Am I overreacting about his new friend

[Deners]

My husband has recently Made friends with a new parent at the kids school. Shes only just moved to the area, and after our kids became close, he has got to know her through the school run etc.

I've been getting uncomfortable with their friendship, first it was lots of texts, talking about her constantly.Then xx started on the end of messages. Then he started collecting her kids from school for her and she'd come over to collect them, but stay for an hour, drink wine (2glasses on the side) and will always be gone before i get home from work. it's just odd

We had a halloween party, and as all the kids are friendly. she and her kids came along. My husband had a LOT to drink, and is openly flirting with her, arms around her waist, slap bum. The works. I was mortified, this was in front of our other friends. They commented on his behaviour. I went to bed pretty upset and left him to tidy up.

I woke up an hour Or so later. I can hear giggling. it's her laughing and then I hear what shes saying. it's X rated along the lines of you can do whateveryou want to me, your wife is asleep!!!

I crept out and saw husband sat on the stairs, he was very drunk, head spinning and didn't look well. I shouted at her that I'd heard everything she had said and to get out of my house. Huge argument but eventually she leaves, but not before comments about how much better in bed she'd be etc. I was beyond angry.

The next day me and husband had a long chat about it all. He felt he's been niave, trying to be friendly to her which she's misinterpreted. I felt he's been a fool at best, super disrespectful bordering on emotionally cheating at worst. He apologised, blocked all contact and told her to arrange alternative childcare. Perfect.

Until this evening when he mentions her casually and how bad she's feeling about it all and wants to go back to where things were. Wtaf? His view is she had become a good friend and he enjoyed her company. My view is she is a snake and I want nothing more to do with her. I also feel we should be united on this, but he says he was really drunk that night and doesn't really remember much.

I feel so hurt and let down. AIBU or am I in my right to ask him to avoid her?

I certainly wouldn't be staying with him. Drunk or not. No excuse

He had his arms around her waist?! Flipping heck… not acceptable

You've given him a chance to prove that he's not going to take it further OP, and already he's trying to talk you around, I'd be showing him the door! You know the saying 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME!' Nothing but red flags from here I'm afraid.

I’m just impressed by your self control. I would’ve knocked the silly cow’s head off. Followed by his.

She is a snake and he's lapping it up. I'd tell him her or Me and if he goes so be it. If he stays zero contact

Sounds like he’s happy to choose his “friendship” with her over his marriage to you then? I wouldn’t wait for him to humiliate me with her again tbh.

What a cunt.

How does he even know she's feeling bad if he has blocked all contact?

No you're absolutely not over-reacting. They are practically cheating in plain sight. The kindest interpretation is that she's interested and he's either flattered or just goading you. At worst it's a full blown affair.

Whatever it is, its highly disrespectful and you don't deserve it.

He sounds like a sleaze and a nasty piece of work. Is this unusual behaviour? I wouldn't be able to get past this.

this. He's playing the naive card like he wasn't flirting with her all these days, with the texting and Xxx ing.

Why are you putting up with this disrespect? he needs to leave at least for a while to have a good think about what he's about to lose.

He knows where the door is, her either walks through it or has nothing more to do with her. Those are his two choices. The nerve of them both.

He’s taking the piss. Fuck off you gaslighting cunt, would be my response. Duck off some more thinking I’m that stupid.

Don’t be a cool wife, don’t be a mug.

Sit him down, calmly, with a glass of something if need be, when you will not be disturbed. Say 'I am going to speak for the next minute or two, uninterrupted, ok'.

You understand it felt like she was giving something to him.
Friendship, chat, attention, you know. Just something slightly different.

However.

What she has now proven is that she wants to TAKE from him.
His marital stability, the respect of you, and his friends, eventually his children.
His financial footing, should she cause a divorce, family upset for years, his reputation and judgement. His standing and calibre of a man.
If he thinks she is really worth ALL that, then let's go ahead and tell the kids tomorrow and file for divorce. Tell him you gave copies of all paperwork of financials so no point trying to go off and hide anything from tonight.

