To think he can’t get away with this? Marriage breakdown.

[SheIsStuck23]

I posted this on the Relationship board yesterday but only got two replies so I’m now posting it here because I’m desperate for help and advice.

I’m posting because of all the fantastic knowledge and support that is offered on here to women who want to escape shitty relationships and because I don’t know how to help my friend.

I’m going to see her in a few days time and I would love to be able to give her some guidance.

The back story of her and her husband:

Together for 13 years.
Married for 7 years.
They have two children aged 11 and 8

My friend was a SAHM until the youngest started school and then she started a college course in order to get into a career. She should get her qualification late next year.

Her husband works in banking and she thinks he earns about £95k.

My friend has never had any access to his earnings and all she has had since the birth of their first child eleven years ago is a monthly “allowance” that he gives her, as well as the child benefit.

He pays for the mortgage and bills and keeps the rest of his earnings to himself.

Their marriage has been very rocky for about 3-4 years (he’s awful) and a few months ago my friend told her husband that she didn’t want to be with him anymore. He made lots of promises about how he’d change (which he’s already been promising for many years with nothing changing) but she said enough is enough.

A year or so ago she had suggested marriage counselling but he wouldn’t pay for it and still won’t.

Their house is worth £400k and she wants to put it on the market but she knows he won’t agree. They are still living there together (separate rooms) and my friend says the atmosphere is just horrendous. She wants to start divorce proceedings but is terrified about how he will react and she doesn’t have access to any money to pay solicitor fees anyway.

He has now stopped giving her a monthly allowance (out of spite I imagine) and so all she has now each month is the child benefit money. She has to use this to buy things for herself and for the children, and for her travel costs back and forth to college.

He’s treating her so badly and it’s just a mess. It’s just awful. He’s telling their daughters that my friend wants to break up the family and he’s the victim…..

Surely he can’t get away with this?

She has no other family nearby and she feels completely trapped.

How can I help her

This is financial abuse and she may be entitled to legal aid because of this. Although legal aid is practically non existent now, there are organisations that can help dependant on the situation. Most family law firms offer a free 30 minute appt so your friend could get some fundamental advice about claims on his assets, property and arrangements for the children.

Your friend should also be entitled to Universal Credit if and when they separate so she won't need to give up her college course, particularly if it has already been paid for. I would encourage her to continue with the course as this is the conduit to her future long term earning potential.

The reality of her immediate future is that the next few years will be hard but in a different way to what she is already enduring and she needs to be mentally prepared for that. Not just for her but for the children aswell. The change for them may have long term effects.

Citizens advice are great for helping with UC claims and the like but she really does need proper legal advice for the other stuff.

She needs to see her personal tutor and ask about the possibility of suspending her course if it gets too stressful though it is only a few more months. She can also speak to the Student Union. I worked in higher education for 28 years, this is what she can actually do.

She also needs to see a solicitor, as much as it’s upsetting people tend to get their knickers in a twist and give a lot of incorrect advice. She will be able to get 30 minutes free advice from a solicitor, she needs to make sure this is offered free when booking. I advised a friend to do this recently. She needs to go to the best firm locally as it stops him being able to use them as it’s a conflict of interest. My friend got 30 helpful minutes armed with a list of questions, they wanted £500 PH after that.

Depending on how clever this man is he could hide assets, take a drop in salary and take dividends if it’s his own business, give up work temporarily or move overseas. I know women who this has happened to. The higher the pay scale the more contacts and access to advice men have. Plus if someone is earning a lot in theory they should be intelligent and being intelligent has nothing to do with having compassion, women as well obviously but this thread is about financially vulnerable SAHM.

Edit : this was meant to be a response to a comment saying she should have got a job and the husband was right to be angry as he'd been paying her way 😟

It's her own fault she's in an abusive situation? The guy has a right to be angry the person he's abusing wants to leave him?

Get a grip!

@lightningstrikes
Yes!!! WOMEN'S AID were brilliant with my daughter: they give all sorts of help.
It's literally for any woman....my daughter was a professional person/older mum, late 30s.
They meet up with you in a coffee shop etc and everything is confidential.
Also a SOLICITOR.
DH will no doubt try to gaslight her into thinking that she won't get anything but SHE WILL!!
Good luck!

I believe that if there is abuse you do have the option to veto any mediation. However she seems to be reluctant to acknowledge the abuse, and suspect she is twitchy about womens aid, who would be a fountain of support/advice/signposting to solicitors who absolutely understand the tactics played by these kinds of men.
It could be because she isnt really ready to acknowledge it as abuse, and equally she seems terrified of upsetting him - which is a sign in itself. She isnt going to get through this without upsetting him, well not unless she literally walks away with nothing.
Perhaps frame it as getting what the CHILDREN deserve. Because yes, she will be likley responsible for her own care and support - spousal support is not usually given, although I have known a few to receive it - but the children deserve exactly the best support that they can get - which means her absolutely going to the fairest settlement that she can get, and being supported by the best solicitor that she can find - one who is fully understanding of the sadly common techniques used by abusers when their partner tries to leave.
she could probably do with a copy of Lundy Bancrofts 'why does he do that' to read, preferably on a kindle, so that he cant find it. Things are likely to get quite unpleasant, quite quickly, although thank goodness she has opened up to her parents and has their support. She may need to be prepared to either go there or find somewhere else to live in the short term because this could be a very dangerous time for him.

