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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Incessant sex banter at work

115 replies

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 15/11/2023 11:42

It's not even funny the first time, never mind the same 'joke' being resurrected and commented on over and over again,

The office is a mix of men and women who I get on really well with, and it's one of the women who instigates most of it. Most of the time I really like her and she's even recently been to a hospital appointment with me on her day off as it was something a bit worrying. Anyway, she also has a very mischievous dirty side and she will challenge the men as to what they would do to another female colleague for a million pounds. The target of this is a larger lady, notoriously grumpy, who everyone takes the piss out of incessantly. The woman in question is off today so they've all got free rein. Today's examples are comments on her day off with the dog and a jar of peanut butter...and she is asking one of the other girls if she would have lesbian sex with her for a million. All the men roaring with laughter and encouraging more. Meanwhile, I am in the corner trying to get on with my work and a couple of them pipe up with, "well ask AlwaysTheGoodGirl if she'd do it, don't leave her out!" Oh, as well as "nobody ever asks Always if she's got any batteries lying around." Just stuff like that, pointing out that I'm too delicate for such talk. So not only am I sick to the back teeth of this banter, I get singled out and patronised for being too delicate.

I can't go to anyone, it's a small business and we all muck in together, and the boss is one of the instigators a lot of the time. Am I being over sensitive?

I also feel awful for the woman who is always the butt of the jokes. She doesn't deserve this much disrespect.

OP posts:
SkyTree · 15/11/2023 13:43

You need to report this to senior management OP, I’m at a loss at why you haven’t already. This is very serious and your wish to be liked by your colleagues does not trump that.

idontlikealdi · 15/11/2023 13:43

It's not banter it's bullying and would be gross misconduct where I work.

Thisistyresome · 15/11/2023 13:50

This is not ok. You may want to think about leaving. Even just for a change of scenery, but to get away from this.

CharlotteBog · 15/11/2023 13:51

SkyTree · 15/11/2023 13:43

You need to report this to senior management OP, I’m at a loss at why you haven’t already. This is very serious and your wish to be liked by your colleagues does not trump that.

OP says it's a very small company and that the boss is one of the instigators.
What an awful place to work.

HappyHamsters · 15/11/2023 13:51

It's bullying and toxic, blaming the main victim is unkind. You have put up with this for 13 years, why would you want to stay working with a bunch of idiots. If you think they are picking on one person then you can guarantee they pick on everyone behind their back, pathetic wasters.

5128gap · 15/11/2023 13:57

If this happens every day and pretty much everyone joins in, it's deeply embedded within the office culture. This leaves you with 3 options. Ignore it, leave, or start a lengthy process of raising a grievance, which, if upheld may stop it in front of you but will obviously lead to you being alienated too, and if dismissed leaves you nowhere to go but constructive dismissal and ET. The latter being a long stressful process that means you leave there anyway.
What you do depends on your appetite for fighting on principle versus your wish to keep your job with some semblance of harmony with your colleagues. There isn't an option that will enable you to change the culture and get them to stop without significant effort and discomfort for you.
(Personally I'd go down the grievance route, but that's because I'd be looking to leave anyway so would have nothing to lose.)

User1775 · 15/11/2023 14:06

Horrific bullying and sexual harassment. What do you say when they are debasing a colleague for bantz? Nothing?
I would stop them everytime. Not be 'delicate' be a fucking battleaxe to be reckoned with.

mn29 · 15/11/2023 14:07

Awful! I couldn't stand to be around that kind of thing.

I really think you need to stand up to them. I know it's not easy in this kind of environment, and you don't want them to turn against you. Something like "seriously guys, would you want someone to talk about your daughter/mum/girlfriend like that? These conversations actually make me really uncomfortable and it feels a bit like bullying. I know you're all nice people [even though that's questionable] so can we try not to have this kind of chat?" said with the nicest kind of smiley approach so it doesn't feel like you're having a go at them.

You never know there may be one (or more) of the guys there who are also uncomfortable with it but feel the need to join in and be one of the gang, they may jump in and support you.

YouJustDoYou · 15/11/2023 14:20

I used to fucking HATE this when I was younger, the men thought they were utterly hilarious. What a bunch of bullying cunts op.

MidnightOnceMore · 15/11/2023 14:28

You work in a toxic, bullying environment. If you love the job, then you must be fine with what is going on.

I worked in a place like that once, I told them when I found the comments unacceptable to me and I looked for another job. I didn't tolerate it or stay silent.

The comments were never directed at me, but I was not able to let it go by. I left quite quickly.

Dweetfidilove · 15/11/2023 14:31

I read this last week when doing an equalities training module, and I hope it helps strengthen your resolve to tackle this.