Good luck op.x

Based on what you said I dont think he has crossed that line of an actual affair (physically anyway in his mind). I would certainly not accept the friendship again and tell him its non negotiable end of! If he chooses to persue then its marriage over, should he actually carry on he has pretty much made the decision anyway knowing the consequences.

He slapped her bum!!!!!

I’d not even want my DH to do that to me in public, especially when drunk but to do it to someone else! Utterly disrespectful, you deserve far better.

One of my very best friends is a man, I'm normally quick to fight the corner of platonic mixed sex friendships.

Not this one. It really would be a me or her choice for him to make in this situation... in fact I think we'd already be beyond that by now.

My friend and I had a drunken snog once, and very quickly decided it was too weird and we were definitely just friends. We've been drunk together many, many times since and never come close to crossing that line again.. We were 15 at the time, over 20 years ago.

She has no interest in being his friend and he knows that. It sounds like she was the instigator that night, if he was just sitting on the stairs, but given that his prior behaviour was blatant enough for other guests to notice she probably thought it was a sure bet!

The very best he can be in this situation is a disrespectful wanker ranking flattery as more important than the feelings of his wife, otherwise he wouldn't even consider "going back to how things were" after the way she disrespected you, in your own home no less. That's not something I could ever quite get over I don't think, even if he did backtrack now. The fact he even thought it would be ok would have had me packing his bags!

He absolutely should have no contact with her if he wants to maintain a relationship with you but honestly I think the more important question is how much you want to be in this relationship. It doesn’t sound like he respects you or holds you in mind at all when. You deserve better.

This is just disgusting behavior from the both of them and you tell him calmly and firmly that if he wants to remain friends with her he can move out. No texting, chatting nothing as their behavior is unacceptable. I would have called him out on it with the arm around her waist etc. Disrespecting you in front of everyone on Halloween would be the last straw for me. I probably would have thrown him out then.
It shows that the two of them have been talking again and tell him he can move out if he persists in wanting to have a friendship with her as we both know where this is heading.
He is a shit and him saying he cannot remember is crap and she is also a biatch.
She has made it perfectly clear what her intentions are and he is equally being so disrespectful to you.

Imagine if you were doing this with another man and having him over to your house and drinking wine and emotionally entwined and flirting openly in front of everyone and hanging onto another man, he would be furious.
I would not put up with this in any way or form and would probably have kicked him out already.

I think the writing is on the wall here. Your husband had his head turned/is enjoying the attention of this women. I would tell him to run along as he has zero respect for you. I am sorry you are in this situation.

Your husband is a slimeball. If it’s not this woman it will be another. That’s what happens when you mix people with the morals of alley cats, they behave as such.

He’s actually conducting an affair right in front of you and expecting your permission.

Even before the Halloween incident it sounds highly dodgy but his behaviour and then what she said that night would have had him out the house for me I’m sorry. Am affair is my line in the sand and he’s clearly not remorseful he’s just missing her and somehow expecting you to give it your blessing.

You are on the verge of being made a real fool of which is awful as you have clearly tried to give him the opportunity to wake up to what he’s about to lose. His attraction to her is clearly stronger.

I'm sorry op, his head has been turned by all the attention. You are not being unreasonable at all.

Of course he shouldn’t be seeing her, but YABU to put all the blame at HER door when he
”is openly flirting with her, arms around her waist, slap bum.”
She didn’t make him hold her and slap her bum. His behaviour is on him.

Remind him she was offering to shag him while you were upstairs and that was the bit you objected to.

As others have noted, how can he know she's upset if he's gone no contact? 🤔

Remind him that adultery ends in divorce and you have witnesses.

Her behaviour that night surely means she can't ever be welcome in your house. I take it she hasn't even apologised!

He is out of his mind to think you'd be ok with this.