'I do all these things AND work FT'

[Bumpitybumper]

I see this on Mumsnet a lot but have just experienced it in real life. I have two friends (A&B). Friend A is a SAHM to school age kids and Friend B works FT in quite a stressful job. Friend B was just lamenting that they don't understand how Friend A fills her time as she manages to work FT AND do everything Friend A does.

The thing is, Friend B has a much smaller (yet lovely) house that is pretty chaotic in fun energetic way. It is never the tidiest or cleanest but it's not disgusting either. Friend A on the other hand has a much bigger house that is pretty immaculate most of the time. Friend A does all the school runs and volunteers at school. Friend B needs wraparound care in order to get to work so drops her kids of at 8 and collects around 17:30. Friend A cooks amazing meals for her family, has her children's friends round for fun playdates and activities and is generally incredibly on top of everything. Friend B is understandably more stretched and isn't in the position to cook lavish meals every day of the week or have friends round when she's at work. Friend B's husband does a lot (of course absolutely fair and right) so she doesn't have to attend every parents evening, sew all the badges for extracurricular clubs or assist with all the homework etc. Friend A does pretty much all of that as husband works such long hours.

I actually think both are amazing and very productive people that channel their energy, time and talent in different channels. I just struggle to understand though how Friend B can't appreciate that she isn't doing the same as Friend A or at least doing it to the same standard. Before people suggest I'm Friend A, I have my own business so don't really fit in either camp but used to be a SAHM so I guess can see Friend A's efforts more.

AIBU to think that Friend B is a bit deluded?

I work full time. Why this weird assumption I am talking about myself? And what I said it makes perfect sense - if you use terms like “grunt work,” you clearly wish to demean those who do it, whether paid or not, so would hardly think they are having fun, or could actually afford to outsource their own “grunt work” just so as to be able to do other people’s, instead.

This. Basics.

These threads just drone on with everyone talking at cross purposes. It all reads like a litany of insecurity. So pointless.

Did you ask why she is thinking that? Where did it come from?

I'm a friend B and the only reason I would ever think like this is when I have some friend A's telling me how busy they are staying at home. This can be hard to relate to when I've just done a 60 hour week and all the swimming and gymnastics runs and the housework.I absolutely support people's frights to choose to stay at home and everyone has different circumstances but we all know people who like to go on about how busy they are when it's very questionable.

@janetjupiter Yeap, you have to ask why @Bumpitybumper felt the need to start it...

I did not use the term “grunt work”. Go insult someone else. Or read properly.

You didn’t make sense and were moaning at someone who employs help.

Work doesn’t have to be fun. How odd to try and claim that. It’s work, not a party.

Oh, you’re one of those people who thinks one should the word one so as to get around their inability to comprehend that the word you is an acceptable, more modern alternative. You know perfectly well who used the term “grunt work” if you have read all the comments yourself, @Meowandthen.

I'd love to know what a 'lavish' meal is and why it's beneficial for family with small children to have one every day.

Oh dear. Like I said, go and pick a fight with someone who gives a damn what you think.

Your writing is rather poor but I suspect it goes with that chip on your shoulder.

Oh dear, oh dear. You are a bit of a bitch, aren’t you, @Meowandthen.

Haha. Immediately made me think of lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and a fried egg on top, and spam.

It sounded nice until you got to the spam.

Imvho, the biggest difference between men and women is men are far more likely only to do what they are willing to do in life. It’s women who goad each other into doing things they never wanted to do to in the first place, so men don’t even have to get involved, they just leave women to force each other to do all the work. Just leave other women to do what they want to do and stop “wondering how on earth they fill their time.”

I used to work FT and we weren't living the life we wanted. Everything was getting done but we were constantly rushing and stressing, eating badly and cutting corners with everything.

I'm now PT. I spend one of my two days off batch cooking so we have healthier meals and home cooked food. We're much more sociable as the house isn't always a bomb site and we're more on top of things and able to be spontanious. Everyone in our house benefits from this. I also volunteer once a week and now feel like a part of the community we live in.

It's not the life everyone would want. My careers takes a back seat and my pension will take a hit. It would be more cost effective to get someone else to keep the house while I go to work. The kids are happy in after school clubs on the days i work but it's just a different life choice which works for us.

