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Original poster

Incessant sex banter at work

115 replies

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 15/11/2023 11:42

It's not even funny the first time, never mind the same 'joke' being resurrected and commented on over and over again,

The office is a mix of men and women who I get on really well with, and it's one of the women who instigates most of it. Most of the time I really like her and she's even recently been to a hospital appointment with me on her day off as it was something a bit worrying. Anyway, she also has a very mischievous dirty side and she will challenge the men as to what they would do to another female colleague for a million pounds. The target of this is a larger lady, notoriously grumpy, who everyone takes the piss out of incessantly. The woman in question is off today so they've all got free rein. Today's examples are comments on her day off with the dog and a jar of peanut butter...and she is asking one of the other girls if she would have lesbian sex with her for a million. All the men roaring with laughter and encouraging more. Meanwhile, I am in the corner trying to get on with my work and a couple of them pipe up with, "well ask AlwaysTheGoodGirl if she'd do it, don't leave her out!" Oh, as well as "nobody ever asks Always if she's got any batteries lying around." Just stuff like that, pointing out that I'm too delicate for such talk. So not only am I sick to the back teeth of this banter, I get singled out and patronised for being too delicate.

I can't go to anyone, it's a small business and we all muck in together, and the boss is one of the instigators a lot of the time. Am I being over sensitive?

I also feel awful for the woman who is always the butt of the jokes. She doesn't deserve this much disrespect.

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 15/11/2023 11:45

Well it's no fucking wonder she's grumpy if this is how she is treated. Bullies. All of them. Some people never get past being vicious twats in the school playground.

Why the hell don't you tell them this is out of order and horrible and take it further!?! That poor woman, how dare she just try and go to work as normal and expect to be treated with respect.

RandomButtons · 15/11/2023 11:47

HR if you’ve got one otherwise I’d be job hunting. What a toxic environment.

Lelophants · 15/11/2023 11:48

This is so messed up. What do HR think? Sexual harassment

YoureALizardHarry11 · 15/11/2023 11:50

What a bunch of dickhead bullies. I’d be job hunting. They need to grow the fuck up.

InTheStars · 15/11/2023 11:51

This is absolutely awful. You're not over sensitive.

BringMeTea · 15/11/2023 11:52

This is truly dreadful. If no recourse to have it stopped I would leave asap. Yuk!

Original poster
AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 15/11/2023 11:52

There's no HR @RandomButtons @Lelophants

@OrlandointheWilderness I've been here 13 years (today actually!) and I love the job, and 90% of the time I like the people, but this comes up at some point pretty much every day and I just have to try and ignore it as much as possible. I don't want to have to move jobs for the sake of immature people.

I just wondered if this goes on in other work places?

OP posts:
neverbeenskiing · 15/11/2023 11:54

If you were to leave you might have a case for constructive dismissal at a Tribunal. It could be argued that the work environment is intolerable, especially as the Boss is "one of the instigators" of the bullying and sexually inappropriate behaviour and there is no identified person staff can go to for reporting issues.

Celticliving · 15/11/2023 11:54

I would be telling them to grow up and that nobody deserves to be treated that way.

I would be keeping a log, too. Just in case they decide to get rid of you for standing up to this behaviour.

ManateeFair · 15/11/2023 11:54

YANBU at all.

This kind of 'banter' isn't OK in the office. Nobody should be having explicit conversations about sex with colleagues in an office, and certainly not in relation to a another colleague. Expecting other people (ie you) to listen to that sort of sexually charged conversation when they find it upsetting is harassment, and making another colleague the target of it is absolutely inexcusable. It's bullying. Your colleagues sound absolutely horrible.

I'm sure people will immediately say 'Go to HR' but I'm assuming, if it's a small business, that this isn't an option. Who is the most senior person there? Are they aware of this behaviour, or do they ever witness it? Could you have a private word with them and explain that this sort of behaviour is happening and the impact it's having on you, and also the unpleasant targeting of people to not only be the butt of jokes, but also sexually explicit 'jokes'?

I used to work in an office where a particular group of three or four people would regularly be incredibly bitchy about a couple of other colleagues, and it made for a really, really toxic atmosphere. They also used to spread rumours about people (totally untrue ones) and generally made the office a very unpleasant environment for everyone but them. That was 20 years ago now, and I'd like to think it would be clamped down on now, but it seems like maybe not.

