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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go for love

103 replies

Bloke56AFC · 14/11/2023 23:47

Hi,

I’ll be honest, I’ve never heard of Mumsnet until today’s office gossip but I’m in need of brutally honest opinions and I’m hoping you can deliver.

I’m a 56 year old straight man and I’ve fallen madly in love with a woman who started working in my office in August. I know this sounds creepy/weird but I’m old enough to know the difference between a crush and absolutely knowing in my heart my feelings for her.

She’s 42, a widow and has a grown up son who lives abroad. She is everything I want in a partner and I’ve never felt like this before.

Some background info on me:
I’m not the best looking guy in the world and I’m quite overweight. I was in a relationship in my early twenties which resulted in a son who I am close to and I have a 12 year old grandson. My son’s mother passed away years ago.

I have worked offshore for years so haven’t really had any other serious relationships but I haven’t lived the life of a monk either!

I’m quite well off mainly due to my mother leaving me a sizeable inheritance and don’t need to work but I have taken an office job within my sector for something to do. I am seen as everyone’s friend in the office…good for a laugh but I’m certain none of the women would view me remotely in a romantic way.

She is always extremely nice to me in the office (but then I am her boss….a further complication!).

I suppose I had resigned myself to her being out of my league but a couple of things have happened to change my mind:

Gordon Ramsay is the same age as me and he is starting another chapter of his life.

The women in question is talking about leaving so she can spend a prolonged time abroad with her son. I can’t bear not seeing her.

I just want to tell her my feelings - Love Actually style. Am I living my life in some movie cuckoo land? Will I be seen as a creepy perv or should I go for it?

OP posts:
AllFeetAreUgly · 15/11/2023 10:02

Don't turn up for God's sake!
Just text her saying how sorry you are, you were tipsy and feelingemotional at her leaving and what she's gone through, tell her it won't happen again (and mean it)

myotherkidisacassowary · 15/11/2023 10:02

Bloke56AFC · 15/11/2023 09:35

I’ve just woken up. I’m on annual leave this week. She’s read my message but no reply. I’ve well and truly screwed this up!

I might drive to work and see if I can have a chat with her at lunchtime. I’ll take your advice and apologise

Christ no, do NOT drive to work. Text her an apology then LEAVE HER ALONE.

Tonight1 · 15/11/2023 10:06

You might be over the limit anyway - even if she's interested in you driving in would probably make her hide under her desk

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 15/11/2023 10:13

Bloke56AFC · 15/11/2023 09:35

I’ve just woken up. I’m on annual leave this week. She’s read my message but no reply. I’ve well and truly screwed this up!

I might drive to work and see if I can have a chat with her at lunchtime. I’ll take your advice and apologise

Please don't 🙏.

Dweetfidilove · 15/11/2023 10:23

Bloke56AFC · 15/11/2023 09:35

I’ve just woken up. I’m on annual leave this week. She’s read my message but no reply. I’ve well and truly screwed this up!

I might drive to work and see if I can have a chat with her at lunchtime. I’ll take your advice and apologise

Or you can just leave her now to respond/not.

Next you’ll be clubbing her over the head at this rate.

If she doesn’t respond while you’re off, take it as a’hint’ that she’s not interested and move along in a dignified manner.

Coldia · 15/11/2023 10:23

M8, if you go in on your day off after sending that creep text it'll be just as well you don't need to work.

monsteramunch · 15/11/2023 10:26

AllFeetAreUgly · 15/11/2023 10:02

Don't turn up for God's sake!
Just text her saying how sorry you are, you were tipsy and feelingemotional at her leaving and what she's gone through, tell her it won't happen again (and mean it)

This is a good shout and would be a way to make it possible for her to play along with it not having been a creepy text, so she doesn't have to have an awkward conversation with you. But she will know how you did mean it and will now be wary of you and you'll just have to accept that.

platinumplus · 15/11/2023 10:31

Coldia · 15/11/2023 10:23

M8, if you go in on your day off after sending that creep text it'll be just as well you don't need to work.

🤣

platinumplus · 15/11/2023 10:31

I feel that this can't be real.

KimberleyClark · 15/11/2023 10:34

AllFeetAreUgly · 15/11/2023 10:02

Don't turn up for God's sake!
Just text her saying how sorry you are, you were tipsy and feelingemotional at her leaving and what she's gone through, tell her it won't happen again (and mean it)

I second this.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 15/11/2023 10:37

Why didn’t you just casually ask her if she’d like to go for a drink, you know, no pressure? All your message will have done is scare her.

definitely don’t go to work today. Just leave it or maybe message her apologising and say you’d had a drink and while it’s true you do like her you didn’t mean to make things awkward and you’ll not mention it again.

Winwit · 15/11/2023 10:39

I’m early 40s and I would regard a man of 56 as “pushing 60”. He’d have to be extremely well kept for me to consider him as a potential partner, which you admit you are not. For that reason alone I don’t think this has a future. And on top of that you’ve been weird and creepy by declaring your feelings instead of just asking her on a date.

