'I do all these things AND work FT'

[Bumpitybumper]

I see this on Mumsnet a lot but have just experienced it in real life. I have two friends (A&B). Friend A is a SAHM to school age kids and Friend B works FT in quite a stressful job. Friend B was just lamenting that they don't understand how Friend A fills her time as she manages to work FT AND do everything Friend A does.

The thing is, Friend B has a much smaller (yet lovely) house that is pretty chaotic in fun energetic way. It is never the tidiest or cleanest but it's not disgusting either. Friend A on the other hand has a much bigger house that is pretty immaculate most of the time. Friend A does all the school runs and volunteers at school. Friend B needs wraparound care in order to get to work so drops her kids of at 8 and collects around 17:30. Friend A cooks amazing meals for her family, has her children's friends round for fun playdates and activities and is generally incredibly on top of everything. Friend B is understandably more stretched and isn't in the position to cook lavish meals every day of the week or have friends round when she's at work. Friend B's husband does a lot (of course absolutely fair and right) so she doesn't have to attend every parents evening, sew all the badges for extracurricular clubs or assist with all the homework etc. Friend A does pretty much all of that as husband works such long hours.

I actually think both are amazing and very productive people that channel their energy, time and talent in different channels. I just struggle to understand though how Friend B can't appreciate that she isn't doing the same as Friend A or at least doing it to the same standard. Before people suggest I'm Friend A, I have my own business so don't really fit in either camp but used to be a SAHM so I guess can see Friend A's efforts more.

AIBU to think that Friend B is a bit deluded?

It’s not a bloody competition

How is Friend A doing more? Her kids are at school most of the day. They both still feed their kids, read with them, cuddle them, chat to them, run a house etc etc
But friend B also holds down a job.
I would be a B. My husband drops off the kids at school every day, so they are with a parent until 9am. I pick them up at 4pm every day, after their clubs, which any kid goes to, no matter what their parents do.
We don't use childcare during holidays. We read with our kids every night. We don't cook amazing meals every night but we do eat healthily. Nothing to do with work, it's because the kids are out doing hobbies.
If I didn't work, I might do a bit more housework, but not more overall.

Working doesn't necessarily mean you can't pick up your children from school either, it totally depends.

A reason why we didn't have kids until we were both in senior roles is because in our sector, it comes with more flexibility which means we largely control our own diaries and one of us can almost always pick up our son early from nursery. By the time he's in school, it will be the same too.

Your jumper example is a good one. I have no problem with you saying that you have provided a jumper for your child the same as your friend. I would just expect you to acknowledge if asked that their jumper was handmade and took more time and effort. I wouldn't expect you to think this made the jumper better, more valuable or more fit for purpose. In the case of the wraparound care, I think this is the same as allowing someone else lend your child a jumper for a while. Again, your child still has a jumper but it's not the same as you making one for them yourself and will be different than the handmade jumper.

You do seem to be suggesting that a handmade jumper is preferable, but most children would prefer a jumper bought from a shop, and for many teenagers being made to wear something your mum made would be mortifying!

I’m friend C I do all school runs , cleaning , cooking and childcare and still have a FT job . With all due respect but those extra curricular activities are not needs but hobbies , nobody needs to belong to the PTA or sew badges for anyone but their own kids after school . Comparing a stressful job with cleaning a home and cooking lavish meals daily ( whatever that is as most working mums still cook meals daily ) is honestly offensive !
so yes I’m not it’s friend B . Friend A has an easy life in comparison and I would definitely appreciate the effort mum B does .

So glad he can take 6w off, that will be a help I'm sure, especially if you need to recover (I hope you have a smooth and easy birth obviously!) It's more generous than average employers but I still think the norm should be more pat leave, to benefit the whole family.

Dh was very lucky to be offered 6mo off with dd and 5mo off when dc2 is born next month. I'm hoping it's the way things are going, led by the tech companies - one of the dads at nursery was telling me he works for Meta (ie Facebook etc) and dads there get 4mo off. His and dh's both were full pay. No idea why tech companies are so ahead on this - maybe they've realised that it's the best way to retain their core employee demographic (generally 25-40yo men who might become new dads).