OrlandointheWilderness · 15/11/2023 11:56

If you don't put your head above the parapet every time this happens and say it's out of order then you are complicit. I'm sorry but imagine someone was treating someone you loved like that!

TrishIsMySpiritAnimal · 15/11/2023 11:58

Wow OP. How do you not end up stapling their lips together?! Vile people.

This is bullying. And be sure when you’re not there jokes are being made about you.

Id 100% be reporting this. Your poor colleague

TrishIsMySpiritAnimal · 15/11/2023 11:58

Sorry just seen you can’t go to anyone - is there a Board at all?

Luna42 · 15/11/2023 11:59

I'd be wondering what they said about me on my day off...actually I might say that to them "Is this how you talk about me when I'm not here?"
When they protest and say of course not, you can reply "Then I'm struggling to see how you all feel ok to talk about x in this way?"
Say it in a curious way, as if you are genuinely confused.
Be friendly when other subjects are discussed. Turn back to your work immediately when the chat gets offensive or you aren't comfortable. If anyone says you are delicate again, say that you have a very healthy sex life thank you but don't really get off on talking about other peoples at work!

TrishIsMySpiritAnimal · 15/11/2023 11:59

I just wondered if this goes on in other work places?

Yes but probably not since about 1992!

Inexcusable

ManateeFair · 15/11/2023 12:00

I just wondered if this goes on in other work places

It's certainly not the norm, no. There will be other workplaces where it happens, but it's wrong in those places just like it's wrong at yours.

If this happened in a larger company in 2023, it would absolutely not be tolerated. I work at a fairly large organisation in the not-for-profit sector and honestly if someone was talking like this in the office it would a disciplinary followed by dismissal. In fact, two managers were sacked four or five years ago for a much more mild offence than what you're describing (slightly gross comments about another colleague's appearance in a private chat group)

ElaineMBenes · 15/11/2023 12:00

I just wondered if this goes on in other work places?
No, people would lose their jobs.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 15/11/2023 12:02

No, this doesn’t generally happen in other work-places. I’m retired now but throughout my working life, employed by large international firms and small privately-owned businesses, I have never encountered such vile bullying. A bit of gentle joshing, some light-hearted double-entendre inferences is the most I’ve experienced. Don’t your work-colleagues ever get any actual work done ffs? Small firm with no HR department with the boss joining in is what gives these morons license. Despite your long service I’d be planning to get the hell out of there

CatOnTheCludgy · 15/11/2023 12:04

It definitely does not go on in other workplaces. It did 20 years ago, but thankfully we have moved on. It sounds like your company hasn't.
If there's no HR and it's only you not taking part in the bullying then I think you just have to look for another job to go to.
And tell them when you leave that that's why.

neverbeenskiing · 15/11/2023 12:05

I just wondered if this goes on in other work places?

This kind of behaviour, even as a one off, would have resulted in formal investigation and serious disciplinary action in any of the places I've worked, and I've had a lot of jobs!

Swimeveryday · 15/11/2023 12:06

I’d tell the woman of all their jokes to leave a recorder on when she is off. A few thousand in compensation might make them more respectable people.

Aguinnessplease · 15/11/2023 12:11

How would you wish your children to behave if confronted with others bullying a classmate? Exactly - it’s time to be brave and call it out. Chances are most of your colleagues don’t particularly enjoy joining in, more that they’re cowardly and do so because of good old peer pressure. Be the one who makes the difference. You’ll feel good afterwards.

RaspberrSeed · 15/11/2023 12:12

It does happen in other workplaces. Usually smaller businesses where the culture is created or allowed by the owner and there’s no scrutiny from a HR department. Still common in industries like construction and related services. It’s really hard to challenge if you are in the minority- it’s absolutely unacceptable without a doubt and your colleague could and should take action against the company.

in your shoes I’d say calmly that I’m not comfortable being unkind to someone else and won’t be joining in, would find another job and encourage your poor colleague to do the same.

Tinkerbyebye · 15/11/2023 12:14

ask them how they would feel if it was their family member being spoke. About in this way, their wife, daughter,sister etc

its totally unnecessary and does border on bullying. How mortifying for the person as the butt of the ‘jokez’

i would also say you don’t want to hear it, or join in with it, and it stops in your presence

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 15/11/2023 12:15

I'm in a male dominated industry and it happens very occasionally here but I soon shut it down.

Can't believe you've been there 13 years and listened to this every day and not said anything/not walked out

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