To think that you can have an ‘easier’ baby if you do the right things?

[isthisunfairth]

I know that some babies quite literally scream and scream. Some have reflux etc and there are reasons why they are harder to look after.

But AIBU to think some people just don’t do what works? I have a close friend who won’t allow her baby to cry at all in their cot. I get it, but obviously that means the baby won’t self settle. That’s her choice. By the time the baby was two, they had a sleep consultant as the marriage was almost broken and hey presto, leaving to cry for a minute then going back in - literally - over three nights solved things. This could have been done from day one, not two years later.

Food… my child won’t eat X. If that’s all that’s on offer first thing in the morning when most hungry, then they will eat it. You have to persevere, surely?

My baby won’t be put down… they might not like it but they can be put down? AIBU to think this approach just feeds into the baby feeling a bit out of control as the parent is literally doing what they want even if it’s not best overall?

I am by NO means a perfect parent and I am genuinely interested in what people think to this. But I have noticed that people have different approaches to their babies obviously, and sometimes I do think problems are made by the parents. AIBU?!

So true. Mine was a complete dream baby, like your second. Slept, ate and gurgled when awake. My mum couldn’t believe it. My friend had a baby the same age who never stopped crying to the point where I was embarrassed when we met. Her marriage didn’t survive it.

And I’ve never seen the point of forcing kids to eat things they don’t like. Give them something else and move on.

@Babyboomtastic this 100%! My baby is easy as pie. We co sleep and are baby led in our routine and it works for us

Self evidently not comforting a crying child and not accommodating food preference is easier for the parent. But 'easier for the parent' is not the only basis on which most people make parenting decisions.

We never did cry it out, my son is always comforted when he needs it to stop the tears and he isn’t forced to eat things he doesn’t like.
He sleeps through and puts himself back to sleep when he does wake, he eats all his fruit, veggies, fish, meat and he is a happy, kind boy who doesn’t tantrum. I am aware that this is largely luck but I believe part of his happy nature is because he feels safe and secure in his relationship with me and his dad.

YABU, it’s mostly luck and the remainder is forging a good, strong bond.

easier CHILD by being consistant and having boundaries. But easier BABY? when they are the age they cant really understand or follow logic - absolutely not.

My daughter was a very easy baby. My son was not. things changed dramatically once he was able to understand what he was being told and express himself.

Something else I’d say is that not only can two babies/toddlers be very different, and one can be much ‘easier’ than another, but babies and toddlers can actually change throughout their lives (I know, who’d have thought!)

One of mine was an absolute ‘dream’ baby. Slept through the night from 8 weeks. Slept 12 hours from about 16 weeks. Happy, contented, smiley. Would fall asleep anywhere, never minded being put down. I never kidded myself it was anything other than luck, though.

Then somewhere between 8-9 months something changed. Up for hours at night. Refusing to nap. And so on. His sleep has been a real challenge ever since.

I had severe pnd. maybe to someone more experienced and without pnd, my child wouldn’t have been so difficult, and would’ve been a wonderful sleeper..but for me they were.
I already blame myself for what happened to me and how those first few months of our lives together were essentially ruined.

Be grateful your kids are/ were good sleepers and easy. But don’t be so quick to judge others on they’re parenting abilities. Unless you’re kids are fully grown and living the perfect life, you’ve still got a long way to go and plenty of mistakes to make.

Completely agree

I an the exact type of parent you're judging OP, my first was a difficult baby and life was hard. I never left him to cry, always followed his lead. He's now an absolute dream of a toddler and has slept through with very few exceptions since 11mo. I could well say that this is because I've always been a responsive parent and sometimes I do think about that, but I've seen enough of life to remind myself that it's mostly down to luck.

I think if truth be told some parents knowing what they know now would not have had children.

As others have said, some babies are more difficult than others. My DS woke regularly in the night until he was around 1.5yrs. I never did cry it out, it just gradually got better from that point onwards. My marriage didn't suffer as I co-slept and breastfed on demand. I just did what made life easiest. It was easier and less stressful for me to tend to my DS than to let him cry.

My one month old DD sleeps 4-5 hours at a time overnight. She wakes once for a feed and poo and then goes back to sleep. It takes 15 minutes. It just blows my mind how different they are.

I wouldn't change a thing about how I tended to my DS though. I don't judge other parents for doing what they need to do either.

It is worth pointing out that just because your friend's DC responded to being left to cry for a minute as a toddler, it doesn't mean it would have worked at 6 months or earlier. I mean, every baby would likely stop crying eventually if you left them long enough but for a lot of mothers (myself included) that would be significantly more stressful than being up half the night.

Not sure if you are trolling or just a bit thick.

Totally agree with your point that just because you can leave a child as a toddler doesn’t mean it would have worked as a baby. My son absolutely screamed if laid down awake as a baby - he couldn’t tolerate it for a second. We supported him to sleep every night until he was about two, at which point we started leaving him for a few minutes at a time then going back and checking on him. At two, he never cried - would sometimes call for us and we would go back to him, and after a few weeks we reached a point where we can leave him awake and he will happily go to sleep by himself. But I absolutely know it would not have worked at 6 months!

