To think that you can have an ‘easier’ baby if you do the right things?

[isthisunfairth]

I know that some babies quite literally scream and scream. Some have reflux etc and there are reasons why they are harder to look after.

But AIBU to think some people just don’t do what works? I have a close friend who won’t allow her baby to cry at all in their cot. I get it, but obviously that means the baby won’t self settle. That’s her choice. By the time the baby was two, they had a sleep consultant as the marriage was almost broken and hey presto, leaving to cry for a minute then going back in - literally - over three nights solved things. This could have been done from day one, not two years later.

Food… my child won’t eat X. If that’s all that’s on offer first thing in the morning when most hungry, then they will eat it. You have to persevere, surely?

My baby won’t be put down… they might not like it but they can be put down? AIBU to think this approach just feeds into the baby feeling a bit out of control as the parent is literally doing what they want even if it’s not best overall?

I am by NO means a perfect parent and I am genuinely interested in what people think to this. But I have noticed that people have different approaches to their babies obviously, and sometimes I do think problems are made by the parents. AIBU?!

@Humbugg have you even read any of my posts? I am not goading

My baby didn't want to be put down, so I didn't put him down. Worked fine us. I was happy, baby was happy. What's the problem with that?

@Humbugg two, one hard and one easier

Some parents make it hard for themselves - and perhaps others make it hard for their babies instead 😁

This has been my experience too. I was so smug 😂 Turns out I was actually just lucky.

Both children were non-sleeping, refluxing, failing to thrive, permanently stuck on me despite doing all the "right" things. Both breastfed for over 2 years. Baby 2 spent most of his early life in a sling because it was the pandemic and freed up my hands for my then aged 4 DS1.

At about 8 months, they both decided that they quite liked sleeping and stopped waking every 45 mins and making me feel like I wanted to die of tiredness. Up until then, no amount of leaving to cry, not leaving to cry, gradual retreat or any other form of "training" worked.

People would say I have 'easy' children; they sleep very well, eat well and will go to bed for anyone within 20 mins including brand new babysitters. I consider myself lucky, and no better at parenting than anyone else - the first 8 months were awful, and I was better prepared for it with the second child but it still didn't help.

You don't get to chose the sort of baby you have, and judgey comments during their early days made me feel awful.

I think that's my problem with all the books & regimens. You might find they work but actually your life is more limited as you've no flexibility with naptimes & bedtimes & dinnertimes etc. You can't go out later with baby, do things that break the routine. SIL's children are LOVELY! But on their visits they've been restricted in what they can do. Wanted to take them to an evening thing at the Eden project (they live in another country so this was a really special thing) but they couldn't go cos Routine. She's now much more relaxed with DS3 (who is also adorable & very easy going, so maybe she just makes chill kids?).

I'm a wing-it type, all of my 3 were different. We worked around them, were exhausted to distraction, made mistakes I'm sure. Ime there does seem to be a difference in approach between socioeconomic groups regards how regimented & strict people are.

My advice to DS1 & his partner about his new baby was not to listen to other people, just do what feels right for you. That they go through phases & it's nothing to do with you failing, it's just what babies do. Their baby is the most chill thing I've ever seen to the point of me saying not to have another cos this is too good to be true 😂

No 1 and 2 where easy enough babies

Both ate and slept well

Then came no 3-he broke me

I still say I'm broken-hes 23 and about to become a dad himself

I wouldn't wish him on anyone-he was what is now called a high needs baby-he had to be touching me at all time or he'd scream

I'd get him to sleep if I was lucky and then dare to need a wee-hed wake up and scream I'd then spend ages trying to get him back to sleep-rinse and repeat

My mother was as much use as a chocolate fireguard-i think she was a bit scared of him-my friends tried but he wouldn't let me go

For 3 years I muddled through until he started nursery and it got a tiny bit better-I could be in the same room without him screaming and clinging

I was such a smug mother with the other two-i was doing it all right,they ate,slept and where very chilled

Then he appeared and hell happened (I mean I adore him,don't get me wrong But his first 3 years where torture)

This.

My son learnt to self settle at 11 weeks. It can happen

Some parents make it hard for themselves - and perhaps others make it hard for their babies instead 😁
Agree with this completely.

I've never been of the school of thought where parents should allow a 2 year old to dictate what's on offer every meal time, but I did find myself wondering why some people kept pushing foods a toddler dislikes. What do they want to happen? A gold star? Or the ability to sit at playgroup tilting their head and saying "oh Jemima isn't a picky eater. None of mine are. I told her you can eat you courgette and anchovy paste or go hungry. Unsurprisingly she eats everything".

