'I do all these things AND work FT'

[Bumpitybumper]

I see this on Mumsnet a lot but have just experienced it in real life. I have two friends (A&B). Friend A is a SAHM to school age kids and Friend B works FT in quite a stressful job. Friend B was just lamenting that they don't understand how Friend A fills her time as she manages to work FT AND do everything Friend A does.

The thing is, Friend B has a much smaller (yet lovely) house that is pretty chaotic in fun energetic way. It is never the tidiest or cleanest but it's not disgusting either. Friend A on the other hand has a much bigger house that is pretty immaculate most of the time. Friend A does all the school runs and volunteers at school. Friend B needs wraparound care in order to get to work so drops her kids of at 8 and collects around 17:30. Friend A cooks amazing meals for her family, has her children's friends round for fun playdates and activities and is generally incredibly on top of everything. Friend B is understandably more stretched and isn't in the position to cook lavish meals every day of the week or have friends round when she's at work. Friend B's husband does a lot (of course absolutely fair and right) so she doesn't have to attend every parents evening, sew all the badges for extracurricular clubs or assist with all the homework etc. Friend A does pretty much all of that as husband works such long hours.

I actually think both are amazing and very productive people that channel their energy, time and talent in different channels. I just struggle to understand though how Friend B can't appreciate that she isn't doing the same as Friend A or at least doing it to the same standard. Before people suggest I'm Friend A, I have my own business so don't really fit in either camp but used to be a SAHM so I guess can see Friend A's efforts more.

AIBU to think that Friend B is a bit deluded?

Although as 'friend A' and 'friend B' exist only in the OP's imagination, none of it really matters

I know what A is up too , I live in an area where dads work offshore and SAHM are the norm . Offensive is actually comparing both as if they were comparable .

I don't. Tomorrow I'm doing a run to the pharmacy, then packing eldest's bag for camp and mine for a weekend of volunteering away. Which will involve doing some washing and washing up. I'll try and squeeze in some Uni work and I will try and give the bathroom a clean.

And I SAHMing wrong? Will I get the sack for doing more than one task a day??

I agree with what you're saying Op. Friend B definitely sound very judgemental. To be honest this thread as a whole is very judgemental. Why can't we just support each others choices as women. There is nothing wrong with being a SAHM if that is what works for your family. Equally there is nothing wrong with working full time if that is what works for your family. Why do us women feel the need to put each other down. Everybody's different and what works for one person (and family) doesn't work for another and that's fine. As long as us as Mum's we are doing our best for our children that is all that matters.

I am friend B and I have a close friend A. Honestly we don't judge each other. I love her and I'm happy that she is living the life that she wants. I understand that I don't do everything that she does, and she understands that she has less competing demands on her time. I think we don't feel weird about it because we don't tie our entire personhood to work or motherhood. We are both fully dimensional people. In a few years I might have another baby and she will go back to work after her kids go to school, so we might end up reversed roles - she will be as good as me when it comes to work and children, but I will not be as good as her when it comes to being a SAHM to two kids!

But B is deluded, or just bitchy, to “wonder how A fills her time.” It’s perfectly obvious how she is filling her time if her house is immaculate, her meals lavish, she keeps hosting playdates, keeps on top of all household admin and volunteers at the school. Perhaps B shouldn’t act faux-innocent if she doesn’t want to be seen as deluded.

Personally, even if I had the time, I would not be spending it keeping my house immaculate, or cooking lavish meals, or filing my household paperwork away neatly, because I do not enjoy doing those things, but I have a couple of friends who describe doing housework as something they genuinely enjoy which enables them to switch off while doing it and feel relaxed and happy when it is done, and who love to cook, so each to their own - it is enviable to get pleasure out of things you have to do, regardless. Friend A is very good at what she does and possibly a bit of a perfectionist by personality, and friend B is a ball of energy and fun who packs a lot into her life and focuses on very different things to friend A. The only unlikeable thing about either of them is B’s denigration of Al

(Or A even - not sure what she thinks of AI 😂)

Remember though: friend A and B ain't real!

@AmazingSnakeHead I think we don't feel weird about it because we don't tie our entire personhood to work or motherhood.

This is interesting and reminds of those whose entire identity becomes ‘breastfeeding mother’ then they want to spread their ‘journey’ a little too overzealously. I think this might be why I’m fairly ambivalent when it comes to this debate which has been done to absolute death. I do however think it’s an important one so fair enough if it stops even one more woman from becoming a SAHM for the entirety of their children’s childhood and adolescence and, crucially, regretting it.

I have been accused of being overly invested in A and B but you seem to have posted four times insisting that I've made the whole thing up. This is the internet, for all you know even I could be an AI bot and not exist at all. It becomes tiresome when we start accusing everyone of being a troll or making pretty mundane stuff up because it doesn't suit our narrative or we don't like what they're saying. I don't know if the people who say they have 'Big Jobs' actually have paper rounds or the ones who claim to have immaculate houses actually live in a pigs stys. To be honest, does it really matter to me either way anyway?