Incessant sex banter at work
NashvilleQueen · 15/11/2023 14:37

I would try and record it so you have evidence and save any emails/screenshots of inappropriate messages. That may in time support a case for constructive dismissal. I'd also be looking for a new job.

spiderleggings · 15/11/2023 15:04

You're as bad as them if you remain silent and therefore complicit. And your colleague who instigates this isn't nice ( even if she did go to an appointment with you) she's a fucking bitch and you should want nothing to do with her

Grow a back bone, explicitly speak up against it as and when it happens and tell your poor colleague what's going down so she had a chance to leave or complain or sue the hell out of the business for bullying

It's not banter and you know it

Folklore9074 · 15/11/2023 15:51

In the real world people can’t always confront the group and find a new job after 13 years because a few people are arses. There isn’t always an HR to run to, and if there is people forget that HR is there for the organisation not the employee. Someone up post said to deflect or shut it down every single time, with humour and/or boredom. I second this approach. Board indifference which shows you aren’t going along with the nasty joke and think it’s dumb. Maybe people will get board eventually, maybe your quiet opposition will cause them to reflect. Maybe this is always going to be a negative aspect of this job.

NovemberName · 15/11/2023 16:17

OrlandointheWilderness · 15/11/2023 11:56

If you don't put your head above the parapet every time this happens and say it's out of order then you are complicit. I'm sorry but imagine someone was treating someone you loved like that!

I agree here OP!

Sitting with your head down for 13 years is being complicit.

If you're not brave enough to stand up to them, next time they try to drag you in say " I don't want to discuss it, I'm not into badmouthing people behind their back"

Head back down, on with work.

Eve223 · 15/11/2023 16:28

This sounds like somewhere I used to work - a government organisation no less - where colleagues used to say the most awful things behind the back of an obese woman in the office, and at a night out at a local restaurant (which said colleague didn't attend), the office manager raising a glass to her not being there and the others all joining in with it.

I was in my early 20s at the time and they were also saying things about my weight to me, and guaranteed behind my back.

Nasty, nasty people.

Comtesse · 15/11/2023 16:47

Sounds like a load of nasty bullying - that would have been out of order in the 80s never mind nowadays. I hate “banter” so much sometimes.

Perimama · 15/11/2023 17:05

I have lost sympathy OP, when you said you are unwilling to say something to the group. You are complicit.

namechangelalala · 15/11/2023 17:17

Awful bullying behaviour and absolutely not normal in other workplaces, OP. This would have resulted in disciplinary action for all involved in all places I've worked over the years.

ginasevern · 15/11/2023 17:24

I've worked in several family run type businesses on a large industrial estate near me. It's as if the 1970's never ended. HR department - ha, you might as well talk about Martians. There's usually one boss (probably the owner) and everything goes through him and that's it. Honestly, I think some posters on mumsnet wouldn't believe the vile racism and sexism in these places. I once had to listen to 2 guys in their 40's saying that the only use for black women is to rape and murder them. Conversely they would be on the phone to their wives being all domesticated, lovely and asking about the kids etc. I often wonderedif their wives knew what they were like in work.

Wordsmithery · 15/11/2023 20:31

This behaviour would class as bullying and harassment where I work and your colleagues would be subject to an investigation if anyone reported them. But I work for the civil service and we take these things very seriously indeed.
It's tricky because you work for a small company and probably don't have an HR department. I think I'd talk to the boss and explain how this makes you feel. Your choice, ultimately, may be to either take them to tribunal or leave.
I think you should also spare a thought for the lady who's on the receiving end of the bullying. She could be really struggling with her mental health as a result of this treatment (I would be distraught if I had to face this). She needs an ally and an advocate right now and you need to stand up and be counted.

Girlsjustwannahavefundamentalrights · 15/11/2023 22:41

Vile , disgusting sexual harassment.

You can report this, even though you're not the main target. And you should.

Catsmere · 15/11/2023 22:45

This is revolting sexual harassment, and no, it doesn't go on in other workplaces. Source: my working life in public and private sector jobs, large and small companies, 1984-2017.

Renamed · 15/11/2023 22:57

AlwaysTheGoodGirl · 15/11/2023 11:52

There's no HR @RandomButtons @Lelophants

@OrlandointheWilderness I've been here 13 years (today actually!) and I love the job, and 90% of the time I like the people, but this comes up at some point pretty much every day and I just have to try and ignore it as much as possible. I don't want to have to move jobs for the sake of immature people.

I just wondered if this goes on in other work places?

No because it is harassment and gross misconduct and your colleague should sue the arse off them

SkaneTos · 15/11/2023 22:59

I would be grumpy too, in her situation.