Don't most people want a middle ground where they're not endlessly picking fights with their children over random reasons (or as they say principles, like shut up and clear your plate because I said so), but also not creating environment where young children have developmentally inappropriate levels of power and control?

Hmm, yeah I guess you can have an easier baby if your post is your expectation out of parenting.
You're pretty much advocating the cry it out method, and like it or lump it mentality. I wouldn't be so smug about that.

How many children do you have op?

I 10000% agree and im talking from experience OP.

3DDs, first 2 we enforced good sleep habits and eating habits etc.

3rd DD born in covid, we would lie and cuddle her to get her to sleep now at age 3 she needs that to sleep, shes in our bed every night as we allowed it and never put her back in her own bed, we had more time to do things for her like feed her, pick up after her and also we generally just spoil her because she is our last.

All her bad sleeping and eating habits we as parents created, now is it the end of the world....no.

But i know that 99.9% of the times its the parents that have created it, as it was me that created it with her.

I do think you can have an easier baby if you do the right things but I don't agree with you about what the rights things are. To me the right things are adapting what you do to meet the needs of that particular baby. Seems to me that some people struggle to do this.

I have a friend who has researched every aspect of raising babies and formed very concrete views on how to do it. It doesn't work with her son and she is constantly tearing her hair out about what a difficult baby he is. She's the difficult one. She's constantly and desperately asking for advice but never acts on it. I've come to realise that the advice she's seeking is how to keep doing things her way but get a different outcome.

I agree that there are a lot of things parents do that make it harder for themselves. But I also think the op was over simplified

I think to some extent you're right and to some extent you're being (unintentionally?) goady...

One can definitely instil good habits etc but some children are definitely harder work than others (for example, my son who we treated exactly the same as my daughter and just isn't a good sleeper.)

I have twins and one is markedly easier than the other one. One barely cries the other one we have to leave social events if it starts as we know it just will not stop and it takes a whole adult out of commission for the entire event. So no I don't agree overall. But we have sleep trained and put down in cot and the other things you mention, and yes those things do seem to work pretty well, 3/3 children so far.

What a horrible judgemental post. And I say that as the mother of the easiest child ever.

Everyone is trying their best.

I’m really happy with how I’ve cared for my baby.

I have two, they are chalk and cheese. My first would scream bloody murder if she was put down, my second slept 5 hours in a cot straight out of hospital.

I had advice from a colleague with many children when I had my first. Some babies sleep, some don’t, some babies eat, some don’t. It is nothing to do with how good of a parent you are.

I get what your trying to say but I could say the complete opposite and just think every parent and child is different.

So for example I would say making life easy is giving in to holding your baby a lot. Co sleeping if that is what gives you more sleep. Not stressing about routines and just giving the child what it needs. That for me is simple and results in a happy baby. When I hear people spending hours trying to get babies to settle themselves into cots and have strict routines for milk and naps it sounds exhausting for everyone.

But then I also know every child and parent is different. What works for child 1 might not for child 2. We all just have to do what works and feels right for us. But no I don't think it's obviously the 'right' thing to leave your baby to cry. It isn't for me and my marriage and health is just fine thanks.

I largely agree, OP. People who don't often have no experienced two or three siblings under 3/4/5. Sometimes a child has to be put down, end of, because they aren't the only person in the house. Similarly, a larger household can't run by catering for endless fussiness.

I'm not saying that I've always lived by this-we all struggle at times to know what's best in a given situation-but I agree with it.

In my experience it creates happy, settled children.

"I am by NO means a perfect parent and I am genuinely interested in what people think to this...."

Yeah but you think you are. 👀

Myself and my friend had babies at the same time. She left hers to cry, I never did. Mine was sleeping through much earlier. I always responded to my baby and he was such an easy baby. I co-slept with him and found it much easier than friends who were up and down to the nursery all night. I did think they could make their life easier by co- sleeping. So I don't think leaving a baby to cry and not carrying when they want to be held makes them easy. More just that they realise they won't be responded to.

And as for 'fussy' eating - a child is not usually diagnosed with autism til older. So at a young age you don't necessarily know there's a developmental reason they have problems with eating. So no, for some children they won't just eat if you persevere. My youngest is awaiting autism assessment and I have persevered with no improvement, her older brother eats anything.