To think he can’t get away with this? Marriage breakdown.

[SheIsStuck23]

I posted this on the Relationship board yesterday but only got two replies so I’m now posting it here because I’m desperate for help and advice.

I’m posting because of all the fantastic knowledge and support that is offered on here to women who want to escape shitty relationships and because I don’t know how to help my friend.

I’m going to see her in a few days time and I would love to be able to give her some guidance.

The back story of her and her husband:

Together for 13 years.
Married for 7 years.
They have two children aged 11 and 8

My friend was a SAHM until the youngest started school and then she started a college course in order to get into a career. She should get her qualification late next year.

Her husband works in banking and she thinks he earns about £95k.

My friend has never had any access to his earnings and all she has had since the birth of their first child eleven years ago is a monthly “allowance” that he gives her, as well as the child benefit.

He pays for the mortgage and bills and keeps the rest of his earnings to himself.

Their marriage has been very rocky for about 3-4 years (he’s awful) and a few months ago my friend told her husband that she didn’t want to be with him anymore. He made lots of promises about how he’d change (which he’s already been promising for many years with nothing changing) but she said enough is enough.

A year or so ago she had suggested marriage counselling but he wouldn’t pay for it and still won’t.

Their house is worth £400k and she wants to put it on the market but she knows he won’t agree. They are still living there together (separate rooms) and my friend says the atmosphere is just horrendous. She wants to start divorce proceedings but is terrified about how he will react and she doesn’t have access to any money to pay solicitor fees anyway.

He has now stopped giving her a monthly allowance (out of spite I imagine) and so all she has now each month is the child benefit money. She has to use this to buy things for herself and for the children, and for her travel costs back and forth to college.

He’s treating her so badly and it’s just a mess. It’s just awful. He’s telling their daughters that my friend wants to break up the family and he’s the victim…..

Surely he can’t get away with this?

She has no other family nearby and she feels completely trapped.

How can I help her

its not whether she recieves it or not - its the fact he is paying it into HIS bank account, so HE will be registered as the primary parent, and HE is the one who would be entitled to any child elements of UC etc. Wont affect him in any way of course as he is earning and not claiming, but it is another way that men have of controlling women, because if the father is listed as the primary parent/resident parent, then the mum can only claim as a single person, not a parent, if they need to escape.

I would give them a call. They are pretty understanding and I am not sure if permission is needed. I am 100% sure it could be challenged. She is going to need to get her big girl pants on though. It will be impossible for her to get what she is entitled to without upsetting him, and his permission is not the ultimate decider - he is not above the law, even if he has made her believe that he is.

He doesn’t pay for the household food, she does.

And I would hope he wouldn’t ask for 1/2 of the utilities as he previously agreed he would pay all the bills during her study if she used her inheritance to pay off the mortgage, which she did.

I don’t know why you’re fighting or being sarcastic, we are all just trying to help the op. I won’t respond to you further as I don’t respond to people on line who behave like this, I’m not here for a fight. Life is hard enough as it is.

One of their daughters has medical needs that requires a parent to be up 2 times a night. My friend does it all as her husband says it’s not his job.

He takes absolutely no responsibility for anything to do with the children.

Ok in your op you said she only had child benefit and she uses that for commuting and buying herself and kids stuff. But she actually buys the whole families food? From the child benefit?

**CalistoNoSolo · Today 08:36

No, I just think that taking half of everything you haven't put a penny towards just because you're married is a shit thing to do. It doesn't matter what sex the high earner/sole earner is either. Op's friend hasn't worked for over a decade, hardly fair to the husband is it*

You mean the husband who coerced her to pay off the mortgage, the husband who wants free childcare and expects his wife and children to live on fresh air and £0.

If she hasn’t worked for over a decade then where do you categorise the “free” childcare.

If she had worked then he would have had to pay at least 1/2 of the childcare.
Why do you think that a father shouldn’t be paying for his children’s childcare or do you think that fathers should pay other people to look after their child but not the mother of their children.

Are you only considering that work is only work if it comes with a payslip at the end of the month.

For those saying this is not financial abuse and then saying that financial abuse is not allowing someone to work. What exactly is not looking after your own children to allow your wife to work

Fine saying she needs to get a job and ditch her college course but what job would she get that would allow her to pay fully for childcare. She would be in a worse situation. He has already said he is not paying for any childcare as she can give it for free.

I would advise your friend to call Women’s Aid. (They have solicitors and it’s not that there is no money to pay for a solicitor, it’s just that there isn’t any money atm

Then I would call the police as there is coercive control and financial abuse going on.

I would also make an appointment with UC to also look at claiming something as a newly separated single person with children

I wouldn’t put the house on the market. That is a bargaining chip. Equally wouldn’t give up the college course with only 7 months to go

I would try to find out what he does earn, as well as what is in his pension fund, investments savings etc if at all possible (maybe look at his company and job title and see if there are any adverts past or present for jobs with the same job title or pay grade in his company )

The value of the house together with all savings, investments and both of their pensions are marital assets as well as cars, furniture etc

These are all given a value then the judge awards a percentage each. The starting point is 50/50 but with children and abuse it could get to 70/30 in favour of op
(Friend got 60/40 after years of abuse. Her youngest was at university)

She could decide that her percentage means she gets to keep the house and maybe some savings/her pension etc to make up her percentage.

A judge will want to make sure that both parties have means to have a roof over their heads, work to provide an income (which her university course will give her)

Look to her university to see if there is anything that she could be entitled to

Entitled To is also something that she needs to look into to see what she can claim during the divorce and also going forward as a single parent.

I was going to say exactly this.

There's lots of misunderstanding around CB and higher earners but this PP has it spot on.

