Not invited to cousins wedding - texted saying congratulations. Was that wrong?

[Ebee19]

Hi,
I (30) have two cousins who are 1 (31) and 2 (32) years older than me. I have made an effort to support their careers, say happy birthday (though never said back despite being on same day), send cards at birthday and Christmas, like on social media (though they don’t follow back) etc. I have made the effort to visit regularly prior to falling sick five years ago. I invite them to every birthday etc, but they have only come once. I definitely expected to come to their wedding as have never heard of cousins not going and have gone to peoples I was less close with.

Last summer, I suddenly saw photos of my cousins wedding online, with her other cousins as her bridesmaids. I was heartbroken, like actually sobbing. It was really painful and I am normally quite tough. I had always planned on having her as a bridesmaid and we talk every few months. My parents weren’t invited or my brothers, and were lied to that she was even married despite my dad flying five hours to see her exhibit a week later. However, my other aunt and uncle were. I decided to be the bigger person and sent a message saying congratulations a few weeks later and she responded saying thank you, and explained it was very small wedding. I never said I was hurt or anything, or asked why I wasn’t invited, but she volunteered it was small. I told her it was beautiful etc and just left it. The messages were all friendly and normal. In the end, I felt the pain was too much and have distanced myself from her since her wedding. I don’t support her career in the same way, and have muted everything online.

Her brother just got married. We had sent engagement cards and saw him just before covid and had a few texts back and forth. I would say we weren’t as close as his sister but still close enough, and once again we have spent money, time and travel to support his career and send a card every birthday and Christmas. Once again we weren’t invited and even more than that I actually texted his whole family the day before his wedding day about my mums 70th with no idea it was that day. They just didn’t respond. His wedding was much bigger and to be completely honest it has really frustrated my mum this time as was so big. It didn’t hurt as much as I didn’t expect to be invited after her sister, but was hurt when family was front and centre. I decided a week later to take the high road and once again sent a text saying congratulations and they looked so happy, and I would love to catch up soon. I got a thank you back but nothing more.

I had presumed it was due to my parents or something, as my aunt isn’t close to my dad (though my uncle does come for his birthday etc) and my cousins don’t like him, and my mum was close but basically trauma loaded on them when she last visited and they have not responded to her since. However, I had to email my uncle about something health related and he emailed back very matter of factly which was brutal. They also knew I was I hospital very unwell last time they saw my dad and didn’t reach out to my mum, which I know hurt her feelings. It has made it very difficult on our other aunt and uncle, as they have just not mentioned the weddings at all and we can kind of feel a gap forming. I’m not really sure if I have done something wrong here but was looking for some advice as I wanted to keep my cousins in my life etc. Is not inviting your cousins to your wedding, wanting them out your life and should I just not talk to them again? Or is just a numbers or wider family thing? Many thanks

As the youth say 'its really not that deep'. You're spending a lot of time and emotional energy on something that doesn't matter.

*Hi,
I (30) have two cousins who are 1 (31) and 2 (32) years older than me. I have made an effort to support their careers, say happy birthday (though never said back despite being on same day), send cards at birthday and Christmas, like on social media (though they don’t follow back) etc. I have made the effort to visit regularly prior to falling sick five years ago. I invite them to every birthday etc, but they have only come once. I definitely expected to come to their wedding as have never heard of cousins not going and have gone to peoples I was less close with. *

I never understand why people are so incredulous and dumbfounded at being treated badly when it's right there in front of their face. Read your opening paragraph and read it again. It's right there. You have been chasing after them when they very clearly do not feel the same and then act all hurt and confused? This is on you. You chose to spend money and time on them year after year after not receiving the same and yet you wonder why? No one can help you if you can't see that clearly.

This is all completely one way. It's sad but they are not interested.

You need to put yourself first now and save yourself from anymore hurt.

Just let them go and concentrate on the people who do care.

Everything @Chipsahoyagain said, except the cousins aren’t treating OP badly, they’re just going about their lives.

