To think he can’t get away with this? Marriage breakdown.

[SheIsStuck23]

I posted this on the Relationship board yesterday but only got two replies so I’m now posting it here because I’m desperate for help and advice.

I’m posting because of all the fantastic knowledge and support that is offered on here to women who want to escape shitty relationships and because I don’t know how to help my friend.

I’m going to see her in a few days time and I would love to be able to give her some guidance.

The back story of her and her husband:

Together for 13 years.
Married for 7 years.
They have two children aged 11 and 8

My friend was a SAHM until the youngest started school and then she started a college course in order to get into a career. She should get her qualification late next year.

Her husband works in banking and she thinks he earns about £95k.

My friend has never had any access to his earnings and all she has had since the birth of their first child eleven years ago is a monthly “allowance” that he gives her, as well as the child benefit.

He pays for the mortgage and bills and keeps the rest of his earnings to himself.

Their marriage has been very rocky for about 3-4 years (he’s awful) and a few months ago my friend told her husband that she didn’t want to be with him anymore. He made lots of promises about how he’d change (which he’s already been promising for many years with nothing changing) but she said enough is enough.

A year or so ago she had suggested marriage counselling but he wouldn’t pay for it and still won’t.

Their house is worth £400k and she wants to put it on the market but she knows he won’t agree. They are still living there together (separate rooms) and my friend says the atmosphere is just horrendous. She wants to start divorce proceedings but is terrified about how he will react and she doesn’t have access to any money to pay solicitor fees anyway.

He has now stopped giving her a monthly allowance (out of spite I imagine) and so all she has now each month is the child benefit money. She has to use this to buy things for herself and for the children, and for her travel costs back and forth to college.

He’s treating her so badly and it’s just a mess. It’s just awful. He’s telling their daughters that my friend wants to break up the family and he’s the victim…..

Surely he can’t get away with this?

She has no other family nearby and she feels completely trapped.

How can I help her

It's never that straightforward when ownership is not shared legally - legal rights are not as hard to fight for as the equitable ones she will need to pursue if she is not on the titles. But I agree, their history should see her take a significant share from the proceeds of sale - provided she isn't worn down and gives in, which is what the vile H will instruct his solicitor to do - wear her down so that she walks away with next to nothing.

@SheIsStuck23 A word of warning regarding assumptions about the funds that might be released on a divorce. Similar houses may be for sale for £400k, but being kept in the dark about earnings and other financial arrangements, might there be borrowing against the property that she is unaware of?
I would also caution against mediation as a better-funded and more financially aware opponent (which he now is) will use any delay to reframe their finances.

Do the paternal grandparents live close by?
If so, would they be open to having the children at weekends and enabling your friend to work then?
(if they are supportive of your friend, it may lead them to question their sons behaviour in terms of finance…)

Regardless of what some people think about his responsibilities towards his wife, this man is not only not paying anything towards feeding and clothing his children, but he is expecting his wife to feed him for free.

As a bare minimum, their mother should have access to enough money to feed them, and certainly shouldn't be cooking for her husband.

I would advise a CMS claim as a first (and immediate) step, followed by a chat to the police, and then a solicitor. The solicitor will be used to discussing how fees will be paid, and she will need all the help she can get to stop him screwing her in the divorce. Since she paid off the mortgage, she can presumably prove that she has a good case for keeping the house, or at the very least getting that money back either from him or through the sale of the house.

@LongLostTeacher
"I might not have got this right, but I am surprised there is child benefit money coming in if the H is on £95k. If it has been claimed incorrectly it will stop and I would assume it would need to be repaid. Sorry to add a potential problem."
Assuming he earns that amount, then he will be paying it back through his tax code, etc
This is quite normal, as women have to claim the child benefit to qualify for the state pension, (which is based on years earning), as it credits those early years.

just to say, that if she is a single parent and responsible for a child, then she absolutely can continue her studies. they will count any student income (ie student loans) as income when calculating how much she gets, but it can include a housing element if she is forced into rented accommodation. If she has enough money to live on from the inheritance then that may affect things, as they will assume a full loan - which she may be required to apply for and take. But chatting with someone who understands this at her uni - ie student finance, student support services, should be able to help her with that. Its unlikely they will tell her to get a job when she is so close to qualifying, especially as you are allowed to get support https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/find-information/money/higher-education/#:~:text=As%20a%20single%20parent%2C%20you%20can%20still%20get%20Universal%20Credit,with%20your%20work%2Drelated%20requirements.

@Mikimoto
How do families earning 95k get child benefit???

Its not a means tested 'benefit' and never has been, because as the OP proves, even wealthy men withhold money from their wives and children.

She should have kept her inheritance separate, so it didn't become a marital asset. Using it to pay off the mortgage was unwise, to say the least.

Child benefit is absolutely means tested and has been for a number of years.

Thank you everyone for your continued response.

