Not invited to cousins wedding - texted saying congratulations. Was that wrong?

[Ebee19]

Hi,
I (30) have two cousins who are 1 (31) and 2 (32) years older than me. I have made an effort to support their careers, say happy birthday (though never said back despite being on same day), send cards at birthday and Christmas, like on social media (though they don’t follow back) etc. I have made the effort to visit regularly prior to falling sick five years ago. I invite them to every birthday etc, but they have only come once. I definitely expected to come to their wedding as have never heard of cousins not going and have gone to peoples I was less close with.

Last summer, I suddenly saw photos of my cousins wedding online, with her other cousins as her bridesmaids. I was heartbroken, like actually sobbing. It was really painful and I am normally quite tough. I had always planned on having her as a bridesmaid and we talk every few months. My parents weren’t invited or my brothers, and were lied to that she was even married despite my dad flying five hours to see her exhibit a week later. However, my other aunt and uncle were. I decided to be the bigger person and sent a message saying congratulations a few weeks later and she responded saying thank you, and explained it was very small wedding. I never said I was hurt or anything, or asked why I wasn’t invited, but she volunteered it was small. I told her it was beautiful etc and just left it. The messages were all friendly and normal. In the end, I felt the pain was too much and have distanced myself from her since her wedding. I don’t support her career in the same way, and have muted everything online.

Her brother just got married. We had sent engagement cards and saw him just before covid and had a few texts back and forth. I would say we weren’t as close as his sister but still close enough, and once again we have spent money, time and travel to support his career and send a card every birthday and Christmas. Once again we weren’t invited and even more than that I actually texted his whole family the day before his wedding day about my mums 70th with no idea it was that day. They just didn’t respond. His wedding was much bigger and to be completely honest it has really frustrated my mum this time as was so big. It didn’t hurt as much as I didn’t expect to be invited after her sister, but was hurt when family was front and centre. I decided a week later to take the high road and once again sent a text saying congratulations and they looked so happy, and I would love to catch up soon. I got a thank you back but nothing more.

I had presumed it was due to my parents or something, as my aunt isn’t close to my dad (though my uncle does come for his birthday etc) and my cousins don’t like him, and my mum was close but basically trauma loaded on them when she last visited and they have not responded to her since. However, I had to email my uncle about something health related and he emailed back very matter of factly which was brutal. They also knew I was I hospital very unwell last time they saw my dad and didn’t reach out to my mum, which I know hurt her feelings. It has made it very difficult on our other aunt and uncle, as they have just not mentioned the weddings at all and we can kind of feel a gap forming. I’m not really sure if I have done something wrong here but was looking for some advice as I wanted to keep my cousins in my life etc. Is not inviting your cousins to your wedding, wanting them out your life and should I just not talk to them again? Or is just a numbers or wider family thing? Many thanks

Hard to know without knowing your family dynamics.

I'm getting married next year, none of my cousins are invited, some of my aunt and uncles aren't invited. It's not a small wedding, I'm just not that close to them, sure we wish each other well, happy birthday, chat from time to time

However, it's £58 a head, I'd rather spend that on people I speak to most days

This seems like a very one way relationship so no you haven't done anything wrong but stop trying so hard.

Not sure what you mean by supporting their careers....I barely know what my cousins do for a living. We may send messages on birthdays but we don't meet up to celebrate.

I didn't ask cousins to my wedding. Small ceremony with a cap on guest numbers and frankly it was far more important to have my close frinds there. If I'd invited cousins, my whole "quota" would haven filled with people I see once or twice a year.

I think you are basing your expectations on your familial relationship rather than your actual relationship.

You were going to have someone as your bridesmaid that you only talk to every few months, never sends you birthday cards and doesn’t come to any of your events?
You aren’t close.

Sounds like you put more importance on them than they did on you - they didn't reciprocate on social media etc.

It's up to them who they invite to weddings, and your reaction sounds a little extreme.

I'm sorry OP. They don't seem to care about you and your family. I know it can be painful but it sounds like you need to focus on yourself and people you care about in your day to day life rather than giving them anymore of your time and energy. I am not close with my cousins and no one did anything wrong it is just we live far away and have very different lives. We wish each other happy birthday on Social Media and that is about it.

Same here. I haven’t invited any cousins and only one aunt because I’m closer to her than the others. Weddings are expensive, we are struggling to keep numbers down as it is and I would rather close friends were there rather than people who I don’t see as much. I have no problem with my cousins, aunts, uncles etc. I’m just not that close to them. I wouldn’t take it personally OP.