OP, you sound lovely, definitely their loss 💐

"re bridesmaids, she is my only female relative in my generation and I thought it would be quite nice as our parents were each other’s best man’s and maids of honour etc.
She was going to be one of many and never a certain thing as friends would have come first. We had always discussed it when we were younger and her actual best friends thought I was going to be one when she got engaged from the messages I got from them (asking tips of an event for her (her hen do was always a really unique trip just her and her two best friends which I knew she wanted since day dot and I had the details of), saying they couldn’t wait to bridesmaids together with me and see you at the wedding). "

Hi OP... that is a lot of focus on bridesmaids etc and sounds like conversations you all had when you were much younger and now your lives have gone in different directions. Conversations, not promises. They live two hours away and apparently travel for work a lot and so you rarely see them.
I genuinely don't think that they "left" you out as bridesmaid to deliberately upset you. Years later, everyone has different lives and she did say it was a very small wedding. She went on a Hen Do with just two friends, who she probably saw very regularly. That doesn't sound like someone who wanted to have half a dozen bridesmaids, whatever she may have thought when she was a child. Her decision to keep things small might have been partly the groom's wishes too.

And it's now in the past... so it can't be changed but How you personally react to it can be changed. Hopefully talking about it on this thread will help you look forwards. What would you like to be doing in six months time? Think about the things that are important to you and that would improve YOUR life, try not to worry so much about the past and things that you cannot change. Its not unusual for Extended family to become more scattered as we get older, and we focus on the people we see regularly.

OP, I'm sorry you were hurt.

However, just having been through organizing my wedding (actually several celebrations in different locations), who to invite to what can feel very hard. It can be an expense issue, or a space issue, or that inviting that one person you DO like will make it hard not to invite five other people you don't know/ don't like, or it can be based on who you are obliged to invite because they have contributed, or because they already invited you, or it can, sadly, even be based on who you think won't be offended if they are missed off. It may be about whether you have got to know the fiancé too, and whether the fiancé minds having strangers at the wedding. It may even be that if they see you frequently they feel they can catch up and celebrate in other ways.

It is very, very tricky. And I would not at all take it that they don't like you or don't want you in their lives, just cos you weren't invited to the weddings.

I would suggest carry on as you were. But just be conscious of how reciprocal the relationship is in daily life. Do they reach out to you as often as vice versa? Do They make and effort for you as often as vice versa? These daily ways in which people treat you I think are much more important.

I got married and didnt invite some cousins and some aunties. I did invite others. Some of my cousins are married and I haven’t been invited to their weddings either.
I wished them all congrats on Fb, as they did for
me. One of my cousins was invited to my wedding and came, and didn’t invite me to hers.
I don’t see any issue with any of it. At all.

I’m really at a loss to understand why you’re running after these people who have no interest in you. I’d have dropped them a long time ago

Ah, they’re in the public eye. You’re desire to stay relevant to them has become slightly clearer…

It is hard when you aren't invited. I was invited to 2 of my 3 cousins weddings. But they had no children clause. I had a young son. My parents were invited, so I couldn't use them for child care and it's a long way away from my in laws. So I couldn't go. To either wedding, which was disappointing, as I would have loved a night out.
The excuse was, we thought you would like a child free night. However if I had gone and could have taken my son, could have had fun. My mum said it was because my sister had 2 kids, who were a little bit of a handful, so mum said they opted for no kids. My son was well behaved. As for the 3rd cousin, I didn't even get an invite. I only knew she had got married through social media. Apparently my auntie didn't know our new address, as we had moved. Which was odd, as if she had asked her mother or her big sister, they could have told her. 🤔

I have to be honest, it doesn’t really sound like they care that much about you and they certainly aren’t respectful are they of your feelings. I’m left wondering why you are bothering at all. I know it’s hard but sometimes you just have to walk away.

It’s probably your parents they have issue with rather than you as it’s odd not to invite aunts and uncles to weddings (cousins usually less so as there can be so many but depends on your dynamics). If you are close just ask when you next see them why you really weren’t invited.

