To think he can’t get away with this? Marriage breakdown.

[SheIsStuck23]

I posted this on the Relationship board yesterday but only got two replies so I’m now posting it here because I’m desperate for help and advice.

I’m posting because of all the fantastic knowledge and support that is offered on here to women who want to escape shitty relationships and because I don’t know how to help my friend.

I’m going to see her in a few days time and I would love to be able to give her some guidance.

The back story of her and her husband:

Together for 13 years.
Married for 7 years.
They have two children aged 11 and 8

My friend was a SAHM until the youngest started school and then she started a college course in order to get into a career. She should get her qualification late next year.

Her husband works in banking and she thinks he earns about £95k.

My friend has never had any access to his earnings and all she has had since the birth of their first child eleven years ago is a monthly “allowance” that he gives her, as well as the child benefit.

He pays for the mortgage and bills and keeps the rest of his earnings to himself.

Their marriage has been very rocky for about 3-4 years (he’s awful) and a few months ago my friend told her husband that she didn’t want to be with him anymore. He made lots of promises about how he’d change (which he’s already been promising for many years with nothing changing) but she said enough is enough.

A year or so ago she had suggested marriage counselling but he wouldn’t pay for it and still won’t.

Their house is worth £400k and she wants to put it on the market but she knows he won’t agree. They are still living there together (separate rooms) and my friend says the atmosphere is just horrendous. She wants to start divorce proceedings but is terrified about how he will react and she doesn’t have access to any money to pay solicitor fees anyway.

He has now stopped giving her a monthly allowance (out of spite I imagine) and so all she has now each month is the child benefit money. She has to use this to buy things for herself and for the children, and for her travel costs back and forth to college.

He’s treating her so badly and it’s just a mess. It’s just awful. He’s telling their daughters that my friend wants to break up the family and he’s the victim…..

Surely he can’t get away with this?

She has no other family nearby and she feels completely trapped.

How can I help her

Ignore @Tinklyheadtilt, they’re one of those posters. 😂

This is brilliant.

"I can't think of anything she might have done wrong BUT THERE MUST BE SOMETHING BECAUSE WOMAN DAMMIT"

Please please tell her to consider being at her parents with the children or having someone there when she tells him, as this is the most dangerous time when things can escalate very quickly. It's so important that she does this.

She has arranged to go to her parents house tomorrow night once the girls have finished school, so they will all be there when the solicitor’s letter arrives on Saturday. She is worried she’s “wimping out” (her words) by not telling him that’s she spoken to a solicitor and not being there when his letter arrives, but she’s too worried to be around him when he reads it.

I have asked her if he’s ever physically hurt her but she denies it and says with him it’s all manipulation and intimidation.

sections 75 and 76 (I think) of the Serious Crime Act 2015: coercive control. Incredibly difficult to prove but no need for physical violence.

Honestly it's irrelevant if he's been physical before or not. It's a real risk and she's doing the right thing. She must be careful if he appears to take it way better than expected. I cannot emphasise enough the statistics for how dangerous this point is for her AND the children. Up until now he's been in control and probably thinks she won't do it and that's part of the money withholding. He'll think she didn't have the money to get to this stage.

He’s never had a particularly close relationship with her parents from what she’s told me so he won’t be happy that she’s got them involved. I think he's had her under his control for so long that he’s not going to know how to manage this situation when he realises that she’s braver than he thinks.

Exactly and he will try to tell her (if he hasn't been already), that they are turning her against him. This controlling behaviour is very rarely unique, they all sing from the same hymn sheet but please check the statistics for the danger time, when you first try to leave. I'm not trying to frighten you or her but she must keep herself and the children safe. As I said before, the biggest red flag is if he appears to accept it and requests a final family day or time with the children alone. If you haven't guessed, I was her. Now over a decade free but only because the police and other organisations helped me through this initial separation part.

@SheIsStuck23

I'm so glad she's starting to take action. And so glad she confided in her parents.

As far as her going to her parents for 'the letter', she should consider taking her important papers, precious & valuable small items, a few extra clothes for herself and the DC, and some personal care items to keep there. Or if you consent, she should take those things to be stored at your house. At any rate, they should be out of the house where he can't get at or destroy things important to her and so she'll have clothing and personal care items if she needs to leave in a hurry. She believes he'd never get violent but he is a nasty piece of work. It may never get bad enough for her to make a sudden exit, but it's better to be prepared.

She also may want to consider starting to see a counselor who specializes in abusive relationships. They may be able to give her coping mechanisms and tools to 'withstand' him until she can get out. It can also give her a safe place to vent and get angry in safety.

This sounds like financial abuse..big time. She sounds like she is being held prisoner in her own home!
Point 1..it would be a good idea to complete the course.
Yes, talk to the college support services worker for advice and urge her to get counselling for her.
2 : look into women's charities who support abused women: - she is one! She would be entitled to legal aid if abuse can be proven..so a divorce may be possible, especially if she was to be claiming benefits/ on a low or no income due to the so -called partner denying her access to money for her needs.
Look up charities and lawyers who do undertake pro bono cases. It really is a tough situation, but also speak to the banks and other financial institutions to tell them she is a victim of abuse..as they will have fast track access to the Citizens advice bureaux. She needs her own sole name bank account also!
What a charmer she is married to, if he cant/wont bond with or care for his own children!!
She needs to TELL those in authority what is going on before she considers other drastic measures!

