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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that you can have an ‘easier’ baby if you do the right things?

237 replies

isthisunfairth · 14/11/2023 09:05

I know that some babies quite literally scream and scream. Some have reflux etc and there are reasons why they are harder to look after.

But AIBU to think some people just don’t do what works? I have a close friend who won’t allow her baby to cry at all in their cot. I get it, but obviously that means the baby won’t self settle. That’s her choice. By the time the baby was two, they had a sleep consultant as the marriage was almost broken and hey presto, leaving to cry for a minute then going back in - literally - over three nights solved things. This could have been done from day one, not two years later.

Food… my child won’t eat X. If that’s all that’s on offer first thing in the morning when most hungry, then they will eat it. You have to persevere, surely?

My baby won’t be put down… they might not like it but they can be put down? AIBU to think this approach just feeds into the baby feeling a bit out of control as the parent is literally doing what they want even if it’s not best overall?

I am by NO means a perfect parent and I am genuinely interested in what people think to this. But I have noticed that people have different approaches to their babies obviously, and sometimes I do think problems are made by the parents. AIBU?!

OP posts:
GentlemansRelish · 14/11/2023 09:55

boochristmas · 14/11/2023 09:53

I have a large family. Believe me, it's entirely random what you get.

This.

Sholkedabemus · 14/11/2023 09:56

I agree with you @isthisunfairth .

honeylulu · 14/11/2023 09:56

It's not as simple as that. My first child was a brilliant sleeper (I was firm about a routine so I thought it was all down to my excellent mothering skills <hollow laughter>). He also ate absolutely everything.

Second child. Same upbringing. In fact I was even firmer as I had less time and energy for pandering. Did not sleep reliably in her own bed until she was 6. Very fussy eater, would rather go hungry than try something new. Does my head in.

Just to throw in another wildcard my first child (no sensory issues) has ASD. Second child is NT. Go figure. Kids are just different and there's no single parenting formula which works.

Londonscallingme · 14/11/2023 09:56

boochristmas · 14/11/2023 09:53

I have a large family. Believe me, it's entirely random what you get.

The best piece of advice anyone ever gave me before I had a kid was "Don't feel smug if it's going well but equally, don't beat yourself up if it's going badly." As you say, it's often just random what you get!

ssd · 14/11/2023 09:59

Oh god i love these smug first time mum threads Grin

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/11/2023 09:59

I wouldn't be too smug too soon, OP.

A lot of the people I know who went on and on about me making a rod for my own back when our kids were babies had an absolute nightmare of a time when their kids were teens. Just saying....

Echobelly · 14/11/2023 10:01

I think it's all luck of the draw with newborns and for the most part babies and toddlers too. I got lucky, mine were both decent sleepers and both happy to sleep while out and about in a buggy. I initially didn't understand why a parent would do that very set nap schedule thing because it seemed to be so limiting - eg all the parents who did it had to base their day around it and it was 'I can't come then he has to nap at home', but then I figured if otherwise the baby had a naptime that was all over the place without a routine and would only settle in a dark room, then maybe that was the best solution for them.

Caerulea · 14/11/2023 10:02

Children are just wildly different & unless you can go back & do it differently you don't know what leads to what in many respects.

DS3 didn't sleep through till he was about 4, we tried & tried. The thing that solved it? Our cat! When he started stirring in the night she'd go rest her muzzle on his forehead & he'd go back to sleep. I didn't know why he'd stopped waking till I caught her actually doing it (I have photo evidence lol). She slept on his pillow every night after that for years. Not sure what triggered her to start or why tf she didn't do it earlier 😂

BertieBotts · 14/11/2023 10:02

Hmm, I think both.

If you think about it, at any given stage there are going to be children at either end of the scale. Some who are just easy, compliant, easygoing, sleep well, eat well, generally happy and you don't have to do anything to achieve this, indeed you might well assume that it's your parenting but it could just be their temperament.

Then some at the opposite end of the scale where nothing works and they are just difficult and you'll have a hard time whatever you do.

Plus a decent chunk in the middle - where they do need some active management and you can end up with a harder or easier time based on what you're putting into place. It's certainly true in general that proactive parenting is usually more effective and easier overall than reactive parenting, but it is more work upfront.

And with all of these children might be in a different category at different stages of their life. So you might get a difficult baby who turns into an angelic toddler, and then is a middle of the road preschooler, needing a bit more active management.

I was listening to a parenting expert talk the other day and she reckoned it was about 20% on either extreme, with around 60% being in the middle, which is the majority, which is probably why most parenting advice assumes that this is the universal experience.

