Not invited to cousins wedding - texted saying congratulations. Was that wrong?

[Ebee19]

Hi,
I (30) have two cousins who are 1 (31) and 2 (32) years older than me. I have made an effort to support their careers, say happy birthday (though never said back despite being on same day), send cards at birthday and Christmas, like on social media (though they don’t follow back) etc. I have made the effort to visit regularly prior to falling sick five years ago. I invite them to every birthday etc, but they have only come once. I definitely expected to come to their wedding as have never heard of cousins not going and have gone to peoples I was less close with.

Last summer, I suddenly saw photos of my cousins wedding online, with her other cousins as her bridesmaids. I was heartbroken, like actually sobbing. It was really painful and I am normally quite tough. I had always planned on having her as a bridesmaid and we talk every few months. My parents weren’t invited or my brothers, and were lied to that she was even married despite my dad flying five hours to see her exhibit a week later. However, my other aunt and uncle were. I decided to be the bigger person and sent a message saying congratulations a few weeks later and she responded saying thank you, and explained it was very small wedding. I never said I was hurt or anything, or asked why I wasn’t invited, but she volunteered it was small. I told her it was beautiful etc and just left it. The messages were all friendly and normal. In the end, I felt the pain was too much and have distanced myself from her since her wedding. I don’t support her career in the same way, and have muted everything online.

Her brother just got married. We had sent engagement cards and saw him just before covid and had a few texts back and forth. I would say we weren’t as close as his sister but still close enough, and once again we have spent money, time and travel to support his career and send a card every birthday and Christmas. Once again we weren’t invited and even more than that I actually texted his whole family the day before his wedding day about my mums 70th with no idea it was that day. They just didn’t respond. His wedding was much bigger and to be completely honest it has really frustrated my mum this time as was so big. It didn’t hurt as much as I didn’t expect to be invited after her sister, but was hurt when family was front and centre. I decided a week later to take the high road and once again sent a text saying congratulations and they looked so happy, and I would love to catch up soon. I got a thank you back but nothing more.

I had presumed it was due to my parents or something, as my aunt isn’t close to my dad (though my uncle does come for his birthday etc) and my cousins don’t like him, and my mum was close but basically trauma loaded on them when she last visited and they have not responded to her since. However, I had to email my uncle about something health related and he emailed back very matter of factly which was brutal. They also knew I was I hospital very unwell last time they saw my dad and didn’t reach out to my mum, which I know hurt her feelings. It has made it very difficult on our other aunt and uncle, as they have just not mentioned the weddings at all and we can kind of feel a gap forming. I’m not really sure if I have done something wrong here but was looking for some advice as I wanted to keep my cousins in my life etc. Is not inviting your cousins to your wedding, wanting them out your life and should I just not talk to them again? Or is just a numbers or wider family thing? Many thanks

Sorry OP it sounds like they’re just not interested. I wouldn’t invite them to your party, no.

You might want to have your cousins in your life, but I don't think they are that bothered about keeping you in their lives.

I would scale back contact and support. Sometimes people we like and care for don't feel or act the same way. It's quite clear you and your family are far more invested in them than they are with you.

In your and your families shoes I'd start to mirror their behaviour. If they don't get you a card, don't get them one, if they don't check in with you when you're unwell, don't do the same for them and so on. You'll soon find out just how important you are to them (but is suspect you already know), actions speak louder than words.

This. You keep mentioning things you do, ie follow their careers, send cards etc, yet none of this is reciprocated.

Your cousins obviously see your relationship differently

They've never been proactive in keeping in touch with you so I think your expectations are out of line.

One side of my family are civil when approached and that's it. No cards, coffees, invitations. They simply don't think of us. But then we have nothing in common, so why would they, especially when our parents weren't close either.

I don't think anyone on the thread understands what "supporting their careers" means OP.

Does it mean helping out by working for free? Does it mean buying a ticket for a show? Lending them money?

It would be great if you could clarify on that as a lot of people have asked for clarification.

