To think that you can have an ‘easier’ baby if you do the right things?

[isthisunfairth]

I know that some babies quite literally scream and scream. Some have reflux etc and there are reasons why they are harder to look after.

But AIBU to think some people just don’t do what works? I have a close friend who won’t allow her baby to cry at all in their cot. I get it, but obviously that means the baby won’t self settle. That’s her choice. By the time the baby was two, they had a sleep consultant as the marriage was almost broken and hey presto, leaving to cry for a minute then going back in - literally - over three nights solved things. This could have been done from day one, not two years later.

Food… my child won’t eat X. If that’s all that’s on offer first thing in the morning when most hungry, then they will eat it. You have to persevere, surely?

My baby won’t be put down… they might not like it but they can be put down? AIBU to think this approach just feeds into the baby feeling a bit out of control as the parent is literally doing what they want even if it’s not best overall?

I am by NO means a perfect parent and I am genuinely interested in what people think to this. But I have noticed that people have different approaches to their babies obviously, and sometimes I do think problems are made by the parents. AIBU?!

Or perhaps you were just very lucky that what you did worked for your child, could just as easily of not. Different children often need different approaches and as with most things in life there are swings and roundabouts to every problem/solution.

How many DCs have you got OP?

You do realise that there is no 'right way'?
What works for one doesn't necessarily work for another.

I had one who ate anything and everything. The other literally refused to eat. They would have quite happily starved themselves if it wasn't the right food.

I had one to just didn't sleep. Was awake nearly all day from about 4weeks, and awake for hours at night. The other slept long naps and self settled at night from the start. Both treated the same way.

You must have had easy children. Lucky you. Don't do further damage to parents who are on their knees with babies and children who aren't so easy by telling them it's because they are doing things wrong.

When they actually study this stuff its about 50/50 nature vs nurture. So lots of it is simply built in to the child as a personality trait. You can do a lot to shift them on the scale towards better sleep for example but you aren't going to change the worlds worst sleeper into the best just with good technique.

I do agree that some people make a rod for their own back but I can't blame anyone for not wanting to cry it out for example. It took me and oh needing physiotherapy for back issues before we resorted to sleep training. It did improve things quickly but its hard work. I also think there is a real limit to what you can/should 'teach' a child before the age of one or so. A year of terrible sleep is shit and can really effect you mentally. I give parents to new babies a lot of slack, they are just trying to do their best.

100% agree with you - when it's a neurotypical baby/child.

Even just small things I've made a hash of and caused my own problems, right now it's the kids eating their breakfast in their bedrooms first thing. I simply can't get them downstairs to eat now. Problem created by me in the first place.

Have to regularly hold my tongue with my next door neighbours who have two kids who scream and scream - one a baby, one a 3 yr old. Totally caused by them argueing with the 3 yr old first, then screaming at her and then the baby joins in. But all you can hear is the adults screaming why are you so bloody difficult! You can literally sense the stress in the house. No bloody wonder the kids are always crying.

Calm parents = calm children (generally, SEN aside!)

Easy to see from the sidelines though.

Yeah. No! My mum tried the food thing on me a few times when I was wee. She stopped after several days each time as I would not eat if all that was on offer was food I don’t eat. My personal ‘record’ was 10 days on orange juice and rehydration sachets. I was in the middle ish of primary school then, not a baby, but you get my point I hope.

With an actual baby, how do you know there aren’t underlying health issues? people kept telling me to sleep train DD as she screamed so much and I was exhausted. Turned out to be undiagnosed cows milk intolerance. She was more than a year old before we found out. She was crying because she was sick and in pain, and had no other way to communicate. How awful would it have been for her to be left to scream? I would have felt like the worst mum ever once she was diagnosed if I’d done that to her. As it was, once she stopped having cows milk based formula she was fine. I’d only switched to formula because all the sleep train pushers said it would help - and of course it made it worse.

People with more than one child often comment on how very different they were to each other right from the start. What works for one doesn’t for another. Maybe judge less and just you do you?

Imagine getting up in the morning and not being offered anything other than food you dislike to eat, just our of principle. Incredible.

Depends what sort of parent you want to be. I see none of the things you mention as problems that need fixing. It’s moved on since 1950.

Babies are meant to be held, self settling is absolute bollocks.

@isthisunfairth i do agree with you, i do think parenting comes into their behaviour when they get older. But i also think all children are different and some easier and some more difficult than others.

I have a friend who lets their son in their bed all the time and he doesn't want to stay in his bed due to this, if the parents stuck to their guns then i don't think this would have become a regular habit for him. Easier said than done obviously!

To a point. As part of my job I run parenting programmes and workshops for parents. Mainly people come to them because they are struggling and need advice and support. I don't feel it is a case that they are doing things wrong more like not sure what is the best way to deal with certain situations or fully understanding what babies and toddlers need. We look at the importance of routines, consistency, positive parenting, play, positive attention and so on. Also looking at the best way to deal with tantrums and the importance of remaining calm, taking a step back to breath. The majority of mums are doing their best but we all need support and advice from time to time, don't think it helps anyone to say we are dong things "wrong".

