To think that you can have an ‘easier’ baby if you do the right things?

[isthisunfairth]

I know that some babies quite literally scream and scream. Some have reflux etc and there are reasons why they are harder to look after.

But AIBU to think some people just don’t do what works? I have a close friend who won’t allow her baby to cry at all in their cot. I get it, but obviously that means the baby won’t self settle. That’s her choice. By the time the baby was two, they had a sleep consultant as the marriage was almost broken and hey presto, leaving to cry for a minute then going back in - literally - over three nights solved things. This could have been done from day one, not two years later.

Food… my child won’t eat X. If that’s all that’s on offer first thing in the morning when most hungry, then they will eat it. You have to persevere, surely?

My baby won’t be put down… they might not like it but they can be put down? AIBU to think this approach just feeds into the baby feeling a bit out of control as the parent is literally doing what they want even if it’s not best overall?

I am by NO means a perfect parent and I am genuinely interested in what people think to this. But I have noticed that people have different approaches to their babies obviously, and sometimes I do think problems are made by the parents. AIBU?!

You might get a baby who self settles because it knows it's parent isn't coming so there's no point crying, doesn't mean it'll be an emotionally secure adult

Yes and no.

I've always been pretty consistent with mine and they've been good sleepers and 'got over' things they hated eg. The car because we just persevered, we also did set bed times etc which helped with sleep.

However, I have had one dream baby and one feral nightmare baby.

Or perhaps parents with easygoing, content, chilled out babies smugly think that it’s their “routine” that has resulted in this?

I do actually agree with you on some things though… sleep training was a lifesaver for me. And you do have to have some rules/ boundaries/ expectations and stick to them consistently.

Can I ask how many children you have OP, and their ages?

It's not as simple as this. It IS absolutely true that there are things that we, as parents, do that sometimes are NOT helpful. It's ALSO absolutely true that sometimes, no matter what we do, there is an issue that we simply can't solve.

As an A-Type personality who was used to problem solving and successfully getting on top of things that were hard, the fact that I couldn't do that with DS' sleep was a source of much angst. Now, looking back, I have a lot of sympathy for my younger self and as a result, a lot more sympathy for other people like me.

I 100% accept that DH and I are partially to blame for DD's fussier eating. But it's also more complicated than just what we did wrong - there are allergies and intolerances to take into account. There's also the reality of the fact that life was tough when she was younger and we didn't necessarily have the resources to do all the right things etc etc. it's not as black and white as "we fucked up".

I agree there’s a nature v nurture thing isn’t there. My first we followed everything by the book and soothed him the minute he woke. He needed lots of rocking to sleep, was colicky and miserable for the first few months of life. The second got left to it and did seem much more chilled and settled . However the first slept through the night sooner. First was super picky about food second not so much.

Turns out my first is autistic and the second is not. And so many of his behaviours align with that.

To a certain extent, yes. Some behaviours are learnt and can be unlearnt/not learnt in the first place, but others are temperament and the difficulty is figuring out which is which.

I have two children, my first was a difficult baby, didn't sleep, naptime usually consisted of me pushing the pram back and forth for an hour, bedtime took hours every night, that kind of thing. Also a very difficult toddler, violent and sensitive. Second was much easier, better sleeper, not aggressive. I did not do things the same with both of them, with my first I was very baby-led, no sleep training, let her set the routine and was easy-going about what she ate. With my second I kept more of a routine (though not a strict one), sleep trained, and put more thought and control into weaning so that his diet was more varied from the start and sugar much more limited. How much of those differences was temperament and how much was from differing parenting methods, I can't be sure, but I do know that his sleep started to go bad like his big sister but I sleep trained and it was good again so that I feel is most likely due to parenting.

I agree that you can have an easier baby if you do the right things.

I wholeheartedly disagree on what you mean by 'right things' though.

I think it's easier when you try not to fight the type of baby you have. Some babies love routine, other babies hate it. My first, would have been miserable if I tried to force boobs on her, it's not what she wanted. My second hated anything that wasn't boobs!

I think things are easier when you parent the child you have not the child you want to have, or thought you would have. Likewise, when you are willing to change what you do and adapt rather than stick to how you wanted to do things. I also think it's easier when you stick to your parenting instincts, which for me would not be letting a child cry.

I'm not forcing anyone to eat food they dislike, I don't like certain things and wouldn't / couldn't eat them I'd rather be hungry.

I have twins so had to be very regimented on the sleep ing to survive. They wouldn't nap in a cot until they were one so we had other strategies in place. You do what gets you through it.

I have a feeling op won't be back.

Pretty much this for me, multiple children, same parenting style, totally different outcomes in terms of sleep, feeding etc etc. I felt I was responsible for my “easy” children being “easy” until my high needs baby came along and I changed my tune pretty sharpish.

I was wondering that!