As others have said, your feelings are yours and aren’t necessarily reciprocated. I’ve had a couple of situations in my past where I’ve been crazy about someone who didn’t want me, and situations where someone was crazy about me but I didn’t want them. Most adults learn fairly early on that it’s rare for attraction to be mutual. You seem a bit naive if you think that having strong feelings means this is bound to work out. The lack of a prompt reply suggests she’s not into you, sorry.

Original poster
Bloke56AFC · 15/11/2023 10:54

Ok I won’t drive in. I take your point on that one.
I know I’m her boss but really I’ve only got the job as I have expertise in a very specific area that isn’t really needed that much so they’ve just added a lot of line management responsibility to pad the role out. Everybody in the team are amazing and I do no actual managing of people but yeah I get I’m still her boss.

I definitely am taking her feelings on board as if she told me to get lost I would immediately.

it’s hard to interpret but she genuinely seems to take an interest in me. For example she knows how my football team have done at the weekend and always comments on Monday morning.

I can apologise by text I suppose but I don’t want her to think I didn’t mean what I said…what’s the point in that?

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 15/11/2023 10:56

You will be the talk / laugh of the office if she choses to share your drunken text with her colleagues. Best thing you can do is keep your head down and definitely do not go into the office today. In fact, if you can work from home for the rest of the week you should consider it.

I am inclined to believe this is a fake post though, you sound terribly naive for a 56 year old.

AmazingSnakeHead · 15/11/2023 11:15

Completely inappropriate. You do not love her, you don't even know her. You have a crush on her and you should approach it the normal way, if at all, by asking her in person if she wants to go and get a drink. Not through cryptic texts at 1 am and for sure not by driving into work and embarassing her.

DogsInTheDirtAgain · 15/11/2023 11:23

If this is real, I feel very sorry for this woman dealing with a creepy older man who is her boss. Poor woman.

maybejustonemoretime · 15/11/2023 11:23

The point of apologising is for the inappropriateness of your 1am text declaration and imposing that on her and putting her in a super awkward situation.
You don't have to claim you didn't mean what you said but you should acknowledge it was a dick move and you don't want or expect her to reply to it.
Commenting on your football team unless it's a super random small club is just polite relationship building with a colleague- looking for something to talk about.

DogsInTheDirtAgain · 15/11/2023 11:26

I am inclined to believe this is a fake post though

I think you’re probably right and I certainly hope you are. Probably a sad bloke wanting attention from a mainly women on a forum. Desperate either way.

JaneJeffer · 15/11/2023 11:27

You have a very womanly way of writing @Bloke56AFC

Ffsnotaconference · 15/11/2023 11:34

Nolongerlight · 15/11/2023 08:40

I get the impression OP has no interest in how any of this will make this poor woman feel.

She’s not a real person to him. She only exists as an object of his desire.

Show quote history

I agree. Which is why I am surprised there was so many supportive comments, early on.

Ffsnotaconference · 15/11/2023 11:37

Bloke56AFC · 15/11/2023 10:54

Ok I won’t drive in. I take your point on that one.
I know I’m her boss but really I’ve only got the job as I have expertise in a very specific area that isn’t really needed that much so they’ve just added a lot of line management responsibility to pad the role out. Everybody in the team are amazing and I do no actual managing of people but yeah I get I’m still her boss.

I definitely am taking her feelings on board as if she told me to get lost I would immediately.

it’s hard to interpret but she genuinely seems to take an interest in me. For example she knows how my football team have done at the weekend and always comments on Monday morning.

I can apologise by text I suppose but I don’t want her to think I didn’t mean what I said…what’s the point in that?

You aren’t taking her feelings into account.

If you were you wouldn’t have put her in the position of having to tell her boss, who drunkenly text her in the middle of the night, to get lost.

If you really didn’t need this job and would be happy to leave if she says no, why didn’t you just leave the job then contact her. If she is ‘everything’ you want and you are arsed about the job, it would have been no sacrifice.

WiIIowT · 15/11/2023 11:45

You've physically been around this woman for no more than about 70 working days. This is a but much. I'd be freaked if someone done this to me, especially my boss. I think you should turn your phone off when you're pissed, and only act on things when you're sober.

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/11/2023 11:47

You sent this poor woman a the middle of the night message? She really won't see this like Love Actually.

huuskymam · 15/11/2023 11:50

Well done you for making this poor womans work environment as uncomfortable as possible because of your feelings. She probably didn't reply because she can see how inappropriate the message was. Don't go into the office to have a chat, send her a message apologising, tell her you were drunk, then leave her alone.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/11/2023 11:54

I think you should
Follow it up today with
'I'm really sorry for texting outside of normal hours and hope that didn't make you feel uncomfortable. Obviously no pressure to reply and I won't text your personal number out of the blue. Have a good week.'