OP please don't add to your friend's worries, the CB situation is fine, it's good that she's receiving it. It was designed to be paid and in this way exactly for this situation, the person earning the money not supporting their children (usually the man).

Yes, she’s always paid for the families food, and this expectation didn’t stop even though he stopped giving her an allowance.

Hence why she is in such a financial mess.

I’m worried she’s not eating properly, or frequently enough, in order to reduce the food costs 😢

The reason people are reacting badly to your posts is because they are not an accurate representation of the legal position the OP’s friend is in.

You are not a lawyer, and have had no training in this area, so it would just be better for all women if you refrained from posting in this way.

It’s at best confusing, and could at worst be actively dangerous. This is because it may induce vulnerable women to stay in abusive situations - your postings may incorrectly lead women to believe they have no access to family money once they leave their partners.

This isn’t a situation in which ‘everyone is entitled to their opinion’, there’s an established legal position, and your comments are not in line with this.

Ok, it’s non means tested for people who don’t work and their husbands / partners pay it back whilst they spend it. For single parents or people that view their finances as joint , then it’s essentially means tested.

Your friend absolutely does not need to do anything about the child benefit. It is up to the higher earner (her husband) to repay it. Not her. She is entitled to claim. Do not advise her to stop claiming.

Also check out the deeds of the house. Is she sure that her name is still on them given there is no mortgage

He could have quite easily altered them.

It will make no difference as the house is a marital asset but it would be something that would indicate fraud. (There are some people who think because their name is on the deeds/ownership documents/business account that somehow that makes them not marital assets

Friends dh paid off the mortgage to “his house” and told friend he would not give her a penny if she divorced him.

Judge had other ideas.

Because I don't like your attitude towards a woman who is clearly being abused and towards the posters who are trying to help her. A condescending, insincere "please Google" is best served by malicious compliance in this case, because it throws up exactly what you didn't want it to. Further evidenced by your response of performative flouncing while declaring the discussion to be beneath you.

You can respond or not, as you wish, you don't have to announce it. The discussion is not about you.

I would also look at both her own and his Experian / Clear Score file

She knows his address and date of birth etc so could quite easily set up a separate email address and take a look at what he has in debts to see if the house remains mortgage free and to check he hasn’t put loans credit cards in her name.

If I was her friend, this is what I'd be telling her to do
a) stick with the course if it is a route into an easily found, better paying job- if she's so close to finishing, it is probably financially unwise to quit now if she could only find a relatively poor paying job
b) see a solicitor who will defer payment until the marital assets have been split. She's not going to be able to do anything without one.
c) take out student loans - yes, debt isn't ideal, but they exist to cover living costs whilst studying. It doesn't need to be a government loan if she doesn't qualify, banks do them. The loan can be paid off when she's working/ the house is sold.

As her friend I'd offer to help with babysitting so she could do the odd shift in a pub or something like that to help with living costs. It doesn't sound like her DH is going to be reliable childcare to enable her to work, he'll probably cancel at the last minute just to screw her over.

Gosh you’re rude aren’t you? @Catpuss66

I don’t know how else to try and explain that essentially this in not extra money. When you’re ( or someone in your household) is paying it back. Households where one person is above 60k are not better off. So it’s not really a benefit is it?

Yes you can still take the money , but someone still pays it back! So I really don’t See the point …..

It is beneficial to all four of them that your friend finishes her study.
I would encourage her to seek advice as to how to enlist a mediator (preferably male) to help them sit down and plan to pay as little to lawyers as they can and instead have the husband resume payment for her to study for another year.

They need to live in a civilized way until she is qualified and then sell the marital home to set up two small homes.
The husband has to stop being mean and see the bigger picture.

The ex-and-late worked in banking, and had a bank mortgage. The bank served me with notice to quit the house (built by my dad, sold to us at 2/3 of normal price). Caused a hell of a lot of stress. You're extra vulnerable if mortgages are through his employer.

Do you really think you are helping the OP? She probably worried & vulnerable & you are saying she has to worry about paying the CB back which at this moment in time is the only thing feeding her children.

OP, I would genuinely advise her to speak to women’s aid to see if she can go into a refuge.

He’s not going to play ball. He’s not interested in his children, and if she wants to claim the child benefit he will have to withdraw his claim first before she can apply. You can’t just switch from one parent to another, the claiming parent has to withdraw their claim which I presume he won’t.

She needs to see a solicitor as a matter of urgency, and if she speaks to women’s aid she may be entitled to legal aid as she has no access to money due to the abuse.

I would also suggest she speaks to the uni to see if there is any help available, but if there isn’t, then as hard as it is, if she wants out and to be able to look after her children in the shorter term, then dropping out of the course or deferring and getting a job may be her only option.

Not read the full thread yet, I will be but why is she getting child benefit when he is on that salary?

Do you really think you are helping the OP? She probably worried & vulnerable & you are saying she has to worry about paying the CB back which at this moment in time is the only thing feeding her children. as he is the claimant he will have to pay it back in his taxes, which he may already be doing.

But if he is claiming the CB in his name then he will need to withdraw his claim before she can claim herself, so as things stand at the moment she may well be in a position where she’s about to lose the child benefit.

This is why she needs legal advice I’m sure that the court could order his removal of his claim but without legal advice she is at his mercy, something which it seems is not forthcoming from him as he’s a special kind of bastard.

Because she is entitled to it. He is withholding all other funds. It is non means tested benefit. By claiming she also gets points towards her pension credit.

Then RTFT. She's quite entitled to claim cb as long has her stbex pay is it back via a tax return. I'm not sure though how she's paying for all the family's food and clubs and hobbies and stuff for the kids via cb as it's a really low amount.