To go for love

[Bloke56AFC]

Hi,

I’ll be honest, I’ve never heard of Mumsnet until today’s office gossip but I’m in need of brutally honest opinions and I’m hoping you can deliver.

I’m a 56 year old straight man and I’ve fallen madly in love with a woman who started working in my office in August. I know this sounds creepy/weird but I’m old enough to know the difference between a crush and absolutely knowing in my heart my feelings for her.

She’s 42, a widow and has a grown up son who lives abroad. She is everything I want in a partner and I’ve never felt like this before.

Some background info on me:
I’m not the best looking guy in the world and I’m quite overweight. I was in a relationship in my early twenties which resulted in a son who I am close to and I have a 12 year old grandson. My son’s mother passed away years ago.

I have worked offshore for years so haven’t really had any other serious relationships but I haven’t lived the life of a monk either!

I’m quite well off mainly due to my mother leaving me a sizeable inheritance and don’t need to work but I have taken an office job within my sector for something to do. I am seen as everyone’s friend in the office…good for a laugh but I’m certain none of the women would view me remotely in a romantic way.

She is always extremely nice to me in the office (but then I am her boss….a further complication!).

I suppose I had resigned myself to her being out of my league but a couple of things have happened to change my mind:

Gordon Ramsay is the same age as me and he is starting another chapter of his life.

The women in question is talking about leaving so she can spend a prolonged time abroad with her son. I can’t bear not seeing her.

I just want to tell her my feelings - Love Actually style. Am I living my life in some movie cuckoo land? Will I be seen as a creepy perv or should I go for it?

Well...hope it works out!! It was a bit late to be texting though!

I love this thread! I would have said 100% tell her how you feel! Life's too short to not! Good luck x

He probably shouldn't ask her out for a drink if she reports to him. That really does complicate matters, I'm afraid (depending on the workplace, but most places rightly have rules around fraternisation)
OP, you sound like a decent guy but I am a little concerned about your Love Actually style fantasy. (Full disclosure, I LOATHE that film from the bottom of my heart so even hearing it mentioned makes me give a full body swerve) You do not know this woman at all, except as a pleasant colleague. Matters are complicated by the fact that you are her boss. I am sorry, but I think you are going to have to let this one go.

Hope OP hasn't got beer fear this morning??

Did she reply??? You can’t leave us hanging like this??

Be honest now and apologise and say you were pissed, if she is interested in any way she will be nice about it if she doesn't then back the hell away.

This is ridiculously inappropriate and beyond unprofessional, can’t imagine a worse way to be approached by a man than if it were my boss who seems weirdly hung up on money getting drunk and sending me a cheesy message at 1am 🤦🏼‍♀️
Also you don’t love her. You barely know her. It would be very weird to tell her you love her based on, essentially, the way she looks and a bit of surface level chat. So if she is receptive to your textual advances, keep your ott declarations quiet.

Thinking she is everything you want in a partner is weird and creepy. You barely know her.

I had a guy I was seeing tell me this a few weeks into our relationship. I did find it majorly creepy and massive red flag territory. It also pissed me off. It erased me. Like he had just decided I was ‘perfect’ without any input from me or interest in what I might feel about the ‘partnership’. It made it clear I was not a real person to him but an idealized fantasy.

I ended it.

Sending that text was weird and creepy too.

I’m sorry, if I were her mate I would be telling her to steer well clear of you.

Can I just say if you don't need the money why don't you free up the job for someone who does need it and volunteer 'for something to do' instead?

I get the impression OP has no interest in how any of this will make this poor woman feel.

She’s not a real person to him. She only exists as an object of his desire.

Did she reply?!

Yep, thIs about sums it up.

If I received that message from my boss I would be horrified. You’ve just inflicted a horribly awkward situation on her and she’s now likely to feel uncomfortable in her workplace as a result. You knew it was selfish and you did it anyway because, despite believing you love this woman, you decided to prioritise your feelings over hers.

You need to tread very carefully now to make sure she doesn’t feel like she has to appease you. I would start with an apology that recognises how inappropriate your message was and lets her know you won’t be bothering her again.

Gordon Ramsey had a baby with his actual wife, with whom he already has several children. Don’t see what that has to do with perving on an employee personally.

So you came on here asking for a women’s perspective, totally ignored all of the advice, even the posts saying “go for it, just not in a dramatic way” and now you’ve put this woman in a horrendous position of waking up to a text from her drunk boss, and having to go into work today not knowing whether to take it seriously, be flattered by your attention, be horrified by it, be worried for her job if she says no, or indeed if she says yes.

have you never heard the phrase “don’t shit where you eat”? There’s a reason many workplaces have rules about relationships in the workplace, it makes things awkward as fuck when it’s going well, and even more awkward when it isn’t. Grow up.