Honestly, I’m a little bit at a loss as to why you put so much effort into the relationship when it was clear you weren’t getting anything back. Focus your attentions on people who do respond.

"I have made an effort to support their careers, say happy birthday (though never said back despite being on same day), send cards at birthday and Christmas, like on social media (though they don’t follow back) etc. I have made the effort to visit regularly prior to falling sick five years ago. I invite them to every birthday etc, but they have only come once"

Sorry you've been upset by this.

I think the above is very telling. Personally I'd have taken the hint a long time ago. If they've not made any effort before, I wouldn't be surprised that they've not bothered to invite you to their wedding. They don't seem to ever reciprocate your sentiments. Hopefully you have other friends and family that you get on with better.

I am very close to my aunt and wasn't invited to her wedding. The reason being that they originally just planned to go to the registry office it wasn't until the last minute that the rest of the family decided they were going to gift them a reception at the restaurant. As I live abroad, they assumed I wouldn't be able to come on a short notice. I think it would have been great if they at least offered and I would say yes or no depending on my availability but I certainly never held the grudge and I know that it wasn't done with malicious intent. Just silly thinking on their part.

They just don't feel the same way that you do OP. Step back massively. You won't ever get the relationship you are looking for here.

I don't think it really matters. The point is the people don't really care, appreciate the support or return the complement.

Here’s my perspective:

1. They think your side of the family is high drama. Your mum trauma-something’d them. They probably think your frequent time in hospital is drama too. Plus, maybe they find you clingy and highly emotionally charged too.
2. They’re not crazy about your dad. (And it has readily extended to the woman he married)
3. They have tried to show you they don’t want a relationship with you, but you won’t take a hint.

FWIW, I think you sound nice and I don’t want to be harsh or upset you. I’m sorry for being blunt. But I think the above might be closer to the truth than you would like to admit. You all annoy them. And this is definitely their problem, not yours.

Sack them off! Have a lovely 30th birthday without them.xx

OP, you sound kind and sweet, and have obviously has a lot to contend with given your health. Your cousins, on the other hand, sound two-faced and self-centred. Having all the other cousins as bridesmaids was an inconsiderate, even cruel thing to do. At the very least they should have talked to you about it beforehand.

It can be very hard to accept that people can behave like this. I'm older than you, but one of the biggest life lessons I've learned is that there's no point pursuing one-sided relationships, and we often persist with them because we don't want to face the truth and the pain it brings. Leave them to it. If they care about you at all, they will make an effort and get in touch. I wouldn't bother inviting them to your 30th.

my mum was close but basically trauma loaded on them when she last visited and they have not responded to her since

So there was some sort of major falling out and they have gone low/no contact with her, and you and your Dad have got caught up in it?

Weddings tend to show you very loud and clear where you stand in someone’s affections and in the closeness hierarchy of their life. It seems you have had the painful but not unusual experience of learning you have mismatched understandings about the closeness of your relationship with the couple. You see them as close family, they see you as distant relatives. I would let it go OP and drop any expectation of closeness with these people in the future. I have lost two friends over this kind of wedding revelation and It’s painful but ultimately better to be investing in people with whom there is reciprocity.

I’m sorry OP that you feel so hurt by this. Honestly this sounds like there are much deeper family issues dating back years that you may not even be aware of and it’s probably best left in the past. You may find out stuff you don’t want to know if you delve deeper. I would let it go, and let them go too hard and all as it may be. You sound lovely so please focus on people that make you happy, 2 way relationships. You’ve wasted enough of your life on them. X

I had considered having her as a bridesmaid with my friends, which I am now reconsidering...

Please don't ask her to be a bridesmaid. Your cousins have shown that they don't want an ongoing relationship so you should just accept that now. I'd take the hint and stop trying to force contact.

"I have made an effort to support their careers, say happy birthday (though never said back despite being on same day), send cards at birthday and Christmas, like on social media (though they don’t follow back) etc. I have made the effort to visit regularly prior to falling sick five years ago. I invite them to every birthday etc, but they have only come once"

This is all stuff that's easy to reciprocate if you want to, and they haven't. They've chosen not to. Every time they've had an event that they could have invited you to, they haven't.

