To think that you can have an ‘easier’ baby if you do the right things?

[isthisunfairth]

I know that some babies quite literally scream and scream. Some have reflux etc and there are reasons why they are harder to look after.

But AIBU to think some people just don’t do what works? I have a close friend who won’t allow her baby to cry at all in their cot. I get it, but obviously that means the baby won’t self settle. That’s her choice. By the time the baby was two, they had a sleep consultant as the marriage was almost broken and hey presto, leaving to cry for a minute then going back in - literally - over three nights solved things. This could have been done from day one, not two years later.

Food… my child won’t eat X. If that’s all that’s on offer first thing in the morning when most hungry, then they will eat it. You have to persevere, surely?

My baby won’t be put down… they might not like it but they can be put down? AIBU to think this approach just feeds into the baby feeling a bit out of control as the parent is literally doing what they want even if it’s not best overall?

I am by NO means a perfect parent and I am genuinely interested in what people think to this. But I have noticed that people have different approaches to their babies obviously, and sometimes I do think problems are made by the parents. AIBU?!

My two as babies/toddlers were so different (same sex). One was very demanding and ‘high’ maintenance from the minute he was born, the other a laid back dream from the minute he was born. I didn’t do anything different, they were just very different temperaments from birth. Both turned out lovely people.

Can't stand this smug bollocks.

My eldest was an absolute screamer and I couldn't put him down. Of course yes, you're right, I physically could have put him down and let him cry whilst I did whatever it was I wanted to do.

But when you've extremely sleep deprived for months, alone in the house all day with no support, suffering from poor postnatal mental health, and you've just spent fucking ages calming your baby down from the last thing that upset him? No, I absolutely couldn't do anything that would have caused him to start crying again. I couldn't mentally take it.

I am even more of a soft touch with my youngest baby, and she's transpired to be the chilliest, easiest baby imaginable so there you go. Just luck imo.

FWIW even experts/groups who advocate cry it out sleep training say you should not do it until 4-6 months, so not sure what your solution is before that...

You really have no idea do you OP!
Good luck/congratulations on your perfect easy child/children.

I think there’s an element of certain things can make life relatively easier, without neglecting the baby.

But I also think, you don’t know unless you know. Most people who thing a baby is easy because you make it easy, have just had an easy baby.

With the baby who could self settle when the consultant came aged 2, well of course they could aged 2! Doesn’t mean this would have worked well at day one.

Every baby is different and some are just difficult, obviously.

However I think the fact that sleep consultants often work proves what you are saying. The sleep consultant isn't magic, they are only suggesting ideas that are readily available online and are basically all the same idea anyway. But once they come along and motivate the parents to do it, suddenly baby can sleep.

I didn't put DS down for months. If he cried I picked him up. If he even seemed hungry I fed him. At 16 months he is a pretty independent little guy sleeps from about 7-7 I appreciate that is luck of the draw as well but I def didn't train him for anything.

Food though, I started so well he would eat anything. That has already changed

@isthisunfairth I agree that you can sometimes "make" an easier baby. But in diametrically different ways than yours. I believe that meeting a baby's needs is the best way to foster confidence and security. So if a baby needs to be cuddled to sleep then cuddle them. Quicker and better than spending hours battling to go against nature and get them to sleep. If they don't like to eat X-well, there are things I don't like to eat either! Go with the flow. Don't sweat the small stuff. (Other clichés are available.) Babies who are used to having their needs met are secure, confident babies.

Agree with you OP. And don’t get me started on those who won’t listen to advice, even from a nurse or HV ‘because I know best’.

I think it’s true of toddlers but with babies I totally disagree.

Being strict with a baby? I’m sorry that’s just sad. I’ve met people that see babies expressing their needs as ‘playing up’ & saying that they want their 6 month old to be more independent. They’re a baby for godsake!

Disclaimer - I had a first baby who was very difficult due to medical issues (not her or anyone’s fault). Heart defect meaning she needed ALOT of extra feeding, plus tongue tie that was not diagnosed so she barely slept at all.