I suddenly saw photos of my cousins wedding online, with her other cousins as her bridesmaids. I was heartbroken, like actually sobbing. It was really painful and I am normally quite tough. I had always planned on having her as a bridesmaid and we talk every few months.

Sobbing over photos of a relative you talk to every few months seems an over intense reaction. You talk every few months so you see each other less?

Why were you going to have her as your bridesmaid when you talk every few months and barely ever see one another? You aren't remotely close, I honestly don't understand why you are so upset based on the relationship you have described. I would 💯 understand if you were close but you really aren't.

Op this seems very one sided. I think you need to pull back a bit. Put your energy into friendships that return to you.

They might be your cousins but they don't seem to want a friendship/ relationship with you.

I'd say there's more to this than you know about. It's about the siblings (your Dad?) not getting on with his other siblings.
The kids of those siblings can't be super friendly and all over their cousins, if their mother or father has fallen out with the aunt or uncle.

Why would you be invited to the cousins wedding if your parents weren't invited?

You’re not close. Your cousin probably had a budget and prioritised close friends - this is perfectly normal. You’ve done nothing wrong, it’s just life.

It’s fine to be sad that the relationship you want to have with these family members doesn’t exist, but you can’t force it. Focus on your friends - your bridesmaids will come from that cohort and you’ll have a great day.

my mum was close but basically trauma loaded on them when she last visited and they have not responded to her since

What does that even mean?
I think it means your mum inappropriately shared a whole load of shit with her nieces/nephews?

my aunt isn’t close to my dad (though my uncle does come for his birthday etc) and my cousins don’t like him

Knowing that your cousins don’t like your dad and their mum isn’t close to him makes it very unsurprising that his family (you) aren’t a big part of their lives.

It’s a bit hard to tell what the family relationships are here though.
Is it your dad’s sister who has these children that got married?
And the uncle that does seem him - is that his brother or (a bit weirdly) the husband of a sister that doesn’t like him?

It just sounds like you want a family relationship with them, and they don’t with you. Not everyone sees cousins as much of a thing.

Bridesmaids are usually people you see regularly - so I’m surprised you were upset about that.

I don’t think they been rude - I just think you want a closer relationship than they are interested in.

You have behaved gracefully.
Don't change.
You will possibly never fully understand the strained relationship between your parents and their siblings.

It is not odd that all cousins do not attend a wedding.
Have your wedding how you wish it. Invite your cousins if you wish.
You could start to have a real (face to face) relationship with a cousin and see how it goes. As you get older and spend more adult time together the factors that involve your parents might not matter; they might see you as a separate entity.

Families are interesting and complex.

I decided to be the bigger person and sent a message saying congratulations a few weeks later and she responded saying thank you

I find this a really odd way of looking at it. You weren’t being the bigger person. That would suggest that you were overlooking some poor behaviour on her part. But she did nothing wrong.

Thank you all. I had tried not to take to heart. Male cousin is extremely financially successful (as are my aunt and uncle) so probably wasn’t money but quite simply, his wedding didn’t hurt as much and I told myself to move forward from it. And female cousin I am/was hurt but did understand as very small (so money element perhaps) and also that if they didn’t want my dad there that it could have just felt awkward. However, when they invite every other cousin and aunt/uncle bar my unit, it does still hurt and my boyfriend didn’t really understand why they couldn’t just invite me if the issue was with parents. I should say we were invited to dinners for their graduations, first jobs with less than 10 people there etc, but they asked me to lie about it to my dad and brothers, which is less ok. My female cousin also regularly complained about her other cousins and not fitting in with them and said I was like a sister, so that was where the bridesmaid element came in. I also regularly spent weekends with them spin our early twenties and I had been introduced to every boyfriend my cousin dated. However, they also chose to not attend our grandparents funerals as “bad vibes”, which did make my brothers (who had travelled from other countries) kind of cut them out. I should also explain that my health means that I now only socialise with even siblings or best friends every 3 or so months, so unfortunately I do think I consider people closer to me than maybe they might consider me. That’s just life and the one thing you can’t shift is health haha! And they do know about the health.

However, I think it is helpful to have the confirmation regarding not inviting cousins as no one I know hasn’t so I was a bit confused and also that others have also felt pain on not being invited. Personally, I hadn’t considered not inviting them but it is everyone’s choice and I totally get it :)
Can I just ask your advice as you all seem quite varied?

