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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overreacting about his new friend

112 replies

Deners · 14/11/2023 21:31

My husband has recently Made friends with a new parent at the kids school. Shes only just moved to the area, and after our kids became close, he has got to know her through the school run etc.

I've been getting uncomfortable with their friendship, first it was lots of texts, talking about her constantly.Then xx started on the end of messages. Then he started collecting her kids from school for her and she'd come over to collect them, but stay for an hour, drink wine (2glasses on the side) and will always be gone before i get home from work. it's just odd

We had a halloween party, and as all the kids are friendly. she and her kids came along. My husband had a LOT to drink, and is openly flirting with her, arms around her waist, slap bum. The works. I was mortified, this was in front of our other friends. They commented on his behaviour. I went to bed pretty upset and left him to tidy up.

I woke up an hour Or so later. I can hear giggling. it's her laughing and then I hear what shes saying. it's X rated along the lines of you can do whateveryou want to me, your wife is asleep!!!

I crept out and saw husband sat on the stairs, he was very drunk, head spinning and didn't look well. I shouted at her that I'd heard everything she had said and to get out of my house. Huge argument but eventually she leaves, but not before comments about how much better in bed she'd be etc. I was beyond angry.

The next day me and husband had a long chat about it all. He felt he's been niave, trying to be friendly to her which she's misinterpreted. I felt he's been a fool at best, super disrespectful bordering on emotionally cheating at worst. He apologised, blocked all contact and told her to arrange alternative childcare. Perfect.

Until this evening when he mentions her casually and how bad she's feeling about it all and wants to go back to where things were. Wtaf? His view is she had become a good friend and he enjoyed her company. My view is she is a snake and I want nothing more to do with her. I also feel we should be united on this, but he says he was really drunk that night and doesn't really remember much.

I feel so hurt and let down. AIBU or am I in my right to ask him to avoid her?

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 14/11/2023 22:22

I think you’re under-reacting to your husband’s disgusting behaviour.

So far He’s guilty of excessive texting, inappropriate holding, slapping bum and having sexual conversations with another.

I would say he is the snake.

Madam has set her stall, so you both know she wants him.

The snake, however, is gaslighting you in pretending he was naive to all this and should somehow be allowed to carry on this ‘friendship’. This is after she has made it clear she is ready to get sexually involved AND disrespected his wife, presumably in your marital home.

Womencanlift · 14/11/2023 22:22

He has a simple choice - your marriage or their friendship. He can only have one

Not saying that husband’s can’t have female friends, my DP has plenty which I have no issue with. But when a line is crossed, and they are both so far over the line they are in a different county, that’s when there needs to be a choice

Emptyheadlock · 14/11/2023 22:25

The absolute pair of rats.

My marriage would be over at this, and if she were married I'd make damn sure hers was too.

And everyone around would know exactly what they had done.

OnWhatGrounds · 14/11/2023 22:30

You frame this from the perspective of her being the trouble causer, but your husband knew what he was doing. He was not, I repeat, NOT, naive to this.
Flirting, arm on waist, slapping her bum, he knew exactly what he was doing and was brazen.
He has behaved disgracefully (as has she), and they both need to be ashamed. How embarrassing for your children and hers.

I would be telling him in clearly that he's been having at the very least an emotional affair. He's slowly trying to normalise and bring her back in after the drama has settled, and you are not seeing him for what he is

Mumbleer · 14/11/2023 22:31

Yeah you are definitely underreacting.

I would be steaming livid at this - the texts and touching at the party would probably have been enough to kick DH out. If I'd heard what she said and the remarks afterwards I would have slung her out by her hair. And then dealt with DH after.

The fact that they have talked again after he "blocked" her? Nope. That's strike two. Out.

Unfortunately he's obviously weak and does not respect you at all to even consider her feelings. He's probably too far gone. She is awful too but this is on him to shut down.

Glassofwino · 14/11/2023 22:34

What part of this man’s brain thinks it’s acceptable to be her friend after all that???? I’m sure he’d love it, if the shoe was on the other foot

1983Louise · 14/11/2023 22:37

Shag his best mate, he'll soon get the message............

HaveSomeIntrospect · 14/11/2023 22:41

Your husband is a grade A idiot! Don’t blame her, he’s the one who made vows to you

justwatchingtelly · 14/11/2023 22:42

Mumbleer · 14/11/2023 22:31

Yeah you are definitely underreacting.

I would be steaming livid at this - the texts and touching at the party would probably have been enough to kick DH out. If I'd heard what she said and the remarks afterwards I would have slung her out by her hair. And then dealt with DH after.

The fact that they have talked again after he "blocked" her? Nope. That's strike two. Out.

Unfortunately he's obviously weak and does not respect you at all to even consider her feelings. He's probably too far gone. She is awful too but this is on him to shut down.