Can you see this from their perspective at all? They're telling you that they don't want a relationship with you. They like you enough to not actually tell you that, but it's coming across loud and clear when you look at it. You might have been close once, but you aren't now, they've moved on.

Don't invite them to things, stop sending them messages on social media, move on with your own life and focus on your solid relationships with friends who appreciate you for yourself.

Blimey, are you me?! I could have written EXACTLY the same words. My cousin and I were very close as kids, spent a lot of time together, etc - then only saw each other at our parents' funerals (in the past decade).

@Ebee19 how are you feeling this morning?

Hope you are OK?
Just remember you can't change their attitudes to you but you can change your attitude to them.

Surely you must have friends that you area close to that you'd rather have at your side on your wedding day?

I didn't invite my cousins to my wedding. Nothing dramatic, they're just much older than me, we didn't see each other much growing up (maybe once a year or so while they lived at home, then less) and I hadn't seen them for several years when I got married. Their father/my uncle wasn't there either. He'd moved abroad without letting us know his address.

So yes, sometimes cousins aren't on wedding guestlists. But that doesn't mean you're unreasonable to be hurt that you seem to have felt closer to your cousin than she did to you.

Of your 1. 2. 3. questions I can’t answer them because none of it is anything that would enter my head at all, I couldn’t even type half a paragraph about any of my cousins, they’re not relevant to my life.
These people have been quite clear they’re not into the type of relationship you want from them. Move on and develop your own friendships and connections with people who like you and have stuff in common with you. It’s not healthy to be this analytical about relatives.

Your mum and dad divorced 25 years ago, They don't like your dad. Your mum "trauma dumped" on your Aunt, your dads SIL. It may be that its all a bit too much.
At the same time, you talk about your dad spending money flying places to support their careers - but you say that as if they owe him something for doing that. They don't owe him anything.
It doesn't sound like they want him to "support" their careers and maybe following them in this way when they've all decided they don't like him, is creeping them out a bit.

That is not your fault but it is probably why they are distant.

Its not your job to tell your dad about this wedding. Text him if you want to but what's the point in making a big deal about it to him and getting everything stirred up again? The weddings are done and dusted so you need to move on Maybe you should have a conversation with him about why they don't like him?

Invite them if you want to, to your birthday party to show there are no hard feelings, they might appreciate it but don't be surprised if they don't show up.
A pp said that there seems to be a lot of "flying" involved and that suggests they live at some distance to you - which also probably accounts for them not being as close. They are both married now and focusing on building their married lives together and their careers. It sounds as if they travel a lot and therefore are quite busy. It is sad but that happens when people move into new stages in their lives. Its not a reflection on you, so you shouldn't take it to heart so much.

I think you are tying yourself up in knots. The weddings are done and dusted so you need to move on and stop upsetting yourself by dwelling on it. I don't think any of your cousins were intentionally trying to upset you. As you don't see each other regularly, they probably didn't realise how you feel about all of this.

Hard as it is, try to focus more on the people you are in regular contact with and not invest so much of your thoughts in people who are not really that present in your life.

You mentioned that you would like your cousin to be your bridesmaid at your wedding. What does your other half think about all this? Have you asked her? Perhaps you should choose someone more closely connected with you.

None of this is your fault, and I'm sorry you've been dealing with so many health issues, which have probably given this whole situation more impact. Can you should find some support, someone to talk to about this, to help you get it out of your system so that you can focus on building new hobbies and new friendships.