If I was you I wouldn't declare my feelings. If she's not at all interested it would be quite a lot for her to take in.
However, I see no harm in asking her for a drink. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know.

I think you might wake up and regret sending that message! But I'm sure if you apologise and explain you were a bit tipsy then she will understand. You could even try and say younsent it to her by accident and it was intended for someone else...although she may not believe that. I'd then back off for a while and let the dust settle. Perhaps get a group of you to all go for a drink and get to know her better outside of work. If there are any sparks it will be obvious.
Also don't put yourself down about your looks. My husband was 15 stone when we got married (20 years ago) and is now 20 stone it doesn't bother me one bit! He is handsome to me and is a wonderful man with the best sense of humour. Looks aren't everything.

If I received that message from my boss I would be horrified. You’ve just inflicted a horribly awkward situation on her and she’s now likely to feel uncomfortable in her workplace as a result. You knew it was selfish and you did it anyway because, despite believing you love this woman, you decided to prioritise your feelings over hers.

This.

What an utterly selfish thing to do and awful position to put her in.

She'll also look back on your previous interactions and wonder which were down to you fancying her.

God we can't even go to work and simply be a nice person without (not all) men in positions of authority taking that as an invitation to send creepy, inappropriate drunk texts pursuing us.

Gross.

I’ve just woken up. I’m on annual leave this week. She’s read my message but no reply. I’ve well and truly screwed this up!

I might drive to work and see if I can have a chat with her at lunchtime. I’ll take your advice and apologise

You are concerned only with your own feelings and desires, not those of a partner / potential partner. This does not suggest you would make a good partner to any woman.

Text her an apology then leave her alone. Please!

I can see why you're well liked in the office - your updates where you throw caution to the wind are quite amusing 😁

Not creepy to fancy someone from work and its barely an age gap! But you're her boss which complicates things. I suggest you apologise to her re your text messages regardless of how she has responded to you (as you implied she may just be nice to you given the power dynamic) and now just leave the ball in her court.

Well this gets worse and worse.

If you want to exacerbate the creepy, inappropriate boss look you’ve created for yourself, you’ll horrify this woman by chasing her down when you are meant to be on leave.

Send her a text apologizing unreservedly and acknowledging the unprofessionalism and the uncomfortable position you have put her in. In your shoes, I’d tell her that I am reportIng myself to HR so that she knows she does not have to worry about any unfavorable treatment from you.

I really think it's a bad idea to now come in in person if you weren't due to be there.

She will already feel awkward and may also feel upset that she now has to deal with this situation despite having simply been going to work and being a lovely person, without indicating romantic interest in you.

You coming in unexpectedly is now adding even more awkwardness for her to have to deal with without being able to prepare or gather her thoughts about setting boundaries / making it clear she isn't interested romantically, assuming she isn't.

If you're in annual leave I think it would be far better to give her the opportunity to chat to some friends / come up with how she wants to deal with it without now also showing up in person. So I would send an apology text today but leave her alone as you're off anyway.

Someone in a position of power pursuing us when we've given them no green light to do so is often unnerving to us as well as annoying. I think you've either underestimated the horrible gut feeling it can give women having to deal with this, or you knew and as you said last night, you just let your selfishness override that knowledge.

I feel so sorry for her having this added to her plate uninvited.

I often defend men on Mumsnet when I feel unfair things are said against them... However in this case, I really don't think you should have done it! You've put her in an uncomfortable position. You're her boss. What is she supposed to say?!
I think sometimes men make it all about their feelings. You're telling her you think she's lovely as if now she has some responsibility to react to your feelings.
It reminds me of when me and my friend were at uni. My friend was a very pretty 25 year old and this older man on the course was about 55 and married. He suddenly declared his love to my friend. She was soooo shocked! She just said "Oh I'm sorry. I'm not interested." He just kept saying over and over again "But you don't understand! I've fallen in love with you. I think you're beautiful, cute, sexy." Whatever she said he just kept repeating "But I think you're lovely".
He really couldn't comprehend that it was irrelevant what he thought of her. His feelings were his feelings nothing more.
Just because you feel you've fallen in love or you think she's absolutely wonderful and perfect - it doesn't mean she's likely to feel the same or has to acknowledge your feelings.

Ah no don't drive in - say you got drunk whilst on hols and apologise if you made her feel uncomfortable

This.
General chat and be friendly. You are her boss so be cautious.