This!!!

wildwestpioneer · 14/11/2023 22:45

His flirting and what she said to you, he's lucky you're still around.

To try and go back to what it was, is a huge kick in the teeth for you. Any one who truly loved and respected you wouldn't ask that. They'd block and never speak to that person again, be remorseful and do whatever possible to make it up to you

SleepPrettyDarling · 14/11/2023 22:48

Mydahliasareshit · 14/11/2023 21:56

Sit him down, calmly, with a glass of something if need be, when you will not be disturbed. Say 'I am going to speak for the next minute or two, uninterrupted, ok'.

You understand it felt like she was giving something to him.
Friendship, chat, attention, you know. Just something slightly different.

However.

What she has now proven is that she wants to TAKE from him.
His marital stability, the respect of you, and his friends, eventually his children.
His financial footing, should she cause a divorce, family upset for years, his reputation and judgement. His standing and calibre of a man.
If he thinks she is really worth ALL that, then let's go ahead and tell the kids tomorrow and file for divorce. Tell him you gave copies of all paperwork of financials so no point trying to go off and hide anything from tonight.

Good luck op.x

This. You need your cool head. Be prepared for the outburst of how you are crazy/controlling/over-reacting, and let him have his rant. Keep the cool head, and say ‘well, this is a problem for our marriage because this relationship is intrusive, and I can’t be in a relationship with someone who thinks this is okay. So what are you going to do? Where do your loyalties lie?’

Cheesecakefiend · 14/11/2023 22:49

He's shown you his intentions so do not ignore that. He is prioritising his "friendship" with this woman over your relationship. What more do you need to know.

HamsterBanana · 14/11/2023 22:51

They've probably already slept together. Leave him & take him to the cleaners.

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/11/2023 22:52

Affair in plain sight. You need to be very very clear now that this means divorce. It means the end of your relationship. Let him know that’s what he’s choosing. See what he does. But do not faff about and weakly wait and see how it unfolds. Act now.

PaminaMozart · 14/11/2023 22:52

This would most definitely be a hill I'd be prepared to die on

Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2023 22:54

Your husband is having an affair, op. The sooner you accept this the better. Stop being a mug.

Allofaflutter · 14/11/2023 22:54

You know he’s cheating deep down. Don’t be a doormat for his “friendship”. Door tonight.

MexterDorgan · 14/11/2023 22:54

He slapped her bum? Vile

PrimalOwl10 · 14/11/2023 23:00

I too suspect they've already had sex op atleast been intimate

GabriellaMontez · 14/11/2023 23:08

she had become a good friend

Wtf. This is not the behaviour of a good friend. For the way she spoke in your home, he should cut her dead.

That's without even mentioning the slapping etc

Starbeeees · 14/11/2023 23:09

shes clearly batshit herself , with morals down the drain, but it’s not like your husband didn’t encourage this behaviour from her either. He’s been lapping it up. God knows what’s been said and done when you haven’t been around. He’s made himself available.

Gcsunnyside23 · 14/11/2023 23:10

I'd tell him to leave for suggesting he rekindle the friendship. Although he obviously already has as he said he'd blocked her but they are having conversations

PrestonHood121 · 14/11/2023 23:10

No contact with that crazy woman ever again or no marriage. But I wouldn’t trust him not to contact her so start making plans for when he does

Selenitetower · 14/11/2023 23:11

Big nope! I’d be telling him that if he wants to maintain any type of relationship with her to pack his bag and gtf out!!! They BOTH knew what they were doing, he isn’t naive he is hoping that you are naive enough to believe his bs. He had been emotionally cheating on you there is nothing borderline about it. She hasn’t just come out and said you can do whatever you want to me your wife is asleep from being friendly he has obviously implied that something physical could happen if given the chance. I would seriously rethink the marriage, if you want to salvage it then boundaries need to be put in place and he NEEDS to adhere to them.

BethDuttonsTwin · 14/11/2023 23:17

Mydahliasareshit · 14/11/2023 21:56

Sit him down, calmly, with a glass of something if need be, when you will not be disturbed. Say 'I am going to speak for the next minute or two, uninterrupted, ok'.

You understand it felt like she was giving something to him.
Friendship, chat, attention, you know. Just something slightly different.

However.

What she has now proven is that she wants to TAKE from him.
His marital stability, the respect of you, and his friends, eventually his children.
His financial footing, should she cause a divorce, family upset for years, his reputation and judgement. His standing and calibre of a man.
If he thinks she is really worth ALL that, then let's go ahead and tell the kids tomorrow and file for divorce. Tell him you gave copies of all paperwork of financials so no point trying to go off and hide anything from tonight.

Good luck op.x

If he has fallen for her none of this will mean a thing to him. Not one word. If you kick him out he will go straight to her. I actually think it’s already gone too far and there’s no saving it, only prolonging the break up while they continue to humiliate you.