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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overreacting about his new friend

112 replies

Deners · 14/11/2023 21:31

My husband has recently Made friends with a new parent at the kids school. Shes only just moved to the area, and after our kids became close, he has got to know her through the school run etc.

I've been getting uncomfortable with their friendship, first it was lots of texts, talking about her constantly.Then xx started on the end of messages. Then he started collecting her kids from school for her and she'd come over to collect them, but stay for an hour, drink wine (2glasses on the side) and will always be gone before i get home from work. it's just odd

We had a halloween party, and as all the kids are friendly. she and her kids came along. My husband had a LOT to drink, and is openly flirting with her, arms around her waist, slap bum. The works. I was mortified, this was in front of our other friends. They commented on his behaviour. I went to bed pretty upset and left him to tidy up.

I woke up an hour Or so later. I can hear giggling. it's her laughing and then I hear what shes saying. it's X rated along the lines of you can do whateveryou want to me, your wife is asleep!!!

I crept out and saw husband sat on the stairs, he was very drunk, head spinning and didn't look well. I shouted at her that I'd heard everything she had said and to get out of my house. Huge argument but eventually she leaves, but not before comments about how much better in bed she'd be etc. I was beyond angry.

The next day me and husband had a long chat about it all. He felt he's been niave, trying to be friendly to her which she's misinterpreted. I felt he's been a fool at best, super disrespectful bordering on emotionally cheating at worst. He apologised, blocked all contact and told her to arrange alternative childcare. Perfect.

Until this evening when he mentions her casually and how bad she's feeling about it all and wants to go back to where things were. Wtaf? His view is she had become a good friend and he enjoyed her company. My view is she is a snake and I want nothing more to do with her. I also feel we should be united on this, but he says he was really drunk that night and doesn't really remember much.

I feel so hurt and let down. AIBU or am I in my right to ask him to avoid her?

OP posts:
tara66 · 14/11/2023 23:18

You should be totally enraged OP - IN YOUR OWN HOUSE? Absolutely not acceptable.

Copperoliverbear · 14/11/2023 23:23

I'd tell him, if you and her remain friends, we are over.

momonpurpose · 14/11/2023 23:23

Mamato29192 · 14/11/2023 21:33

I certainly wouldn't be staying with him. Drunk or not. No excuse

He humiliated you in front of people. Clearly something is going on on both sides. I'm sorry op but no way would I stay

crumblycrust · 14/11/2023 23:26

His arms are around her waist and he's slapping her bum and SHE'S the snake? Darling you're married to a boa constrictor that loves wrapping itself around women's bodies. Maybe they're both a pair of boa constrictors but he's still one.

Backtoblack1 · 14/11/2023 23:26

Absolutely do not put up with this!

crumblycrust · 14/11/2023 23:29

Your language is so weird about a couple getting handsy with each other in front of you... Just an 'emotional affair', 'WE should be united on this' etc... To be really crude, even if he had dropped his pants and started shagging her on the floor in front of you and your friends, you'd probably believe he didn't mean to.

QS90 · 14/11/2023 23:30

Even if the friendship going forward were to be completely innocent (which it won't be), how could he expect you to be okay with it? It's such extreme disrespect, there's no way he should want to be friends with her in the circumstances, even if you were for some reason okay with it.

Sorry op, I'd say that even his suggesting a continued "friendship" is appallingly - I'd have a frank chat with him about your future together and look into your options for if you split x

Tawlk · 14/11/2023 23:34

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, your husband is being a dick and he’s a good as cheating in my eyes. Think you guys probably need a more serious conversation. It’s shit for you and I’m sorry but don’t be mugged off by them x

Canisaysomething · 14/11/2023 23:56

My husband had a LOT to drink, and is openly flirting with her, arms around her waist, slap bum.

This can’t be real surely. In what world does a married man slap another woman on her bum in front of his wife!

CheekyHobson · 15/11/2023 00:00

Sorry, OP, but I think it’s curtains for your marriage.

First he is brazen enough to carry on an at-least emotional and probably physical affair in your home, and shamelessly flirting with the OW in front of your face.

Then, after his affair partner suggests shagging in your own home and openly insults you when caught red-handed, he tries to play naive when its clear he knew they were behaving inappropriately all along (or does he slap the bums of all the women he knows? No, didn’t think so) and gaslights you with claims that he can’t really remember what happened.

Now, barely a couple of weeks later he’s trying to sweep it under the carpet so he can pick up where he left off with the woman who outrageously insulted his wife and made her designs on him clear, while pretending they can “just be friends”.

Do you honestly believe a word of his bullshit? He knew exactly what he was doing the whole time, he remembers what happened on Halloween night just fine (and even if not it wouldn’t mean he can act as though it didn’t really occur) and he knows a friendship with her would be deeply hurtful to you yet is casually suggesting it anyway.

Pack his bags and call a lawyer.

CheekyHobson · 15/11/2023 00:01

This can’t be real surely. In what world does a married man slap another woman on her bum in front of his wife!

Sadly I have seen this exact thing happen and yep, they were having an affair.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/11/2023 00:10

Forget about this woman, she isn't the issue.

The problem is your husband. He is the one that you're married to, and he was a willing participant in this shit. I wouldn't ever be able to trust him again.