Hi all,

I just want to say thank you for all your messages. To be honest, you mostly confirmed what I have been thinking myself and I think sending a text to congratulate them and then backing off (which is what I have done completely) was the right move. To be fair, re bridesmaids, she is my only female relative in my generation and I thought it would be quite nice as our parents were each other’s best man’s and maids of honour etc. She was going to be one of many and never a certain thing as friends would have come first. We had always discussed it when we were younger and her actual best friends thought I was going to be one when she got engaged from the messages I got from them (asking tips of an event for her (her hen do was always a really unique trip just her and her two best friends which I knew she wanted since day dot and I had the details of), saying they couldn’t wait to bridesmaids together with me and see you at the wedding). However, clearly that isn’t where my head is going now. I would however invite them and it is completely their choice to attend and I would have no bad feelings.

I thought I would clear a few things up. I realised I didn’t communicate that the texts over the years have been both ways and instigated by them as much as me, maybe even more. They told us ten years ago they don’t do cards anymore as environmental (this is the whole family not just us). They were invited to big birthdays, but not to my graduation or anything. I was invited to things for theirs. It did all feel quite equal apart from happy birthdays. However, I have gradually pulled back when felt it wasn’t quite the same and then noticed my cousins kind of stepped up to fill the gap of their parents. However, I do completely get the many reasons I might not be invited to someone’s wedding with parents and have now backed off and left this very much in their court.

I can’t say much about their careers as one is in the public eye but I would say we were very supportive physically, money and time wise. It also meant everything we invited them to had to be adapted for their security etc, and we had zero issue doing this. Even when this meant friends couldn’t be invited to birthdays etc. This was all on their parents instruction.

We do live about two hours away from each other. My dad lived abroad for a time and so did my brothers.

I obviously do place more on cousins than others (but same as most of my friends). My parents still have cousins at their birthdays and always have done. We were brought up with visits to uncles, aunts, great uncles and cousins every few weekends. This was all quite a big thing. However, I do understand every family is different. But friends who know my family were shocked I wasn’t at the wedding.

Weddings are odd though. I was on top table of a wedding where I had seen the groom twice in a decade and then not been to ones where I see the friend more regularly than anyone else. Everyone I know says it’s bizarre and also as someone has said - makes you realise where you stand. I always take it as a clue to back off with friends.

I have picked up a few things here and would just say, be open when you don’t invite someone to your wedding. It’s made it awkward for my other aunt and uncle and I would much rather have been able to just be happy for them and look at photos and say oh lovely. Now everyone is dodging the subject. I would have had no issue if they had just messaged saying “hey, sorry I’m not inviting you because of blahhh” and all just said ok and carried on.

Also, I had never considered family dropping someone because of health. I have always tried to step up if anyone I know is facing a hard time. I obviously have been dropped by friends over it and I just think of them as fair weather friends. But would just say that if you know someone who is sick or was shielding and you wish to see them or like them etc, try to ignore the time frames and just put out the olive branch. As someone who went from high flying to not very quickly, it is bloody hard and you often have no clue whether to keep trying to keep relationships going. I actually respected ‘close/clearly not actually close’ friends who turned round and said “you aren’t useful to us anymore”. It hurt and sounds brutal, but I have not wasted any energy on them. No one wants to be that annoying person.

But thank you for all the thoughts and messages - and all those that have been sweet too. It has kind of confirmed what I had been thinking. I am glad I kind of made the right call in backing off ☺️ Wishing you well

Also, someone asked why I posted this on here. I had talked this with friends and family (who also were upset), and I was conscious they were probably saying what I wanted to hear and also advocating to keep trying to build the relationship. I wasn’t sure that was the right thing to do, so I thought the internet can give you a wider range of opinions which is actually useful as could correlate with theirs, and it has been useful ☺️ So thanks!

You seem to have very structured views on how families should behave, OP. I know very few people who are close with cousins. It's certainly not a relationship that demands a certain level of involvement for fear of causing offense.

They've given you the message, loud and clear, that when they amass their closest family and friends you are not included. Just accept that and move on. Yes, it may make you sad for a while, but trying to force a relationship they don't want isn't going to lead anywhere but more misery for you.

It doesn't sound like your life would change much if you never spoke to them again, seeing as you only exchange cards and calls a few times a year. That's not a relationship to put so much effort into, OP.

Back off and focus on yourself.