Is the course full time ?
If so she won't be forced to get a job.
She needs to speak to women's aid
If she left she' can make claims for cb, child tax credits and csa.
Look into getting student grants and loans too.
There doesn't seem to be a lot of sympathy on here.
If he gets nasty then she should contact the police.

Women's aid first...

Just to say that Child Benefit is NOT means tested - and your friend unfortunately is an example of the very reason for this, and that it is paid to the mother.

I am in similar situation here,but still thinking. Getting a job isn't so easy as you think. If you haven't got relatives to help you out with the child care ,kids relatively still are young so any half term she needs time off,child care costs are horrendous and high household income stops her from getting extra financial support. If she takes child allowance he probably pays already extra tax on end of the year. This is usually similar amount as the allowance value. Nevertheless this is psychological abuse,including financial abuse. If its proven this bastard should be in prison. If she stays off work because she's is upbringing kids they are by law equal and he's stopping her from having her own money ,as I guess she does do everything else at home.

This is coercive control. She needs to speak to the police who will help, even if she decides not to press charges. She definitely can get out and there's lots of help out there now for this type of abuse. Leeway is brilliant and can signpost to others. Do not feel guilty for going to college and trying to improve your chances of taking care of yourself and your children. You have done nothing wrong and I'm guessing there will be a lot that's not been shared.

I'm not sure CAB will be much use.

This is clear financial abuse and coercion so WA and even Rights of Woman will be likely better for relevant advice.

They can actually live separately and so long as she does nothing for him she can claim UC as a single parent - I think even as a full time student she may be eligible to do this which is why Student Support Services at the uni are best places to help. They may even have accommodation her and the DC can move into.

Suggest she calls woman’s aid, maybe self-referral to social services.

She can claim Universal Credit for herself, the children and rent if she moves out (but only up to the level of the Local Housing Allowance based on how many bedrooms she is entitled to, the local authority webpage will give you the number of bedrooms and the LHA amounts)
She will also be entitled to the Child Benefit.
She should also claim student finance for a maintainance loan as this will be deducted from her UC whether she receives it or not.
Obviously she needs to take advice about what she will receive in a divorce, but my understanding is a share of the assets and an amount based on his pension? Once settled that may mean her UC then stops because of savings unless she uses it to buy a home or is awarded the current property?

That's the point. It is a one sided account. If a man had posted that here, I promise you the usual suspects would be saying 'I would like to hear from the wife'

@SheIsStuck23 I would go with PP recommendations of organisations that currently give good support to women.
Ten years ago, I had a very disheartening experience with a large DV charity that was more focused on getting money in than helping people. Your friend is lucky to have you but needs not to be squeamish about the name above the door, but who is best placed to help. Good luck to you both.

National domestic abuse helpline.
Financial abuse.
She can present as homeless to any council in the country. (Fleeing domestic abuse and controlling behaviour)
It's a hard experience but she is already in terrible situation

As to child benefit, anyone over a certain amount (which £95000pa) is way over), essentially gets it recovered via their tax allowance and this will already be happening and its how its meant to work. The reason for this is that while child benefit is being paid (even if recovered thru the tax allowance), the mother will get national insurance contributions credits that count towards her retirement pension and future benefits to compensate for not being able to work. So tell her not to mention it, she isn't doing anything wrong and but she does need legal advice, he is being a jerk! Not only is it financial abuse, its mental abuse with the way he manipulates the kids and weaponises the situation.

Can you imagine the cries of "cocklodger" and "why should she support someone who is divorcing her!?" if the exact situation were presented but with the genders flipped?

We don't need to imagine anything, Laurie. We've got you.

Well go on then. What are the holes?

Go on what?

I would like to understand from the OP why he is so terrible and what she has done as well, I'm sure she isn't perfect.

Well my friend had a phone consultation with a solicitor today who has said that in terms of the monthly allowance, her husband is still obliged to keep giving it to her until she has finished her training and possibly for longer as it’s a form of ongoing spousal maintenance. The solicitor said it may be that her husband is legally obligated to pay that allowance until the divorce is finalised and all the house sale monies have been shared out in a way that is considered fair.

The solicitor also said that it’s likely my friend will be awarded more than 50% of the assets.

The phone call today was just for the solicitor to get an overview of what’s happening and they have a face to face consult next week to go into things in much more detail.

In the interim the Solicitor is writing to my friend’s husband to inform him that legally he is required to continue with the monthly allowance until told otherwise and also inform him of what he needs to do in order for my friend to be able to claim the child benefit instead of the payments going to him.

My friend hasn’t told her husband yet that she’s spoken to a solicitor because she knows he’s going to hit the roof 😬

Good result, sounds like a good solicitor. I wish your friend the best.

Well if this thread doesn’t demonstrate why he’s awful then I don’t know what else I can say.

And in terms of what my friend has done wrong it’s naively trusting him and not getting out a lot sooner.

Yeah I have seen what he has done, its not good. I would like to understand what she has done.

These things aren't always as clear cut as they seem.

Well what is it you think she has done?

You clearly think she’s done something otherwise you wouldn’t keep saying you want to know what she’s done? 🤷‍♀️