I was the type of parent that you're talking about, OP. Didn't leave dd to cry, responded to her every need, ended up co-sleeping etc. I have no regrets about that whatsoever, and would do things in exactly the same way if I had my time again.

Yes, perhaps it made my life marginally harder in the short term, but for me, it was a question about the type of parent that I wanted to be. I wasn't seeking the easiest option, I was seeking to parent in line with my values and the kind of early childhood experiences that I wanted for my dd.

Fast forward a few years, and my dd is a young adult. She is exceptionally confident, resilient, and has great self esteem. She is also very kind, empathetic and emotionally intelligent. We have a very close relationship. Would she have turned out the same if if her needs hadn't been met effectively as a baby? We will never know, but personally, I will always be glad that we didn't take that risk. A lot of the very smug parents that I knew when dd was younger are not quite so smug any more.

There is now countless research saying letting babies vomit is detrimental. Even the Ferber method states that if you baby is that distressed then you need to abandon it. Of course, parents will do what they can cope with.

Stop shaming parents op.

And this is it. The guilt I would have for letting my kid scream themselves into exhaustion was much worse than sleep deprivation for me. It’s like how I could never smack my kid. That’s my values and how I work and from what I’ve studied. It might be different if I genuinely thought it wasn’t harmful, but I do. I don’t regret what I’ve done.

It's not straightforward though is it? I never left my baby to cry and he can self settle no problem at 16 months. Goes in his cot awake and takes himself off to sleep. Other people achieve the same effect leaving their babies to cry it out. I didn't want to so I didn't, but it is wrong to suggest that not leaving them to cry = a child who can't self settle. I think people take too much credit for themselves if their baby has an easy temperament. And "difficult" babies aren't necessarily the way they are because parents are doing anything wrong- or whatever you consider to be wrong. "What works" isn't the same for every child because funnily enough they're all individuals. Why would I have wanted to let my baby cry "from day one"? Why?

Beyond basic safety things there is no right or wrong way to do things IMO.

I breastfed to sleep and co-slept with both my babies from day one, they contact napped and have never spent a full night in a cot or been left to cry it out. My youngest is 3 and still bed shares with me (more for logistics currently). By OPs logic I should have 2 awful sleepers who will only settle themselves if left to scream for nights on end. Yet my eldest went into his own room around 4 (now 10) and has not once gotten out of bed to mess around, he goes to sleep alone without a fuss. My youngest has slept in a different bed to me 5 times in his entire life (when we went on holiday and he had a shared room with his brother), guess what, not a single issue. Both go to bed with no fuss, tears or messing around and both are asleep quickly and sleep through.

We also have zero bedtime routine, they can go from running around like loons or gaming to bed in minutes without issue, they just go to bed and drop. Bedtime has never been a source of stress or upset for them and they're quite happy to go.

Its not for every family, but it works for ours. Same with food, we never force them to eat something they clearly don't like, yet they eat a fairly decent variety with a few dislikes like most kids. They will eat things that aren't their favourites (not without a moan mind you), but we don't make them eat things they actively dislike (my parents did this and I remember nights spent at the table trying to force food down that was making me gag, and suprise suprise, I'm an incredibly fussy eater as an adult)

Nah, like many others have said my two are completely different and it is nothing to do with my parenting. DD wouldn’t settle if she was left to cry- she would scream until she was purple and forget to breathe. Wanted to be on someone 24/7. Took ages to settle for sleep. DS you literally just pop him in a cot, he’ll look around for a bit then drift off to sleep. Couldn’t believe it! He doesn’t cry unless he’s hungry or in pain, he’s the most chilled out baby.

What a nasty implication. So those of us who didn’t do it like that made our children insecure?
Also nonsense.

She’s talking about what SHE did to make HER babies feel secure, she’s not saying it’s the only way to make a baby feel secure. You’re being needlessly defensive.

@cardibach

No implication intended, if you read it back, I just said that I did what felt comfortable at the time. I didn’t compare myself to anyone, or my kids to anyone’s.

You can only do what you feel comfortable with. Doing it differently would have felt wrong - for me.

🤣🤣🤣

DD1 was an absolute dream as a baby, DD2 was sent to test everyone’s patience.

Roles have reversed now they are older, but DD2 could not be consoled as a baby, she didn’t sleep -no matter where you put her, and was allergic to just about everything so food was a nightmare.

same parents, same environment, very, very different children!

Ah yes. You felt comfortable with the security giving.
You don’t see how this suggests anything else would be uncomfortable to a better person?
It’s nasty and a bit passive aggressive.
if you meant it was what you did and it worked for you that’s what you would say. Instead you said it was very hard but gave them security.

You’re completely right, but you’ll be slated on here op.

@cardibach

I meant that I was happy with the level of security I gave them. If it’s more/less than others then that’s not my fault/concern.

DS1 has ASD/ADHD, so it could be that I got it extremely wrong indeed. Now that you know this about my family, does it make you feel better?