1. do I tell my dad they are married? His brother hasn’t told him (despite talks and visits) and he is continuing to visit things for their careers and financially spending out in the process?
2. do I still invite them to my 30th birthday party? I will be inviting the whole family and I wouldn’t have considered not doing so.
3. I have obviously been more conscious of contact, but if you chose not to invite cousins, would you not want them to say when in the same town, or not to say happy birthday? I wouldn’t have though twice about any of this, but now doubting myself a bit as if they are more wanting no contact and I should take the hint etc.

I could count on one hand how often I have seen my cousins over the past 50 years, mainly at funerals, although we were close when we were kids. I didn’t invite them to my wedding & my parents & I didn’t receive invitations to their weddings. Read back through your post and realise that your cousins do not wish you Happy Birthday, send you cards or gifts, visit you regularly or follow you on Social Media. Why are you even bothering with them?

We didn’t invite a lot of our aunts/uncles/cousins to our wedding. We never/rarely see them and as we had a limit on numbers we chose to invite friends that we see regularly instead (we invited the aunts/uncles/cousins that we are closer too and see more regularly).

it doesn’t sound like they see you as being as close as you see them as being.

Her brother just got married. We had sent engagement cards and saw him just before covid and had a few texts back and forth. I would say we weren’t as close as his sister but still close enough

Just before Covid… like, 2019 just before Covid?
I would never say “still close enough” about someone I hadn’t seen for 3 years and hadn’t even spoken to, just odd text messages.

You just have totally different expectations of cousin relationships. Like “blood” replaces actual relationships. Do you even like them? You haven’t said anything that suggests you actually do. It feels like it’s just something you’re conferring on the idea of “family”. That might be worth thinking about. I don’t consider my cousins any different from friends: how close I am is nothing to do with blood and everything to do with personality.

Invite them. Tell your dad if you want to, you aren’t obliged though.

my boyfriend didn’t really understand why they couldn’t just invite me if the issue was with parents

Can he really not think of a reason?
Like, if they don’t invite the whole branch it looks like a numbers thing. Whereas if they cherry pick individuals from that branch, it comes a very specific snub?

Sorry just seen the other messages, so should clear up a few things as my wording might have sounded a bit odd. I don’t think they did anything wrong, like 100%. I guess I hoped we had built enough of a relationship to be beyond parents, but yes I had put it down to this. I also mean re bridesmaids, I didn’t ever expect to be a bridesmaid. I fully thought that would be her best friends, who had messaged me regarding advice on her engagement as I know them too as spent a few weekends as a four etc. However all the other cousins were her bridesmaids, which did shock me. I had considered having her as a bridesmaid with my friends, which I am now reconsidering as think I misjudged our relationship. Once again, that isn’t her fault, I wasn’t really critiquing them not inviting, I just was trying to gauge where do I go now in terms of having a relationship but not coming across as pathetic. I don’t want them to feel awkward or to even let them know I was hurt not being invited, as genuinely was thrilled they had a lovely day and just hate awkwardness really. Sorry if I am failing at communicating myself. But now I do feel awkward as about to see my dad and aunts and uncles in a few weeks and wanted to check I did the right thing texting.

re the sobbing, i am not a crier and didn’t really see that reaction coming. Maybe it was some hormones or other feelings, but I think it just shows how hurt I was at not being invited and did take me by surprise as well.

You sound lovely op. I would tell your dad, as he's spending so much time and money on them - it's not fair to keep him in the dark. He'll find out eventually which will cause more hurt, possibly with you as well. At least he can be informed if he wants to continue this level of support.

do I tell my dad they are married? His brother hasn’t told him (despite talks and visits) and he is continuing to visit things for their careers and financially spending out in the process?

Is he not aware that they don’t like him?
Is he actually doing something for their careers? It doesn’t sound like his attendance (at an exhibit) is doing anything for their career at all. It’s just him taking an interest. Or if they’re particularly successful and don’t like him, maybe they see him as hanging on their coat tails rather than supporting them? (a Meghan Markle’s dad situation!)

I think it’s quite odd for you not to have told him. Either it’s no big deal, no reason for him to be invited - in which case just tell him. Or it is a big deal - in which case why would you want to leave him in the dark?

Are your parents divorced? Because how else does your mum know about the wedding and not your dad? That in itself suggests a certain complexity around your family that everyone is steering clear of.

It sounds like there’s a massive backstory here.