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Original poster

Incessant sex banter at work

115 replies

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 15/11/2023 11:42

It's not even funny the first time, never mind the same 'joke' being resurrected and commented on over and over again,

The office is a mix of men and women who I get on really well with, and it's one of the women who instigates most of it. Most of the time I really like her and she's even recently been to a hospital appointment with me on her day off as it was something a bit worrying. Anyway, she also has a very mischievous dirty side and she will challenge the men as to what they would do to another female colleague for a million pounds. The target of this is a larger lady, notoriously grumpy, who everyone takes the piss out of incessantly. The woman in question is off today so they've all got free rein. Today's examples are comments on her day off with the dog and a jar of peanut butter...and she is asking one of the other girls if she would have lesbian sex with her for a million. All the men roaring with laughter and encouraging more. Meanwhile, I am in the corner trying to get on with my work and a couple of them pipe up with, "well ask AlwaysTheGoodGirl if she'd do it, don't leave her out!" Oh, as well as "nobody ever asks Always if she's got any batteries lying around." Just stuff like that, pointing out that I'm too delicate for such talk. So not only am I sick to the back teeth of this banter, I get singled out and patronised for being too delicate.

I can't go to anyone, it's a small business and we all muck in together, and the boss is one of the instigators a lot of the time. Am I being over sensitive?

I also feel awful for the woman who is always the butt of the jokes. She doesn't deserve this much disrespect.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 15/11/2023 23:09

It's very hard to put all of this into context without being in my workplace for several years. Not to justify her treatment by any means, but she's no shrinking violet. Several people over the years have left directly because of her treatment of them. She's even left me stranded at work in the dark on my own after refusing to give me a lift home as my car was in for repairs, and docked my wages for going home one day following a bereavement, when she told me herself to go and take a couple of days to sort things out. Again, this is not to say she deserves the treatment she gets whatsoever. I'm just trying to explain my workplace, which sounds madder by the minute. I just wish they'd stop with the disgusting comments.

Again, yes it is up to me to speak up, but then ultimately I probably have to leave my job. I need my job and I'm good at it. I don't want to be driven out.

OP posts:
category12 · 15/11/2023 23:15

Look for another job.

I know it's hard to start job-seeking, but there's no telling when they might turn on you anyway.

I think it's likely to get worse as a work environment the longer people get away with this stuff - it already has gone up a notch, and just the acceptance of such behaviour just encourages worse.

I wouldn't count on being able to stay if you don't speak up.

uhOhOP · 15/11/2023 23:22

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 15/11/2023 23:09

It's very hard to put all of this into context without being in my workplace for several years. Not to justify her treatment by any means, but she's no shrinking violet. Several people over the years have left directly because of her treatment of them. She's even left me stranded at work in the dark on my own after refusing to give me a lift home as my car was in for repairs, and docked my wages for going home one day following a bereavement, when she told me herself to go and take a couple of days to sort things out. Again, this is not to say she deserves the treatment she gets whatsoever. I'm just trying to explain my workplace, which sounds madder by the minute. I just wish they'd stop with the disgusting comments.

Again, yes it is up to me to speak up, but then ultimately I probably have to leave my job. I need my job and I'm good at it. I don't want to be driven out.

Does bullying stop being bullying when the target is unlikeable or unpleasant? Fair treatment is for everybody. Everybody should be able to expect to go to work without enduring the kind of environment you've described.

I now agree with previous comments that have suggested you don't much like the advice you're being given. Following this later post of yours, I suggest you just put up with the situation, because you don't seem as though you want to stand up to your colleagues in any way, so what other option is there (besides leaving, which I think you don't want to do)?

tiv2020 · 15/11/2023 23:25

Has anyone suggested you try to WFH yet?

connu · 15/11/2023 23:26

Never work in the motor trade then OP, this type of banter is almost mandatory 🤣🤣

ShadowCipher · 15/11/2023 23:36

how common is this in different companies ?

Whataretheodds · 15/11/2023 23:37

Again, this is not to say she deserves the treatment she gets whatsoever. I'm just trying to explain my workplace, which sounds madder by the minute. I just wish they'd stop with the disgusting comments.

None of this makes sexual harassment is ok. And yes, your workplace sounds madder by the minute. If you were in a larger organisation with a proper HR function it might be worth complaining but if the boss is the instigator.

TheMoreYouKnow · 15/11/2023 23:39

It happens where I work. It's been reported by loads of people. Nothing done so high staff turnover. Very big public organisation. Nothing will change so many of us looking for new jobs.

Justwrong68 · 16/11/2023 12:59

Can you speak to a union rep? Or citizens advice?

Justwrong68 · 16/11/2023 13:09

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 15/11/2023 23:09

It's very hard to put all of this into context without being in my workplace for several years. Not to justify her treatment by any means, but she's no shrinking violet. Several people over the years have left directly because of her treatment of them. She's even left me stranded at work in the dark on my own after refusing to give me a lift home as my car was in for repairs, and docked my wages for going home one day following a bereavement, when she told me herself to go and take a couple of days to sort things out. Again, this is not to say she deserves the treatment she gets whatsoever. I'm just trying to explain my workplace, which sounds madder by the minute. I just wish they'd stop with the disgusting comments.

Again, yes it is up to me to speak up, but then ultimately I probably have to leave my job. I need my job and I'm good at it. I don't want to be driven out.

Ignore the people blaming you. You're hardly likely to stand up to them suddenly after 13 years. Seek advice and give yourself a deadline before resigning. Meanwhile start looking at jobs, you can go to interviews, this will also boost your confidence for when you leave and tell them why you're leaving.

HappyHamsters · 16/11/2023 13:53

The whole set up sounds awful and dysfunctional, everyone disliking each other and gossiping. She has no duty to give you a lift hone, if people left because of her behaviour then the manager is weak, not tackling the reasons and just creating a toxic workplace. I would get out and go for constructive dismissal. L

Cherrysoup · 07/01/2024 21:56

This is exactly what we do in PSHE with school children, it’s prejudice related bullying and goes against the Equalities Act. I’d be speaking to the boss privately and telling him this. He absolutely should not be allowing/encouraging this. In my job, you’d be the subject of a disciplinary action for a first offence then waved goodbye, quite rightly. Don’t be the bystander, that, as pp have said, makes you complicit.

If you feel you can’t stop them, roll your eyes, say ‘Not this shit again’ and very ostentatiously put on headphones.

DeeCeeCherry · 15/04/2024 07:58

I've just made the teas for everyone, I enjoy doing it for a break from my desk, and everyone is so nice and "aw thanks, Always, you're a star" etc etc and I think why can't it just be like this all the time

Over-egging it now.

BlackForestCake · 15/04/2024 08:37

You say you like and get on with the woman who starts most of it, so why can't you have a word in private?

And if that doesn't work, point out that it would be an HR matter in a bigger company and that if the victim decided enough was enough, her compensation for constructive dismissal might well wipe the company out.

MariaLuna · 15/04/2024 09:17

say that you have a very healthy sex life thank you

DO NOT SAY THIS!

These types will start harassing you next.

Disgusting people.

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