I think I've got those 6mo to thank for dh and me parenting pretty equally now. It's not that he's inherently good at that stuff - he just had almost as much practice as me in the first year

Apparently they cook lavish meals 🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂😂watever that means . I cook from scratch daily but unsure on what a lavish meal is ?

DH and I work for the same company and we are both pushing for better paternity options, hopefully it will change sooner rather than later.

Exactly. It's similar to what I was saying a few pages ago when someone claimed it's just that women are 'wired' to caring for children better than men when really, they just get more practice and have the expectation that they will be the default parent whilst the father just 'helps'.

There seems to be an assumption from some posters that SAHP’s spend more quality time with their kids and everyone benefits. My mum was a SAHM, our house was clean, nutritious meals were cooked, clean clothes provided, we were taught to read etc. In short all our needs were met but my God was she bad tempered with it all, she tried her best but we bloody bored/annoyed/frustrated her daft and although she tried to hide it, we knew. Cuddly and maternal she was not, my mum would definitely been happier working outside the home. We were loved but life was fraught as times with a mum who was clearly fed up with her life. I am talking 40 odd years ago. Be thankful if you have options.

Women judging each other is horrible and pointless. Work, don’t work, be chairman of the PTA, don’t, knit and sew all your kids clothes or don’t.

Seriously, we are all just doing our best. This sniping about working moms or SAHMs is completely pointless.

I can’t get het up over how other people live their lives. It’s not a busy-ness competition. Nobody gets to age 90 and receives a medal for working, or for staying home with their kids.

At the end of the day, families will choose the best option for them, whether that’s working to keep food on the table, working to maintain a career trajectory, staying at home to spend more time with the kids, staying at home to enjoy a more relaxed pace of life etc etc etc

I’ve been Friend A (minus the immaculate house and lavish meals!!) and Friend B (minus the judginess about how other people ‘fill their time’). I will say that as Friend A I had many working mums question what I did all day (none of your business!), but as Friend B no SAHMs asked if I felt guilty for not being with my baby. I realise Friend B in the OP didn’t actually say anything directly to Friend A, but I just wish everyone could live and let live!

If it stops just one woman sleepwalking into economic dependence under the delusion that she’s ‘lucky’ or ‘blessed’, then it’s worth the sniping.

Well, that’s not actually respectful, is it? It’s not the SAHM making silly comparisons, it’s the WOHM who made the comment about not understanding how A fills her time. Why this faux interest in “trying to understand” what on earth A is up to? That’s what’s offensive. Trying to understand, my eye.

Tbh it sounds like some people almost want the children of WOHP to grow up unhappy and maladjusted, in order to justify their own choice not to work! They must be really pissed when those kids grow up just as happy, secure and successful as their own.

I am friend B and work full time but am also a single parent. What do I win??

And vice versa.

I’d agree with this. It would be so nice to have all of those school days to just get everything done at home and not have to worry about money!
and every single school holiday covered. I’m not friend B totally but almost with how full on my job is even tho I am technically part time - I’d love to work less but sadly can’t.

Do you play the lottery? Maybe ask Mystic Meg.

Come back to me when you make this kind of comment about fathers….

What have fathers actually got to do with what a woman wants to do? What they can do, maybe, but not what they want to do.

pp was pointing out the double standards.

No one would comment that when it comes to a father working.

If you actually have money to do anything maybe. I can see it getting a bit stale if all you can afford is the park and library

My gut instinct is that B is feeling a bit defensive as she must know deep down she doesn’t do everything that A does in her home life (understandably because of working full time) and so consciously or subconsciously has gone on the offensive.
I’m somewhere between A and B as I work nearly full time, but long days so I have a day for the house, days with the kids. So no judgement - I just wonder if that’s the reason.

Some of have children with men who actually enjoy being with their kids, are hands on with them, are equally as capable as we are at caring for kids (and cooking dinner, doing the laundry) and don't pigeonhole themselves into being a sole earner. Just as we know we're as capable and skilled in the world of work as they are.

This makes no sense. You just seem rather bitter that some women have lives outside the home.

You crack on with cleaning your bathrooms if it makes you happy but not everyone wants your life.

I bet you have never bitched at father who works full time.