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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go for love

103 replies

Bloke56AFC · 14/11/2023 23:47

Hi,

I’ll be honest, I’ve never heard of Mumsnet until today’s office gossip but I’m in need of brutally honest opinions and I’m hoping you can deliver.

I’m a 56 year old straight man and I’ve fallen madly in love with a woman who started working in my office in August. I know this sounds creepy/weird but I’m old enough to know the difference between a crush and absolutely knowing in my heart my feelings for her.

She’s 42, a widow and has a grown up son who lives abroad. She is everything I want in a partner and I’ve never felt like this before.

Some background info on me:
I’m not the best looking guy in the world and I’m quite overweight. I was in a relationship in my early twenties which resulted in a son who I am close to and I have a 12 year old grandson. My son’s mother passed away years ago.

I have worked offshore for years so haven’t really had any other serious relationships but I haven’t lived the life of a monk either!

I’m quite well off mainly due to my mother leaving me a sizeable inheritance and don’t need to work but I have taken an office job within my sector for something to do. I am seen as everyone’s friend in the office…good for a laugh but I’m certain none of the women would view me remotely in a romantic way.

She is always extremely nice to me in the office (but then I am her boss….a further complication!).

I suppose I had resigned myself to her being out of my league but a couple of things have happened to change my mind:

Gordon Ramsay is the same age as me and he is starting another chapter of his life.

The women in question is talking about leaving so she can spend a prolonged time abroad with her son. I can’t bear not seeing her.

I just want to tell her my feelings - Love Actually style. Am I living my life in some movie cuckoo land? Will I be seen as a creepy perv or should I go for it?

OP posts:
Mirrormeback · 14/11/2023 23:54

Well they'll be reading this post then if they spoke about MN in the office in which case you'll get your answer sooner rather than later

I don't think you should be declaring your love quite yet

I would organise a works night out and Christmas Do just to get to know her better properly to see if you connect

You just need to spend more time getting to know each other slowly

Mirrormeback · 14/11/2023 23:55

Do not tell her your feelings

Just get to know her better that's all

Mirrormeback · 14/11/2023 23:56

There's nothing creepy about fancying someone but be patient

wheniswinterover · 15/11/2023 00:00

Definitely- if you are serious about this then take your time.. get to know her, ask her out for a drink if this can be done casually..?
Do not do a love actually thing.. and don't be a wet lettuce (struggling for a better term..)
Stand tall, own it, don't be pathetic

Pleasestopurbs · 15/11/2023 00:02

Go for it

TomatoSandwiches · 15/11/2023 00:06

I think you're setting yourself up for heartbreak tbh.
I don't think it's reasonable to think she would change her plans abroad to stay here if you told her your feelings.

theduchessofspork · 15/11/2023 00:25

Do not declare undying love - I know you think you love her but you don’t actually know her as a person, what you are experiencing is a chemical rush.

Do ask her out for a drink, and proceed slowly.

She probably isn’t going to change her mind about heading abroad for a bit, but your relationship can progress anyway, if you both want that.

Try not to turn this into A Great Love into your head, that isn’t real.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/11/2023 00:28

It’s not creepy to fancy someone I don’t think.

I think just try to get to know her as a friend. Take it very slowly. Invite her out for a coffee or a drink or similar.

Dont so the love actually thing. That would be a far too full on and could be a bit creepy if she hasn’t been thinking in those terms.

Dont talk to her about being wealthy! That sounds like you’d be assuming she would go for that, and would sound insulting.

SkaneTos · 15/11/2023 00:37

"She is everything I want in a partner"

Do you know her? Are you friends?
Does she know you?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/11/2023 00:44

She is everything I want in a partner

You don't even know her. She is barely more than a stranger to you. Stop being so silly.

cassiatwenty · 15/11/2023 00:58

@Aquamarine1029 ILU but really, we never really know people inside out 110 % if we fancy them or are in love with them.

Original poster
Bloke56AFC · 15/11/2023 01:04

Thanks for your responses. I was expecting far more brutal replies to be honest!

I get the impression that she doesn’t particularly need to work either and that is why she is considering spending time abroad with her son. However, she comes over as half hearted about this as if she’s not sure how she wants to spend the rest of her life.

