To think that you can have an ‘easier’ baby if you do the right things?

[isthisunfairth]

I know that some babies quite literally scream and scream. Some have reflux etc and there are reasons why they are harder to look after.

But AIBU to think some people just don’t do what works? I have a close friend who won’t allow her baby to cry at all in their cot. I get it, but obviously that means the baby won’t self settle. That’s her choice. By the time the baby was two, they had a sleep consultant as the marriage was almost broken and hey presto, leaving to cry for a minute then going back in - literally - over three nights solved things. This could have been done from day one, not two years later.

Food… my child won’t eat X. If that’s all that’s on offer first thing in the morning when most hungry, then they will eat it. You have to persevere, surely?

My baby won’t be put down… they might not like it but they can be put down? AIBU to think this approach just feeds into the baby feeling a bit out of control as the parent is literally doing what they want even if it’s not best overall?

I am by NO means a perfect parent and I am genuinely interested in what people think to this. But I have noticed that people have different approaches to their babies obviously, and sometimes I do think problems are made by the parents. AIBU?!

Hahaha come back and tell us about "doing the right things" when you've seen three kids through their teenage years.

I'm trying to get dc3 into the routine of actually getting to the school bus on time in the morning so he can study for his bloody GCSEs, it's easy I just tell him how it's going to be, and - oh, wait, no. He has always been a jolly good sleeper though.

Haha at comparing two 2yos and thinking you know anything at all

So bizarre that people think the perfect child is one who sleeps when their parents want them to and eats what their parents want. It seems to me that most parents just want kids who fit in with their own lives.

Oh dear OP.

Your poor children.

I had twins. If I'd had one first I would have been so smug, believing myself a very talented parent. He slept 5 hours a nigh straight out of hospital, was even tempered, ate anything once it came to weaning

If I'd had his brother first, I'd have decided I wasn't cut out to be a parent. He never slept more than 2 hours straight for the first year, she's a very fussy eater, he had massive separation anxiety.

They ate both lovely, well behaved preteens now.

Both my children were "dream children" until 3.

One is still a dream child in the conventional sense. The other was diagnosed with Autism and later Tourettes. Still a dream child in that I love him to bits and he is a wonderful human being who brings me joy.

But the systems I have to battle with and the expectations of a society not Built for him are a nightmare. And "what works" for him is very different to "what works" for my other child.

If both my kids were NT I might also have been arrogant and looking down on others who don't have it so easy as raising these kids is worlds away from each other. But I know better so I'm going for YABU.

You’re absolutely delusional op.

My first was a ‘dream baby/small toddler’. After the first six weeks I could take him anywhere, he was breastfed so quite attached but I could put him down and get on with things. He didn’t love starting solids but tried a bit of everything. Was sleeping through in his own bed by 18 months when I fully stopped BF. Halcyon Days.

My second nearly gave me a breakdown. He came into this world screaming and didn’t stop for two years. He didn’t sleep. I can’t remember much beyond that because I’ve block a lot out for my own mental health, I do remember days of putting him in the pram and having to take 5 minutes in a different room, often clawing at myself because the crying wouldn’t stop. Could only go out for an hour scheduled around a nap otherwise he’d scream until we got home.

They've both been diagnosed with autism since. I wouldn’t wish the first two years with my second on anyone, but bloody hell people like the op have no idea.

Ok let’s take one example…

I was in the camp of ‘my baby won’t be put down’

but he would be… if I had put him down. Which is what I did with my second and they were generally easier. Just my experience though and as this thread shows, there’s lots of different experiences

My mother would have written your post... she was rather smug apparently (according to her) until she had my sister and realised that things can be far more complicated than just 'trying different things'.

I have one easy child and one very challenging one. Very few people can understand just how difficult my life is due to this... and it isn't for want of trying to solve the issues.

@isthisunfairthNever had to be strict with my son, quite the opposite. Always went to him when he cried in his cot and often co-slept, he’s slept through from 7 months with disturbances here and there of course due to illness etc. He eats everything, sure there will be days when he’s not in the mood for something- that’s fine, I give him something else. Has a varied diet, allowed sweet treats on special occasions or celebrations but very healthy and loves veg, meat, salad - whatever I make he’ll eat it. Never wanted to be put down for the first 5 months, that’s fine I put him in a carrier when I needed to do things even though my c-section scar was agony- guess who doesn’t have a clingy child who has never cried being dropped off at nursery, me. I’m lucky to have an easy child but never had I needed to be ‘strict’ like you said. I know for sure that my second will probably be the devil incarnate 😂 Keep your opinions to yourself, from what I’m reading you’re not as perfect as you think. Much like adults, not all children are the same.

Perhaps you could pass some parenting tips to your nephew's parents since you have it all worked out?

I totally disagree, because you’re assuming kids are a ‘one technique fits all’ deal.

I did all the things you’re critical of in your first post; my son cried when he was placed in his cot awake so I didn’t do it. He hated to be put down (until he could sit) so I held him all the time. I never force him to eat anything he doesn’t want to, and I make sure every meal includes at least one ‘safe’ food that I know he likes.