ImustLearn2Cook · 15/11/2023 00:14

CheekyHobson · 15/11/2023 00:01

This can’t be real surely. In what world does a married man slap another woman on her bum in front of his wife!

Sadly I have seen this exact thing happen and yep, they were having an affair.

I have seen this exact same thing too.

@Deners 💐What your husband and this woman did was absolutely terrible and disrespectful. How fucking dare they. Good on you for telling her to get the fuck out of your house. And while your husband is certainly not innocent, I agree with you that this woman is a man stealing snake.

Newestname002 · 15/11/2023 00:29

@Deners

Until this evening when he mentions her casually and how bad she's feeling about it all and wants to go back to where things were. Wtaf? His view is she had become a good friend and he enjoyed her company. My view is she is a snake and I want nothing more to do with her. I also feel we should be united on this, but he says he was really drunk that night and doesn't really remember much.

  • Ask him if this is his way of saying he wants a divorce - because that's where he's heading.
  • Tell him that, if he doesn't remember, there are a number of your mutual friends who saw what was going on and can refresh his memory.

He is absolutely unrepentant about his behaviour. Do whatever you need (legally) to let him know you will not accept this disrespect. Protect yourself - ensure you have a firm grip on your family finances in case (though hopefully not) it gets to the point where you might need to split assets and go your separate ways. 🌹

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/11/2023 00:36

pacificoceanwhale · 14/11/2023 21:44

How does he even know she's feeling bad if he has blocked all contact?

My first thought too.

so he has infact unblocked her and lied by ommission when he didnt tell you that they were back in touch.

Belleoftheball83 · 15/11/2023 00:47

Ultimately, how are you going to trust him again? He's already broken your agreement for him to cut her off (they've clearly spoken for him to say she's feeling bad about it) so even if you give him an ultimatum, how will you believe he's sticking to it?

And agreed with the other posters, he's just as bad as she is. Sounds like they deserve each other.

saythatagaintome · 15/11/2023 00:55

Deners · 14/11/2023 21:31

My husband has recently Made friends with a new parent at the kids school. Shes only just moved to the area, and after our kids became close, he has got to know her through the school run etc.

I've been getting uncomfortable with their friendship, first it was lots of texts, talking about her constantly.Then xx started on the end of messages. Then he started collecting her kids from school for her and she'd come over to collect them, but stay for an hour, drink wine (2glasses on the side) and will always be gone before i get home from work. it's just odd

We had a halloween party, and as all the kids are friendly. she and her kids came along. My husband had a LOT to drink, and is openly flirting with her, arms around her waist, slap bum. The works. I was mortified, this was in front of our other friends. They commented on his behaviour. I went to bed pretty upset and left him to tidy up.

I woke up an hour Or so later. I can hear giggling. it's her laughing and then I hear what shes saying. it's X rated along the lines of you can do whateveryou want to me, your wife is asleep!!!

I crept out and saw husband sat on the stairs, he was very drunk, head spinning and didn't look well. I shouted at her that I'd heard everything she had said and to get out of my house. Huge argument but eventually she leaves, but not before comments about how much better in bed she'd be etc. I was beyond angry.

The next day me and husband had a long chat about it all. He felt he's been niave, trying to be friendly to her which she's misinterpreted. I felt he's been a fool at best, super disrespectful bordering on emotionally cheating at worst. He apologised, blocked all contact and told her to arrange alternative childcare. Perfect.

Until this evening when he mentions her casually and how bad she's feeling about it all and wants to go back to where things were. Wtaf? His view is she had become a good friend and he enjoyed her company. My view is she is a snake and I want nothing more to do with her. I also feel we should be united on this, but he says he was really drunk that night and doesn't really remember much.

I feel so hurt and let down. AIBU or am I in my right to ask him to avoid her?

Are you overreacting? Is this a real post!?!?!

saythatagaintome · 15/11/2023 00:58

pacificoceanwhale · 14/11/2023 21:44

How does he even know she's feeling bad if he has blocked all contact?

This

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 15/11/2023 01:00

He is LOVING having two women (in his mind) essentially 'fighting' over him. He loved the attention and it's HIM that wants to 'go back to how things were' because he basically had a wife as well as a pseudo-girlfriend who fancied the pants off him. He loved it and wants more of it

justanothermanicmonday1 · 15/11/2023 01:00

I'm so sorry this is beyond shit.

Personally, if it was my DP. He would be gone.

Arms around the waist and bum slap? In front of friends? In front of children? Gone & wouldn't even hesitate. To me that's cheating.

You've told him how you felt and it's apparent he's unblocked her and he's chatting to her. Totally disgusting and disrespectful to you yet again.

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 15/11/2023 01:01

@pacificoceanwhale Presumably they saw each other at school drop off or pick up. OP said she's a school Mum

charabang · 15/11/2023 01:01

This is an affair. He is not naive; he knows what he is doing. You need to play catch up and decide how you're going to play this. Personally it would be over for me once respect and trust has gone.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 15/11/2023 01:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 15/11/2023 01:03

Did you tell him that she said she would be better in bed?? If so and he didn't immediately become absolutely furious^ with her, then there's your answer. Because if he wasn't interested in her then that would^ infuriate him, wouldn't it?

junbean · 15/11/2023 01:04

If he blocked her how did she communicate trying to start over? they're both snakes.

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