To think he can’t get away with this? Marriage breakdown.

[SheIsStuck23]

I posted this on the Relationship board yesterday but only got two replies so I’m now posting it here because I’m desperate for help and advice.

I’m posting because of all the fantastic knowledge and support that is offered on here to women who want to escape shitty relationships and because I don’t know how to help my friend.

I’m going to see her in a few days time and I would love to be able to give her some guidance.

The back story of her and her husband:

Together for 13 years.
Married for 7 years.
They have two children aged 11 and 8

My friend was a SAHM until the youngest started school and then she started a college course in order to get into a career. She should get her qualification late next year.

Her husband works in banking and she thinks he earns about £95k.

My friend has never had any access to his earnings and all she has had since the birth of their first child eleven years ago is a monthly “allowance” that he gives her, as well as the child benefit.

He pays for the mortgage and bills and keeps the rest of his earnings to himself.

Their marriage has been very rocky for about 3-4 years (he’s awful) and a few months ago my friend told her husband that she didn’t want to be with him anymore. He made lots of promises about how he’d change (which he’s already been promising for many years with nothing changing) but she said enough is enough.

A year or so ago she had suggested marriage counselling but he wouldn’t pay for it and still won’t.

Their house is worth £400k and she wants to put it on the market but she knows he won’t agree. They are still living there together (separate rooms) and my friend says the atmosphere is just horrendous. She wants to start divorce proceedings but is terrified about how he will react and she doesn’t have access to any money to pay solicitor fees anyway.

He has now stopped giving her a monthly allowance (out of spite I imagine) and so all she has now each month is the child benefit money. She has to use this to buy things for herself and for the children, and for her travel costs back and forth to college.

He’s treating her so badly and it’s just a mess. It’s just awful. He’s telling their daughters that my friend wants to break up the family and he’s the victim…..

Surely he can’t get away with this?

She has no other family nearby and she feels completely trapped.

How can I help her

Lol at the very obvious MRAs on the thread that are most upset at the laws of the land.

It’s very important that she gets the children’s allowance in her name asap for her pension credits. If you don’t work but are registered for children’s allowance they also pay your national insurance.

She has effectively lost 11 years worth of pension credits. His behaviour is coercive control and financial abuse - she badly needs to speak to Women’s Aid, Citizen’s Advice and ideally a lawyer to work out next steps.

Child Benefit for two children is roughly £160 per month , NOT per week , so she couldn't possibly cover everything you've listed . She must be getting some money from somewhere , her parents perhaps ?

Exactly this.

Another reason being that from the moment she wants to claim UC by saying they are “separated” despite living in the same house, HE can also decide to live that way. If he does, that means he can (totally lawfully) say “okay, YOU said we’ve separated, so as a separated partner all you are entitled to from me is CMS amount for the children, so from this day on that’s all you will get”. And if he’s the kind of awful human that is already controlling finances, he will likely jump at the chance to provide less. IF he does this, then she will be really stuck because currently he is paying all of the bills for the household, if he decides to only pay his % and give her CMS amount, she then suddenly has to figure out where to put that money- food or shelter.

Yes she will be entitled to her share of the property and assets when they divorce but in the interim there’s really not much she can do without having to give up her course and start earning money now to support herself and her children. Staying for another 7 months until the qualification is obtained is of course not ideal- far from it, but there is a lot to weigh up here.

If I was here I would also also (if possible obviously only if safe to do so), try and find some documents around the house that would give me a better idea of what the finances actually look like. If he truly is earning 95k a year, mortgage free, he’s taking home just over £5000 a month. If none of that is going to his wife/kids I genuinely wonder what he could be doing with the rest of it.

How long have you actually known this person you’re looking to fund / bring to live with you?

So he needs to pay for childcare. The cheek!!

Does she realise that by not claiming CB she has not received any pension credits for the whole time she has not worked? Does she have enough working years left to make that up or to build a work/private pension? It's terrifying how some women walk blindly through life just hoping everything will be fine.

In practice HICBC means that once you earn over £60k you are paying back the entity of any CB received. Is it likely that a financially abusive DH who is earning in excess of that is completing an SA form and paying it back? I would say no. And that money will have to be paid back.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/high-income-child-benefit-charge-data/high-income-child-benefit-charge

I haven't read the whole thread, but in case nobody else has picked it up, it is fine for her to be receiving child benefit. However he does need to declare it on HIS tax return.

It's actually advisable for any SAHP to claim child benefit, as that will automatically trigger National Insurance credits until their youngest is 12. It can then be clawed back through the higher earner's tax return, if relevant.

Off topic a bit, but just to state that you do not need to be claiming or receiving child benefit in order to receive the pension contributions; just be entitled to claim it (there’s a form you fill in when child is born).

Since DH is a higher rate tax payer, I opted not to receive child benefit, but the fact that I’m entitled to claim means that I receive the pension contributions.

Yeah there is no way she’s buying all the food let alone any hobby’s or travel on CB for two children for a whole month.

