Not invited to cousins wedding - texted saying congratulations. Was that wrong?

[Ebee19]

Hi,
I (30) have two cousins who are 1 (31) and 2 (32) years older than me. I have made an effort to support their careers, say happy birthday (though never said back despite being on same day), send cards at birthday and Christmas, like on social media (though they don’t follow back) etc. I have made the effort to visit regularly prior to falling sick five years ago. I invite them to every birthday etc, but they have only come once. I definitely expected to come to their wedding as have never heard of cousins not going and have gone to peoples I was less close with.

Last summer, I suddenly saw photos of my cousins wedding online, with her other cousins as her bridesmaids. I was heartbroken, like actually sobbing. It was really painful and I am normally quite tough. I had always planned on having her as a bridesmaid and we talk every few months. My parents weren’t invited or my brothers, and were lied to that she was even married despite my dad flying five hours to see her exhibit a week later. However, my other aunt and uncle were. I decided to be the bigger person and sent a message saying congratulations a few weeks later and she responded saying thank you, and explained it was very small wedding. I never said I was hurt or anything, or asked why I wasn’t invited, but she volunteered it was small. I told her it was beautiful etc and just left it. The messages were all friendly and normal. In the end, I felt the pain was too much and have distanced myself from her since her wedding. I don’t support her career in the same way, and have muted everything online.

Her brother just got married. We had sent engagement cards and saw him just before covid and had a few texts back and forth. I would say we weren’t as close as his sister but still close enough, and once again we have spent money, time and travel to support his career and send a card every birthday and Christmas. Once again we weren’t invited and even more than that I actually texted his whole family the day before his wedding day about my mums 70th with no idea it was that day. They just didn’t respond. His wedding was much bigger and to be completely honest it has really frustrated my mum this time as was so big. It didn’t hurt as much as I didn’t expect to be invited after her sister, but was hurt when family was front and centre. I decided a week later to take the high road and once again sent a text saying congratulations and they looked so happy, and I would love to catch up soon. I got a thank you back but nothing more.

I had presumed it was due to my parents or something, as my aunt isn’t close to my dad (though my uncle does come for his birthday etc) and my cousins don’t like him, and my mum was close but basically trauma loaded on them when she last visited and they have not responded to her since. However, I had to email my uncle about something health related and he emailed back very matter of factly which was brutal. They also knew I was I hospital very unwell last time they saw my dad and didn’t reach out to my mum, which I know hurt her feelings. It has made it very difficult on our other aunt and uncle, as they have just not mentioned the weddings at all and we can kind of feel a gap forming. I’m not really sure if I have done something wrong here but was looking for some advice as I wanted to keep my cousins in my life etc. Is not inviting your cousins to your wedding, wanting them out your life and should I just not talk to them again? Or is just a numbers or wider family thing? Many thanks

My first cousin got married a few years back.

Not particularly close to her but we get on well enough when I do see her. Out of me and my 4 siblings, only one of us was invited. It was the kind of wedding where every man and his dog were invited, there were literally hundreds and hundreds of people apparently, it was at her parents property so numbers weren’t an issue. They live about 20 mins from me. So kind of weird that 3 of her first cousins weren’t invited but there you go. My dad did phone to say if I wanted to go to cousin’s family’s place the day after the wedding for drinks I’d be welcome, I was like umm no I’m busy that day. Kind of more insulting than not being invited at all!

I think they are more important to you, than you are to them. On one side of my family I have 18 cousins. None of whom are overly close. The standard is to invite the aunts and uncles to the day and cousins to the evenings. Then we all have a great time together. Yet, we don't seem to be as involved as you are with your cousins (I've never 'supported' any of their careers)

So, I do think it was mean of your cousins not to invite you. By the sound of it, it's not you they have a problem with, it's your parents. You're shunned by association. It must be a significant problem they have, as I'd even invite the family I wasn't overly keen on, if I was inviting the rest of the uncles, aunts and cousins.

Sorry re the Covid bit, I was shielding from 2020 to 2022 and then spent 6 months in hospital. I didn’t see another human being for two years… bar who I lived with. But I had also considered it would be different from his perspective obviously ☺️

and yes I do like them. I think they are actually pretty awesome people actually! If I didn’t like them, I wouldn’t have wanted to go to their weddings ☺️ We were close because I liked them, not because of blood or whatever. And have spent more time together on our own than with family (at their invite a lot of the time). It was only when I got sick, I realised they suddenly stopped inviting and I have now reflected on it becoming more one sided. But before this it was mainly them inviting me to stay etc.

The OP was crying as she was hurt at being excluded plus probably very shocked. All normal reactions as you don’t expect nice happy family members to do this to you.