So I might be a bit bitter and I know you said medical issues aside. But I still think babies are largely what they are innately.

My baba is an easy baba as I did routine early on and he learnt to self settle too

Your baby is an easy baby and so easily settled into a routine early on, and easily learned to self settle.

You have the causation the wrong way around.

Have you considered writing a book OP?

Self settling is not bollocks. My son learnt it early on.

Nope it's baby specific and do you not think that parents have tried half of what your suggesting?!

DS1 was a velcro/koala baby it wasn't just a case of put him down and let him cry he would either get so worked up he would vomit or he would hold his breath and then pass out!
So I would carry him about with me in a sling.

DS2 complete opposite really chilled and would happily be in a bouncer.

I've also had similar comments regarding why they are in such a set routine and that babies/young children should fit around us not the other way....so we did as they requested for a party and went to theirs kept them up way past their bedtime and they screamed the place down for nearly an hour til we left. Safe to day that nugget of advice hasn't been trotted about since.

But if a baby isn't ready, they won't learn, they'll just cry. So the parents stop trying. The ones who learn are the ones who are ready.

My niece was walking well before her birthday. My second didn't roll until 6 months, no amount of parenting from me was going to get that baby walking by 1. She got there when she was ready.

Honestly I was that smug parent until I had DC4- he went down in the cot awake and self settled from 4 months old (as my other kids did) until he was over a year old then bang one night it all changed and he would just stand up screaming in the cot for hours- put him in our bed and he’d be asleep within minutes. So yes a year on he still sleeps in our bed.

Yes some people make a rod for their own back but honestly sometimes its difficult to break a cycle and not all babies are the same- just like us adults don’t all go to sleep the same or eat the same etc etc.

Luck of the draw.

Lol. You do realise that a lot of those things don’t work for other babies. Maybe your baby was ok to cry a bit in his/her cot. Some babies will literally make themselves sick with anxiety very quickly. Some mums don’t want that.
Just be thankful.

And some still won’t, no matter what you do. All these posts do is make women feel like failures.

Yes they are. My baby has to be rocked to sleep and I couldn't take the back breaking pain of rocking every day after being bedbound in late pregnancy past him being 2 months old. Gradually over a month left him to fall asleep by himself with hand holding and stroking, little 10 minute pockets of crying. Now 5 months old he goes immediately down for a nap or to bed with no cry at all and chatting away for 5 minutes before he closes his eyes and drifts off. People believe whatever they want to believe but my baby went from HAVING to be rocked to now WANTING to be put down and left alone after my own efforts at helping him learn to do that.

The sleeping thing is a big one. I think you have babies who sleep well, one's that are able to be 'taught' to self settle and one's that just won't tolerate it.

I was reading a very popular parenting book that suggested that if your baby cries so much they vomit when you leave them to learn to self settle, just stick it out for a few days. To me that is unacceptable and is an example of a baby who will not tolerate self settling training.

Some things you can do to make it easier, but it's mostly dependent on your babies temperament. And also what you find acceptable. For example, I'm happy to carry my DD most of the time and I find that 'easy', for others that wouldn't be the case.

Also research suggests babies who self settle still wake up at night with the same levels of cortisol but just don't bother to cry because they learn there's no point. For some that might allow them to get a good sleep and be a better parent in the day, for others they would prefer, and find it easier, to go to thier babies in the night.

Are your children teenagers yet OP? Word of warning, I had nightmare babies who barely slept but they were an absolute dream as teenagers. My friends who had little angelic babies were horrific teenagers. My friends always said I was doing things wrong as I breastfed and my babies didn’t sleep well but theirs were bottle fed and did, I didn’t use dummies and they said that was wrong too along with a whole heap of other things.

I completely agree with you and I have a child. We’ve pretty much had no issues with him sleeping apart from when he had a horrendous eczema flare when he was around 7 months old, his sleep was awful as it was irritating him. As soon as we found a cream that worked he was back to sleeping through as usual, took a couple months but we made it 😂😂 he’s 2 now and has been a dream, still is. My nephew has been brought up completely different and you can really tell.