Hi all,

I am going to stop checking this soon as I got what I needed from it - whether a text was ok. But just a few things.

Firstly, I just want to make it very clear my desire to maintain a relationship with two cousins I love has zero to do with their job. I actually found that pretty insulting. I have never had any interest in that type of thing and if anything it would have been the only reason to not have a relationship with them, as growing up in meant all my parties had to have separate friends and family etc (at their Mums instruction) and my social media was controlled. If anything his Mum was annoyed I wasn’t more fussed about it. He actually really liked this and it was probably what lead us to build our own relationship as I was one of the few people interested in just the art side of it (we had the same hobbies growing up - just my parents banned me of looking into it for a career and his parents to encouraged it). I would be pretty disturbed if someone wanted a relationship with someone solely for their fame, especially in a family. Also on the scale of things, I know people who are more in the public eye as he is and frankly I couldn’t care less about their fame or whatever, it’s not the reason I have relationships with them. I know all my cousins careers (or hobbies) on both sides and have equal interest in them, even though there is massive variation. I don’t know the careers in detail of 2nd, 3rd, 4th cousins as we probably only see each other every few years so it is only if it pops up on linked in, so I don’t know if that compares to some peoples ideas of cousins.

Secondly, re the bridesmaid. This was a response to someone’s question I think. I didn’t really mind not being her bridesmaid. I had no issue in passing on the details and was genuinely thrilled she was getting her dream hen. I always expected her bridesmaids to be just her two best friends as she is quite a small wedding type of person. I was quite surprised , and I guess hurt, when the wedding photos came out with all her other female cousins as bridesmaids. I also received messages from both her bestie bridesmaids asking why I wasn’t at the wedding and they missed me and hoped everything was ok, which I had to figure out what to reply to. I knew them both from weekends together and when I lived with my cousins one summer in our early twenties (my cousins lived together until quite recently).

Thirdly, I am glad some people get this can hurt. Like I wasn’t invited to my second cousins wedding, and just put a congrats on Facebook and had no issue. We were close as kids but not as adults. I don’t know if that is what people have with cousins as all families are different. I should probably say they were the ones who had initially pursued closer relationships as adults, rather than myself. They invited me to live with them and to see each thing for their careers etc. I was invited to more of their events than to mine, like I invited them to a few birthdays but I was invited to multiple dinners, viewings, graduation things. Thank you @financialcareerstuff for explaining your experience in actually choosing a wedding list. I am not going to cut them out my life over this or anything, as I think a lot has to do with not wanting my parents and thinking I wouldn’t mind etc. I also haven’t met the male cousins fiancé as was meant to happen at my birthday they were coming to which was cancelled in lockdown 1 (they were together a few months at this point) and they have been abroad when I’ve been free since shielding ended, so I get that could influence her decisions. In terms of my female cousin, I thought the guest list size was a key reason too (though the male cousin had 200+). I am going to be a lot more conscious of day to day. I will invite to my 30th (no issue if they don’t choose to come but if not a real reason or no reply then I wouldn’t invite them to another birthday again unless they do the same) but bar that I have backed off. Part of me backing off was because the last thing I want if for them to know I am hurt at not being at the wedding. My mum remembers a friend phoning her up upset after not being invited to hers. I would never want to do that to anyone else. So in part I backed off until I know I wouldn’t give that impression. I am also reassessing the relationship and if it is no longer two sided. I think a lot of you have a pretty fair point. I have recognised this from their position (don’t worry I am an emotionally capable person…) and I guess I was worried I hadn’t put enough effort in due to being unwell and not keeping up with people as much etc, and hence kept trying. I think it is now time to just back off and see if they actually try to reach out.

