To think he can’t get away with this? Marriage breakdown.

[SheIsStuck23]

I posted this on the Relationship board yesterday but only got two replies so I’m now posting it here because I’m desperate for help and advice.

I’m posting because of all the fantastic knowledge and support that is offered on here to women who want to escape shitty relationships and because I don’t know how to help my friend.

I’m going to see her in a few days time and I would love to be able to give her some guidance.

The back story of her and her husband:

Together for 13 years.
Married for 7 years.
They have two children aged 11 and 8

My friend was a SAHM until the youngest started school and then she started a college course in order to get into a career. She should get her qualification late next year.

Her husband works in banking and she thinks he earns about £95k.

My friend has never had any access to his earnings and all she has had since the birth of their first child eleven years ago is a monthly “allowance” that he gives her, as well as the child benefit.

He pays for the mortgage and bills and keeps the rest of his earnings to himself.

Their marriage has been very rocky for about 3-4 years (he’s awful) and a few months ago my friend told her husband that she didn’t want to be with him anymore. He made lots of promises about how he’d change (which he’s already been promising for many years with nothing changing) but she said enough is enough.

A year or so ago she had suggested marriage counselling but he wouldn’t pay for it and still won’t.

Their house is worth £400k and she wants to put it on the market but she knows he won’t agree. They are still living there together (separate rooms) and my friend says the atmosphere is just horrendous. She wants to start divorce proceedings but is terrified about how he will react and she doesn’t have access to any money to pay solicitor fees anyway.

He has now stopped giving her a monthly allowance (out of spite I imagine) and so all she has now each month is the child benefit money. She has to use this to buy things for herself and for the children, and for her travel costs back and forth to college.

He’s treating her so badly and it’s just a mess. It’s just awful. He’s telling their daughters that my friend wants to break up the family and he’s the victim…..

Surely he can’t get away with this?

She has no other family nearby and she feels completely trapped.

How can I help her

In response to all those saying that now they have split up she is not entitled to any of his salary and that he is not financially abusing her by refusing to give her a share his salary ……….. you have totally missed the point that this man has been ploughing his salary into savings (OP said that) due to the fact that he is living mortgage free (thanks to his wife who paid off the mortgage with inheritance).
There must be thousands in savings and they are married and that means half the savings belong to her. He is refusing her access to her half of the money in the savings account. This is in order to punish her and stop her seeking legal advice. This is 100% financially abusive.

From some of the posts I read it as In this isn’t the first month but my mistake if this is the first month without the allowance. But cb isn’t £160 a week either.

She absolutely should not give up her college course. Education is the way to a better life and she’ll have a professional qualification which she can build on in the future.
Several things she can do:
look for an educational grant. There are some charities that provide them. She needs to Google charitable education grants for adults or similar wording.
Speak to student support services at college, they may be able to help with legal advice.
Speak to Women’s Aid , there might me a similar organisation local to her and again she might get some free legal advice.

Well, it sounds as though she hasn't been working for at least a decade and he's had all of the financial pressure all this time, anyway. So nothing really changed when she enrolled in her training course.

If she had gotten a job two or three years ago instead of "training" she wouldn't be so at his mercy (or about to go on benefits) now.

I don't know about Gardentime but personally I think the term "abuse" is bandied about too freely.

Is he an asshole? Yes. Is she entitled to half of their marital assets? Yes. But is she, who hasn't had to work in more than a decade, being "abused" because she wants the man she's dumped to continue to financially support her? Not in my opinion.

Agree with @Mymilkshakebringsallthepapstomycar

If she can steel herself and stay until she completes her course that's honestly the best because it should put her in a situation where she (and DC) can move out as soon as she gets a job. It's not easy, but it can be done if you can put your mindset to the future rather than the present. Obviously if he presents a physical danger she needs to leave now, even if she ends up in a shelter. It's not to say that one type of abuse is 'worse' than another, just that emotional/financial abuse can be 'easier' to tolerate in order to achieve a goal that will insure your future independence. I've been in similar circumstances in an abusive marriage and I chose to wait and walk on cracking ice, although not as long as OP will wait to finish school, in order to get rid of my exH and know that I'd be fine, financially. Yes, I had to grit my teeth and power through but in the end it was worth what I went through. A few extra months of hell that has resulted in 40+ years of a wonderful life.

