To think he can’t get away with this? Marriage breakdown.

[SheIsStuck23]

I posted this on the Relationship board yesterday but only got two replies so I’m now posting it here because I’m desperate for help and advice.

I’m posting because of all the fantastic knowledge and support that is offered on here to women who want to escape shitty relationships and because I don’t know how to help my friend.

I’m going to see her in a few days time and I would love to be able to give her some guidance.

The back story of her and her husband:

Together for 13 years.
Married for 7 years.
They have two children aged 11 and 8

My friend was a SAHM until the youngest started school and then she started a college course in order to get into a career. She should get her qualification late next year.

Her husband works in banking and she thinks he earns about £95k.

My friend has never had any access to his earnings and all she has had since the birth of their first child eleven years ago is a monthly “allowance” that he gives her, as well as the child benefit.

He pays for the mortgage and bills and keeps the rest of his earnings to himself.

Their marriage has been very rocky for about 3-4 years (he’s awful) and a few months ago my friend told her husband that she didn’t want to be with him anymore. He made lots of promises about how he’d change (which he’s already been promising for many years with nothing changing) but she said enough is enough.

A year or so ago she had suggested marriage counselling but he wouldn’t pay for it and still won’t.

Their house is worth £400k and she wants to put it on the market but she knows he won’t agree. They are still living there together (separate rooms) and my friend says the atmosphere is just horrendous. She wants to start divorce proceedings but is terrified about how he will react and she doesn’t have access to any money to pay solicitor fees anyway.

He has now stopped giving her a monthly allowance (out of spite I imagine) and so all she has now each month is the child benefit money. She has to use this to buy things for herself and for the children, and for her travel costs back and forth to college.

He’s treating her so badly and it’s just a mess. It’s just awful. He’s telling their daughters that my friend wants to break up the family and he’s the victim…..

Surely he can’t get away with this?

She has no other family nearby and she feels completely trapped.

How can I help her

Commenters like this make me so cross, @Gardeningtime , you very clearly don’t work in this space, nor have you had any proper training on what DEA is.

You must know this about yourself, so why are you posting comments like this in such a serious thread?

I can spot it, because I do work in this area, but many posters won’t realise and may well believe what you’re saying, despite it being complete nonsense.

Im sure you mean well, but it’s just such an awful thing to do, it could even threaten the safety of women and DC who may read this thread at a later date.

your friend needs proper legal advice, not the opinions of internet randoms. If he refuses to financially support her then she is likely to need to file for divorce abd financial claims on the back of that. Yes, ultimately I’m sure she will get a job as everyone keeps banging on, but that’s not helping in the immediate future. Please encourage her to call a reputable solicitor who specialises in family law who can advise her. If she has no money for legal advice then she should tell them when she calls the law firm and they can advise. She may need to get a litigation loan if he really won’t give her anything. In essence, he can’t hold her hostage - there are ways to manage things but she needs proper legal advice

Yes, she absolutely can.

Moreover, from what OP has posted, there is, in my view evidence of coercive and controlling behaviour which is a criminal offence.

How simple is the process of getting the CB payments transferred over to her? Because if it involves getting his permission in any way, shape or form then she’ll be fighting a losing battle 😢

‘Child benefit is a non-means-tested benefit payable for each child. You can get child benefit no matter what your income, ‘

He doesn't pay for the food - she pays for it from child benefit.

She has no access to funds beyond that. And she cannot work as he refuses to do childcare, or pay for childcare. That is what financial abuse is - it's when someone takes away your choices and options by using money as a weapon.

Which isn’t really true. Because every penny over 50k your salary , you have to start paying it back and anything over 60k you pay it’ ALL back in tax.

They can dress it up all they like. But essentially it is means tested. I stopped even bothering to claim when I went over 50 , just wasn’t worth the faff.

…and just for the record… @Gardeningtime

financial abuse is stealing the persons money

No, this is theft .

DEA is far more subtle - blocking access to what has been established to be family money, with the intention to cause financial hardship to dependents, is perhaps the most textbook example there is.

He doesn’t pay for the food, she does.

She pays for the children’s hobbies.
She pays for the food shopping.
She pays for anything related to the house.
She pays for anything the children need.
She is responsible for anything related to the children.

She does this on about £160 a week as well as needing to include in this amount anything she needs too and cover the costs of public transport 5 days a week for her Uni course.

She cannot earn any money for herself because he refuses to look after the children as that’s “her job”.

Meanwhile, he probably brings in about £6k a month and pays the water/electric and gas bills every three months.

I hardly think she’s getting the easy ride.

She needs to look at this currently as if she is a single parent.

She needs to make it clear legally they are separated, then claim Uc and child maintenance. Maybe a some kind of separation document legally that they are now basically just house mates.

Im not sure on the laws of financial abuse but I do struggle to see how a person wanting a divorce can then claim financial abuse because their now ex partner even if not legally yet divorced won’t continue to fund them. Funding their children is one thing and thus child maintenance but an ex partner is exactly that unless a court decides they are owed spousal support.