I currently feel quite similar (some days I get very teary) but the opposite way around as nobody has shown any interest in us, our engagement or our wedding plans and no-one wants to be there on our special day.

It’s heart wrenching when large families start doing this to some of the members of the family. I am currently being excluded from family stuff by over 50 relations….that’s parents, sisters, brothers (so means you don’t get to see nieces and nephews), half siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and so on.

OP I suggest, I know it’s hard, that you now start viewing these cousins, aunts and uncles as more distance family. So just send a card at Christmas for example, that’s what I currently do. I used to send all the birthday cards and things like that too but when you never ever get a card back you start realising that they really don’t care or think of you in the same way as you do them.

Have your parents been any help or support?

wanted to check I did the right thing texting

You are angsting over this.
But from their point of view, you’re a cousin who was part of “family things” (like graduation dinners) a few years ago - but now isn’t a close and regular part of their lives. Tbh - that’s a textbook definition of most cousin relationships! Brought together by family relationships but grow apart and never forge close direct relationships. “Xmas card relatives”. So in that context, your text would just make them think, “ah that’s a nice - good wishes from cousin”. They don’t be giving your texts a second thought. They were just a perfectly normal standard interaction between not-emotionally-close relatives. So definitely stop worrying about whether it was the right thing. It was. And no-one but you is thinking any more about it!

My mum was really hurt and very supportive. After 30 years of sending cards, she stopped after a wedding card and also to their parents. I didn’t know she made that choice. She had 40 cousins at her wedding. We have 5 in the whole family (and none of us married), so she didn’t get it. She got advice from friends and backed off.

My dad, their uncle and dads brother, doesn’t know they are married. He continues to fly around and supporting their careers, and seen them regularly. They have lied to him the whole time.

They work in the art world so you do genuinely support their career.

Why has your mum not told your dad or are they divorced? And yes tell your father as he’s seeing them regularly and they are lying to him, he can then decide what he wants to do going forward.

My dad, their uncle and dads brother, doesn’t know they are married. He continues to fly around and supporting their careers, and seen them regularly. They have lied to him the whole time.

Tell them so they can make their own decisions on what to do like your mum.

In your own case they likely dropped you because you have been ill.

I invited some cousins to my wedding who I considered myself to be close to, but not all of them reciprocated. Some of my cousins didn't even invite us to the evening do - and if you're not close, why would you?

It's past my bedtime and I am too tired to think this through now but I can share my own experience. My mum and my aunt were half siblings, same dad, different mum as my aunt's mum died very young. The two of them were very close, aunt was in our house at least twice a week, usually more. Once she admired a chair my mum had and she gave it to her. Mum minded her sister's kids and then grandkids sometimes and had her DH for days on end when he was depressed. The favour was never returned, but logistics were against it anyway - though I doubt very much it would ever have happened because my mum always gave so much more than her sister ever did.

My mum hosted years of family events, including everyone, but after she died, nobody ever took on that role.

There's been a number of family celebrations since my parents died, that I know we would have been included in had they still been alive. It's tough, I get it x

Cousin relationships are quite difficult. When you're children you are so close like siblings and then you grow up and it's like you're strangers. For whatever reason they don't like you. I personally would expect cousins to be invited to a wedding. It's understandable that you're upset seeing her other cousins be bridesmaids. The other day I went to my uncles birthday party. My cousins had their other cousins there and I got jealous when they were taking selfies and laughing together. My cousin even put the picture on her Instagram. But as soon as they left they were bitching about them. I was surprised as you'd never think that if you saw them all together. It maybe that even your cousin is not close to her bridesmaids?

I do think you need to tell your dad as he is wasting money flying out to them and supporting them. I would invite them to your party if it's not going to cost you much. At least you'd get a present 😂

Answer to your questions.

1. Yes you should tell your Dad they are married. They've broadcasted it over social media. They are probably assuming that you have told him. You have no reason not to tell him. And the longer you leave it the harder it will be.

1. Your choice. Personally I wouldn't bother. I don't think they'd come anyway, esp if they dont even wish you a Happy Birthday via social media. Keep your party to nearest and dearest the people who really care about you. But then I've only ever had one party - my wedding.

1. I'd pull back completely from them on social media. I wouldn't block but I'd maybe hide them for a bit so you aren't seeing their posts.

Sorry my parents are divorced, since I was 5. My uncles wife stayed close with my mum and took me under her wing. My mum stayed after a funeral a few years ago and basically pour her heart out about her brother, but since then there has been no contact. Before that, we regularly stayed with them or me with cousins. I lived with them for a few months.
My dad sees and talks to his brother, but no contact with his wife. My dad is nice to her but she doesn’t like him and never has.
I didn’t want to hurt my dad by telling him, but yes I think I will need to. He doesn’t really pick up emotional cues.
I have fully backed off and muted them on socials.