Whatever you do, you manage to fill your day. One difference I have noticed between working mothers and SAHMs is working mothers are always juggling, and never do anything by itselfthey pick up the dry cleaning on the way home from school, for example. SAHM have isolated tasksa SAHM has a laundry day, or a day she vacuums and does the bathrooms, while the working mother fits it around other tasks.
I was a full time working mother, and now work.part time. You fill the day whatever you do. But it was a lot easier when I was (briefly) a SAHM.

Hmm socialising? Limited what you can do with a baby in tow. A night clubbing? Quiz nights? Boozy lunches in upmarket wine bar? Or just a coffee at lunchtime and walk in rhe Park?

I work full time in a corporate job 36hrs a week plus 2 days of a long commute
I do volunteer at rainbows (but not at school) I do almost all the cooking (I'd say 4 days a week and dp does 2 days and we have 1 quick tea day usually a takeaway or food out and about)
have a 4 bed detached house which is pretty tidy some would say pretty immaculate in fairness but it's not utterly spotless or anything we just keep on top of things mostly but my partner does his fair share of cleaning he is in education so no holiday care but we do have breakfast club 2-3 days a week and I will do work whilst day she's in her swim class or whatever and mop up bits after bedtime
flexible working on both parts combined with remote working 3 days for me make this work
no cleaner
no nanny
zero family close by for reliable childcare
i would fully say I do all the stuff mum a does and a full time job however some of her standards is precisely because she has extra time I genuinely believe once all the kids are at school it is easier to be a sahm and I'm unapologetic about that having from 9-3 everyday to cook, shop at quiet times, and clean the house whilst maybe having time for a gym run or workout most days does sound blissful to someone who does a tesco run once a week at 9pm after bedtime 🤣! But it doesn't mean it's easy or that it's less valuable but it's not quite the same juggle and prioritizing it just can't be the same lived experience. Not to mention during covid when we working mums worked full time, had kids with no school, did home school etc, and still performed at work it's a miracle But then obviously when kids are all home all the time it is intense and to maintain the same standards of clean is more work etc and it must be demotivating

I think the issue is you've moved the goal posts.

B said "I do everything A does and have a full time job"

You've moved this to "I do everything A does to the same standard and have a full time job"

B might consider that she and A are both married with children, both families have to get their children to school, to the dentist, to be there when they are sick, to make sure everyone is fed and the house is cleaned. They both do all of these things but B also has a full time job. The broad "everything we need to do" - care, housework, admin etc.

The fact that A chooses (because she has the time / inclination) to keep her house immaculate or cook lavish meals is neither here nor there. A could also choose not to do this. A could keep her house the same as Bs and live on ready meals if she wanted. That bit is optional not needs.

If you had another friend "C" who was a SAHM but also a bit of a slob and a terrible cook would you feel OK about B saying she does everything C does?

I don't think B does have a responsibility to say "I do everything A does but I don't do it as well and I have a full time job" that would be an odd ask of anyone. She might acknowledge outside that statement that A keeps her home very nice or is a great cook, she might say she wished she had the time to do that.

Being a SAHM can be great, really rewarding and important for some families but it doesn't come with any additional jobs that other parents don't have, just means you are likely to use less childcare.

How does one ‘mute’ a thread please? Asking for myself. 😁

This thread is exactly what is wrong with society. It pits SAHM against WM and everyone fights for a way to one up the other. Each role is valuable in different ways to society as well as our families. Women making other women feel small for doing one or the other is just really s##t in my opinion. No one is any better or less than just because you stay at home or go to work, there is advantages and disadvantages in both roles.
It is not a competition!

Not everything is a competition and it doesn't surprise me that B is in a stressfull job and also trying to do everything else, the typical busy busy I am busier than you type, I very much dislike the sort.

Since when is full time work only 9-5. At least 40% of jobs are not in that category. For example nurses/ dovtors/ care workers warehouse workers hospitality workers etc etc are not 9-5. That's thousands and thousands of workers that work full time

@RadRad if B really exists!

The OP sounds incredibly fake .... I mean, seriously, who creates a whole thread out of 'concern' that a friend has mentioned that she does what another friend does and goes to work as well.

I call BS. It's a poorly disguised attempt to undermine WOHM by implying that they can't possibly be quite as incredible as SAHM

You see, I find that a weird interpretation, as it is not remotely obvious to me that the OP wants us to admire an immaculate house, lavish meals and husband who works long hours more than a chaotic but fun and energetic house and a husband who does a lot. They just sound very different.

It's very obvious- the OP 'struggles to understand' how B can possibly think she's doing all the things A can. She calls B 'deluded.'