Again look as a single parent. You cannot force a parent who doesn’t want to, to watch their own children. This is exactly again what his doing. His going to do the bare legal minimum for his children and she is now going to have to get use to this. Get the maintenance claim in.

Please google financial abuse. I’m not trying to make anyone angry . Just ti ensure she’s given accurate advice. Family money is not a concept that is legally recognised and his earnings is not something she’s automatically entitled to when she seperates.

But he doesn’t legally have to do childcare his just being a deadbeat like many fathers that’s not abusive to the ops friend who is the one who initiated the separation. It’s just being a shit parent.

Absolutely!

My friend is struggling to be able to afford to pay for her transport costs to Uni and pay for the children’s hobbies so she asked her husband if he would pay for the hobbies and he flatly said no. He told my friend that if the children had to stop doing their hobbies because she’d rather go to Uni then it just shows what a selfish mother she is.

What kind of decent father acts like that?!

‘Financial abuse’ is an obsolete term, if you’re googling this, it may well be why you’re coming up with the twaddle you’re spouting.

The term we use is Domestic and Economic Abuse (DEA), or sometimes just economic abuse,

HM Government has a helpful guide here if you’d like to clarify your understanding,

Only read first few replies but want to clarify.

She CAN claim child benefit. He has to pay it back through his tax code. I pay back each month via my tax code the money ny husband receives in child benefit.

It is his problem as the higher earner. I know this for certain.

It’s crazy not claiming and paying back via tax code. If higher earner loses job/dies etc the gov will not rebate to April. So higher earner becomes Ill in October - only earns 45k that year. The gov only back date so far. Claim and repay. Or shove in premium bonds and hope for a win.

It's not the right thing to do and it's not what I would advise anyone to do but if I am being completely honest with myself I would stop discussing divorce right now and finish my qualification, get some savings behind me too from the allowance.

It's selfish and pragmatic but this man is much worse.

Obviously with the huge caveat that if there is any risk of violent behaviour at all from the husband the number one priority is to get out. This is what I would do.

No - she can receive child benefit. He has to repay it via tax. This is what I do. My DH is annoyed by it but I am unrepentantly continuing to chain it as I regard it as the mothers right.

Claim it not chain it.

So it is non means tested, she doesn’t have to pay it back he gets taxed on it. As other people have said sahm it goes towards their pension credit.

It would be the smart thing to do I agree. She should have just counted down the days till her qualifying. Ducks in row and what not.

If possible like you say not if his violent etc but then again I’d expect they wouldn’t be still in the same house if he was.

I agree, it’s shit. And it’s clearly about to be an incredibly acrimonious split.

to be honest, she should have sorted out her finances and then split. Got her ducks in a row so to speak. As he was never going to behave well so recognising that he wpild likely stop giving her an allowance when she ended the marriage.

however she’s not stuck . She needs to apply for uc, and student loan. At least right now he’s still paying for her food and her share of the utilities etc, as he could move to asking her to leave or to pay half.

either way she needs to recognise he isn’t going to play nicely. He isn’t going to financially support her now past the house and food, and that will only last a short period as the marriage is now over.

OK

Lets play it the apologist's way.

if they are seperated then she is entitled to have the child benefit paid to her, which will allow her to claim UC and other child related benefits.
It will also mean he is liable for child maintanance, which I would wager is going to be alot more than the small amount she had before - in fact on an income of £95K with kids just staying every other weekend, its giving me an amount of £251 a week

she is also entitled to a FAIR financial settlement which may take into account her inheritance (especially if given by coercion) plus likely more than 50% of all savings /pensions/the home.

Child maintenance will depend on custody, and right now she’s living in the house, having her bills and food paid for, so it’s unlikely to be any money owed, as what he’s currently paying will be higher, and of course. Arguably unless he leaves the home, they are both caring for them at night, as nights is what cm works on.

Admittedly I have suggested it to her as an option if she’s really desperate but she said she cannot go back to sharing a life with him, any by that she means sleeping with him. She knows that if she went back on taking about divorce and pretend she was prepared to keep trying at the relationship then she’d be expected to return to the marital bedroom, and she said she just can’t do it.

She’s also not even sure he’d start giving her an allowance again either.

I wish I had a bigger house, I would just bundle her and her daughters up and bring them to me. I cannot bear to see her going through this whilst her wealthy husband sits back and enjoys watching her suffer.

Please google financial abuse.

How very reasonable and rational of you. You've even said "please", so you must be right.

Well, since you asked so nicely, I did.

"It involves someone else controlling your spending or access to cash, assets and finances. This can leave you feeling isolated, lacking in confidence and trapped. Sometimes (but not always) financial abuse will be recognised by the police as coercive or controlling behaviour, which is also a criminal offence."

"Economic abuse can include exerting control over income, spending, bank accounts, bills and borrowing."

"Financial abuse is a form of domestic abuse under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 (DAA 2021). It is referred to as ‘economic abuse’ and is defined in section 1(4) as ‘any behaviour that has a substantial adverse effect on B’s ability to:

• (a) acquire, use or maintain money or other property, or


• (b) obtain goods or services."