OTOH there is a study looking at baby routine books, the ones which suggest all the standard ideas like drowsy but awake, establish a routine, get baby sleeping independently, don't feed to sleep etc, and how effective new mothers (sounds sexist, but I suppose representative of the fact it tends to be mothers doing the bulk of baby care) found the book's instructions and how it affected their overall wellbeing and confidence. This study found that the books were only effective for around 20% of the mothers in the "book group" in the study, and when they compared the group that had used the books with the group that did not use the books, they found that the book's success was correlated heavily with the mothers' senses of confidence and happiness. Basically, if the book worked for them, it increased their confidence and they were likely to recommend it to everyone, assuming that it was the book which caused the outcome. And if the book did not work, it actually reduced the mother's confidence and happiness.

Those numbers are very different because they suggest that 80% of the babies (at least in that study) are in the "nothing works" category, with only 20% total being in either "unicorn baby" or "normal baby" category.

That might just be babies, whereas the expert was talking about school aged children. It might be that the proportions of easy/medium/hard are different at different ages - there are known challenging ages, like babies, toddlers, teenagers. It doesn't really tell you whether they did the methods in the book properly. And it's only one study as well.

For sleep routines/sleep training in particular, it is difficult to find high quality research because what apparently tends to happen is that there will be families who screen themselves out because they are starting with an idea of "That definitely will not work for my baby" and/or "I am not prepared to leave my baby to cry". And sometimes people sign up for the study and then you get a fairly high rate of drop out once people are assigned to a category. So I think that actually it's probably better to look at anecdotal evidence, usually from professionals who work with large numbers of families and see a range of baby/toddler/child behaviour. But even this will be skewed because people only tend to seek professional support when things are going badly.

Anyway there is more research coming out now about temperament, which should be interesting. But my main point is that I think the OP assumes that the "difficult" babies are a very tiny percentage, and I think that it's likely to be higher than this.

Also, with baby sleep in particular I do think there is an argument FOR playing the longer game sometimes. I know that for me, I preferred to co-sleep and feed overnight and then put them in their own rooms when they were older. That worked for me and wasn't a problem, whereas a lot of baby sleep advice is presented as this kind of moral thing like this habit is "good" that is "bad" or "unhealthy" when it's nothing of the sort.

Tinybrother · 14/11/2023 10:02

Londonscallingme · 14/11/2023 09:56

The best piece of advice anyone ever gave me before I had a kid was "Don't feel smug if it's going well but equally, don't beat yourself up if it's going badly." As you say, it's often just random what you get!

This.

whatever makes you feel good about yourself OP

TomeTome · 14/11/2023 10:03

I think you don’t have much experience of babies @isthisunfairth
The reality is your input is much more controlled by the baby you are dealing with than you driving anything.

Bumpitybumper · 14/11/2023 10:03

Babyboomtastic · 14/11/2023 09:37

I agree that you can have an easier baby if you do the right things.

I wholeheartedly disagree on what you mean by 'right things' though.

I think it's easier when you try not to fight the type of baby you have. Some babies love routine, other babies hate it. My first, would have been miserable if I tried to force boobs on her, it's not what she wanted. My second hated anything that wasn't boobs!

I think things are easier when you parent the child you have not the child you want to have, or thought you would have. Likewise, when you are willing to change what you do and adapt rather than stick to how you wanted to do things. I also think it's easier when you stick to your parenting instincts, which for me would not be letting a child cry.

I agree with this. Babies aren't the blank canvas we are led to believe as they come preprogrammed to a certain extent with characteristics and traits that can be very difficult and sometimes impossible to change.

If you are blessed with a baby that is easy to parent then you are very lucky indeed. Other babies need some persuasion and encouragement to sleep through the night or wean but ultimately aren't that difficult to parent. There are some babies though that are naturally very hard to parent and they are very resistant to change. This can quickly become a war of attrition as parents desperately try to implement every trick and technique possible to get a decent amount of sleep or be able to get anything done. The last thing these parents need is well meaning parents with much easier babies suggesting that if only they would let the baby grizzle a bit in the cot or implement a night time routine then that would solve everything. It is ridiculously naive and just completely irrelevant when you're dealing with a high needs baby.

It reminds me of people with colds trying tell people with the flu to try some warm vimto or those with a touch of morning sickness suggesting to a woman with hypermesis that they should eat a ginger biscuit. Humans do not like being in a state of discomfort and will naturally seek solutions to problems that are creating this discomfort. You can safely assume that most parents will have tried the relatively easy solutions if the baby is keeping them awake all night or won't be put down.

Newusernameforthiss · 14/11/2023 10:03

I've got twins
They're completely different
You're being extremely unreasonable
HTH

Ivesaidenough · 14/11/2023 10:04

I used to think this too. I was wrong.

Elastica23 · 14/11/2023 10:06

Caerulea · 14/11/2023 10:02

Children are just wildly different & unless you can go back & do it differently you don't know what leads to what in many respects.