Only OP's friend can decide if she is the type to be able to withstand his bullshit for the rest of her schooling. But the other option is to quit school and then what? He's made it damned clear that he is not going to facilitate her getting a job in any way so she's going to have to earn enough to cover living expenses + childcare (of course he'll hopefully have to pay maintenance). Will she get a well paying job based on her current experience? If she felt she'd earn enough to walk away without further training she'd have done it already.

Wow this is really sad 😔

I'm actually agog at some of the replies on here. So much misinformation and people who seem to think it's still the 50s. She is absolutely entitled to some of the finances, she has provided free labour and childcare and enabled him to progress his career.

I'm so sorry to hear what your friend has gone through. First of all do encourage her to contact Womens Aid as they can help more than she might think. They can also help her access legal advice if her husband is withholding access to finances.

I'm guessing her course is now at uni? If so, she can look at applying for a maintenance loan however I think she may not be able to do this until they're living separately. She absolutely can claim UC, and as a full time student they turn off the 'work commitments' so you are not expected to look for work. Additionally, when you have left an abusive relationship they can turn off your work commitments for a certain amount of time while you get back on your feet (however you'd usually need to give them some kind of proof such as a letter from a domestic abuse support service or a police report, etc).

There will be support available through uni. They should have a welfare service, if she contacts them they can direct her to the team who are best placed to help. Alternatively even if she feels able to speak to one of her lecturers about this, they will usually know where to direct her for help. She absolutely CAN carry on with her studies, even despite all this. I've been through a lot of this (there's many similarities with your friend's situation), I can't say too much as regardless of how many times I name change etc a certain person still seems to somehow know everything I post on here 😐but she really can do it. She needs the right support and advice though. Good luck to her and I'm glad she has you for support!

I'm actually agog at some of the replies on here.

They are coming from the same places as they always do, with the same motivation and same levels of reason, knowledge and decency. Treat them with the respect they deserve.

The student finance people at her uni will be able to advise her about financial help and benefits, and some Uni's have hardship funds, bursaries etc that she might be able to apply for.

And she needs to see a solicitor asap.

I've been there with my ex. I never told him I was receiving DLA for our children. I saved it to have enough for a deposit on a private rent. I never told him what I was planning. Though family knew and helped me prepare. With removal costs and buying new beds for the children the day I left I had £29 to live off. But I was the happiest I had been in years.

She needs to get out of there ASAP that's no way to live. Are you nearby? Think a refuge is her best option if there's nobody she can stay with.

There’s no guarantee that there’s any money in the savings account. OP said he has new cars, flash holidays, designer clothes, if he’s not paying a mortgage he can easily be paying for all this stuff in cash.

There are plenty of high earners with nothing to show for it.

My eXH is a high earner, but he used to spend the money he earned on the best holidays, on the greatest tech, and we did have a mortgage etc.

Fortunately my eXH wasn’t a bastard where money was concerned but if he had been the best I coul have hoped for would have been equity in the house.

At the end of the day leaving a relationship, even if it’s the right thing to do, comes at a price.

And while it’s easy to say the OP will be entitled to this and that, we all know that this isn’t how it happens all too often.

How many people on here have ex’s who pay no maintenance, even higher earning ones.

As I’ve stated upthread but which people seem to have ignored, as he is claiming the CB in his name she won’t be entitled to it unless he stops his claim so she can claim it in her own right.

She says that there’s no mortgage but the DH controls all the money, there’s no knowing that there aren’t debts secured against the house.

She needs to hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. And unfortunately the worst means she may have to give up her course and get a job to support herself. Because even if she does gain from him financially, it’s likely to take years, and she has to live in the meantime.

because if he has claimed it in his own name, it means that she cant leave, because there is no way she can support herself and the children on just a single persons UC - the child benefit is a gateway benefit to the child element of UC, and, as the OP has said, possibly an enhanced rate if one has medical problems and may be in recipt of DLA, and also allows her, as a single parent, to claim UC as a student.
It also means that she effectively is going to be without a state pension, because her NI contributions, which come from being the named recipient of CB, are not being paid by the government, so she would be financially dependant on him in old age.
If he has done this deliberately (and given that the forms are usually given to the mother to complete precisely to prevent this from happening) then Id say his financial control is extremely calculated and long term

Hi Laurie just wanted to ask do you have no females to talk to so you have to post goading words to illicit a response from women.