I’ve just got this notion that if she can ignore my looks we could have an unbelievably happy life together.

I’ve decided I’m going to text her and tell her that I think she is absolutely lovely and an amazing person.

If she tells me to go to hell so be it or if I get the sack I’ll take it on the chin!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloke56AFC · 15/11/2023 01:08

I’ve had a few to drink so to hell with it I’m just going to tell her. If someone thought I was amazing I’d be over the moon if they told me

OP posts:
Blueeyedmale · 15/11/2023 01:11

Bloke56AFC · 15/11/2023 01:08

I’ve had a few to drink so to hell with it I’m just going to tell her. If someone thought I was amazing I’d be over the moon if they told me

I think you have had some good sensible advice not to do this yet but it's clearly your choice, good luck

Ffsnotaconference · 15/11/2023 01:17

This is entirely inappropriate.

You are her boss, is that correct?

Your worst case scenario is you get sacked? But no thought about how horrific it for women, to have a senior male make moves on them and what a difficult position that could put them in.

and what does Gordon Ramsey have to do with anything?

Mothership4two · 15/11/2023 01:33

Bloke56AFC · 15/11/2023 01:08

I’ve had a few to drink so to hell with it I’m just going to tell her. If someone thought I was amazing I’d be over the moon if they told me

This is inappropriate (you are her boss) and could cause a great deal of awkwardness in your workplace. You have also been drinking so now is not the time to be making major personal announcements. Write down how you feel and look at it in the cold light of day - you will probably change your mind. And listen to the good advice on here that you have been given.

Original poster
Bloke56AFC · 15/11/2023 01:34

Ffsnotaconference · 15/11/2023 01:17

This is entirely inappropriate.

You are her boss, is that correct?

Your worst case scenario is you get sacked? But no thought about how horrific it for women, to have a senior male make moves on them and what a difficult position that could put them in.

and what does Gordon Ramsey have to do with anything?

God knows what Ramsay has to do with I’ve had a bit to drink and some crap in my head about him being the same age as me and doing something different but yeah I get I’m talking crap.

I get that it’s not appropriate but do I just forget about how I feel, I’m too selfish for that. If (when) she tells me to piss off I’ll back off immediately and resign. I’m not torturing myself working there.

I‘ve sent the message… Hi xxx just wanted to let you know that I think you are so lovely, a truly amazing person. xx I didn’t mention the love word

OP posts:
EBearhug · 15/11/2023 01:37

In my former workplace, relationships between people at different levels in the same reporting line were expressly forbidden.

Original poster
Bloke56AFC · 15/11/2023 01:38

I’m a selfish idiot but I know how I feel about her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloke56AFC · 15/11/2023 01:40

Entirely reasonable but I’ve gone and done it as I say I’m a self centred prick

OP posts:
Blueeyedmale · 15/11/2023 01:41

Bloke56AFC · 15/11/2023 01:38

I’m a selfish idiot but I know how I feel about her.

I think you should go to bed and sleep it off, it's gone 1am and your sending an employee messages like this

Sauvblanctime · 15/11/2023 01:42

Bloke56AFC · 15/11/2023 01:40

Entirely reasonable but I’ve gone and done it as I say I’m a self centred prick

I wouldn’t say that, and my fella is a big lad but I love him & his figure.

good luck!! Hope it works out for you ❤️

Original poster
Bloke56AFC · 15/11/2023 01:45

I’ve entered self sabotage territory but yeah I’m off to bed. I am nothing but honest so I’ll update and you can see the whole shit storm that I’ve created.

everyone’s advice has been great I’m just too bloody stupid to take it

OP posts:
cassiatwenty · 15/11/2023 02:14

Blueeyedmale · 15/11/2023 01:41

I think you should go to bed and sleep it off, it's gone 1am and your sending an employee messages like this

Show quote history

😂

SomersetDreams · 15/11/2023 05:36

Lifes too short. Go on tell her you love her but not in the...creepy perv way be classy and not full on.

But be aware she might just see you as the boss...then again she might not.
I hope we'll all be invited to the wedding :)