DS3 didn't sleep through till he was about 4, we tried & tried. The thing that solved it? Our cat! When he started stirring in the night she'd go rest her muzzle on his forehead & he'd go back to sleep. I didn't know why he'd stopped waking till I caught her actually doing it (I have photo evidence lol). She slept on his pillow every night after that for years. Not sure what triggered her to start or why tf she didn't do it earlier 😂

Excellent. Getting the cat to clean DD1's teeth was an inspired moment out of sheer desperation when she was a toddler (very tolerant cat, likes being held under almost any circumstances) 😅

Caerulea · 14/11/2023 10:08

@Elastica23 that is going to be the best thing I read this week! Bloody brilliant

victarion · 14/11/2023 10:08

Food… my child won’t eat X. If that’s all that’s on offer first thing in the morning when most hungry, then they will eat it. You have to persevere, surely?

Yeah, my parents had this approach until I ended up dangerously underweight.

PrinnyPree · 14/11/2023 10:09

My Mum had my eldest brother who was an angel, slept well, anybody could hold him, ate like a champ, she thought she was the perfect Mum. Then my second brother came along and put that all to rest, screamed blue murder, would never be put down and clung to my Mum like a monkey, was fussy and just generally hard work. I was last and somewhere inbetween.

I think as long as a parent is trying their best and being as loving and present as they can be (without doing obviously daft stuff like chocolate bars for breakfast and banging the kid infront of a screen 24/7 from 6months old), the rest is just down to the kids personalities.

I also didn't let my baby cry it out in the cot and attended to him as soon as he started fussing, he slept through the night from 4 months old and slept in his own room in a cot from 6 months, no fuss. He's 3 now and still a great sleeper, I could argue that because he always "knew" I would be there if he whimpered he was always content enough to sleep without anxiety. But the truth is he's just a good sleeper (I had to wake him for feeds sometimes)

I think your Mum friends are just trying their best OP, they just needed to find the thing that works for THEIR child.

StoleABibleAndShaggedThePriest · 14/11/2023 10:09

Oh dear OP...one day you’ll be so embarrassed at this thread. That’s if you develop any awareness I suppose. 🤣🤣🤣

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 14/11/2023 10:10

I have a picky eater and I do think it’s because I gave her too many “treat” snacks as a toddler. I had 3 kids by then and I was a lot less careful about organic-this and low-sugar that. I think I inadvertently taught her that if she left all of her lunch, she’d probably get a bag of mini cheddars at 2pm anyway.

Fizbosshoes · 14/11/2023 10:10

DD was pfb I did all the Annabel Karmel books, purees, followed guidelines to the letter, she was amazingly fussy from the moment I even moved from breast to bottle. No amount of persuasion would make her eat . She's 17 now, still really fussy and I've had to accept she has a very limited variety of foods she likes.

She was also a terrible sleeper. If it could have been solved with a minute of crying at a time over 3 nights it would have been amazing....but guess what, I read the book...but she didn't. Tried and failed with many sleep training methods. She started sleeping all night on her own age 6

Some babies are fussy (DD was/is , DS isnt)
Some babies don't sleep well on their own (DD didn't, DS did)

truetruebarneymcgrew · 14/11/2023 10:11

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!
I had one easy peasy, one complete nightmare (and permanent tinnitus thanks to the billion decibel screaming crying).
A baby really can't be disciplined! If they cry, it's their only means of communicating whether it's because they are over tired, hungry, teething, uncomfortable, need comfort, etc etc etc. unfortunately they don't come with an instruction manual on how to interpret the wailing siren!
One dc absolutely would starve themselves and still has a very restrictive diet. Luckily old enough to cook now, so it's not such an issue, but I love your naivety! Oh and we'rea very calm household, both dh and myself were very easy babies, toddlers and teenagers (according to our parents) our siblings on the other hand ...!
All down to star signs aint?!

LadyOfACertainAge · 14/11/2023 10:13

I think I’m some cases you’re right and I’m others that’s just the temperament of the child.

But for all those that say they parented their children the same but they’ve turned out differently….no two children are ever parented the same. For starters a first time parent compared to a second time parent with a toddler/older child around is always going to create a different environment. That’s before you play in any other factors like home, jobs, money, etc.

Themermaidspool · 14/11/2023 10:14

Some day, not this one, you are going to ruminate on those words and realise what a judgy ass you sound. I did this before I had kids too, I even did it with my first when she was a few months old. I don't now. Because I realise no matter what you do in your life. It's a waste of it to be anything other than supportive to others.

ColleenDonaghy · 14/11/2023 10:15

Hope you don't have any further DC planned OP, because that's the kind of attitude that can come back to bite you in the arse.

Some babies walk early, some late. Some talk early, some late. I'm sure you don't think that that's because of anything the parents have done in the vast majority of cases? IME it's the same with eating and sleeping - some are more inclined to try new things, others more cautious. Some prefer comfort to sleep, others like their space and/or love their sleep. Just like some adults sleep well and others don't.

I had two very very different babies, they've turned into quite different children. They've both slept well or badly at various stages. I've done much the same with both of them.

Babies are people, and people vary.

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