more skill to prepare nutritious tasty food in a time efficient way.

I have a friend that’s just like this, she doesn’t understand why I would become a SAHM with ND DS who refuses clubs and a job that required me to be in the office constantly.

If I had a job I loved that gave some degree of flexibility (and paid enough for a nanny) I’d be right there with her.

There is also more to life than being the best at scrubbing a toilet and sewing on Brownies badges. I do a job that actually matters to wider society.

There have been so many posts on here saying they are better, do the same and more than the sahm (not just equal and different) and then go on about how selfish sahm are for not working.

Good for you. There is ‘more’ to life depending on someone’s beliefs. Still acting as if your way is better. Looking after your kids and own home can also matter. Are we now going to discuss which careers are more important?

As rude and reductionist as one saying they “don’t want a nanny bringing up their children.”

I wasn’t the initial person who you replied to so I’m not sure exactly what you are talking about. I’d hate my life to be measured by how much my house sparkled. I’ve never looked back on dead relatives, fondly reminiscing about their perfectly folded napkins.

It was a direct response to “there is more to life than work” - I work full time and there is certainly more to my life than work, despite my work being measurably valuable to society. Parenting my children, for one.

What job do you do, @SisterHyster?

Why does it matter? One that there is a massive recruitment crisis in.

It matters, because you keep telling us how valuable it is. Valuable things that are of huge importance to society matter.

I am a teacher of a STEM subject in a deprived area.

So are tge jobs that aren't seen as particularly valuable to society, more valuable than being a sahm?