How many kids do you have?

my first - very easy - great eater and sleeper. Had two rough nights in a few years.

my second - can count the nights we haven’t been disturbed on one hand. Doesn’t eat as much, doesn’t sleep as much, cries more. Honestly no difference in what we do.

i was the smug parent like you - not so much anymore.

I agree that it’s the luck of the draw
and in my opinion, largely due to inherited personality traits. Having said that, I could never leave any of mine to self - settle, i.e. cry, it felt totally opposed to every instinct I had, so I can’t comment from that perspective. I just see in my now adult children the same personalities that they had from very, very young babies.

My first was a placid good sleeper. Her sleep got worse when we had to wake her every night to give her medication! My second was a terrible sleeper but no amount of sleep training was going to help as it was due to coughing. Her sleep improved in leaps each time she got to the age to start a new medication, with a massive improvement when she started a steroid inhaler. So for us in sleeping it was luck!

I think it helps if you are relaxed, but it’s so much easier to be relaxed if you have a healthy child who eats and sleeps! For example if your child eats reasonably (if you look at their diet across a week), then it’s easy to be relaxed when they refuse to eat a healthy meal. Before you judge others you need to remember that you don’t know what you don’t know!

Don’t judge until you’ve walked a mile in someone’s shoes (or whatever the phrase is). You might think you know what their life (or their baby) is like but you have a snapshot at best. Everyone is trying to do their best and what works for one won’t work for another.

I never left my first dc to cry and they slept through at 6 weeks old. My second came along and didn’t sleepy through until he was 3, my youngest was somewhere in the middle. All dc are different.

My son is a very, very fussy eater. It's not a matter of if he's hungry, he will eat food he doesn't like. He just won't. He has gone to bed after a slice of cheese or a banana, then woken up so hungry and with such low blood sugar he shakes and vomits.

Agree with you re "baby won't be put down". Of course a baby can be put down. They might not like it, but it's ok for them to cry while you pee/shower/eat/drink.

How many children do you have, OP? I was a smug parent with my first and then my second came along to give me my comeuppance.

I agree with you. I have never said that in real life though because parents don't want to hear that they are exacerbating the issues their baby has.

In my opinion, it's not kind to let a brand new baby have to figure life out for themselves ie baby-led approach. The babies don't understand anything and obviously just want what they want in the moment without understanding any wider benefits from doing something differently. Some friends and I (including one who's a paediatrician) had our babies in a consistent routine pretty much from birth. We, as the adults, showed them when to eat, when to be awake and when to sleep. Out of that group of 6 babies we've all ended up with so-called "easy" babies. But it's because of the routine. The babies are well fed, well rested and have much less wind because their tummies empty between feeds instead of snacking all day. It could of course be a coincidence but I don't think it is.

My friends who've done baby-led approach have been exhausted and at their wits end. Motherhood looks like hell for them. I know a couple who've said they will stick with one because its so hard and lack of sleep. I don't see how that's kind to anyone parent or baby? Surely it's better for the whole family to be sleeping well and for the adults to be helping the baby learn how to regulate their eating and sleeping, since we're the ones that know what the hell is going on?!

It's a hard one. I work in a Preschool and you can tell the kids who have been 'spoiled', think they can do anything, the world revolves around them with no consequence. However, I do think this behaviour begins a bit later.

I think there is a happy medium where you can be attentive to a baby and generally meet all demands as these are basic needs for food, comfort, warmth. But that you have to change that when they're a bit older. The problem is parents who still want to meet all their children's wants (not needs) and create a child that no one really wants to be around.

As everyone else has said it's just temperament. My kids are both brilliant eaters for example. It's nothing I've done that's just the way they are.

Chances are you had laid back babies but babies are all very different. I don't think there's a set right way to go around doing things and what's important is to do what's right for your individual circumstances.

@Givemepickles it's because you had easy babies that you could impose the routines. Not the routines making easy babies.
Do you honestly think that those parents on their knees haven't tried a routine?

Well we never left our DD to cry and by 15 months she slept through the night.

And no she wouldn’t eat bean chilli if that was all that was on offer in the morning. She ate everything as a baby but she has and will go hungry now at 2 if she doesn’t want what is offered.

I really rarely judge other parents as I think so much depends on the nature of the child.

I would probably have agreed with you pre kids and I would love to take the credit for my kids being excellent sleepers because I did everything right but given that I also did the right stuff food wise for eldest and it didn't work (didn't matter how hungry he was he wasn't eating anything that was on his safe list of things though admittedly we suspect sensory processing issues) I don't agree really. Surely lots of people really struggling have tried all the obvious stuff

Just remember, OP. It’s all communication.

If babies cry because they want to be held by their mothers- that’s because they want to be held by their mother!

everyone is different - including babies. I had an easy baby who slept right through. But that was luck - not because I did everything Gina Ford said.

Obviously we’ll never know how the way you were treated as a baby affects you as an adult. But I bet there would be a lot less to post on AIBU if everyone had their needs met as a baby!

I think you’re talking crap.

l had 2 babies. The first was an angel. The second was the Tasmanian Devil.

Its temprement that counts.