I want to say thank you for all your responses. You have all been helpful and like I said you have mostly above confirmed what I was thinking. Just was mainly a question of whether I did the wrong thing sending a text and so no one worries, I do feel like I have moved forward and once I get through my dads birthday with my aunt and uncle next weekend then I quite frankly have a lot scarier things health wise to focus on. The big player on my one sided aspect right now is the fact they didn’t provide any support to my family or myself in this health journey, which I think is bloody odd - especially as my Dad was with my Uncle the day after being told I had 5% chance of survival last year. My friend actually joked to me that if they decided not to go to my grandparents funerals, last birthdays or deathbeds because of bad vibes, then maybe bad health gives them bad vibes too. I also think family might just mean something different to them as we all flew over for these events, and they chose not to come, and maybe like some commenters family is more like friendships to them. So thank you for giving me a wider range of opinions on stuff like this so I can have a greater understanding of a possible perspective. Time to move on and let the ball be in their court :) Many thanks xx

It’s a tough one with cousins, I invited some of my cousins to my wedding, I invited some just to the evening and some I didn’t invite at all. It all kind of related to our closeness throughout our lives my maternal cousins I’m close to even though we don’t see each other regularly, it’s very natural with them and never awkward. One set of paternal cousins are the same although they both live abroad. One of them I saw for the first time this summer in 25 years. I think the feeling of closeness relates to time spent together as children. My other cousins range from regular communication on social media like liking posts and commenting to one set who I’ve met once.

@H007 In interest to this range, which ones got invited to which bit?

@Ebee19 I invited my maternal cousins to the whole day and my maternal uncle. I invited one of my paternal uncles to the whole day and their children (adults) who all live abroad. These are cousins I spent tome
with when I was a child. Realistically I knew this paternal uncle would come but doubted my cousins would (one would have if they’d been in Europe at that time). My other two paternal uncles were invited to the evening (I knew they wouldn’t come, but wanted them to know they were invited), as were their children one of which is an adult. Another of my paternal uncles died (he would have come if he was still here) when he was quite young and left his young daughter (now 21) who I didn’t invite I do speak to her on social media but I don’t really know her family and she wouldn’t have come alone.

@Ebee19 I do feel like you though even though some of them weren’t invited I do always try and maintain contact with all but two (I don’t know them) and that uncle (can be) quite estranged and goes through periods where he will ignore us. However I just ignore that and send him messages as and when I want to. I hope one day his children are older they will make contact with me.

If they’re in public eye/related to people in the public eye they may feel they move in different social circles now and that’s where their priorities lie.
Nevertheless it is painful to be sidelined and especially by those you grew up with. My philosophy is generally to respond to the relationship at that point in time- so if I’m getting nothing back I won’t be chasing it either.
have a lovely 30th.

I think it's good if this thread gave you peace.

Wishing you good health

i don’t think it’s totally unheard of not to invite your cousin to your wedding. Depends how close you are. My son is very close to his cousins and they wouldn’t dream of not inviting him to their wedding but I’m not that close to my cousins. I’d say talking every few months isn’t that close a relationship to ask someone to be your bridesmaid

You sound lovely, and I have to think it's their loss tbh.

Two constructive comments:

1. I couldn't invite my two closest cousins that I had grown up with to my wedding because on the same side there were another 6 cousins with lots of offspring, and on the other side there were about 30 cousins. It's really hard to expand wedding numbers out enough to encompass cousins, even when they are huge. We'd have to have had about 200, whereas our venue could take 60. 😬

It doesn't always reflect how much you like or care about them. Especially in beg families.

2. It sounds like you've been caught in the crossfire of family politics, all to do with your dad. It is hurtful but it's not a reflection on you personally. When things are difficult a lot of people take the path of least resistance, especially where there are older family hierarchies involved. That's if you are in a family where you observe that sort of stuff - I am in one. 🙄

I wish you all the best, you sound like the better person ❤️

@anon666 interested why you couldn't just invite the 2 cousins you were close with?

not weddings but havent seen my first cousins since the first lockdown in 2020-used to meet up every months but even with lockdowns a thing of the past they just fob us off when we try and arrange something

never lied about getting married though thats just weird just tell your dad

Drop the rope

They aren't interested