Well done for being a mate and caring , too!!

I'm pretty sure that even if their still living in the same house she can apply for benefits as a single person;she could potentially claim CM payments from him.

She could also apply for an occupancy order for the home and then get a mesher order which means he'd still have to pay the mortgage til the youngest is out of full time education.

I strongly suspect he earns more than he says too.

She needs to call women's aid as she's a victim of domestic abuse as he's financially abusing her and the children.

Other places that could offer advice

Citizens advice
Gingerbread (a charity to help single parents)
Shelter (a housing charity)

She has absolutely nothing to lose by calling them.

It's exceptionally rare to get a Mesher order.

I think she needs to listen to her instincts. She says he isnt violent, but she is obviously still very frightened of him. That means by raising his voice and possibly throwing things about, she has done what she was told - he hasnt NEEDED to be violent, his temper is enough to keep her in check.

But everything has changed now, and she has not only confided in her parents, she has taken actual real world steps to leave him, and to challenge his narrative, which means she is walking into whole new territory, and she cannot guarantee what he may do and how he may react to gain control - because believe me, this man has almost total control of your friend here.

She needs to be very very careful. He appears to have no interest in the children, which either is a good thing or a very bad thing. Good in that he wont bother with them, which is obviously sad, because they will not have a positive relationship with their father (which OP by no means needs to try to maintain) or bad in that he is a cold heartless bastard who will try to use them as pawns to hurt her for disobeying him. My fears tend towards the latter, due to his psychological and emotional abuse of them already - blaming mummy for wanting to break up the family, blaming mummy for being selfish and caring more about her wants, for getting to Uni, than their hobbies. In which case she should seriously consider staying at her parents, because he COULD seriously hurt them as they are precious to her.

Well that's quite a blank sheet of paper isn't it? The point is your account is very one eyed and not once have you said anywhere where your friend has any kind of responsibility for this marriage breakdown.

Lol ignore someone then @ them. Classic mumsnet 😂

The misandry is strong with this one.

Damn straight. I laughed at your pathetic attempt to put a woman in the wrong for things you couldn't even make up and now I'm after your testicles, such as they are, just as soon as I've finished beating my husband with a frying pan. Damn, you saw through me, Superdude!

Incidentally, we seem to be having another influx of these guys, they're swarming over other threads too. Does anyone know why? I don't think we've made fun of that Gentlemen4Hire website for ages so it can't be that, unless I missed it?

Lol never even said I was a man. Get your facts straight before you angry type again sister! 😂

Again, wasn't putting anyone in the wrong, just find it hard to believe she is 100% blameless and the guy is totally in the wrong. Where is your evidence to the contrary?

Again, never said I was a man. I just like to hear both sides, especially here where double standards are so strong when it comes to male/female fault.

You don't need to say it. One of the others tried to imply he was a woman and then made up a story in which people thought pregnancy took three years. Maybe you are new here.

However, if you want to hear both sides, you'll be better off going to a forum where people don't post about their relationship troubles unless both of them are willing and available to do so. If you find one, let me know. In the meantime, coming on here and whining because you don't get "both sides" when you can't even invent a reason for the woman to be wrong but are sure she must be somehow... Mate, I know you all think you're going to be the one to outdo us and correct us and show us the error of our ways, but you're just going to have to trust me when I say the conveyor belt is loooooong.

Maybe it was a punters' website? Did we piss take one of those recently?

Do you think all women play a role in marriage breakdown then?

Do you think that about women who leave a marriage because he’s been cheating on her? Or he’s gambled all their money away? Or she’s found out he’s a drug dealer? Or he’s abusive to the children? You always assume that no matter what he’s done wrong, it is always partly the woman’s fault too?

And what about a woman who leaves her marriage because her husband has been physically assaulting her? Do you ask her what she did wrong too? Mind you, maybe you’d be best placed to ask the husband in those situations what his wife did wrong that made him hit her…..he’ll no doubt give you lots of reasons.

Anyhow, when I see my friend tomorrow I will be sure to ask her what she has been doing wrong and how the marriage breakdown is her fault and I shall let you know 👍

This is financial abuse, which can also be reported to the police as a crime.

Your friend should see a few solicitors for an initial consultation - the first half hour is usually free - and explain the situation. Hopefully she will click with one of them and they will be able to agree a fee arrangement where the solicitor gets paid out of her eventual financial settlement. The starting point would be that she is entitled to half the marital assets.

Can you offer to go with her to see a solicitor? I'm sure she could use some practical support.

Perhaps you could also offer to look after anything she wants out of the house for safekeeping when she decides to take the plunge and file for divorce. Things like her birth certificate and passport, possibly her children's passports, any financial information she can get her hands on, photos and family heirlooms which couldn't be replaced if her husband decides to dispose of them out of spite.

Again just assumption on your part. When I see double standards I will call that out.

I have seen it countless times the other way round when a man posts and various women say I would like to hear the woman's side. Sorry that is awkward for you to deal with.

I think it is very rare than a split is 100% one sides fault. You have done a hit job on the guy here but I simply find it unlikely the entire breakdown is down to him.