To answer some more questions and I apologise for how long this will be but I don’t want to not respond to those who have taken the time to help:

When she received her inheritance and used it to pay for her training and pay off the mortgage it wasn’t at a point in the marriage where she was thinking of leaving him. She had no reason to think she should use the money or ring fence it to prepare for a separation. Yes the marriage wasn’t in a particularly good state, but nowhere near the stage of thinking about leaving him. His behaviour towards her and the children has massively escalated over the last 18 months in particular hence why she has now reached the point of wanting to leave him.

She has no access to any money, any of his accounts, any bank statements or access to any of his online banking.

All she has is the child benefit money which he gives her in cash as it’s paid into his bank account. The allowance she used to get was also given to her in cash.

Personally I don’t think he will have much interest in seeing the children after they separate as he has very little interest in them or involvement in their life. My friend is aware he may request 50/50 access but she knows he wouldn’t actually want that and it would just be another way to hurt her.

Someone said it sounds like my friend quit work before they were married? I’m not sure if I somehow accidentally implied this, but she didn’t finish work until the birth of their first child. They both worked when they first met: he was at the start of his current profession and she worked in Admin, so not a particularly well-paid job compared to what he was earning at that point.

She gave up work after the first child was born as he said he wasn’t prepared to pay for childcare when there was a mother at home who could do the same job at no cost. I think at this point the controlling aspect of his personality had crept in to the point where she felt she had no right to question him or argue with him.

When the youngest child started school my friend began a college course to allow her to access her university course. She has been in study for almost four years now with another year to go.

Seeing as she had paid her own fees her husband agreed to support her goal on the understanding that although he would be responsible for paying the household bills, she must use the rest of her inheritance money to pay off the mortgage and then pay for everything else out of her allowance and take responsibility for the children (which she already did anyway).

She had always said that she didn’t want to go back into an average job and instead wanted to get a professional qualification and so when she received her inheritance that’s how she wanted to spend it with the rest being used to pay off the mortgage.

There is no inheritance money left.

The suggestion that he may be lying about his income left me feeling cold…..I’m now really concerned that it may be the case? As my friend has no access to any of the bank accounts or bank statements she has no idea what he earns and can only trust in what he tells her. She will be absolutely devastated if it comes out he has been lying to her all this time. It will just make the entire current financial scenario so much worse. She is completely in the dark.

Somebody also asked me what I meant when I said “He’s awful” and I just meant that he’s controlling, volatile, disinterested in his children, incredibly selfish, bad attitude towards women and generally just a big headed prick. I can’t stand him and nor can my husband. We used to go round there for meals and we always felt so uncomfortable. He thinks so much of himself and tries to portray the whole “I’m a great husband and father” role to anyone he’s with when the reality is very different. So fake. He’s vile.

In terms of the course she’s doing (I won’t go into details as I don’t want it to be possibly outing) it is related to health care but it isn’t nursing. Her course is primarily theory, so 4 days in the classroom, and then she has to do 8 hours supervised practice on the 5th day which is a typical 9-5 weekday shift.

I had no idea that there were so many options in terms of how the university could financially assist her and she’s never mentioned anything along those lines either so I’m guessing she doesn’t know it is an option. Thank you for the details surrounding this possible financial support and I will advise her to speak to the University about it rather than ask for a deferral.

She has previously told me that she is on the Deeds to the house so at least that’s something.

With regards to parents : hers live about 3 hours away and his parents live in France. She doesn’t have any siblings and so her only support is me and her other friend from her daughter’s hobby. She knows people through her Uni course but she isn’t close to any of them.

I work in benefits and she will be able to make a claim to Universal Credit and this will give her around £950 a month. UC will expect her to look for work due to the ages of her children. I’d suggest she get a sick note from her GP to cover her for the next few months and take the pressure off.
She will need to tell UC that her husband lives in the property but that they live completely separate l - don’t share food, cook for each other etc. The situation is quite common so tell her not to worry about claiming while they still live together x

Anyone can claim, and receive, child benefit no matter what their household income is. And, in the case of SAHM not earning, it is wise to do so as it keeps their NI record up to date for future state pension provision.

Don't worry though, they don't get to 'keep' it as such because the high earner - in this case the husband - will have to declare it on a tax return. The paid benefit will be clawed back via his tax code.

There’s been some strange advice and unhelpful comments on this thread. There is absolutely no question that this is a financial and emotionally abusive relationship. Your friend is being deprived of family money for herself and her children. It takes a particularly nasty type of bastard to keep his wife and children short of funds and to refuse to care for his kids in any way. He’s a very cruel person and she’ll be well rid of him but it will take a while for her to see this clearly.

Your friend needs to speak to Women’s Aid, a solicitor, the police and her university. Women’s Aid may be able to recommend a suitable solicitor. You can really help by being with her and supporting her while she makes the calls.

Not RTFT. Womens Aid in my area have access to solicitors who offer time FOC for domestic abuse, including financial (which is rarely the only type of abuse going on). So definately get in touch with Womens Aid

Seeing as she had paid her own fees her husband agreed to support her goal on the understanding that although he would be responsible for paying the household bills, she must use the rest of her inheritance money to pay off the mortgage and then pay for everything else out of her allowance and take responsibility for the children (which she already did anyway).

