To go for love

[Bloke56AFC]

Hi,

I’ll be honest, I’ve never heard of Mumsnet until today’s office gossip but I’m in need of brutally honest opinions and I’m hoping you can deliver.

I’m a 56 year old straight man and I’ve fallen madly in love with a woman who started working in my office in August. I know this sounds creepy/weird but I’m old enough to know the difference between a crush and absolutely knowing in my heart my feelings for her.

She’s 42, a widow and has a grown up son who lives abroad. She is everything I want in a partner and I’ve never felt like this before.

Some background info on me:
I’m not the best looking guy in the world and I’m quite overweight. I was in a relationship in my early twenties which resulted in a son who I am close to and I have a 12 year old grandson. My son’s mother passed away years ago.

I have worked offshore for years so haven’t really had any other serious relationships but I haven’t lived the life of a monk either!

I’m quite well off mainly due to my mother leaving me a sizeable inheritance and don’t need to work but I have taken an office job within my sector for something to do. I am seen as everyone’s friend in the office…good for a laugh but I’m certain none of the women would view me remotely in a romantic way.

She is always extremely nice to me in the office (but then I am her boss….a further complication!).

I suppose I had resigned myself to her being out of my league but a couple of things have happened to change my mind:

Gordon Ramsay is the same age as me and he is starting another chapter of his life.

The women in question is talking about leaving so she can spend a prolonged time abroad with her son. I can’t bear not seeing her.

I just want to tell her my feelings - Love Actually style. Am I living my life in some movie cuckoo land? Will I be seen as a creepy perv or should I go for it?

Ps you mentioned your looks - as a general point women aren't that superficial but what you CAN do about this is have impeccable hygiene, good hair cut, moisturize, and decent well fitting clothes. These make a huge difference to how attractive you are and your confidence. If you are overweight then sort your diet out and join a gym- again for your confidence as much as anything.

I think I'd be more puzzled than anything else if I had a drunken text early hours unexpectedly.

If a friend WhatsApps me at any hour it wouldn't wake me up so no prob.

Well, hope she's not freaked out by it OP

Poor woman. She’s probably gone straight to HR for advice on how to deal with the situation you’ve bestowed upon her.

Look - if you had posted that you work with a single woman who you find attractive, you are her boss - should I ask her out? Well that would be one thing

but my goodness all this ‘ideal partner’ ‘I’m fat and ugly’ ‘I love her’ stuff is just downright ridiculous and obsessive

poor bloody woman - leave her alone - you don’t love her - you don’t know her, she’s polite, you are her boss - you’ve built up some fantasy in your head she is not willingly art off - probably made her more eager to move asap

very unprofessional and incelly

Well it obv would have been better if you hadn't texted her. But you have. I don't think I'd go apologising or anything. If she wants to raise it now she knows where you stand. I would give her a lot of space though.

@Bloke56AFC Google 'limerence'. It feels like love but it isn't.

And never proposition women at work. No one goes in to work to be harassed and especially not by their boss.

I would be seriously pissed off to get a text like that. It’s trying to pretend the only inappropriateness is the time the message was sent, not the content. It also leaves open that he thinks it’s ok for him to text her personal no. Again.

If I hadn’t gone to HR already I certainly would after receiving that minimizing message.

You need to park whatever fantasy you have concocted in your head about building a life with this woman you barely know, and focus on damage limitation.

There is no evidence that this woman returns your feelings. The facts are that you have sent a drunken, inappropriate message to a junior colleague who is 10 years younger than you. You must be able to see how bad this looks. You have put this woman in an extremely awkward position and risked your own job.

You need to seek advice from HR, rather than contacting her directly which is likely to make a bad situation worse. It will be embarrassing, yes but you need to get ahead of this as its highly likely she will report you, if she hasn't already done so.

Once you have addressed the immediate risk to your job security, maybe think about accessing counselling. This might help you to figure out what has led to you taking a perfectly normal, cordial, non-intimate relationship with a colleague and blowing it so out of proportion in your mind that its caused you to behave in such a reckless and potentially self destructive way.

Google 'limerence'. It feels like love but it isn't.

Limerence is pop psychology nonsense that is too often used as an excuse for inappropriate, intrusive or even intimidating behaviour by men towards women.

This reminds me of Michaela Coel's speech about men crossing boundaries in I May Destroy You..."Bob knows exactly where the line is". Men like OP know full well that their behaviour isn't ok but they also know that a lot of women are too polite, or too worried about their jobs to assert themselves when faced with inappropriate advances from someone senior to them at work.

I’ve messaged her and basically said this. She messaged back straight away…. ‘no worries I think you are a pretty awesome person too x’.

i asked her out for a drink she said she’d rather go to the cinema.

we’re going to see a crappy sounding French film on Friday…I’m over the bloody moon!

Well that's a good (and rather unexpected) update! Perhaps you could sense she really was interested and that's why you sent it.
Enjoy your date!

Glad it's had that outcome 😆

Please don't be too heavy with her though

Like a fairy tale - fictional

I'm sorry your most recent post is the final straw, I think this post is bull shite.

😆

Like a fairy tale - fictional

⬆️⬆️⬆️

Still creepy as fuck.

Quite.

It’s fun to engage with even unlikely threads as if they are true, just like you do with a novel. But there does come a point where it becomes so far fetched you think. Nah, this is just bollocks. And at that stage it stops being fun, again, just like with a novel.

🤣🤣🤣

Of course you are…

In fairness, there's a lot to be said for living in a fantasy world - everything works out just peachy 😍

@Wishimaywishimight true

I just wonder why anyone could be arsed posting a totally made up story 🥴

I suppose the OP name is a bit of a give away here as it's like 'hmm what would a man have a a user name'

People are weird- the majority of responses restore my faith in humanity though.

Fucking hell.

What's the film called OP? Le Reve Fou?

Whaaat?! Well I never saw!
You must come back and post chapter 2 update us 😍

Aw that's brilliant! Hope you have a lovely time. Don't know why some on here are so cynical.

And what was the update? :)