I mean of course there is some parenting that is so dire that you may as well have left the little feral beasts to be dragged up by wolves (though they are probably ones who got in to good sleep patterns really early as they'd learn (ike those in Romanian orphanages) that no-one comes.

But outside the abusive, neglectful outliers, there's nothing that will always produce the desired effect - if there were, don't you think that in several millennia of human history we'd all just know about it.

Babies and children of course have their own temperaments and preferences, and thinking there are methods than can just override that is misplaced. As is the idea that all parents want the same outcomes at the same stage.

Food… my child won’t eat X. If that’s all that’s on offer first thing in the morning when most hungry, then they will eat it. You have to persevere, surely?

Have you met many 2 year olds, OP?

You have no idea if it's related. Perhaps they would always have disliked being alone. I did controlled crying with my two and they were both so much happier afterwards. Like different children. They were no longer over-tired, over-emotional. They've both loved bedtime ever since. My son is now nearly 11 and still tells me "Oh I can't wait for bed. I'm going to snuggle up under the duvet and be all cosy".

Not being judgemental, I had a very tricky first baby. I know people who are strict with babies and they seem easier. So I tried to be more strict with my second.

I’m very impressed by this confidence in ‘the right things’. It’s a few years ago now, but from memory there was huge controversy over the ‘right’ way to get a baby to sleep when my children were babies.

If i only had DD I would be smugly posting like this too. HowEver I had DS first so well aware you get the child you are given 🤣🤣

If I'd had my two children the other way around I might have agreed with you, OP.

As it is, I cut my parenting teeth on my now-adult ds1.

He would NOT sleep. I tried every method in the book- CIO, co-sleeping, gradual withdrawing...I can't even remember the full list now. He didn't sleep through the night until he was six YEARS old.

He wouldn't eat most foods. And if he was offered something for breakfast that he didn't like, he just wouldn't eat. He would go hungry. Even when I persevered.

He was tested for so many things and all came back the same- nothing untoward, nothing wrong.

He was (and still is) the most stubborn child.

DS2, on the other hand- a breeze. Even by other parents' standards (who have much 'easier' children) he has been so easy to raise. By my standards, he's almost brought himself up. A bit of gentle guidance here and there has been all that's required.

I don't doubt that there are some parents who are inclined to martyr themselves at the altar of child-rearing, but I suspect that there are also some who have already tried everything, and whose children are just...stubborn.

My sister says this too, and it was her 4th that broke her! She realises now how judgemental she was to other parents.

I think there's an element of truth to what OP says. Pandering to your children all the time isn't healthy, but you do need to meet their needs. It's a fine balance. But for example if I really do need to finish getting the washing in from outside before it rains, my baby might have to cry for a minute or two because they don't want to be left alone. But I wouldn't leave them crying for me while I spent 15 mins clearing out a cupboard in the kitchen or something! And the older they get the easier it all becomes with them understanding you will meet their needs but they need to wait until you've finished your task as it's time sensitive.

Please, come to my house and "be strict" with my second baby. She is en entirely different temperament to my first and I promise you, the strategies simply don't work with her. But please, give it a go 😀

Except 2 year olds are not always diagnosed with SEN.

I tried everything, child would not sleep, would not eat. Judgy people like you made me feel like shit because there is an assumption it is parenting.

Many years on we have multiple diagnoses and a child who is most certainly experienced the negative impact of being left to cry because I listened to the judgy people over and over, despite it being clear that it would not work with our child.

Well done on not having a child with additional needs.

Could be! Though one friend who was struggling at 6 weeks started the routine and her baby became much 'easier'. Another started at 8 weeks and same thing.

My friends who were on their knees didn't try routines, no. In fact they could barely even say routine without spitting fury. They thought routine meant cry it out. I never spoke to them about it after mentioning I was doing it with my DC and they looked horrified. (I never did CIO). So no, they didn't try it. Our babies are only 1 and a bit now so maybe they will at some stage, maybe not.

You probably can have an easier baby if you just leave it to cry.
Eventually your baby will stop crying and you can congratulate yourself on having a baby who self settled.
Spending time with your baby is work - work that some/many parents enjoy.
Baby time is short, feels long while you are going through it, but I'd give anything now to hold my crying baby and feel him calm down in my arms as that was where he wanted to be.

YABU, though I suspect I may have held this view before I had my child. I know my friend felt similarly, then she had her second!

I have a large family. Believe me, it's entirely random what you get.

I think yes, sometimes people do make a rod for their back but some babies are easier than others and sometimes there is very little the parents can do except try and manage the situation.

My DDs were both opposites in so many ways - neither were difficult babies, DD1 was a more stroppy toddler and stroppy teenager but someone who shows their feelings can actually be easier than someone who doesn't, until they do in other more subtle ways, like DD2. She seems really easy going but suppresses things until they become a bigger problem, and it's harder to pick up on subtle cues than on someone who is briefly angry and upset then it's over.