Am I overreacting about his new friend

[Deners]

My husband has recently Made friends with a new parent at the kids school. Shes only just moved to the area, and after our kids became close, he has got to know her through the school run etc.

I've been getting uncomfortable with their friendship, first it was lots of texts, talking about her constantly.Then xx started on the end of messages. Then he started collecting her kids from school for her and she'd come over to collect them, but stay for an hour, drink wine (2glasses on the side) and will always be gone before i get home from work. it's just odd

We had a halloween party, and as all the kids are friendly. she and her kids came along. My husband had a LOT to drink, and is openly flirting with her, arms around her waist, slap bum. The works. I was mortified, this was in front of our other friends. They commented on his behaviour. I went to bed pretty upset and left him to tidy up.

I woke up an hour Or so later. I can hear giggling. it's her laughing and then I hear what shes saying. it's X rated along the lines of you can do whateveryou want to me, your wife is asleep!!!

I crept out and saw husband sat on the stairs, he was very drunk, head spinning and didn't look well. I shouted at her that I'd heard everything she had said and to get out of my house. Huge argument but eventually she leaves, but not before comments about how much better in bed she'd be etc. I was beyond angry.

The next day me and husband had a long chat about it all. He felt he's been niave, trying to be friendly to her which she's misinterpreted. I felt he's been a fool at best, super disrespectful bordering on emotionally cheating at worst. He apologised, blocked all contact and told her to arrange alternative childcare. Perfect.

Until this evening when he mentions her casually and how bad she's feeling about it all and wants to go back to where things were. Wtaf? His view is she had become a good friend and he enjoyed her company. My view is she is a snake and I want nothing more to do with her. I also feel we should be united on this, but he says he was really drunk that night and doesn't really remember much.

I feel so hurt and let down. AIBU or am I in my right to ask him to avoid her?

She’s appalling but she isn’t the real problem. HE is. If he were loyal and decent, she could dance the can can stark naked in front of him and he wouldn’t cheat.

Sadly I think it’s already gone too far. Be prepared OP, and be strong.

You know what to do.

I would sit him down tomorrow and have the chat. She isn’t his friend-she wanted a shag whilst you were asleep upstairs. If she was that apologetic she would have been round to you not going via him-and if he’s blocked her how is she doing that anyway?

I would say to him “If you want to start this friendship up again then our marriage is done and you can move out. I will not be disrespected in my own home. Please leave”

…am I in my right to ask him to avoid her?

@Deners, don’t ask. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he must cut her off if he wants to stay married to you….that going NC with her is a recovery requirement, and you won’t even consider staying unless she is permanently banished.

He is showing a complete lack of remorse, respect and empathy by suggesting that they should be able to be friends. He’s playing you like a fiddle and attempting to sneak her back into your marriage by stealth. These two affair partners will never be platonic friends.

Unfortunately, his latest agenda and their continued interaction is evidence that OW is still his priority. He is clearly obsessed. @Deners, he’s a bad bet for a successful reconciliation.

Have a long hard think about what he has already done and the fact that he disrespects you so much that he would consider having a friendship with her .and then ask yourself honestly if you deserve this and want this excuse of a human being in your life. Hopefully you will come to the conclusion that he has more than overstepped the line and rid yourself of him for good. If not then sadly you may as well look forward to more of the same because someone with this little insight will absolutely not change.

How are things going today, @Deners?

My husband had a LOT to drink, and is openly flirting with her, arms around her waist, slap bum

I think this is the point at which I would have ended the marriage. Either they are not just friends and he was revealing his affair in front of you and all your friends, or they are just friends and he's a massive sleazeball who touches up women.

However, if you do want to stay with him, then no, it absolutely cannot 'go back to being how it was'. They've either been shagging or are desperate to start shagging and she has said awful, awful things to you. She is foul and your husband is a pathetic little worm.

I don't see how you can possibly trust him after this. If something physical hasn't already happened, it's only a matter of time, and even if the 'only' things that have happened are what you've witnessed with your own eyes and ears, that's more than enough reason to leave him. He should be desperately trying to win back your trust, not trying to finagle her back into your good graces!

It wasn't all one sided, arms aroubd her waist etc. Wtf did you go to bed? I’d of kicked her out then. He eithers cuts all contact or leaves. I’m not sure I could stay married. Hes not niave btw he enjoyed it

I crept out and saw husband sat on the stairs, he was very drunk, head spinning and didn't look well. I shouted at her that I'd heard everything she had said and to get out of my house. Huge argument but eventually she leaves, but not before comments about how much better in bed she'd be etc. I was beyond angry

Just in case your husband needs a reminder, tell him this ⬆️. The fact that he is willing you to give her another chance after what she said to you absolutely beggars belief. I feel bad for you OP, awful situation to be in. You need to be super assertive here and tell him straight, no friendship and if he insists, say goodbye. Sending hugs.

"My husband had a LOT to drink, and is openly flirting with her, arms around her waist, slap bum. "

At the end of the day, everyone takes responsibility for their actions - intoxicated or not. He knows exactly what he is doing and he needs to decide - new friend or family. What he is doing to you- causing you this internal storm of painful emotions is not on.

That would be a nope from me. I'd ask him to choose me or her. If he said her, then he's got to go. You cannot allow this to happen any more. If he needs friends, he can get to know the dads.

It’s very easy for other ppl to tell
you to kick him out, OP. You know what would happen. It would pretty much be a full gone conclusion. She sounds like she’s single and waiting for ANY opportunity. If he goes to her, which is highly likely, they’d either form a relationship that you will be aware of and have to face daily, as she won’t be moving anywhere and taking her kids out the school your kids go to, and you said your kids are friends, which makes this even more messy and horrible for you. The woman sounds like vermin so the relationship may or may not work out. Another likely scenario is that your husband will come to his senses when he’s had his cake and eaten it and want to come straight back to you and normality.

If it were me, despite what has happened, I wouldn’t be rushing to push the two of them together, I’d want time to take stock and come to a decision with a clear head bc what you decide will have a major impact on your life and your children’s forever. The responsibility obv isn’t on you, OP. I just want to highlight the fact that if you kick him out (as most ppl would be tempted to do) you will most likely be lighting the touch paper to an affair that may or may not have actually happened yet. Some ppl couldn’t live with your husband’s behaviour either way and would feel their marriage was over anyway, but they aren’t you. Take time to process what has happened and what may happen after the decision you make. He has been a total and complete wanker, to put it mildly, but he can still prove that he wants to be with you - but he must prove it. I don’t see how he can maintain any kind of a ‘friendship’ with this woman as you know clearly what her intentions are even if his are muddled.

After what other ppl have witnessed it’s likely that other mums at drop off are gossiping about her and will hopefully be making her feel pretty uncomfortable- unless she’s the type who carry on regardless and don’t give a shit what other women think. You may or may not choose to share what she did that night to really cement ppls views of her - with any luck she could move her kids to another school, and piss off herself. (Not fair on them, but maybe best for them in the long run)

I do agree with the poster who suggested you sit your husband down and tell him what this woman will ultimately take from him. It may be the wake up call he needs.

It is truly despicable behaviour and a tragic situation - it sounds like the plot from a tv show - it must be utter hell to be in the middle of it and living it. Sending you lots of support and good wishes, OP. I hope the outcome is the best it can be for you and your children x