These were all techniques that suited him and worked out brilliantly for us. He’s now a very confident, calm, easy going three year old. He has never tantrummed in his life, he plays independently for long stretches of time, he has lovely manners, he eats most things, he sleeps through the night.

Almost all of this is down to the lucky fact that I got a child with a calm and easy-going personality bit can you imagine how much harder our lives would have been if I had forced him to cry in his cot, or put him down all the time when he hated it?

Some children may respond fine to the more ‘tough love’ approach you’re advocating but it’s nonsensical to suggest it would work on all kids, or that it’s some marvellous panacea leading to good kids. Parents know their own children best and find what works for them, but the truth is some children are simply more sensitive / in need of support than others.

You can only parent the child you have, and if that means being a responsive attachment parent who doesn’t accept that they have to let their baby cry for their own good, it certainly doesn’t mean they’re failing in some imaginary mission to raise easy children.

If I put my first down, she screamed. Whatever, she screamed. Every nap was on me or in the car, until she was 7 months and one day wanted her cot. There was no teaching her, she just screamed and I wasn't willing to let her (and I would judge a parent who could leave a baby to cry like that tbh). She's now 5 and has been a terrific sleeper for years now, she got there when she was ready.

Youngest could be put down from week 1. I couldn't believe it, she actually slept in the pram. I could go to the loo and do laundry and all the rest during naps. She could do it! She became a terrible sleeper at 18 months and was up for hours every night for a good 18 months from that point. And then the switch flicked back and she's pretty solid again at 3.5.

The thing with babies is that it's useful to put them down, because you need to pee, or have a shower, or wipe the toddler's bum - people find out very quickly if their baby can be put down. I don't know anyone who chose not to.

Ages and stages.

Anyone saying babies can't be taught to self settle are just incorrect. Maybe not all babies but if we are talking babies in general yes you can. And young too, a few months old. I feel there is a holier than thou attitude oh I couldn't possibly leave my little one to cry for a minute, my heart renches, any mother than can do that clearly doesn't care... Well not really, I love my little boy, I would do anything for him, and him learning to self settle has cut out about one hour of crying throughout the day as he can drift off by himself now. And are there mums that really don't leave baby to cry for ebem a second? You never been busting for a wee? Needed a drink? Needed to ... eat food? Teaching babies to self settle does actually work at least for some, no need to be self richeous and believe you are a better mother because your little darling didn't cry alone for a second until the age of 4.. some of us have things that need to be done and need to put babies down here and there

Also @isthisunfairth, how have you decided what you’re doing is the “right thing”?

we used to think continuing to smoke during pregnancy was the “right thing”

we used to think drinking Guiness when pregnant was the “right thing”

we used to think laying our babies to sleep on their front was the “right thing”

we used to think smacking our children was the “right thing”

Why are you so convinced your parenting is perfect? And what would you do if science one day showed it was not the right thing?

YABU if think that if you just do certain things then a baby will fall into line, my way or the highway style.

YANBU if you think that many babies will be easier if parents do certain things that match the baby's needs.(Eg. The parent would have an easier time if they accepted a car nap/used a sling/accepted a pushchair nap and followed their baby instead of insisting naps have to happen in the cot at 11am and 2pm on the dot / the parent stopped turning weaning mealtimes into a battle and instead served a balanced plate that includes food their baby likes)

YABVU and goading.

how many children do you have op?

Proof that some posters need that actually here are 2 babies that are being parented exactly the same and still can have different habits and temperaments...

...who'd have thought... ? 😉

I think there are a lot of variables. Sometimes people forget that babies and toddlers aren’t little robots - they’re humans with variability and idiosyncrasies and preferences, just like adult humans.

There are definitely ‘easier’ babies and toddler and more difficult ones. There are also differences in how they respond to things - what ‘works’ for one baby won’t work for another.

There are also differences in what parents can tolerate. I tried ‘controlled crying’ with my youngest. After 35 minutes I picked up and cuddled a very sad, very scared little boy - swollen eyes, gasping for breath, trembling. Never again. But if you can tolerate that, then all power to you.

You’re not meant to leave them to cry

Exactly, crazy! And how many days or weeks are you supposed to ‘persevere’ and serve up a breakfast that your baby / toddler / child won’t eat? Are you allowed to give them a mid morning snack or are you supposed to starve them until lunch? I really don’t think OP has thought this through…

I have many friends with 2 children (including twins) where 1 was a dream and the other a menace. So no.

But they were two different babies with different needs.

You could put your first down but didn't because they cried if you did.

You put your second down and they didn't cry so you left them.

That's just reacting to your baby's needs. Not doing the right thing.
Well in my view it is because you responded to your first when they cried (because that's what they needed). You didn't pick your second up again because they weren't crying, so probably didn't need anything.

this^
I know a few parents who were in the same boat : settled, experienced, etc but the second child was far from the ideal first.
you are very naive

I agree ! Sometimes people do make life hard for themselves when it comes to parenting .
But I also think if there is a medical problem ect ect it can’t be helped whatever u try x