She’s telling porkies on that alone. She’s either getting money from someone else and not telling you, but why? Or he is actually buying food at at least and she’s spinning a tale to sound worse and more desperate.

I started responding to you ages ago, then got distracted by phone calls and issues arising, so you'd given more info by the time I pressed Post.

You've had lots of good advice from others. Such an awful situation, with more complications posted. From experience I know that sometimes as a friend your role is to absorb the pain and anger and frustration, and I wondered if that was what was going on here.

Your friend has to have legal advice and to start planning an escape as soon as she's out of college. Perhaps you can help her with that. Could she and the children come and stay with you over Christmas, to give her a break and a sense of normality, so you could start planning. On a practical level, you can send her things like supermarket gift cards to supplement the money he gives her. Could you contact the police and ask for advice on whether this fits the description of financial coercion?

Good luck to you both.

You can also always claim the national insurance credits without taking the money.

@EsmeSusanOgg He is claiming the CB. So what happens regarding repayment through tax is all on him, not his wife.

She’s in a tricky situation

and he’s not playing fair

if she can’t pay a Soliciter getting the money and allowance back is critical

if he won’t give her money she needs to research family law herself
and call womens aid

I totally get that ending the course isn’t optimal

bit she might have to calm things down and fake it untiL she’s done

the advice re financial abuse is plain wrong. The Domestic Abuse Act describes abuse and that description includes financial abuse. However, the act does not make financial abuse a criminal offence.

controlling your partners money may be controlling and coercive behaviour but that’s not what’s happening here.

She had to pay off the mortgage with her inheritance as her husband said that he’d only agree to her doing her studies (and effectively not working) if she agreed to do that.

I don't understand this. Was she working before she received the inheritance? Why did she need him to 'agree" to her doing her studies?

Why do they not have a joint bank account? How did this couple get together in the first place; he doesn't seem interested in either her or their mutual children. If he's always been like this, as you say, why did she go on to have two offspring by him? Her passivity is so perplexing. Was she an admin at his workplace? Did she have any career plans of her own at that time? Why didn't she go back to work once the kids were in nursery or school, rather than continue to be reliant on his good graces and an allowance?

You say her mum - lives 3 hours away
Why cant she go there?
Maybe you can help her to prioritise
First and foremost she needs to leave him
Never mind uni courses she can change course defer training etc
Why is she worrying about daughters hobby?
She needs to think about her safety and emotional well being of her kids.
So when you go to see her, get her to come back with you it doesn't matter if your house is too small it will only be temporary until she can either go to her mums or into refuge or temp housing and claim universal credit.

I am sorry to read all of this and sadly I don't have any advice but the op @SheIsStuck23 sounds like a really lovely and helpful friend.

The OP has stated several times that she previously got the Child Benefit money plus a monthly allowance of money from her husband. She used this to pay for her travel, children’s activities and the food shopping etc. however since she told her husband that she wants to separate, he has now stopped paying her that extra money - hence why she is now utterly screwed and doesn’t have enough money to pay for everything.

The majority of this has already been covered in my previous posts so I’m not going to keep repeating myself.

I really appreciate everyone who has continued to help. I have made notes of all the suggestions that have been given throughout the thread, including the issues she needs to consider and things she needs to do, and it’ a really extensive list, so thank you. Whilst it’s all fresh in my mind I’m going to go and see her tonight after work rather than wait.

To be fair, in most (probably all?) marriages/relationships, you would need your partners agreement if you want to begin a long course of education that is essentially going to make you unemployed for the next 5 years while you study, because the reality is that in order to allow you to do that, your partner has to pick up all of the financial pressure and keep the household running while you learn. It’s not a given that you would be able to re join education once you have children/house/partner, unless you have yourself enough money behind you to fund your studies as well as to continue contributing to the house and your children, you do need your partners permission.

Obviously her husband does sound awful for everything else, but I’m just pointing out that it’s not a red flag that she needed him to “agree” to her studying. DH & I share finances completely, and have no issues, but I would have to discuss with him and get his agreement if I wanted to start a 5 year course that would reduce/eliminate my earnings during that time while I study.

Well, in fairness, she got all of her keep for all of those years in exchange for the childcare; she wasn't supporting herself AND doing 100 percent of the childcare.

People who drop out of the workforce to "save" childcare costs are foolish and short-sighted. Even if there isn't much cash left over after childcare costs, which should be split between both parents, one is still investing in work experience, pension contributions, networking, job skills and other valuable things. A few years of "working for no pay" (absurd) are like gold when the kids get into school and one's career AND independence haven't been totally derailed.

Especially with a man who won't share bank accounts, etc., it was incredibly risky to become dependent on him. Just baffling, really. And then to let him dictate how she spends her inheritance, so that it becomes a marital asset instead of her own stash of money, is just mind-boggling.

She's going to have to find some agency and stop letting him call the shots.

Really curious as to your motivation for consistently denying this man’s financial abuse is actually financial abuse…