Sorry I don't follow how your response relates to what I am saying?

Yes - if he has claimed CB then that is an issue.

I was assuming she had claimed CB, but there are concerns over whether her spouse is completing the required self assessment and paying it back (unlikly) based on the earnings mentioned in the OP.

She can claim CB and not take the money if there is a chance she will have to pay it back. She can also claim regardless and take the money if she is separated from her DH and also claim UC etc.

We have no idea whether he’s doing the self assessment to declare the CB. TBH I imagine that working in banking it’s likely that he is, because he would need to be seen to be squeaky clean.

She would be able to claim CB in her own right if she was single, but only if he agrees to close his claim. If he doesn’t, she won’t be entitled to claim CB, or be entitled to the child element of universal credit.

If. He’s as abusive as she says he is, then it’s unlikely he’ll allow her to claim CB in her own right. And without that she’s basically screwed.

She needs to get details of all the financial accounts they both have, current, savings, pensions, shares, take photocopies or photos, and take birth certificates, marriage certificates, passports, then she needs to leave

I can't believe some of the comments on here regarding not working for a decade - caring for children and a home is work - it is just undervalued.
Regarding student finance: if she puts a claim in for universal credit and is a student at university, they will treat her claim as if she has student finance regardless and reduce the amount accordingly.
Even if her fees have been paid, she should apply for the maintainence loan and grant. There is a grant for childcare if needed.

I see - in that case she must contact the child benefit folks and get it changed. No way would I allow my DH to claim it. What the hell? Eleanor Rathbone MP didn’t fight for 30 years to get family allowance brought in to have it paid to a man. She refused to support the bill until it was amended to state that it would be paid to the mother.

She will need his agreement to have the CB paid to her.

In order for her to claim the CB he will first need to withdraw his claim and she will then need to claim in her own right.

ONE of the reasons im child free by choice is because of the attitudes on this thread.. Im 50 so i made that decision 30 years ago.

The birth rate has plummeted. But im sure the attitudes shown towards the OPs friend will help reverse it 🙄

I went to visit my friend last night and we had a really good chat and I shared with her all the information that I’ve been given on here.

The biggest breakthrough was that I convinced her to call her parents and explain what was happening. They have transferred £1’000 to her account to pay off her overdraft and to help cover her for the next months, and they are going to pay for her to see a solicitor. They are hoping to get her an appointment with one either tomorrow or Saturday but I don’t know feasible it is to be seen so quickly.

My friend was feeling more positive after speaking to her parents because now the wheels have been put in motion and at least her immediate financial concerns have eased.

I did mention calling Woman’s Aid but she got very nervous at the suggestion. She has agreed to called the CAB though.

So yes, although things are still messy she’s hoping that things will be much clearer when she’s spoken to the solicitor.

I would have her contact a woman's charity eg womens aid. Its financial abuse minimum and they have vast experience at supporting women escape toxic relationships and could probably put her in touch with legal advice that would make sure she got what she was entitled to and not bullied. Just because her husband has squirreled away their money... don't let that out her off. In event of a divorce she is still entitled to half at least if she is the primary care giver to the kids. Her family role this past decade has allowed him to earn that money while she toiled at home for free...she is entitled to her share. Good luck ❤️

OP, I have no useful contributions but I just wanted to say how lucky your friend is to have you in her corner. Your support and advice will make a huge difference to her, well done.

I for one look forward to an update if/when she gets free of these bastard's clutches and hopefully takes him to the cleaners, and starts a new life with her children and a new job. Please wish her the best from us.

In terms of the marriage its a long term marriage due to the period of time.
When I did mine the first shock was during to the length of time is the starting point is straight down the middle in the eyes of the court.
Then you start to look at the circumstances.
So him paying an allowance amd letting her stay at home in her favour, two kids again maintenance in her favour.
She may well have to go to financial mediation to get through this which given he has savings I would recommend because they will check statements etc and make sure they identify pensions, savings etc that she is entitled to view.

Best of luck to your friend, the best thing she can do is keep calm and be the bigger party and not let this show with the kids as financial and children arrangements are separate.