He continues to fly around and supporting their careers … They work in the art world so you do genuinely support their career.

But how is he supporting their careers?
Spending all night hanging pictures for a self funded show of an up and coming artist is supporting a career. Turning up to a show of an established artist is just taking an interest, really. You make it sound like you feel they owe him a wedding invitation because somehow actually advanced their career.

Like I said above - they might not see him as supporting their career, just enjoying being part of their success?

I find it quite odd that you haven’t just told him.

And that your mum hasn’t told him!

do I tell my dad they are married? His brother hasn’t told him (despite talks and visits) and he is continuing to visit things for their careers and financially spending out in the process?

Yes, tell your dad, and that they have invited all the other cousins. Broach the idea that they have a problem and maybe it’s time to stop supporting their careers.

do I still invite them to my 30th birthday party? I will be inviting the whole family and I wouldn’t have considered not doing so.

Absolutely not. Only invite those who invite you to family celebrations. Don’t be a doormat/mug.

I have obviously been more conscious of contact, but if you chose not to invite cousins, would you not want them to say when in the same town, or not to say happy birthday? I wouldn’t have though twice about any of this, but now doubting myself a bit as if they are more wanting no contact and I should take the hint etc.

Yes, stop contacting them. No happy birthday, nothing.

I had considered having her as a bridesmaid with my friends, which I am now reconsidering as think I misjudged our relationship. Once again, that isn’t her fault, I wasn’t really critiquing them not inviting, I just was trying to gauge where do I go now in terms of having a relationship but not coming across as pathetic.

Don’t invite them to your wedding, let alone ask them to be bridesmaids.

My mum stayed after a funeral a few years ago and basically pour her heart out about her brother

It does feel a bit like pulling teeth here!
So - is this the trauma dumping that you mentioned?
It doesn’t sound like appropriate timing, is this where the distancing comes from?

(edited as I took “her brother” to mean the wife’s husband at first - there are a lot of family members here!)

Please don't take it personally. Weddings are very expensive and I can see why some don't invite a whole branch of the family because costs spiral.

I avoided this by not inviting any cousins except the one who I worked with every day.

I couldn't afford them all and I didn't want them feeling left out not everyone thinks of that though and that's ok

Oh no, her brother to her ex-husbands brothers wife. They don’t know each other.

Surely not. Because OP is talking about Dad’s side of the family and so her Aunt is her Mother’s SIL via marriage. So she was talking to SIL about her totally unrelated brother.

OP, don’t invite them to your party, don’t message them unless they contact you first, definitely let your Dad know! Out of interest why don’t they like your Dad and why would it be an issue when it was before? I suspect the truth is they didn’t see you for ages due to your illness and pandemic and they don’t consider you to be close to them annymore. I don’t speak to my cousins and wouldn’t expect an invite to anything of theirs, I also wouldn’t make a real effort to go. And we were all close as children but they now do their thing and I do mine!

I had a similar situation. There was a fall-out between my mum and her sister's husband. They superficially made up, but it was clear they hated each other. When my male cousin got married, our side of the family wasn't invited. I have never had any trouble with my cousins and never took any sides, but it seems being my mother's daughter meant I couldn't be invited. I suppose it would have been too pointed to invite me but not my mother. I think it is a dick/power move to do that. They tried to be all nice and friendly afterwards as if it was nothing, but nah. Fuck that two-facedness.

It sounds like they have been trying to faze out their relationship with you for a while and you have missed the signs.

You will probably never know why. It might be you did something hurtful without realising. It might be something to do with weird dynamics with your parents. It might be you just aren't their kind of person.

Stop being so nice to them and take their hints. Don't send gifts/money etc. you don't have to be rude about it but just stop being the one to contact them first. That will soon give you your answer whether they want to have contact.

Try not to dwell

My wedding wasn’t capped and I only invited 1 cousin and 1 aunt who I visited occasionally if in their town. I certainly wouldn’t invite all my other cousins/aunts/uncles but rather work colleagues who I interacted daily with.

To be frank you seem to have missed social cues for several years when things were not reciprocated and should have backed off long ago, your persisting has probably irritated them. When people grow up and get their own lives it’s very different to being thrust together when younger simply because you are related. Just focus on your friends, colleagues and those close to you on a frequent basis at this point.

I agree with others that you should back away gracefully. I understand it hurts op. I am also an ill person and have been removed from friendship groups because of it.

@Ebee19 and@Mummyoflittledragon Thats awful. I am so sorry. 💐💐💐

It sounds like none of them care about any of you, despite all your immense efforts sending birthday things and ‘supporting their careers’. So stop bothering. Save the time and money.