The fact you keep coming back to this thread posting the same thing over and over again just comes across as a deliberate attempt to shut down and undermine an interesting discussion. Don't worry we all know already you don't think A and B are real so you don't need to spam the thread anymore.

In a world where C exists who wasn't necessarily a slob but perhaps not a domestic goddess and didn't do any additional childcare etc then I would have no problem with B saying she did the same as C and worked FT. This would be factually true. I actually do know some SAHMs who you could say this about.

I suppose I view A as quite exceptional in terms of how she runs her family and house ('best in class' or however you want to phrase it). I was a SAHM and couldn't get close to her even with my DH doing a lot more than her DH. Perhaps that says a lot about me, I'm not sure. Now I would say I have had to let my standards slide further as I simply don't have time for some of the lovely 'extras'. I do understand what you mean that from a headline perspective I too am feeding the kids, taking them to the dentist and have a relatively clean house BUT I can't shake the feeling that I would be deluded to say that I do all that A does and work. Maybe it's just that I value the extras more than some other people on this thread and B. Horses for courses and all that ..

'Best in class' at 'running her family'?
I'm not even sure what that's supposed to mean!

It’s what they say about prizewinning dogs at Crufts and the like — it means that said dog has been judged as the best in its class according to the breed’s criteria for correct breeding (tail carried the right height, lips the right colour, coat of the right shades, texture etc).

It suggests the OP thinks there are ‘objective criteria’ for being a good mother, which is clearly utter nonsense, or that in her head, doing your own cleaning, Guide badge sewing and school runs etc is some kind of slam dunk of good motherhood.

But what are the things A does? Husband and I work about 80 hours per week between us. Kids in wraparound for only 6 hours per week. We do everything that SAHMs do and work.

Maybe it’s that A does all those things with good grace and is also a genuinely kind, thoughtful person who doesn’t make snide comments about other people’s lives and efforts, so the OP thinks she is worth defending.

It is so frustrating that people insist on bolting on their own quite nasty narrative to my posts. It really does say more about you than me. I haven't said A is a better mother or that everything she does was necessarily even related to the motherhood. I think this is where all the anger and emotion is coming from but it isn't simply something that I'm saying or implying.

A lot of what she does is housekeeping. Things that could be done with or without children. Some people employ housekeepers and in those situations the employer would absolutely differentiate between housekeepers that were broadly 'keeping on top of things' and those who ran a very tight ship and kept an immaculate house. People feign ignorance, but nobody would be happy to pay the former kind of housekeeper the same as the latter.

A does what she does very well. This doesn't make her a better mother than any of the rest of us.

Every SAHM I know has multiple children, pets, busy lives and, most definitely, CLEANERS!

@Hobbitfeet32 apparently A cooks 'lavish meals', sews on all the extra curricular badges and can host play dates every day of the week because she doesn't have a job.

Whereas B has a dh who shares things like sewing on badges, cooking dinner and does play dates when she isn't working.

I'm still a bit baffled by the 'lavish meals.' I mean, dh and I have always cooked healthy meals from scratch as well as working. I'm not sure how a lavish meal is better, or even what it means. Caviar followed by wagyu beef? Served on fine china with silver cutlery?

It's a strange metric to use for judging quality of family life isn't it?

I'm a SAHM with teens in and out and it's Deliveroo all the way, frankly.

What is strange is to think the OP is judging quality of family life and assessing A’s as superior to B’s, rather than just different. She has made it patently clear she thinks both A and B are good parents. Clearly A’s standards of housekeeping and cooking are so exceptional, however, that she could charge quite a lot for her services if she offered them to other people, and she makes it seem effortless. Even with all the time in the world, most people would not be able to do what A does as well as she does, even if they wanted to. It’s not as if people don’t recognise superior culinary or cleaning skills when they have to fork out for them. And would anyone argue with a Michelin starred chef that they cook, too, so what’s all the fuss about?

I think people just need to think about what they say, and who they say it to. Read the room.

I'm a single parent, two teens, work 50 hours and have no support. Like, there's no one to even collect a child from somewhere if I'm stuck. I've a single friend with no dependents, works 30 hours on an office job at home and moans at me all the time about how busy and tired she is...

I feel like this is a wider issue. Why do women need to be scrutinised for how they spend their time? Plus women do this to other women so it is not just a misogyny thing. Additionally why do they have to prove their value by being busy and doing things? If someone has the means to spend their days doing very little then cool that’s their choice. Good on them.

Well, B should have thought of that before she opened her mouth and wondered out loud what A is doing with her time.

So from the OP's latest post, being a parent is totally irrelevant. Friend A has superior culinary and cleaning skills compared to Friend B. So presumably this was the case before either of them had children. Friend A has always prided herself on keeping her house immaculate etc. Friend B has a clean and comfortable house but not immaculate.

I wonder if the OP would even have bothered creating a thread about this before they became parents? Would it still have been such a concern when neither A or B had kids ; would it have been worth creating a whole thread about A being a better housekeeper/ cook than B?

There's a strong scent of faux innocence here, trying to make out this thread wasn't intended to stir the pot!!

A is clearly a very lucky person and also a very competent person. This doesn’t make her a better mother, but that doesn’t take away from her obvious abilities.