As I predicted. He coerced her into paying off the mortgage, and effectively trapped her penniless. OP, how much of the house value did she pay off versus his payment of the mortgage, do you know? I wonder if she might get the house outright if she's in fact both paid for most of it and can prove she was unable to work because of him, and unsupported financially by him for anything other than the very basics. Or at least the right to live there until the kids are of age, with a sale delayed until that time.

I don’t know about all this. I’m not sure how long they’d lived in the house for before she got the inheritance, or how much the house had cost when they’d bought it etc. I don’t know inheritance she got either but I imagine it was a nice amount if it can cover all her years of training and paid off the mortgage (albeit four years ago when the house wasn’t worth as much).

I’ve never really enquired this deep into her financial history as it would have felt quite inappropriate and to be fair I had no reason to know. She may tell me more about it now though seeing as this nightmare has unfolded. I sharnt ask her about it when I see her but she may disclose some of the details herself.

shit. Thats not good that the child benefit comes to him, because that means her NI payments havent been paid towards her pension.

And of course he got worse in the last 18 months, as he realised she was getting some independance.

People seem to be missing the parts that she isnt able to access any bank accounts/money - that in itself is financial abuse - she is beholden to his whims to give her money as she sees fit. And with him earning so much she would not have previously been entitled to a maintanance loan for her course, but now, as a single parent, she will.

As a single parent she would also be entitled to apply for maintanance for the children from him - which stands seperately to any UC / student finance she may be entitled to.

Shouting and making everyone walk on eggshells is also abuse. She could look into occupation orders, but would probably be advised to speak to the police / womens aid, as well as her university

@SheIsStuck23 inheritance is not considered part of matrimonial assets. no idea about what happens if she has paid off mortgage with it but she definitely needs to speak to a solicitor about that. there will be proof of that payment somewhere. Do not nominate that father for dad of the year.

People seem to be missing the parts that she isnt able to access any bank accounts/money - that in itself is financial abuse - she is beholden to his whims to give her money as she sees fit. And with him earning so much she would not have previously been entitled to a maintanance loan for her course, but now, as a single parent, she will.

They aren't missing it at all, it's just the usual suspects doing what they always do. I'm sure OP knows to just ignore them.

In addition to the excellent advice given by others, OP, if it's possible to have the kids sometimes, then I'm sure that will help her enormously too.

@SheIsStuck23

Your friend's main priority is to have a one off consultation with a divorce lawyer and also contact Women's Aid. Everything else will follow from what they advise.

My DH controls the money (so I understand) but I was able to save enough for the one hour consultation. Once you know what you are entitled to legally can give you the strength/knowledge to leave. Would you be prepared to pay for this hour for her? Mine cost £200 but others in my area would have charged less. I think this would help her the most if you can afford to gift it to her.

and it is likely, she must be prepared for, him to ask for 50-50 of the contact with the children, so as to avoid the cost on himeslf.

HOWEVER - judges do like to keep the kids as the status quo, so she needs to start gathering all evidence that he refuses to look after them - if she has any texts etc where he states he wont do any childcare at weekends / evenings etc that will really help her. He is very very unlikely to get anything more than every other weekend and a night midweek
He actually is very unlikely to actually take that either, especially if he doesnt have family to palm them off on.
He is very very unlikely to want half the holidays, so that also will need to be ruled out.

This gives her a starting point regarding responsibility for the children the majority of the time, which is used in calculating percentages of breakdown for divvying up the assets. As others have said - if kids are not that old, that is a long time responsible, which, given his lack of equal parenting, has an impact on her earnings. Furthermore her contribution of the inheritance as a percentage of what she had is huge compared to what he is likely pulling in each year, and which is likely to grow further.

The fact that he has taken the child benefit and the hit that has likely had on her state pension will be looked at in regards his own pension.

Which also highlights another issue - she needs to get that child benefit paid to her as soon as possible, because without that going into her account, which proves she is the main carer (FFS the whole idea of child benefit being paid to mothers was to stop this kind of thing from controlling men) and that means that the kids are counted on her claim for UC.

I absolutely would gift her the money and my husband is in full agreement as he’s horrified. Trying to get my friend to accept it is another matter.

I’m going to talk to her again about this when I see her at the end of the week and considering things seem to be getting worse each day then I am hoping she will now accept it.

I’m not sure why folks are arguing financial abuse. Are people really saying that she can go to the police and say I left my husband, we are now separated. I still live in the home. He pays fully for the house, bills and all my food. But he’s not giving me an allowance any more so I feel this is financial abuse?

I find that mind boggling.

Thankfully 90% of their communication is via text (as he primarily refuses to converse with her) so she has a lot of evidence about his general disinterest in their children.

Can you support her to open her own bank account? That's a start. Then look at claiming benefits and getting CB paid directly to her. He can't actually stop her opening her own bank account.