Incessant sex banter at work

[AlwaysTheGoodGirl]

It's not even funny the first time, never mind the same 'joke' being resurrected and commented on over and over again,

The office is a mix of men and women who I get on really well with, and it's one of the women who instigates most of it. Most of the time I really like her and she's even recently been to a hospital appointment with me on her day off as it was something a bit worrying. Anyway, she also has a very mischievous dirty side and she will challenge the men as to what they would do to another female colleague for a million pounds. The target of this is a larger lady, notoriously grumpy, who everyone takes the piss out of incessantly. The woman in question is off today so they've all got free rein. Today's examples are comments on her day off with the dog and a jar of peanut butter...and she is asking one of the other girls if she would have lesbian sex with her for a million. All the men roaring with laughter and encouraging more. Meanwhile, I am in the corner trying to get on with my work and a couple of them pipe up with, "well ask AlwaysTheGoodGirl if she'd do it, don't leave her out!" Oh, as well as "nobody ever asks Always if she's got any batteries lying around." Just stuff like that, pointing out that I'm too delicate for such talk. So not only am I sick to the back teeth of this banter, I get singled out and patronised for being too delicate.

I can't go to anyone, it's a small business and we all muck in together, and the boss is one of the instigators a lot of the time. Am I being over sensitive?

I also feel awful for the woman who is always the butt of the jokes. She doesn't deserve this much disrespect.

^

THIS x 1000000

If I bring it up in front of everyone, I look like an arse. And then I would have to leave. I do realise I should defend my colleague and that if I don't then I'm part of it. I have made comment on it if I'm on my own with one of them, but it has no affect when they're all together. She is actually quite mean to people at times herself, but not to the extent that she deserves this.

I don't know how you can love the job, Op.

Getting a bit victim blamey now OP.

This is sexual harassment. You need to be brave and call it out. They are awful disgusting bullies who think they can disrespect this lady just because she is overweight. Vile people.

@BringMeTea Not at all, just trying to reason why they pick on her in particular

If I bring it up in front of everyone, I look like an arse.

I'm sorry, what? You will look like an arse for saying the obvious: that they are bullying, miogynistic sexual harassers?

Have you actually said to them that they're leaving themselves wide open to a workplace sexual harassment lawsuit with their behaviour and that the banter could be used against the team if any one of them falls out with the rest of the team at any point, causing the business to go under? Maybe give an example of a business taken to task like this. You can present it in a slightly musing out loud way as "I read about this one case where... and it got me thinking..." if you don't want a confrontation.

Might give a few people - hopefully the boss - food for thought.

Because she is there. They need a vicitm so that they can all much in with their oh so hilarious and transgressive "banter".

Yeah @AlwaysTheGoodGirl if I'm with a group of people who clearly disrespect me and take the piss out of me I tend to be mean as well. Funny that.
Still firmly sitting on protecting yourself.

The best way to handle this is to be quietly firm. Continually shut it down by rejecting this conversation in a non-confrontational way. Throwaway comments like “a bit less of that” “oh this again, how boring” and the like, or a “jokey” remark like “do you never get sick of being a w*nker?”. Just keep shutting it down, never rise to it, never escalate it into a row, just dismiss them time and again. Sorry you’re having to deal with this!

Can’t you speak to the woman individually and see what she says? If you must wrap it up as “I have a friend who has just been sacked because she was accused of bullying, I‘’m worried that x might say that about you. Plus TBH the joke’s getting a bit tired.” Chances are you aren’t the only one who feels like this. But if you don’t say anything you’re complicit in their bullying and as bad as they are.

If the individual approach didn’t work I think I would politely tell them to give it a test every time it started, as I know otherwise I’d just lose my rag eventually. And if it didn’t work I’d take it to the manager/ owner, as this creates a massive risk.

Ear phones.
I’d say Jesus I’m not too sensitive, it’s just boring. Are none of you getting any at home / have nothing more interesting to talk about, I’m not interested in this conversation. It’s boring and repetitive and you’ve done it to death. I’m going to record you all and play it to the woman you are talking about. People like this will talk about someone else when it’s their day off.

If you like the job and want to stay, the boss doesn’t care! Not sure what you can do with no HR Dept! Look for another job?

I would be openly telling them every time they did it that it was an incredibly disrespectful, unkind thing to do and they were all vile individuals. After I'd made sure to log it and record it a good few times.
They might not have HR, but that doesn't mean they can get away with this.

I would have to leave, I just couldn't tolerate this. It's not at all normal.
If you won't leave I would take it up with the manager and make it clear that this is harassment and you will be informing and supporting the victim, in whatever action she takes, if it continues. No bloody wonder she's grumpy.

The target of this is a larger lady, notoriously grumpy, who everyone takes the piss out of incessantly.

She is being systematically bullied, which is appalling. Offer to support her in raising a grievance.

I have found that people repsect calm confidence. When I was young I used to try and be a people pleaser, and opened myself up to workplace bullying and situations where I feebly tried and failed to help others. Now that I'm older and have developed unshakeable feminist beliefs it's much easier. I would calmly and with self assurance say "you are being misogynistic by sexually degrading a female colleague". I would say it matter of factly, without anger or apology in my voice. They'll say it's just a bit of banter, lighten up! You then repeat that it's misogynistic and sexually degrading.

It would also be tedious and misogynistic if they were all in on it, with the woman in question also going around asking people what they'd do to the other woman, as one big joke they all enjoyed. But they don't even have that excuse, it's just bullying.

Can you ask for this to me moved to legal maybe and get some advice? Or call ACAS? This is really
horrific. And the thing is, it’s her now, but it could be you next. That sounds a bit extreme, but these people don’t stop, they simply find new victims.

She’d be heartbroken, what a thoughtless thing to do.

This is vile sexual bullying. Your colleagues are hateful and reckless.

You cannot just sit by - either call it out or leave or raise your own grievance / whistleblow in any way you can with management.

I’m sorry you find yourself in such a grim situation.

Well you are selling a bit of your soul every single day you stay in that job and listen to those disgusting people say foul things about another colleague.

And how on earth did you let that bitch come with you to a hospital appointment? I wouldn't trust her with any personal information. God knows what "jokes" she is making about your health.

this is actually disturbing - a perfect example of what happens when there are a couple of nasty individual and a whole bunch of spineless people who won't stand up for what is right.

Well its no longer 1973 so unless you are working for Gene Hunt then this is completely unacceptable! They sound cruel and immature .I would think about leaving and looking for a job in a larger company . This would no way be tolerated anywhere else!

Your boss is breaking the law by not doing anything to prevent this bullying. They have a duty towards their employees.
That they are joining in makes it even worse.

Your just as bad as the rest of them and you've now said the victim is mean too, don't like the responses you're getting eh?

THAT is not good at all!! Get a sign (you can get them online) saying sexual harrassment is a crime in the workplace. put it up when no one is looking. failing that you might need to have a private word with the boss and say that a sexual harrassment case in court will not do his company any good! that is often enough to stop the nastiness.